Halfmoon Lake '74

***This story was requested by a fan, and I found it so much fun to write. There are elements of grief in it, and a kind of re-awakening through sexual desire. I think that a cynic might think it cheap or clichéd to rely on that trope, regardless I think it is certainly a true one. Although I write sex stories, I am keenly aware that sex is not just a mechanical act. Sometimes it is one of spiritual awakening, sometimes a healing act. I have been lucky enough to have such experiences, and I suspect, so have many readers. There is no greater feeling of acceptance and validation than a lover trusting you with their heart.

If you enjoy the story, please do leave a rating. As always, being a semi-illiterate, semi-literal literary whore, I am available for commission. I do hope you enjoy!

U_D ***

IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO 184 WILLOW RIDGE ROAD, ASHFORD, NH 03227

Wednesday, 07/31/74

Dinged my car again, this time outside McCabe's. If I get another year out of that beater, I'll be shocked! No idea where I'll scrape together money for a new one. With Steve's tuition, I'm completely broke most weeks. Ah well. Maybe I'll take Steve's skateboard to work, ha!

Thursday, 08/01/74

Some jerk in the restaurant pinched my buttagaintoday! I was already in a bad mood, and threw a customer's Coke in his face! Lyle kicked him out. What an asshole! a jerk! Getting so sick of men thinking they can dowhateverthey want! Starting to think I should put my wedding ring back on... at least when I'm at work.

Jeez Louise, I should have been a hairdresser!

Friday, 08/02/74

Steve called today, said he's made some new friends in school. It was a relief to hear. I know it can't be easy for him, being so far away from home. I still write him a letter once a week, but I keep it light. I don't want to burden him with how I'm feeling...

Had leftover tuna salad for dinner, just couldn't be bothered to make a hot meal. What's the point? No one but me to eat it.

Looking forward to tomorrow, will be nice to catch up with Sue. We always know how to lift each other's spirits. A few days away are just what the doctor ordered!

Saturday, 08/03/74

Sue called this morning at the last minute to say she couldn't go on the darned trip! Michael and her had a huge fight so now she doesn't want to make things worse. That paranoid jerk probably thought we were going partying for a week! I mean, IT'S A COTTAGE ON A LAKE! What kind of troubleCOULDwe even get into!?! It's the exact same shit crap he pulled that time we went skiing on the Whites. I'm wicked annoyed!The whole trip wasn't even my idea!

Anyway, turns out Sue already paid the deposit, so I decided... I've already packed my bags for a trip, and by Jove,I'm goin'!Why the heck not!?! Steve went back to school, and the house just feels empty. Last thing I want to do is waste my time off work doing chores, overeating, overdrinking, and overthinking! If Aaron was still alive, I probably woul

Writing this, I'm at a diner on my way to Barnstead. Honestly, I've been looking forward to getting away. Things have just felt so bleak lonely over the past couple of years. Steve has tried to step up, and he has been a great help. I think he thinks he's the man of the house! I guess he is, but still... he's 16 now, and once he graduates he'll probably go off to university and have his own life. And I certainly don't want to hold him back. But I can't help wondering... where does that leave me? A 41 year old widow with a son I'll likely only see during the holidays, and a job I desperately want to quit, and a mortgage I can barely afford, looking for... Godknowswhat!

Hopefully I can just relax for a few days, read some trashy books, drink some cheap wine, and take some time out for myself. Lord knows, this ol' girl needs a break!

Sunday, 08/04/74

Half Moon Lake Halfmoon Lake

I arrived yesterday at the cottage. It is quaint and cozy and SO beautiful, and right beside the water! It's secluded so I can't even see the neighbors. When I pulled the car up, the lake was like glass, and it was reflecting the clouds as they started to turn pink. I don't know why, but it made me think of Aaron. Think he would have liked it here.

I treated myself to dinner at the local restaurant last night. Food was nice enough, and the waitress wasalmostnice enough. Had to ask for the checkthree times!I suspect she just didn't like the attention I was getting from the local men folk!

An older gentleman from Massachusetts tried to strike up a conversation with me. He seemed pleasant and well dressed, though wasdefinitelytoo old for me! We chatted, and I told him I was staying at the cottage for a week. He said he was a businessman looking at rental properties in the area. I couldn't help notice the tan line on his wedding finger, damn shameless flatlander! Thanks, but no thanks! His poor wife was probably at home, none the wiser...

