Requited Lust

Hi.

How've you been?

It's been a while since either of us used these email addresses. Burner accounts we created in secret.

The last message I got from you was dated March 2024. Going on two years now. Time flies.

You've been on my mind lately. You and that one night in London.

Typing out this email feels like the only way to quiet the thoughts that invade my daily existence. Lord knows I've tried everything else to erase you from my mind. I guess it's a good thing that you'll probably never see this.

The other day I was sitting at the new coffee shop that just opened near my apartment. A woman walked in, long auburn hair like yours, wearing a striped sweater similar to the one you wore the first time I laid eyes on you. Your first day at the office. It brought me back.

Then the memories of our time together came flooding back like a tsunami. It's funny how memories work sometimes. Retreating slowly over time only to suddenly come crashing back like an unstoppable force.

You were a lot like that. An unstoppable force that crashed over me.

The longing I feel now is even stronger than the desire I had for you then, if you can believe that.

Do you remember that night at the hotel bar? Neither of us were able to sleep, complaining about work and Todd's useless contributions during the boring meeting we had earlier that day. You'll be unhappy to know that Todd is still as long-winded and useless as ever. Lol I think he misses having you around at work, though. We all do.

I wonder what the new job is like for you, and the new city. I hope life's been kind to you.

If I thought you'd actually see this, I wouldn't ask. But since you won't... are you still married to Vince? Are you happy? Did he ever find out about London? About us?

I kept our pact. Lisa doesn't know. I could never get myself to tell her. I tell myself it's to spare her feelings, but in reality, I can't bear to break my promise to you. The moment I tell her is the moment that our time together is no longer just between us. It's no longerours. Honesty becomes an intrusive thief.

You know, I had always found you attractive during those few years working with you before London. That pretty girl at work that every guy notices but won't allow himself to go there. It's no wonder. You were absolutely stunning. I never wanted to be that creepy dude and I never thought in a million years anything would happen between us. It was the furthest thing from my mind. Then you dropped that bomb on me at the bar on that fateful business trip and I found myself living out a literal fantasy.

I couldn't believe you. Angelina. A beautiful woman all of 33, attracted to a mediocre white guy from work in his late 40's. If I recall correctly, you confessed to having a "low-key crush." It shocked the shit out of me. A dream come true.

A couple hours and a few drinks later and you invited me up to your room. I felt guilty about meeting you up there that night. A married man following a married woman to her hotel room. A colleague, no less. I felt guilty. I still do. But I don't regret a second of it.

For the first time I allowed myself to study the curves of your body as I watched you pour us drinks in the room. You sat closer to me than you ever had in any board room we'd been in together. The scent of your hair made my muscles go weak and my blood run hot. You were the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen.

I loved Lisa. I do love Lisa. And I knew there was nothing and no one that could tear you away from Vince. It was never about that for either of us. But this was our time. The opportunity to share a requited lust that we both knew would never come again, at least not in this lifetime. I couldn't wait for the universe, in all its infinite cruelty, to force my soul to wait to find yours in the next one.

The outside world seized to exist the moment the door closed behind us. You were unmarried for that time and so was I. Our regular lives on pause. The hotel room stood outside of conventional time, space, and reason. What we did in that room had no effect on anything or anyone outside, nor on the lives and marriages we'd resume once we left it. There was no one else and no-thing. Just you and me, secluded in that room, like an impenetrable capsule in the middle of London made just for us. We knew our time together was short but it would always be ours.

Your skin was as smooth as glass. Your lips tasted of raspberry vodka with a hint of sweetness that I was convinced was just natural to you. The taste of you lingered on my tongue as your blouse came off and my mouth found its way to your perky breasts.

The moments that immediately followed were a bit of a blur. Next thing I knew your naked skin was pressed against mine on the bed, our hands exploring every conceivable inch of each other's bodies. Your nails lightly scratched down my back as you embraced me with a hunger that, until then, I hadn't realized was missing from my life.

You made me feel alive, Angelina. Really truly alive for the first time in years. You awoke something in me that night that stirs within me still. I'm grateful for it.

I can't forget that first moment you took me in your mouth. You had an enthusiasm about you that electrified me to my core. Watching long waves of your hair fall to the side of your face as you sucked the pre-cum from my cock is an image that's permanently burned into my brain. I'd never seen anything so mesmerizing.

But truly nothing compared to the taste of the sweet goodness that slowly flowed onto my tongue as you came hard in my mouth. The sounds of your moans were soft, almost innocent sounding, as you gave yourself up to me. Those little whimpers between quiet whispers begging me not to stop. I could've tasted you forever.

If this email is going to serve its purpose as some sort of cathartic therapy exercise, I suppose I should be honest and admit that I was worried that I wouldn't be enough for you. Big enough. Worried that I wouldn't or couldn't meet your expectations. You just existed somewhere high and unattainable.

But my insecurities faded the second you climbed on top and I watched your beautiful body slowly lower onto mine. There was something so graceful in your movement. You felt impossibly tight and soft and warm. I loved the way you bit your lip. Then you closed those gorgeous eyes of yours and let out that sweet whimper that persists like a low hum in the back of my mind almost two years later.

I still think about the sensation of your warm breath in my mouth as you leaned down to kiss me but lost focus as I penetrated deeper. I never told you this, but there was more intimacy packed into that single moment with you than I'd felt in the 8 years of marriage with my wife. I probably shouldn't admit that. Guess that's why I never did admit it, not even to myself. Not until now.

There was something about the way your stomach pressed against the palm of my hand as I gently kept your body steady as you rode me to climax. I could feel you tighten around my shaft, your body enveloping and swallowing me whole into your whirlwind of ecstasy. It was as if pleasing a woman like you was the only thing I was made to do.

I waited for your pleasure to wane before flipping you on your back. You lied there and spread your legs eagerly for me. You were trusting. Your body so welcoming to mine. Dopamine flooded into every synapse of my brain. It's a high I've been chasing ever since.

You begged me to cum inside you. I tried to resist. How foolish I was to think I could resist the power of these memories in the making.

It'd be even more foolish to think that I stand a chance to resist you now. Here I sit with nothing but the memory of that night - a single night - fighting its magnetic pull... and failing.

What kind of man am I? What type of man does this make me?

Not a faithful one. Not the kind of husband I'd strived to be. I don't know.

All I knew then is all I know now. That night with you in a London hotel room stands still outside of time. Perfect and unchangeable. For just one night you were mine. Yet I fear more years will pass where a part of me is yours still. My soul is forever fragmented as a penance for my sin.

It's strange to think about how things went so seamlessly back to normal after we returned home. Working side by side as though nothing had happened. Never arousing suspicion. Committed to our promise of secrecy. Never breaking our pact. Never repeating our carnal desires, other than a few X-rated emails sent in secret.

So why are you so strong on my mind after all this time? It's not like I've been waiting for you. That was never the deal. Lusting for you is something different entirely, and it was part of the deal from the very beginning. But this deeper longing must've been somewhere in the fine print. Covert and baked in.

Maybe if I send this message it'll go straight into the abyss. That liminal space where time stopped and all reason collapsed. It's where I left you last and where a piece of me remains.

-Edwin

*click*

'Message Undeliverable.'