Not Just Friends

This story is dedicated to anyone who ever had an unrequited crush in high school. Especially if you spent most of your time together arguing about music.

All characters in this story are at least 18 years old. This story includes consent, contraception, and a touch of teenage awkwardness.

* * *

Summer, 2005

"Eric, could you please return a few books to Mrs. Tanaka before dinner?"

At this simple request from my mom, a deluge of memories flooded my mind.

Mrs. Tanaka was one of my mom's friends, but more importantly the mother of one of my best friends, Carrie. Carrie and I became fast friends during high school, even though she was one year younger. We had bonded over alt-rock, Ghibli movies, Philip Pullman novels, running, carne asada tacos, and the pressure of living up to exacting parental standards.

Despite the occasional suggestion from others, we had never dated. We were just friends. Close friends, but still -- just friends.

I had recently come home after my first year at college, while Carrie had graduated high school. I had not seen her since a fleeting reunion over winter break. I fondly pictured her mellifluous laugh and dazzling smile.

"Eric?"

"Oh, sorry, yeah, happy to, I can go right now."

"Thank you -- and say hi to Carrie if you see her."

* * *

Ten minutes later, I found myself at Carrie's house.

I inhaled, then rang the doorbell. After a moment, Carrie opened the door.

Short and slim, she wore athletic shorts and a fitted Flaming Lips T-shirt. Her striking brown eyes glittered with excitement. Her face, blessed with high cheekbones, was framed by her shoulder-length espresso-brown hair.

Some people found Carrie "hard to place" because of her mixed heritage -- part Japanese, part European -- but I didn't need to "place" her into any category. She was Carrie, and she was my friend.

My stunning, beautiful friend.

Carrie's full lips broke into a radiant smile and I was transfixed.

She exclaimed, "Welcome home!" as she rushed forward. We hugged for the briefest moment. She smelled like coconut. "How was the end of the semester?"

"Good, great... I'm actually just here to return a few books my mom borrowed from your mom." I held out a tote bag.

"Well... mom's not home right now, but you can come in! I do want to hear all about MIT. I'm so sorry I didn't reply to your last email -- you know how the end of the semester is. I did see your latest blog about Camera Obscura though and I did get both of their albums. And I've really been looking forward to catching up!"

We sat down at the coffee table. I piledReading Lolita in Tehran,Tuesdays with Morrie, and a few other volumes next to several issues of National Geographic Magazine.

I had missed debating music with her. I had missed talking about anything and everything with her. Why was my heart beating so fast? "That's awesome, what did you think? I could listen to Tracyanne Campbell sing anything, I swear."

She grinned. It felt just like high school. "Well, she is amazing at moping about lost love. Both albums are great listens, good headphone music... even if it occasionally feels like it's a little derivative of Belle and Sebastian, you know?"

"Hey!" I laughed, "well... that is a fair point I guess." I felt her deep, enchanting eyes pulling me closer. I paused for a half-second too long as I thought of something to say. "Thanks again for the tips on Joy Division! There's so much post-punk out there, I wasn't sure where to start with them. And now I finally understand your blog post about Interpol."

"Anytime! I'm always here for you, anytime. Anytime at all. Um... that is, I mean, I'm glad you recognize my impeccable musical taste," she added in haste, punching my shoulder with a playful touch.

I laughed, "Impeccable? Well, before I disabuse you of that notion, how was the end of your semester? Congrats on getting into Tufts by the way -- I know that was your top school and you put a lot of work into your application."

"Thanks! Yeah, I was really happy to be able to join you in Boston. I mean, um, otherwise it was good. It felt amazing to get credit on my AP exams after so much studying. I think my photography's improved a bit too. I had a great time at prom with Natalie and Anna; that was really fun, since they didn't have dates either."

"Wait, what about John? Weren't you two going out?"

"Oh he..." she paused, brushing her hair behind her ear, before looking back into my eyes. "We broke up."

"I'm really sorry, how are you feeling?"

"It's okay, really, it just was not, you know, not a good fit. And it meant I actually had a great time at prom, unlike someone who was too much of a hipster to attend his own prom."

I loved her mischievous smile.

"I will have you know I had a great evening playing Dungeons and Dragons with the guys. I have no regrets."

"Nerds!"

"Hey, look who's talking, Miss 'Only Watches the Extended Edition ofThe Lord of the Rings'."

