May and September

Author's Note: Be advised that this is a non-erotic romance story that contains some socially unacceptable yet commonly used language.

*****

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It was, as they say, déjà vu all over again.

I was cruising along when I caught sight of a black Audi. Of course, my first thought was that it was her; she was here for Amy's wedding. Amy, Amelia, in classic fashion had organized a "happy hour" at Deadbolt Brewery, our old office haunt, with her usual flair and military precision. She could get people to follow her into Hell and they'd think it was their idea. My suspicion was confirmed when we cycled through the last Stop sign and I spotted the Georgia plates.

I parked at the end of the line, my Challenger right next to her A3 just like the old days. Alex was fractionally taller than me, long legs in jeans, a Henley under the light jacket; the biggest change was her hair. When I'd known her, she had her lustrous red tinged brunette hair woven into a braid that went to midback. Now it was just short of shoulder length. There was no ring on her finger.

Me? My hair was shorter now too, close cropped, I'd come to prefer the look. I was wearing jeans and a button down, standard engineer wear. The shirt was pink, an old favorite of hers.

So here we were again, parking lot of the brewery, our cars next to each other.

Déjà vu.

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"Daniel," she leaned in for a hug, grinning.

I smiled too; back in the day we'd do the full name thing to punctuate our conversations.

"Alexandra." The hug was brief but not in a peremptory sense, it was as compared to the us of old. Anything would be lesser compared to our old selves.

You might be thinking that even after two years I still had a thing for her, that I hadn't gotten over us. That I still loved her. But no, I'd made my peace with it after a year or so. Despite those eight months as a couple, we hadn't talked much in the intervening time. One of the more maddening things about Alex was that she did most of her communication via text. Often bereft of emotional context, text created distance. The wedding had reduced the distance appreciably.

"I should have known you'd still have that fancy car," she said.

"Hell yeah, I'm not giving up my girl. I was wondering if you still had the Audi."

"Two more years and it's mine." Alex sighed. "Two years... since I left, God... feels like a lifetime." It was half the time we'd known each other. She and I had worked together, with Amy, for a little over two years. We had been the AandB teams, thrown together from different offices by management to save a failing $100M contract. They actually didn't care as much about the $100M as they did the $1B follow-on production contract. Hell, they'd built twobuildingsbetting on a win. It took us but a year to become heroes.

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It's crazy how people can look the same but different even after a shortish time apart. Amy looked older to me, something about her face, while at the same time the off the shoulder sweater, bra strap showing that she was constantly adjusting, was classic her. Her hair remained short and blond. Scott had grown a goatee and was dressed like me. He was no less imposing than when I last saw him. Abby had a wedding ring on her finger. I'd heard she'd gotten married, moved to Nevada where her husband was stationed. She was the shortest of us and in one of her long casual dresses. They were all in their mid-30s. Hugs were exchanged all around.

After a few preliminaries we addressed the thing uppermost in our collective minds.

"Sad it took you getting married for us to get the band back together, but I'll take it," I said.

"Hey, there was nothing stopping you from going first," retorted Amy.

"I amnotgetting back on that horse," I responded vehemently. I had a species of PTSD where relationships were involved thanks to my failed marriage. I'd tried dating but I'd come to value my independence too much. And there was never that spark, the desire to be with that person. OK, there was Alex...

"Looks like the next wedding is on you Alex. You don't count Scott your engaged." Amy grinned while waving him away.

"I'm with Dan, I punched out of my last relationship; I wasnotgoing to ride another one in," replied Alex taking a sip of beer.

"You know Amy, we could just get together, for shits and giggles." I thought I'd scored a point.

"If that were true, we would have done it before now." The set went to Amy.

*****

*****

It was the classic story. Long hours, having each other's backs, dueling with the prime contractor, all the stuff that welds people together. I poured a lot of time into the job because there was no point being home; I got more emotional support at work. Let me state categorically that Toni strayed well before then, I didn't "drive her to it" as she tried to assert during those last bitter arguments when the whole disgusting thing came out.

