Conquered

All characters in this story are 18 or older. In addition, this story contains themes and descriptions of nonconsensual acts. Reader discretion is advised.

Kabb's homecoming party was shaping up to be the social event of the season for the Bay Area Evangelical Christian community. It was going to be a black tie event; Grayson must have spent a fortune on the venue alone. I was an active member of their congregation, so of course I was planning on attending. Grayson told me he would close the office early and we'd get ready together the Friday of the party and go straight there, since it didn't make sense to drive all the way to the Nash Residence and then back to San Francisco during rush hour.

In the weeks leading up to the party, I spent a lot of time at Grayson's house. Kabb was around a lot, but I felt like I barely knew him. He didn't talk to me much, but every now and then he'd catch me looking at him and he'd give me this cunning, arrogant smile. I have to admit, I was crushing on him pretty hard.

One day he asked me about my workout at the gym, so I told him the exercises I'd done and the machines I'd used. I thought we could talk about the gym -- it was something we had in common, but he just stood there, immovable. Then I mentioned the kettlebells I'd seen him working out with and said I wanted to know more about them, and he snickered, shook his head, and walked away from me. It was like he was this untouchable gym god and I was an unworthy newby.

Finally, I was alone with him one day and worked up the courage to ask him what was up. "It just seems like you don't like me," I said.

He didn't speak for a moment. It was a bit of an awkward pause for me, but he showed absolutely no sign of being uncomfortable at all. Like his dad, he was always in control of every situation and always so cool, calm, and collected.

"I don't dislike you," he replied, neither happily nor angrily. He just blurted it out as a simple fact, as if he didn't care in the slightest whether his behavior offended me or not.

"Are you sure? Maybe you're upset about the..." I trailed off. Kabb blinked, as if waiting for me to finish. "You know."

"What?" he asked, looking me straight in the eye.

I blushed.Is he seriously going to make me say this out loud?

"It's just, when you told me about your webcam, I thought the reason you told me was because you wanted me to know that... you'd seen me that night two years ago -- when your dad let me sleep in your room that one time."And I smelled your boxers and jerked off in your fleshlight.

"Yeah," said Kabb. "I saw you."

Another awkward silence followed.

Kabb was sitting there wearing short shorts and one of those sleeveless tank tops that guys wear to the gym. It made his arms look absolutely divine. He was manspreading; the way he felt so comfortable taking up space just drew me in.

Damn it. This is so awkward. Is that all he's going to say? Is that what I have to reply to? I'd be falling all over myself to forgive someone if I were him, but he's comfortable with the uncomfortable silences; he knows he has nothing to be ashamed of and I'm the one who is powerless in this situation.

"So, I just wanted to apologize for that night," I finally said.

"Why?" Kabb asked.

"Why am I apologizing? Don't you know?"Why is he acting like he doesn't know what I'm talking about? Why is he forcing me to humiliate myself again by saying out loud what I did?

"Nathaniel," he said, "we're adults. Apologize or don't, but stop wasting my time. This isn't some cute game." Incredibly, he still didn't look at all annoyed. His dominance was so absolute that it was clear I was on his time; he wasn't on mine.

Why is he taking this so damn seriously?

"OK," I said. "Kabb, I'm sorry for smelling your underwear that night, and I'm sorry I masturbated into your fleshlight." The words came out of my mouth extra quickly, but at least they were out there.

Another awkward pause followed.

"So... do you accept my apology? Are we cool?"

Kabb looked at me straight in the eye, like eye contact was a weapon. He still seemed eerily emotionless. "No, man. We're not cool."

I wanted to cry. "You said you didn't hate me, but it sure seems like you do. I said I was sorry and you're making me feel like crap." I figured my only hope was to make myself pitiable.

"Nathaniel, stop playing the victim. You don't see how predatory and messed up what you did was?"

"Predatory? Aren't you exaggerating, Kabb? I'm not saying it was right, but you're a big, strong guy and I'm not. How am I a threat to you?"