... or maybe shewasn'tat home, and PLENTY wiser! Haha!

I went to mass this morning at the local church, St. Paul's. The priest here is soyoung!He was okay, and people seemed to like him, but I always find it hard to take advice from someone almost as old as my wedding dress. Anyway, at one point they were singing hymns (there were a few colored Black people in the choir) and I found myself singing and clapping along, and it was a HOOT! I wish our church in Ashford had half that enthusiasm. I mean, I love Father Collins, but sometimes I think he forgets the gospel is supposed to be 'good' news!

The weather is perfect, pretty hot but with the occasional cool breeze. Going to sit out on the dock and try to read before the sun goes down... that is, if the dang mosquitoes quit bothering me for five minutes!

Monday, 08/05/74

Strangest thing happened today.

Was buying groceries, and while I'm queuing, an argument broke out. Apparently the owner had been following a Black man around the store to make sure he didn't steal. The man took issue with that, and eventually gave the owner a piece of his mind. It escalated from there. I thought at one point that it might get physical! I don't think it would have been much of a fight though, the Black man had moxie to spare and wasMUCHbigger than the store owner! Next thing I know, the sheriff shows up, and it was looking like the guy might get arrested!

Usually, I stay out of things like that, but I just couldn't stand by and watch, so I told the sheriff what I had seen. Luckily, he was reasonable enough, and that seemed to calm the situation down a little... though the store owner looked pretty indignant. Guess I'll be using the other grocery store in town from now on!

Afterwards, when I was going back to my car, the Black man caught up to thank me. I said no problem, glad to help. One thing led to another, and we chatted for a while. As I sat in my car, he stood by the window and we talked for at least 10 minutes. His name is Curtis, and he's probably in his late 20s. I told him how Sue had cancelled last minute on our trip. He told me he was visiting the area to do some hiking and fishing. Turns out, he's a bail bondsman! Jeepers, I certainly never met anyone in THAT line of work!

After I said goodbye, as I was driving away, he flagged me down. Then he askedIF I WANTED TO GET COFFEE!I wasSTUNNED!Half speechless, it took me a second to even answer!

I mean, he is definitelyhandsomebut... he's Black. Anda lotyounger than me. I justcouldn't. Even on a vacation when no one would find out... You know, a part of mewascurious, but we are from two different worlds.

So I just said thank you, but no.

He smiled when I said that, and I almost changed my mind

Very strange indeed! Still though, nice to know even at my age I'm attractive enough to get the attention of a tall, good-looking young man, HA!

Tuesday, 08/06/74

Having a coffee beside the lake. There's something about this place that quiets my soul.

I've started writing poetry again. Hadn't written a word since Steve was young, but for some reason since coming to Halfmoon, I've felt a kind of compulsive creativity. Thoughts and feelings just seem to spill from me onto the page.

Can't help but notice the themes in what I write.

Loneliness. Grief. Death.

To the people I know, I'm sure they look at me and see someone who is holding up despite the death of my husband. I appear well-dressed, hair always styled, my makeup always just so. I don't miss days at work. I appear normal. I appear to be functioning.

And I still get attention... though some less welcome than others.

But they don't know the dark thoughts that haunt me while I lie awake. For months after, I slept on my side of the bed. Then one day, I realized I had started sleeping in the middle. There was no real consequence to this, but it somehowfeltterrible. Final. My husband was gone, and all I had left was the echo of his love. For me, the surprising parts of grieving are not the saying goodbye at a hospital bed, or watching the coffin sink into the earth. It is the mundane adjustments. A half-empty wardrobe. Songs we shared and inside jokes. Driving by where we had our first date. And the things I can't throw away.

It's been over 2 years, and I still ache for his touch, and his re-assurance. He always seemed to naturally know what to say. Sometimes I think he knew me better than I knew myself. When I was stressed or having a bad day, he would put a Billy Holiday record on, usually Crazy He Calls Me. He'd take my hand, and dance with me slowly in the kitchen, and I felt my tensions melt, my head resting against his chest, the world becoming smaller, more manageable. I could only feel truly at peace after we made love.