I have examined my thinking, my emotions, many, many times in the last few years and have concluded that my feelings for Alex didn't start until after the divorce. That didn't mean we weren't close, along with Amy. We were three intelligent, talented people who thrived on challenge, there was no way we wouldn't get close. While I hadn't fallen for Alex yet, it formed the prologue to our relationship.

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Years apart had given all of us at Deadbolt a lot to talk about, even though we'd been in touch to one extent or another during that time. Amy and Scott still worked at the Company, but in new positions. I don't know that Amy was happy there, she came across as indifferent about it. Alex was at an engineering firm in Marietta, near Atlanta, mostly working Raptor upgrades. I had my own consulting business in NOVA, one man operation, never in one place too long. Abby lived outside Vegas, working engineering tech support at Nellis for an independent contractor.

Alex and I caught the other's eye each once, held it for a faint moment. I mean why wouldn't we, we'd had those eight months, we had a history, it was only human.

We'd gone into the relationship with our eyes open; we knew it came with an expiration date.

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We closed Deadbolt out, in fact the staff got a little antsy, passively aggressively hinting it was time to go.

Tomorrow night was the rehearsal dinner. All four of us would be there. There's no way Alex and I wouldn't be involved, not given the past adventures we'd all shared. Amy's sister was Maid of Honor otherwise I'm sure she would have asked Alex in a hot moment.

There were a lot of jokes, jibes, wishing others well until we saw each other the next day. It was by chance that I saw Alex put her jacket on, a stray glance, her throwing it on, straightening it out. My gaze was drawn to her, reflex maybe or simply because she's a beautiful woman. I felt self-conscious and looked away. Little point in picking at old wounds.

Amy caught up with me on the way to her SUV. Hefting her keys, I saw how serious she was, gazing downward, maybe steeling herself to speak?

"Uh, listen Dan, I've got something I wanted to tell you."

"OK Aims, what is it, is something wrong?"

"Back in the day we all got together and agreed to give you and Alex space. Twenty years between you and she didn't mean a thing to most of us. There were some folks, I won't name names, that wanted to milk it for all it was worth but Scott and I put our feet down. It was before I met Dave and he'd just met Hank. We were ready to settle down, we knew what serious felt like, at least we believed so. Scott and I weren't going to let them give you any shit. And we knew categorically that you hadn't stepped out on Toni for Alex or Alex was sleeping her way to the top. We pissed some people off killing those rumors but we weren't gonna let them go unanswered. I never told you the full extent because I didn't want it to get in the way of your happiness. Maybe I was wrong to do so, you're grown adults, I frankly don't know.

"Don't ask me why I'm telling you all this. Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic. Maybe I just wanted you to know in case I never see you again. It seemed important and I love you guys. I don't know why we drifted apart so hard. Haven't come back together. Guess I'm trying to make up for it this weekend. I hope you find someone Dan, God knows you deserve it after Toni. Maybe that's what I wanted to say."

"She'd have to be pretty special. But thanks, Aims. I love you too. Thanks for going to the mat for us." We both knew how important we'd been to each other; we'd just never said it out loud. God, what a night, seeing the former love of my life, absent friends, this confession from Amy. I suddenly needed to get home before one more thing happened.

One more thing happened; Alexcalledme.

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A month after the divorce went final Alex and I started to notice something. Somewhere along the line our banter turned into flirting. Banter and flirting are much alike. The former uses romantic overtones for humorous purposes; the latter is romance just trying to get out. Neither of us knew what to make of it and its implications; we didn't reject the idea but neither did we embrace it. Guess we were simply stunned. Being who we were and what we did for a living, we resolved to sit down and analyze it. (We laughed about it sometime later, we thought we were beingsoclinical, dispassionate).

Alex and I went out for a drink after work one day to hash it out. You'd think we were experts at tap dancing the way we started the convo.

We came to the realization that two months before the final decree was issued, months into my separation, things had achieved a simmer. We'd gone from friends to... some nebulous state. Neither of us were consciously aware of it at the time and if we had been we would have rejected acting on it out of hand. The two of us didn't believe in fucking around where vows were concerned. By the end of the conversation I knew I was a goner, I sure as Hell had feelings for her, of the type I hadn't felt, sadly, in years.

