Tale Of The Ignorant Dumbass #1

The Tale Of The Ignorant Dumbass #1

Author's Notes: Hello dear readers, thank you for giving this story a read! A few quick things to explain for those who might not know the subject matter. This story is set in the fantasy world known as Forgotten Realms. The world that the Baldur's Gate franchise is set in. Or the most recent Dungeons and Dragons movie for those who do not play video games. The realm that the famous dark elf ranger Drizzt Do'Urden resides in. This is a world of swords and sorcery. If you don't get some of the references that are mentioned, you might need to look a few things up but I will do my best to ensure that everything is explained well enough. Those who know the franchise will know the names of locations I use though some will be fictional.

Thank you for reading!!

Chapter 1: The Tale Begins

The crowed cheered and jeered as the prisoners were were being marched to the gallows. There were currently five of them, one held in a cage while the others were bound by their hands.

"Company of the Ignorant Dumbasses," read the prison warden. The statement made four of the five bound groan and one large black male in naught but a loincloth stand straight. "You have been found guilty of murder of Lockwood citizens, destruction of property including several buildings, rape, and betrayal of Lockwood's trust after it employed you and paid you! Jorgun, Astreth, Cale, Bok, and Felicia! For these crimes, you have been sentenced to death by hanging!"

"I must say!" protested Astreth, who was short brown haired with fine facial features, blue eyes, flashily dressed, and a speech patter that signified education and nobility. "If this is how Lockwood treats it's heroes, it's a small wonder you couldn't fine anyone to save from those orcs! We performed our task as was requested! Yet this is how you thank us?"

"You destroyed a tavern!" someone in the crowd yelled.

"A night of revelry that got out of hand!" said Astreth dismissively. "And I shouldn't be blamed for this, it was there fault!" He jerked his had to Jorgun and Cale, the latter being the one in the cage.

"An ignorant dumbass drinks and parties after a completed quest!" said Jorgun. He was the massive black man wearing nothing but the loincloth. Ripped with muscle and completely bald. Several people laughed at his statement.

"Yet you had to destroy the tavern?" said Astreth.

"That was the dirt worshipper!" said Jorgun pointing to Cale in the cage. "He transformed into a grizzly bear and knocked out the support beams! I was merely trying to have a fine drink!"

"Then why did you try to wrestle him down?" said Felicia, the lone woman on the gallows. She was golden blonde haired with ice blue eyes.

"An ignorant dumbass never backs down from a challenge!" said Jorgun with pride. More people laughed.

"Bok no get it!" said Bok, who was a blocky featured half-orc, half-human.

"None of us understand Bok," said Felicia. "This whole situation is bullshit. Especially me being up here. What did I do?"

"You and the orc bastard murdered several guards!" screamed someone in the crowd.

"Bok no orc!" bellowed Bok.

"I didn't understand the situation," said Felicia. "And Bok follows our lead. He saw our own being attacked. Are we to be blamed for that?"

"Yes!" roared many in the crowd.

"I still haven't heard why am I here!" said Astreth. "I wasn't involved in the destruction of the tavern! Nor have I killed anyone in this fine town!"

"You raped my wife!" bellowed a finely dressed portly man.

"Ah, Mr. Mayor," said Astreth. "I apologize if this is difficult for you to understand but your lovely wife came to me of her own. Something about you not being able to provide good sex to her for the better part of the last three years. It was not rape. Cheating yes. But not rape. It was most assuredly willing on her part!" Astreth winked at the mayor. That caused some laughter from the crowd.

"Kill them all!" snarled the mayor, angered at being laughed at.

"She should have come to me!" said Jorgun. "I would have rocked her world far beyond you!"

"I highly doubt that. I am a skilled lover of women!" said Astreth.

"I am an ignorant dumbass and my dick is huge!" replied Jorgun. Even more laughter followed that statement. Jorgun's reply was to lift his loin cloth and display his large black manhood for all to see. "Do you doubt me?" The crowd quieted and more than a few women looked appraisingly.

"Size is not everything, you barbaric bozo!" said Astreth.

"Only people without size say that, you foppish dandy!"

"Enough!" roared the warden. "Make ready to hang them!"

Felicia looked at Cale in his cage and spoke while the crowd was jeering. "Please tell me the others are about!"

Cale nodded. He was auburn haired and bearded, green eyed, and he glanced around looking for faces he knew. He saw one before returning his attention to Felicia. "I saw them. Don't worry!" he half nodded to her. "We aren't dying here today!"

