The Weight of a Second Mother

I have been married for eleven years. The exact number of years since my husband’s first wife divorced him, left her son and disappeared with her secret lover. Dilip was shattered into pieces back then. Even though we were childhood friends he didn’t show any interest in a second marriage.

Apart from his traumatizing experience from his first marriage, there was another reason for his reluctance in marriage. That’s the love and care for his son, who was seven years old at the time. Dilip was extremely worried about his son being ill-treated by a stepmother.

After a lot of pressure from our parents and the numerous promises I made, he finally agreed to the marriage on one major condition. Even our parents didn’t know about it till now; to respect his wish, I decided not to have a child myself. This left Arun as the only one whom I could call my child, even though he’s not mine by birth.

Before marriage, I never understood why Dilip showed so much concern regarding parenting. But only after marriage did I start to see things. Even the simplest words or actions that come from a stepmother’s side will sound and look cruel, compared to his real mother’s. So I had to handle my words very carefully, even when Dilip was not around and to think twice or thrice before taking any action.

Dilip worked at a private equity firm. He usually came very late and never had an opportunity to spend time with Arun. So he came up with a rule in the house that everyone should be present at breakfast every morning at 7:30 AM, no matter what day it was. Not just physically but mentally.

He made sure to keep us both engaged with some quiz games and dumb dad jokes. We started every day with the same routine for the past 10 years, 365 days each. It became a part of our life, sometimes we even predicted what he would come up with the next day. Everything was fine, our days went well, Dilip was happy, Arun had fun and I loved just being there.

Like all good things, this too didn’t last. Things started to change when Arun hit puberty. We didn’t notice that at first, he was 18, barely a man, came to breakfast like he used to, laughed a lot and went to school. But in the evenings though, I started to notice something unusual. His door stayed shut all the time and he started to come out less often. Sometimes he just stepped down only for dinner, sometimes he came very late and had dinner alone, some days he never came at all.

After noticing this for three consecutive days, it started to worry me. All three days we had dinner at different times, all three days I walked past his closed room, and went to bed. On the fourth day I felt something was wrong. With Dilip not at home in the evenings I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of Arun. So I grabbed some dinner on the plate and walked to his room.

The moment I opened the door, a loud scream, almost as loud as the public speakers, erupted from his room. I immediately closed it, and stood frozen for a second, confused, baffled and shocked. I had seen something I shouldn’t. Arun was lying on his bed with an iPad perched on his chest and his penis in his hand.

When I came back to my senses, I let go of the knob and quickly raced downstairs. Closed doors, skipped dinners, suddenly everything fell into place. What was I thinking? I put down the plate and washed my hands. It’s an accident… It’s an accident… I told myself. He’s a grown man.

I had always seen Arun as a small child, giggling, dancing, and goofing around. I never in my life, until then, expected to see him like that. But the fact was, he was not the same seven-year-old kid anymore. He was eighteen, a grown-up.

I took some deep breaths. I started to worry more when I thought about what I should do next. I tapped my legs nervously, strode here and there. After a long half-hour of thinking, I decided exactly what to do. I ignored it like nothing happened, went upstairs with a straight face, went past his room and went straight to bed.

I thought that was the right thing to do. The weird feeling and guilt I had that night diluted a bit the next morning. I had convinced myself that nothing was wrong and I just had to be a little more careful from then.

I didn’t say anything to Dilip, got up and continued my regular morning routine. But, it was not the same case with Arun. He came late to breakfast that day with his eyes focussed on the floor.

Dilip, who was already in the middle of it made the stupidest joke on Arun’s entrance. There was no reaction, Arun washed his hands and sat down. Dilip, trying to be gentle, told the same joke again. Again, no reaction. He nervously exchanged glances with me and wet his lips before coming up with another joke. When that too didn’t work, he went completely silent like he just got humiliated.

After finishing the breakfast, Arun placed the plate near the sink, washed his hands and walked across the hall. He put his shoes on and left the house without saying goodbye.

“What was that?” Dilip said.

“What,” I said casually like I didn’t see any of that.

“He barely looked up,” Dilip said.

“It was a bad joke, Dilip,” I said.

