Documentaries

Documentaries

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"Travis-Friend, This One has a question."

Travis looked at the Kor'veen across the bar from him. The alien was wearing an encounter suit, something the vast majority of the 57 alien species mankind had run into, (so far), wore. No one knew what they really looked like inside of it.

Niven's was located at Mount Wonder spaceport, the site of the first contact landing on Earth; it was home to The Bar. (No one came up with a name with sufficient gravitas so the placeholder had stuck).

"Shoot," replied the barkeep.

"kzzkt," came the reply.

"Uh, go ahead."

"This One has been researching Human propagation methods and procedures."

Of course you have...

"This One has noted that Humans are quite prolific, not as much as some but more than others."

Donotroll your eyes Travis.

He just nodded.

"And your question?"

"Humans have artificial means of preventing propagation."

"Uh, yes, it's referred to as birth control."

"Yes. This One understands that the two primary artificial forms are pharmaceuticals and the use of physical barriers."

Dear God, why did I get a PhD in alien sociology? And why don't they ever ask me something simple, like why Jacksonville's never been to the Super Bowl.

"That's true, yes, uh... why do you ask."

"This One has noted that... kzzkt... decoupling is also employed."

"That's correct. I'm sure you understand enough of the... mechanics to understand how that works."

"Yes Travis-Friend. This One remains confused though. Decoupling is far less effective than pharmaceuticals or physical barriers yet it appears to be the preferred approach to negating propagation. Research indicates that Humans prefer decoupling over birth control, as you call it, by several orders of magnitude".

"Um... while, uh, decoupling is used, I wouldn't say it's a common strategy. I'd have to say that the success rate is, generally, understood to be rather less than... er... drugs or condoms... IUDs... those things the Spleem import... "

"And yet This One has witnessed numerous cases of reproductive fluids directed in pseudo-random directions incident to Human mouths and their constituent parts, mammary regions, ocular components, the primary waste vent all to negate propagation"

What?

"This One has hypothesized that Humans are so prolific that they will use any means at their disposal to halt propagation, even at the cost of - kzzkt - inundating other Humans. This appears logically consistent. Given the sheer volume of said reproductive fluids being - kzzkt - disposed of based on documentary evidence, This One can only conclude that Humans will overfill this galaxy within a reasonable short timeframe".

Travis stood staring at the alien, his mind having gone temporarily blank.

WTF?

"Woah, woah, woah! Stop! What do you mean by "witnessed'?"

"Why in the documentaries Travis-Friend."

"Documentaries?"

"Yes Travis-Friend."

"Where did you find these... documentaries?"

"On the Human hypernet, the PornHulk and OnlyFriends sites."

"Oh, my giddy Aunt. That's porn... pornography. It's all made up. Fiction."

"Respectfully Travis-Friend I believe you are in error. Our research has irrefutably concluded that plot and dialog are integral aspects of Human fiction. Both are so utterly lacking in the documentaries you refer to as pornography that they fail to meet the established minimum criteria for the story telling form. Please believe This One Travis-Friend, This One possesses the equivalent of an Earth Doctorate in alien, no offense intended Travis-Friend, sociology.'

"Well fuck me," barely murmured Travis.

His eyes went wide.

"Uh, not literally."

"This One thought not Travis-Friend. You are not This One's type." There was a pause. "This One's dissertation was on Earth humor."

Travis sighed, a wry grin on his face.

"Let me put it this way. Porn is not so much a story telling form as a... crude delivery system for arousing visual and audio elements. You might want to research 'wish fulfillment' in Humans as an adjunct."

"This One will take your comments and observations under advisement."

"Fair enough. Oh, and you might also want to research the term 'erotica'. I think it is a much better example of fiction with arousing elements. The plotting and dialog are certainly better. It's a much more... refined, uh, delivery system. Admittedly, there are aspects of wish fulfillment there too. Seems to be a Human thing, I guess. Any other questions?"

"Yes Travis-Friend. In places such as this... "

"A bar?"

"Yes. Why do Human beings indulge in ethanol poisoning, auditory sense damage and indiscriminate sexual congress?"

"Every race needs a hobby I guess."

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Postscript: The alien's question at the end was wholly inspired by the Mass Effect 2 video game. Other parts were influenced by the writings of Larry Niven as well asNo Man's SkyandBabylon 5. If by some chance I've stepped on someone's copyrights, it was unintentional. (Pretty sure it's been at least 25 years since I read Niven's Convergent Series).

I used the Jacksonville joke with a friend who is a diehard fan of the team. It worked.