"Hang the first four! Then we'll hang the shape shifter!" said the mayor.

The warden had nooses placed around the necks of Jorgun, Astreth, Bok, and Felicia. "Final words?" said the hangman.

"Bok kill you!" said Bok.

"I am an ignorant dumbass and you will regret turning on me this way!" bellowed Jorgun.

"We will be taking our leave of this place soon. And it won't be to the next life!" said Astreth confidently.

Felicia said nothing. The hangman made for the lever. He went to pull it but the jailer guard beside him suddenly acted, transforming into a man in full plate armor adorned with ever watching eyes, a kite shield, and a heavy mace. He bashed the hangman in the back of the head, smashing his skull. From above came a dark figured all in black, throwing kunai at the ropes, severing each of them. A fireball exploded behind the crowd, who began screaming and running in all directions. A redheaded woman appeared at Cale's cage, seized the lock with both hands and tore it off.

Cale lept out of the cage and transformed into a massive grizzly bear. Without mercy he barreled down on the Lockwood guards, tearing into them with claws. Up on the gallows the man in the armor dropped a bundle at the feet of the rescued.

"Gods bless you Garth!" said Astreth as he drew a elegant rapier and a ridiculous red hat from the bundle.

"Helm guards all!" said Garth. He was short brown haired, dark eyed, and fit.

Jorgun picked up two hand axes. "Tempus hear my cry! I am an ignorant dumbass!" he bellowed diving into the fight below.

Bok picked up a massive spiked club and swung it with two hands, completely crushing the warden's skull. "Bok hate you!" Bok then followed Jorgun into the melee.

Felicia picked up a eagle hilted sword, a bow and quiver. She whistled and flying down from above came a pegasus, which she mounted at once and took to the sky.

"Jocelyn is bringing the wagon around with Selene and Knash," said the man in dark clothing as the redhead jumped up to join them.

"Took you long enough to free us Zar!" said Astreth.

"I could have let you all hang!" said Zar rolling his eyes and recovering his kunai.

"Bicker later!" said Garth putting his helmet back on. "Where's the wagon Lynn?" he asked the redhead.

"Right there!" Lynn pointed. Smashing through the throng of Lockwood soldiers fighting with grizzly bear-Cale, Jorgun, and Bok. A tiny blonde woman was at the reigns, singing as if she was in a tavern entertaining for the night. Riding with her was a lean looking brown skinned black haired man with daggers out, cutting anything that got too close. In the back was a woman in obvious wizard robes. "Jocelyn!" said Lynn.

"It's time to go!" said Jocelyn interrupting her song.

"I'm here too!" said the man with the daggers.

"Don't be an attention whore Knash!" said Astreth as he got on the wagon.

"Says the biggest attention whore in the group!" said Zar. A guard came at him and he sidestepped the sword, then stabbed the guard in the neck with a knife in one simple motion, the knife then disappearing back into his dark attire.

Everyone made for the wagon. Above Felicia used her bow to pick off Lockwood guards from above. Garth, Lynn, and Bok got in the wagon with the others. Cale transformed into a horse now and Jorgun mounted him and rode behind the wagon, Felicia flying above. Lockwood guards on horseback gave chase.

"Boy they are really determined!" said Knash.

"That's what happens when you fuck the mayor's wife!" said Zar.

"I think the destruction of the tavern had more to do with it!" said Astreth.

"Less talk, more run!" said Bok.

"You know it's sad when Bok is the sensible one!" said Garth.

Zar turned to the woman in the wizard's robes. "Could you clear them off, Selene?"

Selene nodded and waved her hands without speaking. Jorgun, who was riding atop the horse form of Cale, called a warning and Cale ran to the side. A trio of fireballs exploded out of Selene's hands, blasting at the pursuing Lockwood guards chasing them. They stopped to avoid the fire and the wagon sprinted on.

"I do believe we have escaped!" said Astreth.

Chapter 2: The Tale's Cast

With Lockwood well behind them, they set up camp. Selene walked around, casting spells to ward them of anyone approaching. "Well, in spite of nearly being hung," said Astreth. "I'd say this was a fine venture!"

"Yes indeed!" said Felicia sarcastically. "I always consider nearly being executed a sign of a job well done!"

"You're not doing your job right if people aren't pissed off at you!" said Astreth.

"Except for the small matter of the fact that they took back our pay!" bellowed Knash.