Now when I hear Billy Holiday, tears usually follow, and all I feel is the unbearable coldness of his absence. Better never to have loved, maybe. I remember learning in school how Neptune was an ice giant. Sometimes I think that is what my world is like. An endless, frozen expanse, nothing worth exploring in any direction.

I can't bear the thought of being with any man who wouldn't compare to my beautiful, strong, loving husband. And no man I've met can even compete with his ghost.

... Obviously feeling blue today! Going to go for a hike around the lake this afternoon, try to shake this heavy mood.

Wednesday, 08/07/74

God... I don't know how to say this!

Guess I'll start from the start. I was nearly home from my hike yesterday when I saw a familiar face fishing by the lake. It was Curtis! I stopped to say hello, and we chatted again. I sat and watched while he fished, and he told me about his job, and his family back in Boston. I told him about Aaron, and Steve, and my job at the restaurant. It was nice to talk to someone outside of my circle. I didn't feel any pressure to be someone else. He listened, and didn't interrupt.

After a while, he asked me if I wanted to try fish. He stood behind me and showed me how to cast the line. It was strange to be so close to a man, particularly a young, strong Black man. I got a little self-conscious when I noticed some people staring, but he seemed unfazed.

When I got a pull, Curtis helped me reel in a great big Hornpout! He told me he'd been fishing for three hours without a bite, and that I got one within 5 minutes, ha!

I felt really good spending time with him.

When he asked me if I had any plans for the evening, I said no, and he asked me if I wanted to get coffeeagain!This time, I felt so mixed up!

Having spent some time with him, I couldn't think of a reason to refuse a simple cup of coffee. So we went to the diner, and had lunch.

I ordered a salad and he got a spuckie. It felt strange sitting on my own with a guy, and not just because he is Black. He is over a decade younger than me! I must confess, it was a slight thrill to see the waitresses and local women glancing over, whispering to each other. From my perspective, it was simply two strangers getting to know each other, non-romantically. I guess the looky-loos were just curious. I know things have come a long way but a lot of people still frown on interracial relationships. Maybe some are jealous too. I'm sureplentyof women dream of what it would be like to date a Black man!

Things were relaxed between us and I found it easy to talk, though I was a little self-conscious, afraid I'd come across as square. After we finished eating, Curtis told mehe thought I was beautiful!I never blushed so much in my entire life! I chided him, told him I was old enough to be his aunt (ha!) but he persisted, and asked if he could see me for dinner!

Again, I told him thanks, but no, that I wasn't looking for a relationship... andcertainlynot with a younger man!

STILLhe was undeterred! What's a girl to say to a determined young man!

Zowie, I'm blushing just writing this!

In the end, I gave in and agreed to go for a walk with him. Going to meet him at 6 by the pier.

Thursday, 08/08/74

So... I ended up having dinner with Curtis last night.

We met for a walk, and I kept expecting it to become awkward between us, or the conversation to run dry, but it never did. He told me stories about his work, how he had tracked down different people and brought them in. He showed me a scar he had from the knife-wielding, drug-addict girlfriend of one suspect! It sounded terribly dangerous!... but alsoexciting!I can only imagine him wrestling guys to the ground before putting handcuffs on them!

My stories were pretty tame in comparison, but he seemed happy enough listening to me, and asked me questions. He's very easy to speak to. Sometimes the way he looks at me, I start to feel a little nervous. As the sun set, we just sat by the water, enjoying the view. It was so serene. At one point, Curtis tried to take my hand in his! I refused, of course. He didn't seem offended or hurt, he just treated me to another warm smile.

He told me that he had put our catch in the oven, and had a bottle of wine in his place. He asked if I wanted to join him for dinner, but I said no. I mean, he's very handsome and all, but I just couldn't be alone with a man I hardly know!

Then... when he walked me back to the cottage... he asked if he couldkiss me!!!Again I refused but, I must admit... I was a little tempted!

When I went to sleep last night, I kept thinking about how he made me feel, excited but safe. And I remembered how small I had felt when he was close to me.

I agreed to meet him for lunch again today. Starting to wonder if that was a good idea...

Just back from lunch and... Oh. MY.GOD!