“Did you say anything?”

I immediately looked up, “why would I-” It suddenly felt like he knew what happened. “you are overthinking.”

“There’s definitely something wrong.”

I shook my head, “Don’t think too much. He’s an adult and he can handle himself.”

From the look Dilip gave, I could tell he wasn’t fully convinced and even suspicious.

That night Arun came to dinner on time. He kept his head down and didn’t speak a word. Neither did I until the last minute.

“Arun,” I said softly. “You okay, dear?”

“Hmm,” he broke his silence for the first time that day and reacted like he just realised I was there. “Yes,” he said as he got up to leave.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” I said. “I will make sure to knock here after.”

He nodded, “it’s okay.” And then he just left.

I personally thought I did well. I treated him like an adult, I didn’t judge him, I didn’t confront. I expected it to become normal. But the next day, it only got worse.

“Good morning,” Dilip said when he noticed Arun coming down the stairs.

“Good morning,” Arun said and behaved exactly the same way as the day before.

Dilip took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak when I caught his hand and stopped him from starting a confrontation. He turned to me in annoyance and raised his eyebrow.

I shook my head and brushed his arm. Even though he didn’t understand what I was trying to imply, he restrained himself and stayed quiet. And when Arun left he immediately burst out.

“What’s wrong with you,” he shouted.

“What’s wrong with you,” I said.

“I just want to talk, know what worries him,” he said.

“He’s an adult, Dilip. Give him the space. He will tell you if it’s worth telling you.”

He sighed in disappointment.

“Confronting him like this will only end up in a fight and hatred.”

“I’m wondering what you did to him,” Dilip attacked me.

“What,” I said. “What did you just say?”

He realised what he said. “You talk like you are the expert in raising a child now,” Dilip said mockingly, desperately trying to ease the tension.

But it did nothing to replace what he said before. I just stayed quiet and tried to have my breakfast.

“Alright, I will talk to him politely in a friendly manner. Would that work?”

“I have never seen you talking to him that way,” I said without turning towards him.

“I-”

“Let me talk to him,” I said. “I spend more time with him than you do, besides, it’s better to talk to him after school.”

Dilip hesitated for a moment and then he finally agreed, “you are right.”

I didn’t really want to do it. But Dilip knowing what Arun did behind closed doors must be the last thing anyone in the house wanted.

That night when I came home I walked directly to Arun’s room. I knocked on the door twice, “can I come in?”

There was a long silence. “Why?”

I clenched my jaw, “we need to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk,” he said.

At least we had a mutual feeling there. “Me neither, but we don’t have a choice." I gave him a moment to think, “can I come in?”

He finally came over, pulled the lock and opened the door himself.

I ignored the double barrier he had and walked in, pulled the chair near his bed and sat for a talk.

He stood near the door for a while, then walked in and sat on the mattress before me.

“How are you feeling,” I said.

“Good,” he said.

“How are the studies?”

“Good,” he said again.

He was still thinking about it. “Did you do it today,” I said.

“No,” he said immediately, looking up. “Absolutely not.”

I smiled involuntarily and controlled myself, “Sorry.”

His face reddened as he looked down, embarrassed.

“You know it’s completely normal right?”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“You don’t have to be,” I said. “Everyone does it, and it's okay.”

He wasn’t convinced. I could tell.

I sighed. “Alright, go ahead.”

He got down from the bed and walked to the door.

“Where are you going,” I said.

He behaved like he just woke up and looked around confused.

“Get back here,” I said.

I should have just talked. I should have just said I was not judging and let him take his time to settle and get comfortable. That was the right thing to do. But the problem was not Arun. It was Dilip. He had already started to suspect me and was more than ready to put the blame on me.

I still remember the last time Arun got upset, Dilip treated me like The Evil Queen from Snow White and didn’t talk to me for days. If Arun acted the same tomorrow, that’s exactly what would happen.

Arun stood in front of me, still embarrassed to look at my eyes.

“Get on the bed and do it,” I said.

His eyes popped out, he blinked, completely baffled, “huhh?”

I sighed. “Look, Arun, I’m going to be honest with you. We can either deal with this ourselves or we need to take this to your father. If that’s what you want, I’m more than happy to do it.”

