I Will Always Love You

I Will Always Love You

I Will Always Love You

I had been noticing for months that my wife, Alice, had been growing more distant. A lot had happened at her work, so I knew there was pressure from there, and I thought I needed to do something to pull our relationship out of the funk it had slipped into. I missed what we had been for 24 years.

Alice was a church secretary in our small church. She didn't need to work; I made plenty and she had been a stay-at-home mom for our children. But two years ago, our youngest left for college and our oldest was working and doing well, so Alice began to spend more time doing volunteer work at the church, which eventually turned into a paid position as our church secretary. Not that it paid much, it was a minimum wage job, but again, we didn't need the money, and it did give her a feeling of independence.

So, I downloaded information on unsold cabins on a two-week cruise in the Caribbean leaving in only a few weeks and that evening, after we had finished supper, I handed it to her and told her we were in a rut, and I hoped this might help. I felt we could both secure the vacation time we needed and make it. She looked at the printout with a disinterested view at first, but halfway through, while looking at the pictures of the onboard amenities, her face brighten and she smiled.

"So, what do you think, sweetheart?"

"Oh, it's nice, Michael, but I really can't leave work and all right now. The church needs me. Our Pastor needs me. You know how difficult these past few months have been for him."

She was talking about the car accident Pastor Jacob was in six months ago. He walked away from the accident, but his wife was killed. The whole church grieved. She was a quiet woman, but she was a well-loved part of our little community.

"Aw, come on, Alice, surely, he can spare you for two weeks. He has the whole church to help; there are plenty of folks who can volunteer to help in the office."

"Yes, I know, but it is still a tough time for Jake, and he needs my support. Maybe we can do this in a year or two."

That was the first time Alice had called him Jake. Before, she only ever called Pastor Jacob.

I answered, "Alice, I miss you. Things with us have fallen out of synch lately. I want us the way we use to be."

"I do too, dear. Things have been different lately, but that is mostly because of the challenges at church, but things will be the way they use to soon enough, I promise."

I gave up. Maybe I'd try again in a month or so, for no other reason than to focus her attention on how much I needed her. I wasn't the fan of Pastor Jacob that most of the church was. I found him over the top in his sermons and arrogant, aloof, and standoffish as far as his pastoring skills were concerned. He was charismatic from the pulpit, but that really didn't work so much for me. The only reason I attended this church was to support my wife.

A week later events began that would quickly swallow up my marriage.

First, the pastor announced that the next two Sundays, he would be out for a very needed sabbatical. He thanked an unnamed member of our congregation for a donation that allowed this short respite. He assured us Brother Thomas could handle services for those two Sundays.

Then, I was balancing our business accounts, and as I did from time to time, I took a distribution from the business to my personal accounts. I deposited my distribution into my savings account. As always, I checked to make sure my on-line transfer was successful. It was. It was then I saw a recent withdrawal of $11,455 from our account.

The amount was striking, as it was the same amount for the suit I had proposed on the cruise ship my wife had refused. The withdrawal had gone into Alice's private account.

Both our checking and savings accounts were joint. But when Alice took on her job as our church's secretary, she deposited her pay in a separate account that did not have my name on it. While she had been a stay-at-home mom, we only had our joint accounts, but after Russell left for college and she started to work outside the home she thought having her own account gave her a sense of independence and a degree of confidence. I didn't have a problem with that.

When I got home that evening, Alice was again working late, so I prepared supper. When she dragged in well after seven, I served our meal, but Alice was mostly quiet. After cleaning up, I asked her to sit with me at the table.

"I checked our savings account and, well, I see you changed your mind about us going on that cruise." I said.

At that her eyes got big and her face reddened.

I continued, "I hate to ruin your surprise, but since we only have a few days to get everything ready, I need time to clear my calendar and all."

"Michael" she interrupted, "we aren't going on the cruise."

"What?" I asked.

"This is for Pastor Jacob; he desperately needs a break. He is in terrible pain; he hasn't gotten over the loss of his dear wife."

"What? That is a lot of money. Shouldn't I have been part of this decision?"