"Imagine if I had gone into some woman's bedroom and smelled her underwear and used her sex toys to pleasure myself," he said, sounding so disgusted. "I'd be in jail. You're honestly lucky that I didn't come home from college the next morning to confront you, because I kind of wanted to. Do you make a habit of doing stuff like that?"

"I used to," I admitted, "but it was before my baptism. I've honestly... really changed, and become more intentional with my actions."

"I hope so," he said, and let it hang there in yet more silence.

"Do you forgive me?" I finally asked again.

"I want to know why you did it," he said, still not breaking eye contact with me. Kabb was intense! I wanted to melt under his gaze.

"I... I was just... so attracted to you. And I couldn't help myself."

He looked kinda disgusted... but also kind of fascinated in spite of himself. "If you couldn't help yourself then, what makes it so you can help yourself now? You're sitting across from me. You must want to touch me. How do you stop yourself?"

Jesus.

"When I have those urges," I replied, "I take them to the Lord. I repent instead of acting on them."

"Do you really?"

"Why... why do you care so much, Kabb?"

"I wasn't going to say anything, Nathaniel. You asked, so the nice thing for me to do is tell you that there are guys I know who would have beat you up if they'd seen you doing that. You say you've changed, but it kinda sounds like you're only saying that because you like being around here -- because you like being around me, and you like being around my dad."

"Jesus, Kabb. I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but, with all due respect, your perspective seems... kind of homophobic to me."

"Stop that. Stop turning yourself into the victim.Youacted out.Youtook advantage of being in my room to violate my privacy when you thought I couldn't see you.Youacted like a predator. This has nothing to do with homophobia. I'm sure there are plenty of gay guys who can control themselves in that situation. It's not because you're gay. There's something about you that just... disregards whether or not people consent to your interest."

Does he know? Did Krell tell him what I did to Grayson? Why is he acting like I have a pattern of violating consent, unless he knows about Grayson?

"Kabb, I'm honestly just... I don't know, surprised, I guess. I don't know where this is coming from. I've never had someone react like this before." I was so used to being irresistible candy to straight guys. To find one that was so disturbed by my behavior, so put off by my actions... well... I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of intoxicating. I wanted to win him over so badly, and his defiant attitude was only making me want him even more. I wanted to find that spot deep down inside of him that was turned on by what I'd done, and I wanted to exploit it.

Maybe he's right. I find someone who can't stand me, and that only turns me on. I do have a pattern of disregarding consent. I haven't changed at all. I can dress it up and try to hide it as much as I want, but I'm still the same person I always was.

"You've never had someone react like this before?" Kabb asked, sounding both incredulous and judgmental as he repeated my words back to me. "So this isn't the first time, and it sounds like it's not going to be the last."

"Do you... know?" I finally asked. I was convinced that he knew about what I did to Grayson. I was less sure how he'd found out, but my first guess was that Krell had told him.

"Do I know what?"

"There was another incident in my past where I... wanted a straight guy and I did something I shouldn't have done because I wanted him so badly. It's just... you seem to know me so well after just meeting me, it's almost like you know about my past."

"I didn't bother siccing a P.I. on you or anything, Nathaniel, but it doesn't surprise me."

"Why are you judging me so much, Kabb? Don't act like you haven't sinned. We're all sinners. What's important is trying to change -- trying to repent. You're a good looking guy -- a Division 1 college football player. Don't tell me there's no sexual sin in your life. At the very least, you had a fleshlight, and masturbation is against our religion -- and you had to have had a girlfriend in college you were sexually active with."

"I'm a virgin, Nathaniel," he said, with no trace of fear, regret, or shame.

"Well, I am, too -- well, I'm a reborn virgin since my baptism. I haven't had sex in two years -- and unlike you, I'm looking at the rest of my life with no sex. You'll get married to a woman and have as much sex as you want. I can't, because the Lord doesn't approve of same-sex relationships, so I'm condemned to a lifetime of celibacy."