"No pay?" roared Bok. "Bok want pay!"

"Calm down!" said Lynn. "We didn't lose the money! It went into Selene's chest of holding!" Selene, who had finished setting up their protective wards, nodded and produced the chest of holding, showing them the gold they'd been paid to clear out the orc den that had been threatening Lockwood.

"I love magic!" said Astreth as she put the gold away. "And since we still have our pay, I repeat. This was a fine venture!"

"We can never go back to Lockwood," said Jocelyn.

"Who would want to? They clearly cannot appreciate a true ignorant dumbass!" said Jorgun.

"I'm pretty sure they'll never forget this ignorant dumbass!" laughed Lynn as she gestured to Jorgun.

"Indeed they should not!" said Jorgun, causing more laughter.

"Bok not get it. What's funny?" said Bok.

"You don't need to understand Bok!" said Jocelyn.

"Enough of the idle prattle!" said Cale. "Let's get a fire going and some food! I was stuck in that cage for a whole day! I'm going to go hunt!" Cale walked into the woods.

"He's grumpy!" said Knash.

"Being in a cage will do that to you," said Felicia. "Especially one that severs his gifts."

"He's right though. Get a fire going and let's take a bit to unwind without arguing!" said Zar.

Selene waited until they set up a fire pit, then lit the fire with a small flame spell. With that she sat back with her spell book and began reading without a word. Selene was not only a wizard but a silent sister. Her sisterhood were an order of devoted followers Mystra, the goddess of magic and mysteries. When her order graduated to full wizard status, they took vows of silence, never to speak aloud anything save a prayer to Mystra. Selene hadn't heard her voice in anything other than prayer in some time. She traveled the Realms, looking for other wizards to battle against to gain their spells, the sacred art of magic. Selene was very good at it. To the point where she had caused some of her defeated foes to band together and come after her. So she had sought some of her own allies. This group was who she had assembled. Her robes were dark blue and adorned with magic sigils. Underneath she wore a basic tunic and breeches. Selene was emerald green haired with matching eyes under her hood.

Astreth was whistling some tune, flipping his rapier in his right hand while twirling his ostentatious red hat in his left. Astreth was a former noble son of a wealthy house in the country of Amn. Spending his time between his Amnish estates and the city of Baldur's Gate, Astreth had been trained in fencing and the art of sword play. He was death with a rapier and wore the finest clothes, including his often mocked red hat that was actually bladed and enchanted to return to him if he threw it, letting him use it as a boomerang style weapon. Astreth had been exiled from Amn after his family ran afoul of the power merchants order than controlled the country. Astreth needed to build fame, fortune, and allies to return and destroy those that had ruined his family name. He had happily joined Selene's group. Especially since she had saved him from bounty hunters employed by the Amnish merchants.

Jorgun was now completely naked, washing his loincloth in a pot of water. His hand axes lay on the ground beside him. Jorgun was a barbarian from the far eastern plains. He claimed to be a prince and was guided by vision from Tempus, the god of war and battle. Jorgun wished to unify the barbarian tribes of the eastern plains and needed his own fame, fortune, allies, and strength to be unquestioned. Despite his barbarian disdain for magic he had first befriend Cale, then followed as they both joined Selene's growing group. He wore nothing but his loincloth in warmer climates, while putting on natural animal pelts in colder weather.

Lynn was now brushing her long red hair. She wore light leathers and carried no weapon. Because she needed none. Lynn was a warrior monk, a student of several disciplines. With her fists, she could shatter stone with no magical assistance. Her mind and body were her weapons. She had originally been a solitary wanderer but recognized the need to have allies as she honed her skills and looked for work. Her joining Selene had been an easy one. Hair brushing done, she sat down cross legged, closed her almond colored yes and began to meditate.

Jocelyn was plucking on her lute. The tiny blonde woman was so small she was often mistaken for a drawf or a halfing. Jocelyn was fully human and resented those statements. She wore no armor and kept only a lute and a pair of daggers. Jocelyn was a bard, one gifted with the unique magic of song. She could sing as well as any minstrel and use her magic of song to empower her allies or hinder her enemies. Like most bards, she traveled the Realms looking for tales, stories, heroes, and adventurers to turn into songs. Bards immortalized themselves through song and Jocelyn had joined this company eagerly when asked. Somehow she knew she'd write the song of her life while traveling with this bunch of misfits. The kind of song that all bards after her would learn.