"I should have told you, but like you always said, this is my money too, and I had to do this. He is a man of God, and he needs this very much."

"But this is the same cruise I asked you to go with me on, and you refused. You do realize how strange this is, you're taking my idea for us and giving it to someone else?"

"Well, it was a good idea."

"And then not telling me about it?"

"I was afraid you'd be against it, so I wasn't going to give you a chance to talk me out of it."

"You deliberately didn't want me to have a voice in this?"

"Michael, there is something else..."

She paused and took a breath. "Pastor Jacob wants me to go with him."

"You got a second cabin?" I asked.

"No." She responded quietly.

After a moment to catch my breath, and said, "What!?! You two in one cabin? You are leaving me for the pastor?" I finally said just above a whisper.

"No! No, Michael, never! I'm not leaving you! I love you! I would never leave you. This is just for two weeks. Pastor Jacob just needs comforting, companionship, he needs support. This is just to help him get his feet on the ground having just lost his wife. We need him to continue his mission for God. This is not about how much I love you. It's not about us. It's about doing God's work."

Gathering my wits, I said, "you are going to be having sex with another man. What about your vows to me before God on our wedding day, have you forgotten that already, where do your sacred wedding vows rate in doing God's work?"

She wasn't looking at me any longer, she was silently staring at the table.

After an awkward pause, I continued, "Have you already slept with him."

She was silent.

"You have committed adultery with our pastor?" I said.

"It is not adultery, it is comfort for a man of God, enabling God's work."

"I am pretty sure adultery with a Pastor is not God's work."

"Don't say that. It is something I have to do. Pastor Jake is a great man. We need to help him. You need to help him. You need to let me do this for him."

"If you are looking for my permission, the answer is absolutely no. You may not do this."

She continued staring at the same part of the tabletop and sat in an awkward silence for many minutes. I was certain this was the end of our marriage. My anger eased into sadness. I loved Alice. I felt as if I was going to break. I got up and went upstairs to my son's old room, shut the door, and just sat on the bed.

After five minutes, Alice entered the room.

"Please, Michael, don't shut me out. Really, it is going to be okay."

In a calm, subdued voice, I responded, "You are going to do this after I have told you not to?"

"I have to. It is for the church."

"Bullshit!"

Then, in a softer voice, "Alice, leave me alone. I need to grieve. I loved you so much. Please, go."

She stood at the door for a moment, silent. "Michael, I love you too. I really do. This is not about us. This is something I have to do for a man of God."

Now with anger returning, I responded, "Oh, for fuck's sake, leave God out of it. Be honest with yourself if you can't be honest with me. You might think it's only for two weeks, but it is forever. You are betraying me. You are humiliating me in front of our children, in front of our friends and in front of your damn church."

With that, she slowly shut the door. I just sat there, staring at the wall recalling our wedding, the birth of our two kids, the ups and downs we had enjoyed together for 24 years. Or was it 23 years? When did I lose her? When did that snake wrap himself around my wife. She had been working there with him for a full year now. Was it then? Was it before then while she was spending time at the church as a volunteer?

Later, I heard her going to bed. I imagined she would sleep well tonight, thinking of the fun time she would have with her lover on the cruise I paid for.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

I woke early, recalling the waking nightmare I was in. It was still dark outside. I made some coffee, checked my email, checked the news. Then I said to hell with it, waiting for her to get up wasn't going to change anything, so I was out the door by 5 and headed to the office.

First thing I did was cancel all our joint credit cards. I still had my work credit card so I could use that. I wasn't out to hurt her; but I had to protect myself.

By 8 o'clock, the phone rang. It was my daughter, Carol. Every morning Carol and her mother would talk on the phone as Carol drove to work. They had always been close.

I picked up the phone. "Hey sweetheart, what's up."

"Where are you, dad?"

"I'm at the office. Why do ask?"

"Mom said you guys had a big fight last night and when she got up this morning you were gone. She wouldn't tell me what the fight was about. What's going on, Dad?

"It wasn't much of a fight, but I am afraid the consequences will be. Your mom told me her plans, and I told her not to do it, and she refused. After that, we didn't talk. This morning, I just woke up early and came to work early. I didn't want to fight; I need time to figure stuff out."

