Thorn

Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

~

I let the brush clang down into the sink, a furious snarl forcing its way out of my mouth.

Fuck.

I made an effort to straighten my hair with my twitchy fingers. The burst of shame, knowing that my colleagues had probably heard me, grounded me. My ears rang with anticipation through the silence.

I heard the knock on the door I was expecting and wiped my face free of tears. I knew I shouldn't have put on this stupid mascara.Fuck!

"Holly," I heard from the other side of the door. "Everything alright?"

Clearly not, you stupid fucking... Jesus, calm down, Holly.

I injected a certain tone in my voice as I responded, almost like I was slightly embarrassed but a bit giggly. "Oh, I'm fine, Faith! I just... I'm so stupid, I knocked my toe on the doorstop. It's been really painful, since the surgery, you know..."

Completely improvised. Wow. Just the right bit of guilt, and they'd leave me alone for the rest of the day.

"Oh, right... I'm so sorry."

"No problem. I'll be right out."

I heard Faith's high heels clacking on the cheap floor as she walked back to her cubicle.

I took a deep breath, staring at myself. A thousand women had probably done the same before me, in this very bathroom. A thousand pairs of eyes, roving over every anomaly, every bump that could indicate a future pimple, the faintest of smile lines, fissures through the mask. I just sighed. Concealer couldn't hide all of my dark circles. Tomorrow, I reminded myself. I'd finally see that fucking doctor about a sleeping pill prescription.

Exhaustion flooded my body, replacing the adrenaline and humiliation of my earlier, very public emotional outburst. I blinked. Fuck my hair. Fuck everything. Just...

I exited the office bathroom. I didn't have the energy to care about appearances anymore. I'd just... get through the day.

As I sat at my desk, rolling the computer chair forward with my feet, I shot a glance at the picture on my desk. Cliché, I know, but I did not give a shit about that.

James and Eric, laughing together. James had scribbled a year in the bottom right corner in black permanent marker. 2009.

Six-year old Eric had the widest grin on his face, amused by his father's antics in the pool.

Despite everything, there was still him. The only thing left. If he was still there at the end of my work day, then I could keep going.

Quick glance at the computer. Four thirty. Only a half-hour left. Then dinner, and dishes, and laundry, of course. The very thought almost made me faint. The rest of my evening didn't have to suck, though. I'd sit down with Eric to watch a movie. That would be nice.

As soon as I finally braced myself and started typing, I was interrupted by the rattle of knuckles on the wall of my cubicle.

"Yeah?" I said, looking up.

"Hey. Do you have anything important going on?" Reuben asked me.

Reuben was... technically my superior, and he did love his technicalities. He comfortably walked a very thin line between strict-elderly-librarian and barely-repressed-fashionable-gay-man. I didn't particularly like him, but I had to admit he was very quick-witted. I respected it.

"...What do you mean?"

"Angela left early, she says she's been feeling off. I know you're familiar with her stuff, so do you think you could just finish up what she was working on?"

I sighed. Reuben looked down at me over his round glasses, waiting for an answer.

"I... I don't think so. My son will be home from school soon, and I wanna be there in time to make him dinner..."

"I'm sure you can do this quickly," Reuben used the uncertainty in my tone to insert himself. "Thank you again for accepting!"

He smiled tightly and walked away.

I stayed sitting there, blinking. As I sighed and opened Angela's files, I idly wondered if anyone would miss the building if I set it on fire.

♾️

I deployed my umbrella as I got out of the car. I watched the fabric of it tear as the wind blew it open too fast for it to resist.

"Shit! Fuck!"

I ran into the house as quickly as I could, soaked by the freezing autumnal downpour. As I closed the door behind me, I angrily threw the ruined umbrella in the general direction of the garbage can.

I took a second to breathe. I was home. Atsix thirty.

Emotional as I was, exhausted by work, the rain and the fact that James had been dead for six years today, it took me a few seconds to notice the lights were off. Hadn't Eric come home?

"Eric?" I called out. "I'm sorry I'm late..."

I took off my coat and my boots, worried by the lack of response.

"Eric, honey?"

No panicking. Not today. I looked at the shoe rack and spotted my son's sneakers. He was home, then.

Wiping my face free of cold droplets running from my soaked hair, I quietly walked up to Eric's room.

I knocked softly.

"Can I come in?"

"It's okay. I already ate."