His eyes widened. He started to realise the stakes. He nervously put his hands on the bed without turning and climbed above.

I remembered the day before he also had a tissue box near him. I looked around and found it on the table. I sat back on the chair with the box in hand, “go ahead.”

He put a hand in front to hide as he took his penis out and slowly rubbed it.

“Is that how you do it,” I said.

He sighed and reluctantly revealed his penis while closing his eyes and keeping his face sad. Even though he looked extremely uncomfortable at first, he soon started to get relaxed and started to moan loudly. He just ignored me completely and went to his own world and started jerking off like a wild bear.

He was almost there when I pulled a bunch of tissues and caught his fluid before he could shoot them in the air. He released them like blowing bubbles from a gun, multiple times, filling the tissues with cum and laid back like he just ran a hundred miles.

I left the tissues in his hand and subconsciously licked a small residue that got on my finger. I immediately realised the blunder when our eyes met. I quickly restrained myself and got up as he kept blinking.

"Take a shower,” I said and strode out of his room.

It was wrong, no doubt about that. But it didn’t come out of lust but of a natural instinct. Even though I ignored it and went to bed, I couldn’t get to sleep easily. There were many reasons for that, on one side the guilt and the thought of whether I had pushed Arun too hard. On the other side I felt something brewing inside me. No, I was not attracted to my stepson. But watching someone masturbate had turned me on. My body wanted the same. I slowly started touching myself. It felt different, since I hadn’t done it in a long time, but it also felt good, especially when I was doing it secretly. I felt like a naughty teenage girl again.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t complete what I started. I quickly removed my hand, put the blanket over my head and closed my eyes tight when I heard Dilip’s footsteps.

I heard the door open when he came in. Part of me wanted to sit up and initiate intercourse. But the other part was worried that he would ask how it went and doubt why I was suddenly so wet. So, I pressed my thighs together under the blanket and went to sleep that night.

The next morning when I woke up, I continued to feel wet. I noticed Dilip was not beside me, I heard playful cheers and laughter from father and son. I had missed my alarm. I put aside my ache and went downstairs where I found father and son making breakfast together.

It worked. Dilip and Arun were laughing and playing in the kitchen. The fact that it worked made me feel smart and proud. Now Dilip had nothing to accuse me of. Arun had privacy. Everyone got what they deserved. I happily enjoyed the breakfast they prepared and watched them both making jokes and having fun.

“Looks like the talk worked,” Dilip teased me after Arun left.

“Who’s the expert now,” I shrugged.

“You are,” Dilip leaned forward smiling, and gave me a kiss before he left for work. But unfortunately it wasn’t enough to quench my thirst. I spent the entire day at the office waiting to get back home. By the time I reached home, I had everything planned.

I put the bag in the hall and hurried to my room. I only stopped once, when I passed Arun’s room. The door was open with a brief gap, he was on his bed with the ipad openly masturbating. Our eyes met. I quickly turned and walked to my room.

Did I go too far, I thought as I changed my clothes. But I didn’t have time to think about him and I had already convinced myself he’s an adult. I pulled the stool from under the bed and put it against the cupboard I climbed up and extracted an old cardboard box. I placed it on the bed and opened it. I again felt like a teenager as I went through all my old stuff and found a Groove Vibrator. Funny that I prayed before switching it on to check the battery. To my luck, it worked even after so many years of being idle. The sound of the motor alone took me back to the good old days. I immediately lay down on the bed, put the vibrator in and closed my eyes.

I remembered my college hostel room, using the same machine for the first time, under the blanket. I felt so relaxed after a long time. I realized I had a big smile on my face when I started to feel the waves pass through me. I bit my lips and stretched in my bed as I took the orgasm with a thin moan. I slapped my hand over my face and shook like a fish out of water. I felt silly and embarrassed at the same time when it was done.

I would have done it all over again if I had a chance. But unfortunately those days are gone. I pulled the box and dug further searching for an alternative. Even though my body desperately ached for it, I was pretty unsure when I picked the ben wa balls. I tucked my hair behind my ears and slowly inserted the balls one after the other.