Garth had set up his traveling alter to Helm, the god of guardians and vigilance, and was now praying to his god. Garth was a cleric of Helm gifted with divine magic he could call upon to heal or empower his allies, turn the undead, and dispel unholy magic. Garth had heard Helm's calling at a young age and after gaining his blessings and power, he had taken to the road to provide protection to those who needed protecting. This had earned him some enemies he couldn't overcome on his own. But he had found Selene's group and asked for their help, offering his services as a healer in return.

Bok stared at the fire, waiting for Cale to return with dinner. Bok was the child of an orc and a human female that his orc father had raped. Shunned for his orc heritage, he had been chased from his home as a child. Hating orcs above all else, Bok had grown into an orc killer without any real education. Bok was not smart but he was loyal to his friends. The half-orc was usually wore chain mail armor and swung his spiked club with ferocity. Bok had been rescued from orcs looking to kill him by Selene's band. And he had never left. Despite his dull wits preventing him from understanding most of what his friends were saying he stayed with them.

Zar sat cross legged, having taken his hood and face mask off to reveal long hair he kept pulled back and blue eyes. He was laying his gear out before him. Twin slender swords. Twin daggers. All his kunai and shuriken laid out in neat lines. A pouch containing a trio of smoke bombs. Another pouch containing a half dozen little jingling bells he threw to distract people. A blowgun. A pouch containing the blowgun's knockout darts. Seeing all his gear was accounted for, Zar sighed and closed his eyes. Zar was an assassin from the lawless country of Tethyr. Or rather, he used to be. He had left that life behind though few in the group knew why. His past was closely guarded and none save Selene seemed to know it. Nor did Zar talk about it. Zar had been the very first person Selene had recruited. Zar was often the voice of logic and reason in this company of oddballs and goofballs.

Knash was using his dagger to carve up some hunk of wood he'd found. Knash was a once a spy known as Mr. Knife, working for the Simbul, Witch-Queen of Aglarond. Despite the name, the Simbul was actually a force for good. Knash had worked espionage for Aglarond in the other kingdoms and nations that lined the Sea of Fallen Stars. But his spying actions had been exposed and he had been forced to flee for his life, his former employer politically incapable of protecting him without starting open war. Knash had run and run, running right into Selene's band of misfits. Knash was the most recent recruit, with Zar insisting he needed someone else who understood the seedy underbelly of the Realms. Knash certainly knew that and had recognized Zar as an assassin right away. Knash stayed with this group for protection, hoping to clear his name and return home. Knash wore light armor and only used his daggers, of which he had an endless amount do to an enchanted bracer he wore that let him magically create daggers at will to wield or throw at his enemies. Thus his name of Mr. Knife.

Felicia was currently tending her pegasus, which was named Skyfoot. She had been a mercenary for hire, serving in armies as a sword, a bow, or a scout in the past. She wore standard armor. Felicia had actually hired Selene's company to help her free Skyfoot from an evil wizard that Selene also happened to be looking for. After freeing Skyfoot, who immediately bonded with Felicia, Felicia had been offered a spot, which she had accepted, seeing it as a chance to make easy coin. Now she served as one of two archers in the group and was often the group's eyes in the sky.

Cale returned with a boar over his shoulder, already ready to be placed over the fire. Cale was a druid shape shifter armed with a sword and bow. Cale, like Zar, had a mysterious past, saying little beyond his life in nature as a druid. He had spent a long time alone in worship of the wilds to gain his powers. He had encountered Jorgun while clearing goblins from his druid grove, then crossed paths with Selene and Zar while dealing with further goblins. Despite his duridic reluctance for company and being in cities, he had joined the group. He was the other archer besides Felicia, used his shape shifting in battle, scouting, hunting, and keeping the group safe. Getting drunk and wrecking that tavern nonwithstanding, Cale was often on Zar's side of arguments regarding logic and sense.

This is the company.

The company of the Ignorant Dumbass though most within said company groan at the name.

This is their Tale.

Chapter 3: The Merchant Extrodinare

The sun rose on the company's campsite. Some roused themselves with the rising sun, others had to be woken the hard way. Astreth was always among those to awaken last. "I must say," he protested after Knash and Bok had tossed him out of his bedroll. "Must we rise with the sun?"

"Yes!" said several voices in reply.

"I'm on his side this time!" said Jocelyn, who was also always among those who had to be roused the hard way. "We can't sleep in just once?"