"What... what did you eat?"

"Pasta."

"...Okay. Um... I'm sorry I wasn't here to cook something. Angela was gone because she... yeah. Whatever. You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Eric had not inherited his mother's acting talents.

I opened his door and found him lying in his bed, on his belly. One side of his face was hidden by his pillow, but I could see a glimpse of darkness on his skin.

"Hey," I said, suddenly alarmed. "What happened to you?"

His face screwed up with tears he'd been trying to keep at bay. As he accepted my offer of a hug, I saw the black eye and the red marks on his cheek.

"Oh, honey, what happened?!"

Eric only cried silently.

"You can tell me anything. Anything. Please, let me help you."

"You can't do anything," he choked. "It's this fucking guy at school... he's been treating me like shit. He's a fucking asshole. Today I tried to stand up to him, and he hit me."

I was horrified, at first, and then a wave of anger swept over me.

"Wha... did you tell the teachers?"

"That would just ruin things even more, mom. I can't rat him off like that."

"There must be something someone can do! This is... oh, honey..."

"It's okay, mom. I'll just... try to keep a low profile."

"Fuck that!"

Eric seemed surprised by my swearing, enough that his crying quieted down.

"I'll find a way," I told him. "I'll... speak to his parents, I'll do anything."

"No, mom, you already have so much on your plate... I can do this on my own."

"I know you can, sweetie. I have had enough with fuckers thinking they can push our family around. Don't worry. I'll handle it. Just give me his name. "

He nodded against my shoulder, softly, and told me his bully's name.

"Alright. Now, what about... a movie?" I suggested. "That could take your mind off things."

He snorted out a chuckle. "Sure, mom."

"Alright. Go downstairs, get settled, and I'll get you some ice for your eye."

My maternal, reassuring smile dropped from my face as soon as Eric left the room. Whoever was harassing him at school would never see me coming. If I had to kill the fucker, I would.

♾️

Thursday, October 11th, 2022

~

I tried my best not to look suspicious.

This... yeah. This had to be the kids in Eric's grade. High school students milled around me, and I intercepted a girl with braids as she used her locker.

"Excuse me, do you know who Aaron Adamik is?"

The girl scoffed. "What do you want with him?"

I was a bit put aback by her nonchalant attitude.

"I just want to talk to him."

The girl waved over at her friend, who approached. "Can you go tell Aaron someone wants to talk to him? Also tell him I'm proud of him. MILFs? I knew he had it in him."

"Excuse me?!" I said, cheeks flushing red.

"Relax! I'm kidding. You're notthatold-looking. I gotta get to class."

I pondered as she walked away. Who the hell had raised these fucking kids?!

I waited impatiently by the lockers, staring at the people around me for any sign of my son's bully.

As it turned out, I heard him before I even saw him.

He was laughing loudly, to a joke one of his friends had made. When he came into view, escorted by the earlier girl's friend, I knew. He had to be the guy.

The first thing I noticed was his shit-eating smirk. His backpack hung loosely by one of his shoulders, over a white t-shirt with black sleeve cuffs. This was a guy who didn't mind being called cocky.

Aaron Adamik was fairly tall, with dark, almost black curly hair, shorn short on the sides of his head but longer on top. His eyes, a striking mix of green and gray, met mine as he walked in my direction.

Against my will, I noticed some other qualities of his. His shoulders were large, his waist slim. The muscles of the arm holding his backpack strap bulged against the sleeve of his t-shirt.

I was only put off for half a second. He stopped in front of me, surrounded by guys in varsity jackets and rich-looking polo shirts.

"Who are you?" he asked, his brow furrowing. He still had a hint of that smirk on his face, like that was his default expression. The faintest hints of facial hair traced his chin and upper lip.

"I'm someone you don't know yet. We need to speak in private."

Aaron's friends ooh'ed him, teasing him and clapping his shoulders. I set my jaw, blushing lightly, frustrated at the childishness of the boys' behavior.

"Alright, alright," Aaron said, "I'll see you guys later. Yeah, we'll join up at Timmy's. Yeah, bye."

I crossed my arms, uncomfortable and a bit insecure about what I was doing.

What the hell am I doing here...

"So? What's up?" Aaron asked once we were alone in the locker hallways.

The memory of Eric's bruised face brought venom back to my expression.

"You don't know me, but you know my son."

He looked around, puzzled, his smirk widening a bit.