"It's the only way," she insisted, then hesitated. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I really do want to hear about college too -- how was it?"

"Honestly, at times it was really hard. Classes are way harder than high school -- a lot more work. And I was a pretty decent student in high school, but everyone there was in the top of their class too. It's awesome to be around smart people, but we're also held to a really high standard. Which can definitely be stressful at times. I'm just glad there are so many cool people there and I've made some good friends."

"That's great to hear! Honestly I'm... I'm really nervous about being able to survive at college. My parents weren't exactly shy about pushing me to apply to the most selective schools possible. Or demanding I do well on the SAT."

"I know what you mean; my folks don't hide their expectations. Sometimes I felt like I could never measure up. Or admit I was scared of failing them. I still feel like that sometimes, to be honest."

"Yeah, exactly. Wondering if I'll ever be good enough," she nodded, radiating sympathy. "Does it get any better in college?"

"In some ways, yeah. I mean, it helps that people are more honest about their insecurities. Well, a little more. People aren't competitive, which is so much better than high school. And you have more built-in social activities."

I continued, "Anyhow, I believe in you! You're a diligent student and I'm sure you'll do great. Just ... try not to be too much of a perfectionist, which I know isn't easy. Plus, if you take any math classes, I can help with your problem sets, just like old times. Boston's a cool city and MIT's not too far from Tufts, so we can hang out. Sometime. I mean, if you have the time."

Carrie beamed. "Aww, thanks, of course we can hang out! That's part of why I was so excited to get into Tufts." She drew a breath before querying me, "So... you meet any girls at MIT?"

"Yes, Carrie, about fifty percent of the students are women."

"Not so fast, mister, you know what I mean!" She punched my shoulder softly, but this time her hand lingered for a moment.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I in fact met both girls and guys at MIT."

"Why so evasive, huh?" She crossed her arms and cocked her head to the left.

"Since when have you ever been interested in who I date?"

"Well, I don't recall you dating very much in high school." Carrie's jocular riposte failed to mask her curiosity.

"Ha! Fair point. I guess Jennifer and I were together, for what, two months? Anyhow, if you're asking if I dated anyone at MIT, the answer is no. Which I know must come as a shock based on my extensive history of dating one girl in all of high school for not even a whole semester."

"Aww, those MIT girls don't know... don't know what they're missing."

I swallowed. Why was my heart racing?

"Come on, you don't have to flatter me. Where is this coming from?"

She brushed her hair behind one ear and our eyes met again.

"One day you'll meet someone... who appreciates you. I mean, you're a catch. You're smart -- you got into MIT! Um... you're funny, you have good taste in music. Not as good as my taste in music, of course," she smirked, "But really... you're a great listener, and an amazing guy. And you're still in excellent shape I see," she emphasized, as she pinched my bicep.

This time, she kept her hand on my arm. Her fingers traced idle patterns on my skin. Her touch felt at once tantalizing and comforting.

"Eh... since I don't do cross-country any more, exercise helps me to take my mind off studying." Why did my cheeks feel warm? "Well, you'll make your future boyfriend very happy. You're beautiful. Uh...you're an excellent student, you write well, you take great pictures, you're the nicest person I know. You have great taste in music yourself," I grinned, "questionable opinions about The Cure aside."

"Hey! First of all,Kiss Me, uh..." Carrie brushed her hair behind her ear, hesitating as she giggled, "that is, um,Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Meis flawless, you're just wrong."

Her laugh, her every movement was captivating.

She paused as our eyes met again. "But what you said earlier, you meant it?"

We were sitting so close that our thighs practically touched.

"About what?" I could feel every beat of my heart.

"You think I'm beautiful?"

I had never seen Carrie blush like this before. Suddenly, I noticed how long her eyelashes were.

"I... uh... I mean, have you looked in a mirror? Look, I'm sorry I brought it up, um..."

"You think I'm beautiful?"

At a tentative, halting pace, she leaned in towards me. Were her eyes closing? Time crawled. My instincts took control and I bent to meet her. I noticed the smell of coconut once more. I felt her warm breath on my face.

Our lips met.

Time stood still. Did we kiss for a second, a minute, an hour? The feeling of her soft lips on mine was the most magical sensation I had ever felt.