OK, so there's the age thing, any relationship would be stamped "Best enjoyed by DATE". It informed our thinking, any thoughts of the future, a future. It was an ever present fact during our relationship. Alex didn't deserve to be saddled with a person halfway through his life while so much of hers still lay ahead. Nonetheless, we could still havenowwith each other. For a time.

By the time we were ready to leave the sports bar we had resolved to ease into a relationship, there were unknown unknowns and we didn't want to run afoul of them. We'd had all good intentions but twenty days later she spent the night.

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I suppressed any jokes that came to mind regarding Alex calling me, ribbing her about an impending apocalypse or some such. I wouldnotdissuade her from talking to me instead of communicating a few dozen characters at a time.

"Alright Dan, gotta know, were you eyeing me up there at the end in Deadbolt?"

Fucking busted

I sighed noticeably. "Shoot me Alex, I'm still a guy and you're still... "

"Not entirely unattractive to quote someone?" My phone oozed smugness. "You're not getting out of this alive lambycakes." An old line from one of our favorite shows.

"Yeah, I'm realizing that... So, Alex, to what do I owe the honor?"

"It occurs to me that we might not get a lot of time to talk together, just the two of us this weekend. And I think that would be a shame. I miss my old friend, old in the literal sense, so, tell me what's going on in your life."

The age crack signaled this was a nice friendly call and not a return to past intimacies. Not that I expected it to be.

"Okay kid, how much time do you have?" I'd acknowledged the Rules of Engagement for the sake of clarity.

"All the time in the world. I'm just laying here enjoying this ridiculously comfortable bed. It's anicehotel, Amy's fine tastes have not dimmed with time."

"Reminds me of the time we went to a meeting in San Diego, it was after you left, she got us reservations at a golf club believe it or not."

"Totally believe it, it's Amy... "

And off we went for the next couple of hours. We recalled war stories, talked about our current work lives, what it was like to live where we did. Somewhere in that time intimacy crept in, just small details of our lives apart, nothing solacious, no flirting. I had learned to simply stay away from Toni because I would sometimes slip into old habits and hate myself for it. It didn't occur to me that I might slip into old habits with Alex. And she with me.

We wrapped things up agreeing to have brunch the next day. I climbed into bed with a smile on my face, content, looking forward to the morning. On general principle I reassured myself, that's all. Drifting off I recalled what it was like to not sleep alone...

*****

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The place we met at was familiar to both of us from back in the day. They advertised trucker breakfasts although it was long odds a trucker had ever been in there. Alex loved the coffee; she was a coffee snob so that was saying something. We finished eating and she sat against the wall of the booth, cup in hand, long legs resting on the bench seat. I'd tipped the server heavily to let us sit there as long as we liked. Like the night before we covered a lot of ground in our conversation. It was frank and open. More little details about our present selves, allusions to our past ones. We'd never been anything but frank and open with each other. It got us in trouble.

"So, Dan, gonna ask, you don't want to get back up on the horse huh?"

"You don't want to ride another relationship in," I countered.

"Touche."

"Alex, listen, what I said last night, it wasn't you. Toni left me with so much baggage BWI gave me my own carousel." Somehow, I'd forgotten we'd had this discussion years ago.

"Hey, I know." Her hand was resting on mine. I don't think either of us knew it at the time, it was automatic. "You just... "

"Never found anyone like you." I finished the sentence for her. I was going out on an emotional limb. Big time. Part of me regretted saying it, part of me needed to. I tried to turn it around, make light of it. "You're a hard act to follow." She smiled, not looking at me.

"And on the flip side we have me," she said quietly. She turned her gaze at me and achieved a hard lock. "I punched out onyou." I shook my head.

"You did what you had to, it was inevitable, we both knew it. Know it. The year after we saved the world we all just... floundered. In the space of two months we were out of afterburner and into idle. You can't take people like us and put them through that; we needed another disaster to fix. I don't think we could look at each other anymore without wanting it all back, badly. And then there's the age..." Damn my mouth but I wasn't wrong. Ithadhovered over us. "You want to talk about riding it in? I stayed a year longer than you and now I have no clue why. I think I was hoping to recapture something." I had to strain to hear what she said next.