"Okay...?"

"I don't know who you think you are. You think you can push other kids around, hit them?"

His face lit up with understanding.

"Ohh. You're that kid's mom. Eric, right?"

"You know his name." I tried as hard as I could to be intimidating, but he was a good foot taller than me.

Helaughed. Not a chuckle, not a scoff. The little fucker laughed at me.

"Figured he'd send his mommy to save him."

"Listen to me carefully," I snarled. "Even 6-year old children know how to be nice and respectful to others. I don't what kind of fucking household you grew up in..."

"Ooh, she's feisty," he interrupted me, his shit-eating grin widening. "If your son was a little more like you, he'd be alright."

I stumbled on my sentence, stunned.

"You little shit," I hissed. "You're going to be mature and you're going to leave my son alone. Hitting him? Really?"

Aaron crossed his arms. I couldn't help but notice the muscle definition of his forearms.

"Listen, Miss Eric's mom, I'm trying to teach your son a lesson. He talked back to me yesterday. Bad idea, especially in front of my friends."

"A bad idea to defend himself from a creature like you?!"

"Defend himself is a strong word," Aaron smirked. "Eric's a wimp. I'm younger than him but I'm more of a man than him. He's nothing. Always alone, in the corner. I'm trying to teach him a lesson. Either he knows his place and I keep making him miserable, which I don't give a fuck about. Honestly, I like doing it. It's funny as fuck. His other choice is to stand up to himself, do something with his life. In that case, I'm really just doing him a favor..."

I stabbed my finger on his chest in an angry movement. He reacted by raising his hands and smiling.What a fucking waste of a human.

"I fucking hate kids like you," I said, punctuating my sentences with more finge stabs. "You don't know shit about life. You think because you're the big boss at school, that makes you more important, more powerful. The truth is, you're nothing. I didn't waste my lunch hour to listen to you insult my son. You're gonna start treating him with respect, or there will be consequences."

I was shaking with anger by the time I was finished speaking. I took a second to breathe and took my finger off his chest. I felt a flush of shame as I realized how muscular it had seemed as I tapped it.

Aaron licked his teeth under his upper lip, absorbing what I'd said. He then returned to his unbearable corner smirk.

"Okay."

I blinked. "Okay?"

"If that's what you want, Mrs..."

"Mrs. Fisher."

He smiled wider.

"Sure, Mrs. Fisher. I'll leave your son alone.Ifyou ask nicely."

"Don't play games with me," I warned him.

He raised his hands. "Just say please. That's all I'm asking. I'll show your son respect and be mature if you do the same with me."

I almost retorted, but bit my tongue.Keep it down, Holly. Eric being okay is more important than smacking this fucker's smile off his face.

"Please, leave my son alone."

He licked his lips and nodded.

"Thank you," I said, even though I wanted to murder him on the spot.

"No problem, honey," he winked at me before turning his back on me and walking away. I found myself staring at him until he disappeared through the door to the yard.

I sighed. I couldn't help but be disappointed with myself. He'd manipulated me into saying please. He had given me an order, and I had obeyed.

Shut up, Holly. At least Eric is safe now. That's all that matters. Your power games can wait.

I couldn't believe people like him actually existed. I thought those guys only existed to play the villains in teen movies.

Eric and I had been through some really tough times and that had forged us into good, empathetic people. That Aaron kid was an emotionally stunted spoiled brat who had probably never been through any hardship. If he hurt Eric again, that would have to change. He would regret being born. I swore it to myself as I walked back to work.

♾️

I crashed down into bed the moment I shut my bedroom door. My brain was still pulsing with fuckinguselessinformation. Numbers, data, mistakes I'd have to correct. The attitude of my colleagues.

I hated that fucking job. I just wasn't sure I would find anything else that could pay me that much from the start. For Eric's sake, I couldn't risk it.

Sleep came fast using my new sleeping pills, my exhausted body delivering itself to a heavy slumber.

The dreams refused to wash away as I woke up, the next morning. Maybe side effects from the meds.

James' red hair glowing in the sunlight. My hands on his shoulders, applying sun screen on his delicate skin. His smirk when he beat me for the eleventh time at chess, and I got angry and he held me close, and... and then it got more blurry. Monkey bars at night. Me slipping and falling much more than expected. Sweat, moaning, and lips on my shoulders, then the clock of my grandma's guest room ticking, ticking, ticking until I fell through the floor, engulfed in darkness, waking up with a jolt, moisture on my cheeks.