We ate in the same place, and went for another stroll afterwards. Everyone seemed to be rubbernecking as the middle-aged white woman took a walk by the lake with the big, youthful Black man.

When Curtis tried to take my hand again... this time I let him! My heart was POUNDING! When people passed, they were usually polite, but some seemed contemptuous. I was so nervous. At first, a part of me wanted to let go of his hand, but when I looked at him and saw how fearless he was, I felt a little fearless too!

Afterwards, he walked me back to the cottage.

This time, he didn't ask... he just pulled me closeAND KISSED ME!!!

Oh my word, it wasEXHILIRATING!I felt like a teenager again, his big strong arms wrapped around, holding me to him! I could hardly breathe!

My body against his, I felt him react to me... physically. God, evenwritingthis is making me feel funny!

I said goodnight to him, and he gave me that perfect white smile once more. Gosh... he isSOhandsome!!!

We agreed to meet for lunch tomorrow...

I don't know what I'm doing!I mean, obviously, we're both adults, and we do come from different worlds, but... I don't know! There's something about him that is affecting me. When he kissed me, I felt light-headed, dreamy, like I'd just had a bottle of wine. It was like a fantasy I never knew I had. His powerful hands on my body, and his eyes looking down at me made me feel tiny, and for a moment I imagined what it might be like to jump his bones!

Jeez, I'm rambling now!

I'll see how things go tomorrow. I'm sure he'll want another kiss... maybe more? Lord, if Sue could see me now!

Friday, 08/09/74

Curtis was on my mind last night as I went to sleep, even woke up thinking about him! My thoughts are so chaotic, and my body is aching to be touched. I didn't realize how much I've been gagging for it! It's kind of embarrassing! I have butterflies in my stomach. I kept thinking about today, what might happen when we meet. I'm so nervous, I feel like a ditzy schoolgirl!

On my way to see him now. Decided to wear my floral summer dress, hope he doesn't think it makes me look plain! Gonna let my hair down too. Wish me luck!!!

Saturday, 08/10/74

I don't know how to say this.

Curtis and I went all the way last night!

And I mean...ALL THE WAY!!!

God, even writing that is turning me on!

Whew!... OK! Let me start from the start, I don't want to forget any details!

So, we went for lunch AGAIN. This time it felt different somehow, I think maybe we were just both excited. I know he is attracted to me, and if I'm honest, I am EXTREMELY attracted to him!!! His eyes were on my lips for half the conversation. This time though, there were silences between our exchanges, and once or twice (or thrice) I felt his gaze drop to my cleavage. God, it felt so naughty!

He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk again, but... we bothknewwhat he meant.

He meant, did I want to kiss him again...

When we walked, he took my hand, and it felt strangely natural, as if we had been a couple for years. He told me about a white female neighbor who had been nice to him where he grew up. He had played with her son, but really, he had preferred being around the boy's kindly Mom. She had given Curtis attention, praising his drawings and how he seemed to have a knack for building things. That positivity was something he hadn't gotten much of at home. He told me I reminded him of her, my warmth. And... my beauty.

We passed the older Massachusetts man I had met in the restaurant. He was hiking with a couple of men. When he saw us, his eyes went wide, and he shot Curtis a hostile glance.

Not evenslightlyintimidated, Curtis just stared him down, and the older guy looked away!

I must admit, his fearlessness is thrilling!

Anticipating getting to the cottage, I pictured what it would feel like to kiss him again. I was so excited as he spoke, I could hardly breathe. To be honest, I felt myself getting turned on with every step! I felt like I was swooning over the high school quarterback! And somehow he had picked ME!

When we got back to the garden outside the cottage, I kind of waited by the gate... waiting for him to try kiss me. But he just stood there, his eyes holding mine, and I started to feel shy, embarrassed, almost likeIwas the younger person. When I couldn't take it anymore, I asked him if he wanted to kiss me.

He told me that he wantedMEto kissHIM!!!

Oh my word! My heart was pounding, and I felt sooo nervous!

I looked up at him, and had to stand on my tiptoes to kiss his lips. I felt his arm slide around my waist, and I had this uncanny feeling that he was in charge. I didn't mind in the least! We kissed, and again I felt him... react. I could feel his hard dick penis against me, and it was HUGE!!! God, just writing this is driving me to distraction!!!