Her face lit up with joyful laughter. Our eyes locked for a split second before our lips met again, this time with more force. I felt her press into the kiss, as I carefully took her upper lip into my mouth. She tried a tentative nibble on my lower lip. I reached up to caress her cheek, and she placed her hand on the back of my neck with the lightest touch.

As I reciprocated, the tips of our tongues met. I ran my hands through her hair as our tongues danced in a graceful rhythm. Was I really making out with Carrie? Not just any girl, but Carrie, with whom I'd had so many AIM conversations over matters trivial and grand. Carrie, who had helped cheer me up after I broke up with my girlfriend in Senior year. Carrie, with whom I listened to so many albums?

We gradually withdrew from the embrace, each of us flushed and grinning. Her laughter was the best sound in the world.

"Eric... I... I missed you."

"I know. I missed you so much. I missed us. I--"

The faint thrum of a motor caught our attention. The garage door.

"Oh crap, Mom's home!" Carrie whirled. "Uh, I should go fix my hair! Sorry! We'll just tell her you were returning the books?"

"Yeah, yeah, go, go," I reassured her as she dashed to the bathroom.

After a second, I realized I needed to cover my crotch. I grabbed a throw pillow for my lap and opened a nearby issue of National Geographic to a random page, thirty seconds before Mrs. Tanaka came in from the garage.

"Carrie, I'm home! Oh, hello Eric! How was your first year at college?"

"Uh, hi, Mrs. Tanaka... It was good, thank you, all good, yes, I...just came over to drop off the books. Right, the books. The books mom borrowed from you. Which I am returning. Mom says thanks, by the way."

"I do hope she liked them. You know, she's always welcome to borrow more!"

Carrie reappeared, her hair adequately composed. "Hi Mom! Um, Eric and I were just... I mean, Eric was just ...returning some books. Just returning some books."

"Yes, we were just talking about that. I hope you two had some time to catch up too -- I'm sure it's hard to be away from a good friend for a whole semester."

Grateful my erection had subsided, I swallowed as I excused myself. "Yes, yes, all good, I think I should probably be going home now anyhow."

Mrs. Tanaka smiled, "Glad you could come, Eric! Please give my best to your mom!"

Carrie followed me out onto the porch.

She winced as she apologized, "I'm really sorry about that."

"It's okay, nothing you could control."

The two of us hesitated, searching for words. The drones of cicadas resounded through the humid air.

We spoke simultaneously.

"I--"

"You--"

She giggled, "You first."

With a careful breath, I asked my question. "You... you want to hang out sometime?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"Okay, well... I have the house to myself Saturday evening -- my folks will be home late. Want to come at seven? We can listen to the new album from The Decemberists, maybe?"

From the house Mrs. Tanaka called out, "Carrie, could you come help with dinner?"

Carrie thought for a fraction of a second before responding, "Um... sure, yeah, let's do it."

"Okay, well... See you then?"

We stood for a moment, suddenly unsure of ourselves and the future. We settled for a nervous, clumsy hug before waving goodbye.

* * *

The two day wait felt like an eternity. I patiently logged on to AIM every evening to catch up, but Carrie did not appear online. By Saturday night, I was a bundle of nerves.

What did the kiss mean to her? To me? We couldn't simply go back to being friends after this. Had I just lost my friend from a stupid mistake? I closed my eyes, listening to the intermittent chirp of crickets, as possibilities swirled in my mind.

The doorbell rang, liberating me from my reverie.

Carrie wore a white camisole and navy capris. Her hair was fixed in a high ponytail. She carried a small canvas tote bag. The simple outfit fit her petite, slender frame perfectly. She offered a tentative half-smile. "Hey."

"Hey Carrie... you look nice." I meant it, more than I ever had before. "Um, come in." I gestured to the family room. "I havePicaresqueas promised, but if you want to listen to something else, I'm all ears. Or if you want to watch a DVD, likeHowl's Moving Castle. Oh, also, I got your favorites: orange La Croix, and pretzels."

We sat down on the couch, our movements tentative and cautious. Unspoken words hung in the air, as the silence lingered.

She chewed on her lip and avoided my eyes. Was this it, the end of years of friendship?

I turned to her at last. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I just...we should probably talk. About the other day."

I steeled myself for rejection.

"Yeah, of course... if you're not comfortable with anything we did, I'm sorry."

"No! I mean, um... I liked it, I really did, I just..."

I met her gaze. Her eyes shimmered as tears threatened to spill out.