♾️

Friday, October 14th, 2022

Was this the fourteenth? No, thefifteenthtime I yawned in the span of a half-hour. The assignments were boring, conversations with colleagues were boring, the fucking view through the office windows was boring.

18.76 dollard...

I blinked and corrected my typo.

Dollard.

Dollard.

Damn it. Jesus fuck!

I had to get out of my damn head. What was I doing?

D o l l a r s.

There. I scrolled down the spreadsheet, seeing how much information still needed to be transcribed, and yawned again.

Sixteen yawns now.

Gradually, aneedto get away settled inside me. I could hear Faith in the cubicle next to mine, giggling proudly about her son's wonderful achievements. Oh, how incredible was little Jude, with his straight A's and his school play auditions!

Would that be how Aaron Adamik's mother would talk about her son? Or was she just as much of an asshole as him?

I rubbed at my eyes.Enough.

I got up and started making my way to the employees' bathroom, which had become my regular escape from my daily struggles.

I felt the looks of my coworkers trailing me. What was wrong with me, that I couldn't just be satisfied with my life? Why did I needmore, always more?

Then again... Faith's husband hadn't died. I doubted little Jude was being bullied at school, and Faith seemed to have no problem making the most asinine of friendships with her colleagues.

Well, maybe the last part was me being cynical. The first two points were true, though.

As I entered the break room, closing the door behind me, I was greeted with the familiar sight of the floor-to-ceiling mirror. Just yesterday, I had stood there, mascara running down my eyes. Today, though, the perspective was a bit different. My exhaustion was visible through the layers of foundation and concealer I had applied in the morning, eye bags peeking through and betraying my state of mind.

Were the sleeping pills bad? Was that it? No. At least now, I was actually sleeping. I knew the answer, but swallowing the truth was hard on my ego.

I was lonely.

The image of myself, reflected back to me, started shifting. The eyebags disappeared, gradually. My hair pulled itself back into the half-bun I'd rocked so much when I was younger. I lost a bit of weight, got slim, even.

There. That was me, the me I felt was still inside, somehow, banging on the bars of her cage. 18-year-old me, freshly out of high school. Before my rebellious streak had been extinguished by time and the need to be a responsible adult.

It struck me like a lightning bolt that when I was that age, Aaron Adamik was exactly the kind of boy I would've fallen for.

Taken by a sudden wave of disgust for myself and my taste in men, I wiped the mirage of younger-me off of my eyes. Thank God I had chosen someone like James.

That smirking girl with the messy bun wasn't me anymore. I was mature... I was responsible... I was kind...

All values that James and I had transmitted to our son.

And where did that lead him? Where had that ledme?

I breathed, deeply, forcing myself to really take the air in, filling my lungs, then pushing it out. It didn't have to be like this. Life could be something other than miserable, and the only person who had any power in that was myself.

Today was Friday. Friday carried the fresh breeze of the weekend, a taste of freedom. I could choose to cherish these moments, spend them with people I loved or with myself.

I would find a moment to prioritize my loved ones. If not Kathryn, who was the busiest person I'd ever met, then my son. What would Eric like? Shopping, maybe?

Shopping could be fun. I could buy him clothes he liked, do something with the money I earned in this godforsaken office.

Motivated and energized by my newfound decision to take control of my own happiness, I smoothened my blouse and left the kitchen.

Almost immediately, Reuben interrupted me while I was walking back to my office.

"Hey, Holly, if you, uh... ever need to talk or take a break, you can always talk to me, right?"

Ugh. The dread came crashing back.

I gave Reuben what I hoped was a semblance of a cheeky smile.

"Don't you worry about it, boss."

He blushed slightly. "You know I'm not just your superior. I care about you, not just as a colleague, but as a person."

That gave me slight pause. Reuben had never been this open with me. He usually bristled when I called him 'boss'.

"Are... you okay, Reuben?"

He adjusted the collar of the white button-up he wore under a tweed blazer nervously. "Angela, uh... she kinda got on my case. For making your life harder on the... the anniversary of your..."

"Oh." I blinked, stunned. "Yeah. No, don't worry about it."

"But I do. I wanted to apologize for my insensitivity."

"Apologies accepted. Really, don't make a big deal out of this."