"What plans? What is this all about?"

"Well, there are always two sides to a story, and I don't want you to get an unbalanced view. Let's just say your mom is going to do something that I don't think I can live with. If she wants to fill in the details, let her do it. I don't think I can give you a fair description."

"Dad, you're scaring me."

I took a deep breath and sighed. "I am sorry, sweetie, I am scared. Why don't we let things cool off a bit and then have a conversation."

"Dad, are you okay?"

I answered honestly. "No, dear, I'm not. We'll talk later, I promise." I ended the call.

I called my lawyer, told him the situation and asked for his help. I emailed over my financials and what I thought was a fair division. We made an appointment for that afternoon.

I then drove to the bank, opened up an account solely in my name, left enough in our joint account to cover anything outstanding, and then transferred my savings account into an account in my name only.

I stayed late at work, grabbed a bite at a fast-food restaurant, and headed home. Alice was waiting for me, but I told her I couldn't talk yet and headed upstairs.

After just a few minutes, she came into the room and said, "stop this! I told you I loved you, and I do, I really do. This is only something that I have to do. It is serving the Lord. This man of God is in pain from losing his wife. It is something I can do to help him and by helping him, I am helping God."

"How long?" I asked.

"What?"

"How long have you been screwing Jake the snake?"

"Don't look at it like that, Michael."

"How long? A year? Two years? How long has my marriage been a fraud?"

After a long pause, "Three...no four weeks. Our marriage is not a fraud, I love you."

I shook my head.

"By the way, I have taken your name off our bank accounts. I have also cancelled all our credit cards. And I have cancelled our donation to the church. You have your own account so you can donate whatever you want from your account. I'm not spending any more of my money onyourlovers!"

She just stared at me, then her face reddened, she angrily shouted, "I have to do this. If you don't understand that, you don't understand me." With that she turned and slammed the door shut and furiously marched downstairs.

Thursday evening, I returned late again. Alice was in living room, waiting for me. She asked to talk. I sat down opposite her.

"We leave to fly down to the port tomorrow afternoon for our boarding time on Saturday morning. This is going to happen, Michael, you are just going to have to live with it. It will only be two weeks, I will return Saturday night in two weeks, and our life is going to be the same."

"Alice, don't do this."

Then I added, "Do you love Jake?"

Alice visibly winced at the question, then responded, "Michael, I love you."

I waited a second to see if she had anything else to add. She didn't. I turned and walked upstairs. She called out, "Come back here Michael, we need to finish this.

I responded, "I am afraid it is finished" and continued upstairs to my son's room.

I was up early again the next morning, but this time I waited for Alice to come down. I had coffee made for both of us. When she came down, she seemed surprised to see me.

"Have you changed your mind, Michael?" she asked.

I ignored her question, and said to her, "Alice, I just wanted to say before you leave that I will always love you. You have given me many, many happy years, and two wonderful children. That world is coming to an end, and I am devastated about that. I thought we had built something wonderful and everlasting. I am surprised now at how little I meant to you."

Then I added as an afterthought, "I really wanted to grow old with you."

"What are you talking about, it is just two weeks!"

"No, dear, it's not."

With that, I picked up my briefcase and walked out the door.

Later that morning, my daughter called. "Dad, where is Mom? She hasn't answered her phone this morning. What is up."

"Oh, sweetie, I am afraid we are in the middle of something that is very difficult. I imagine that is why she is avoiding you."

"What is it, Dad?"

"Ah, let's just say she is taking a vacation without me."

"Ouch. That doesn't sound good. What is really going on?"

"If you want to come over tonight, we can talk about it some more. But try to get Mom's side first. She is still in town, keep trying to call her."

I didn't do well at work that day. I left early in the afternoon. My daughter showed up at six with take out.

After eating, I asked if she had connected with her mom. She said she had tried several more times, but the phone went unanswered. After a hesitation, I told her that our pastor was still deeply grieving the loss of his wife, and that her mom had decided to take him on a cruise to "comfort him."