I went through the box again, there were butt plugs, an old g-spot simulator, and more. I took a 5 inch dildo and hid it under my pillow for night fun.

I put the box under the bed and got to my feet. I put on my clothes, washed my face and confidently walked downstairs. The crazy teenage girl energy, the endless lust, and the feminine confidence, all came to an end when I found Arun on the couch, bottomless with porn screaming from all the speakers.

I realised at that moment that I had gone too far. I was completely blank as I walked past him into the kitchen. I pulled the cutting board and started cutting vegetables for dinner. More than the fear of how Dilip would react, an anger started to rise against Arun as the porn got louder and louder. The knife started to hit the board harder with each stroke.

At one point of time, I dropped the knife and stormed back to the hall. I snatched the remote from the table and muted the TV expecting to get his attention.

But all I got was his moaning. He was jerking right in front of me like I never existed.

He started grunting and screaming. I could hear his wet skin beating against itself. He finally burst into a fountain, spraying thick hot cum all over the place like a shower. He woke up from his delusion with a blink. He met my eyes and realised I was standing there.

Without a single hesitation, I picked the tissue box and threw it towards him. The box got his shoulder and burst into tissues. He jumped off the table in shock, even more terrified. He quickly grabbed the tissues and started cleaning the couch and the floor. It took only a few seconds for him to realise it wasn’t helping. When he did, he gathered all the tissues and bolted to his room bare-assed.

“I don’t want to see your ass on my couch ever again,” I screamed. “Do you fucking understand?”

I took some deep breaths and walked to the bathroom. I grabbed a bucket of water and mopped the entire floor. I skipped dinner that day and went back to my room. I removed the ben wa balls, took the dildo and put them back into the box. Taped it close and put it into the cupboard. My mood was completely lost by then.

The next day, I knew things were going to be different. Everything went back to ruins. Dilip as usual made some stupid jokes and expected everyone to go crazy. Neither Arun nor I reacted to him the entire breakfast. After the third attempt even Dilip himself couldn’t laugh at his own jokes.

After Arun left, Dilip turned to me with a smile, “think he needs another talk?”

“I’m not gonna do that,” I said as I shook my head.

“Why not? You are the expert.”

“Well it looks like I’m not,” I said.

Dilip just stared at me, “what did he do?”

“Never mind,” I said and shook my head.

“I will try to come home early tonight,” Dilip said. “I will talk to him.”

I could have just let him with that, let father and son deal with it. But I realised I had a major part of it. It was me who started it. It was me who took it too far and it was me who brought it here. Even if it turns against Arun, it was me to blame.

“No,” I said.

“What?”

“That’s not a good idea,” I said.

“Someone needs to talk to him. We are the only ones who are there for him.”

I cursed under my breath, “alright. I will talk to him.”

Dilip sighed, “at least tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing serious, I said I will talk to him.”

He shook his head, “talk to him, if it doesn't work, let me look into it.”

“No,” I said firmly. “It won’t be necessary, I promise.”

Dilip smiled slightly, got up and kissed my forehead.

I realised he had started trusting me. After all these years, he finally stopped seeing me as an outsider, I wanted to fix it. I desperately wanted to be respected and appreciated. But now it was all in Arun’s filthy hands.

That day I came home early. I quickly changed my clothes and walked to his room. When I knocked on the door, all I heard was a scream.

“What do you want,” he said from inside.

I took a deep breath, “I just want to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to,” he hit back.

“Just open the door, young man.”

“Go away,” he screamed.

I was losing my patience even though I didn’t want to. I didn't want to mess up again.

“Alright,” I said. “Dilip has been asking what’s going on. I will let him know what you do in your room and what you did in the hall.”

I heard bonking on the floor as he rushed towards the door and snatched it open.

“Move," I said with a flat face.

He stepped back.

I walked to the chair and sat in the same place, He nervously walked forward and climbed the bed.

“I’m sorry for what happened yesterday,” I said calmly. ”I’m just trying to be a good mother for you.”

“But, you are not my mother.”

I cringed so hard that it took a moment for me to speak again. “I’m not. But, do you think your mother would have treated this the same way?”