I decided to address the elephant in the room. "What does it mean for us?"

She exhaled. "Yes, exactly... what are we now?"

I had not thought that far ahead. "Well, um..."

Her eyes sparkled with anticipation, searching for an answer.

Time to man up. I took a deep breath, preparing for whatever came next. "I really like you. More than I ever thought I could like someone."

She offered a cautious half-smile. "I really like you too."

"Well, that is a fortunate coincidence."

She giggled a little. "So are we, um..."

Finally, I realized what she needed. "Carrie, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Really? Yes, yes, oh my gosh!" she exclaimed, as her face brightened into a joyful smile. We embraced, hugging, then sharing a tender kiss. The tension had evaporated at last.

She stared directly into my eyes. "I was so worried... worried you wouldn't want to be friends anymore, or I'd just be some girl back in your hometown you hooked up with one time, or... I don't know, you wouldn't want me when you were back in college. I'm sorry!"

"Aww, don't apologize, not at all! I was worried too. I was scared I'd crossed a line, and lost my best friend."

"So you really do want to be... together?"

"More than anything."

"Well... that is a fortunate coincidence." She smirked as she repeated my earlier words.

I laughed, pulling her in for another embrace. As I did so, I noticed she was wearing lip gloss. This time our lips met without hesitation. I caressed her cheek as she pressed into me. She sucked my tongue into her mouth, then her tongue slipped into my mouth, then we collapsed in a fit of laughter. It felt novel yet comfortable.

As we caught our breath, I inquired, "So now that we're girlfriend and boyfriend... how did you want to spend this evening?"

She dug into her tote and pulled out a CD case, with unmistakable album art depicting a pair of red lips. The Cure'sKiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me. Of course. "I thought I could convince you to give this another listen," she grinned.

We turned on the stereo and sat down on the couch. As the music washed across us, she nestled her head into my chest, resting one hand gently on me. She undid her ponytail, letting her hair cascade down.

I draped my arm around her. We had listened to innumerable albums together, but never like this. I relaxed as she snuggled closer. She looked up at me for a second, and we beamed at each other, enjoying the moment.

I held her for the album's full seventy-four minutes. I wished I could hold onto her forever. As the last track,Fight, faded out, she turned to me with an inquisitive smile. "So?"

"Well..."

She crossed her arms, anticipating my response.

I continued, "I think I see what you meant in your blog. They're trying to span a lot of emotions, like a whole world, a whole universe of feelings. I appreciate how eclectic the soundscape is too."

"So I was right!" Her smile could illuminate a whole room.

"I mean, I do think it could probably stand to be a hair shorter, lose a track, but, overall yes. It's better than I gave it credit for. Honestly though... I'd be happy listening to almost anything with you like this."

"Yeah, exactly. EvenAchtung Baby." Her lips lit up with a sly grin as she punctuated her words with a soft, glancing jab to my shoulder.

"Hey, maybe I can convince you it is not, what did you call it, 'overproduced mediocrity', I think?"

We sat back and sipped our La Croix for a moment.

I shared a reflective confession. "You know, the other day, when I said I had no regrets about prom -- I was wrong. I should have asked you out. Honestly, I should have asked you out long before that. I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's okay. I mean, I always thought you were a cute guy. Total boyfriend material. I was just a little sad. I thought that you...I just thought you weren't interested, that you, I don't know, only saw me as a friend. After so many years."

"Exactly! And I was afraid to lose my friend. And... I thought you were so completely out of my league, I would never have a shot."

"Me? Out of your league?" She looked at me with astonishment.

I wrapped my hand around hers. "One hundred percent. I mean, I always thought you were the prettiest girl in high school."

She brushed her hair out of her face. "But I'm, like, five-foot-two...and I don't have big boobs, and..."

"I wouldn't change a thing about you or your body, Carrie."

She looked deep into my eyes. "Nothing?"

"Nothing." I pulled her to me, kissing her slowly. Her lips were pillowy and warm.

Carrie sucked my lip into her mouth, then I placed tender kisses down her neck. She shivered in satisfaction as her hands closed around mine in a gentle, insistent grasp. "Wait, not here... can we go upstairs?"

* * *

I had never run so quickly to my bedroom in my life. Carrie trailed, giggling. I offered a silent thanks to my parents for teaching me to always make my bed in the morning.