Carol cocked her head to one side and said, "You mean...?"

I nodded.

My daughter's response was "you are fucking kidding me!" It was the first time my daughter had ever dropped the F-Bomb in my presence.

She picked up her phone immediately, texted her mom, saying, "pick up the phone immediately, or lose your daughter forever."

She then called, and Alice did pick up.

"What the Holy Fuck, Mom, you have thrown away our family just to let that pompous old weasel bone you? Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Carol, don't use the words with me, I am your mother."

"The hell you are, my mother would never do anything so slutty as this. What the fuck?"

"Carol, please, calm down, it's not like that! Let me explain, please. Your Dad is trying to poison you against me."

"It's Dad's fault you want to fuck another man?!? That's rich. Your husband hasn't said a cross word about you. He is just sitting here completely broken."

"Carol, I am coming back in two weeks. Our family will be okay. This is just a short break, Pastor Jacob is a man of God and he needs this. I am just trying to get him back on track, help him find his way."

"Then tell him to drive downtown and pick up a prostitute. Don't you prostitute yourself, betray my father and destroy our family."

"I am not a prostitute! I love your father. I am coming home to him in just two weeks."

"Stop this now and come home, while you still have a family to come home to!"

"Carol, enough! In two weeks, everything will be back to normal and in two months this will all be forgotten."

"Who is telling you this, the Almighty Jacob? It is pure bullshit, Mom. Come home to your family, now. Otherwise, the only thing that will be forgotten is that I ever had a mother."

"STOP THIS, CAROL! Stop it right now. I don't know where you have picked up this disrespect for your mother, or this horrible language, but it stops now!

"I picked it up from my mom's disrespect for my father! Go ahead fuck the preacher! But remember, you walked away from your marriageandyour family."

Then Carol hung up, came over to me, and gave me a long hug. When it finished, we were both crying.

There were no other phone calls. Alice left as scheduled on the cruise with her lover.

That Sunday, Carol and her husband went with me to church. I was still a church goer, I still thought I might find comfort, but there was nothing there for me. I have no idea what the sermon was about.

Several members of the congregation came up to me afterwards and asked me where Alice was. I told her she went on a cruise. They all gave me a strange look, and asked "without you?" I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

I made time go as fast as I could at work. I arrived early and stayed late and worked hard trying to blot Alice out of my mind.

The next Sunday I returned to church, again with my daughter and her husband. More people came up to me and asked me where Alice was.

"On a cruise." I'd say.

"You couldn't get time off to go with her?"

"I could, I just wasn't invited."

Folks would pause, mutter "I see." And added that they would pray for us.

Carol and her husband spent Sunday afternoon with me, barbequing and drinking beer. They didn't want me to be alone.

Then Saturday rolled around. I checked the flight schedules. She should have landed at 3:30 that afternoon. She should have been back no later than 5. I had a property settlement agreement in hand, and my plan was to give it to her when she arrived.

But no Alice at 5. Or at 6. Or seven. At 8, I broke down and called her.

"Hello, Michael." Her voice was soft and sweet.

"Where are you, Alice?"

"I am still with Jake. He still needs me. I can't leave him yet."

"You promised today you'd be back."

"I know. But I can't leave yet. He needs me."

"What about our family."

"It will be okay. He just needs a little more time."

Then, I asked the question I had asked before. "Do you love him?"

"Michael, I love you."

I repeated, "Do you love him."

"Oh, Michael, don't be like that."

With that, I said, "Goodbye, Alice" and hung up.

The next day was Sunday. Carol, her husband and I went to church early. I sat at our usual place. Just before the start of the service, Alice entered, glanced at me, quickly looked away, and took a seat right under the pulpit in the very first row. I got up, walked over to her, and started to sit down. I was going to hand her the Property Settlement Agreement.

"No, Michael, you can't sit here. Jake still needs me and you're sitting here with me will set him back."

I just stared at her. Then I shook my head and walked to the rear of the church. The service began, and after the usual prayers and readings, the moment for church announcements came, and an elder rose and read off the announcements of church social gatherings and volunteer work, then as usual, he asked if the congregation had any announcements.