"Oh, is that what we're doing."

God, how had this gotten away from us so badly. "Jesus Alex I never meant to hurt you... "

"Dan, we are both suffering from self-inflicted wounds. You'd no more want to hurt me than I want to hurt you." She squeezed the hand she was still holding. "We made choices we knew led in only one direction. And we live with the results. Let's be honest, the bitch of it is that we still love each other, always will. But we just have to lay it aside again and move on." She began gathering her things. "I'm going to get going. I'm not mad at you, I'm just going to take some time before the rehearsal. I'll see you there."

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On the way home I thought about Alex's last words in the restaurant. I wanted to be with her again but I could find no fault in her logic. It was the best we could do given the circumstances.

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Not surprisingly, the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was being held was topflight, Amy's folks had money, lots of it and they weren't stingy tonight. Because it was Aims, I had gone out and bought a new wedding/funeral suit, dark blue, the tie had been my Father's. I'm an engineer through and through, suits aren't me but damn, I looked good. Then again, I had a lot of motivation.

Alex was near the front door talking to Abby. My mind blanked. She was wearing a suit with a short skirt that only highlighted those legs. I'd seen her in a vast array of clothes before but nothing like this. Alex was dressed to kill. She said a few words to Abby and then walked over.

"Daniel."

"Alexandra. I... have no words, you look stunning. I guess I had a word." I grinned sheepishly.

"You are looking quite nice yourself. I thought I'd bring my "A" Game tonight, you see there's someone I want to impress. And make him look good at the same time." Cue her most beautiful smile. "I think you know him. Quite well. And I had an idea right before I got here, a way for us to go out on a high note.

"What do you say we play 'Let's Pretend'. Let's pretend we're unambiguously in love and enjoying ourselves, each other, there's no sell by date, no rules, to Hell with what the world thinks. Forget the whole tortuous conversation this morning. If you don't want to do it it's fine by me, I understand, but I say we have just one more night out before we bury it all again in its shallow grave. Seize the day just like old times, one more time. Your choice. Seriously."

No way in Hell I was going to say no.

"I don't need to pretend. Let's go be us." I offered her my arm and we walked into dinner...

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I can't tell you how liberating it was to just let it all go and after such a long time. First came pre-dinner drinks. We were a well-oiled machine, frictionless. We were in afterburner. Alex and I crushed it with Amy's parents; they asked us how long we'd been married. Their daughter's jaw hit the floor at one point followed later by a beaming smile. She'd seen us together before but not like this, in peak form. Scott, Hank and Abby nodded and smiled knowingly at different times, the seal of approval from people who knew real affection. We enjoyed the attention but it was Amy's weekend; the two of us steered things in her and Dave's direction if we felt the focus had shifted too far. Dave's family was a joy; there was no way Amy wouldn't find the perfect partner.

Alex and I couldn't go out on a higher note.

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All good things...

We didn't say it out loud but we knew the evening would end at the restaurant door. Anything morewouldbe a mistake, too much to bear in the end, the wound would never heal.

I looked at Alex. "You're the undisputed master of Let's Pretend." I let out an amused sigh. "I keep running out of superlatives with you."

"It's all easy when it's not pretend." She paused, looking up, gathering her thoughts. "It was the perfect night, perfect end note. Thank you."

"You too."

"Listen, how about you text me sometime around my birthday, we'll catch up."

Her birthday is in August, was months away. Yeah, it was a decent bit of separation.

"You've got a deal, wouldn't miss your birthday, haven't yet."

"True that. Well... goodnight, Daniel."

"Goodnight Alexandra, see you at the wedding."

And... that was it.

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I was in the car; I'd started the engine and then just sat there. Drive away and it was end scene, roll credits. I couldn't sit there though because I'd start thinking about her in scrupulous detail, the past, this moment, the future I had envisioned but dismissed over the last 24 hours. I was in a bubble and bubbles burst. Always. Ultimately there was nothing for it but to go.