"There's that victim act again. Celibacy is your choice, Nathaniel, and it's a respectable choice. Are you wavering in it? Is that why you're always here? Are you in love with me or something? Or are you in love with my dad? Are you trying to trick us into breaking our covenants with you? I'm straight, and so is my dad. Neither one of us is going to make your homosexual fantasies come true."

"I'm not trying to make you do that."

"Good," he said. "Did you tell Pastor Snyder about what you did?"

"He knows about what I did to the other guy... but not about what I did to you."

"Well, I think you should confess. If you're really serious about changing, part of repentance is coming to terms with your past sins. Talk to me when you've confessed. Otherwise, I don't believe that you're serious about changing."

"But Kabb, if I tell him, I'll have to tell him about your fleshlight. Are you sure you want me to do that?"

"I've already told him about the fleshlight, and I've repented for that. Nathaniel, I'm not a hypocrite. I wouldn't ask you to do work that I'm not prepared to do myself."

I had to respect Kabb for that, so that Sunday, I made an appointment to speak to Pastor Snyder. I'd already confessed to him about my dalliance with Grayson, but I hadn't mentioned to him the incident with Kabb's fleshlight. So strong was my need for Kabb to like me that it was a price I was willing to pay.

I told him everything: about how I'd masturbated while smelling Kabb's underwear, and about how I'd jerked off with Kabb's fleshlight, getting so turned on by knowing that my dick was in the exact same sex toy that Kabb had probably ejaculated inside of hundreds of times.

As I confessed, Pastor Snyder's expression was unreadable. I wondered how he felt about my confessions. My exhibitionist side started getting off on imagining that he was picturing my depraved masturbation session in his mind. I didn't spare any details, so he could have painted quite a vivid picture with his imagination if he'd been so inclined.

When I was finished, Pastor Snyder thanked me for my honesty, praised me for my humility, and told me that Jesus Christ had already absolved me of my sins, but that my willingness to humble myself and change made me an exemplary Christian.

Afterward, I pulled Kabb into an empty Sunday School classroom and told him that I'd confessed to Pastor Snyder. I'd expected some sort of acknowledgement -- maybe that we'd hug it out, or at least a pat on the shoulder and a"well done."He just nodded and left the room. I was left with a terrible empty feeling. I'd humiliated myself by confessing my depravity, and it seemed like I'd gained nothing out of it at all.

That afternoon, after Sunday dinner at Grayson's house, I knocked on the door of Kabb's room.

"Come in," he bellowed in his deep, manly voice. I opened the door. Kabb was lounging on his bed shirtless, reading the Bible.

"Hey. I'm sorry to interrupt your bible study. Do you have a minute to talk?"

"Sure," he said. I closed his bedroom door and walked over to the bed. His tanned, muscular body looked absolutely enticing, especially his perfect, juicy pecs. I felt so much desire for him being so close to his big, imposing, shirtless body. I wanted to keep the conversation respectful, but the air was so full of his masculine pheromones that my head was swimming. I popped a boner pretty quickly.

"So," I said, "it still kinda feels like you don't like me, Kabb."

"I have no problem with you," he said matter-of-factly. "You just hang around too much."

"Is it really so bad to have someone around who just... admires you, as a person? I mean... you're bigger than I am, Kabb. A lot bigger. Am I really a threat to you?"

"I guess not."

"I mean... maybe you should be flattered -- that I was so turned on by you that I couldn't help myself."

"I'm not flattered, Nathaniel. I'm grossed out. I'm creeped out -- and if you ever do it again... Dude. Just don't do anything like that, ever again. OK?"

"Do you want me to stay away? I'll stay away if you don't want me around. It's your house, not mine."

"I'm not comfortable around you," he said.

That hurt. I began to tear up. "I really am so sorry, Kabb. It was really embarrassing telling Pastor Snyder about what I did. But I did it. I went back to that place of sin and I told him. Doesn't that... mean anything to you?"

An awkward silence followed.

He just looked at me, his jaw tightening, the muscle in his cheek shifting as if he was fighting something back.

My throat burned. The silence stretched until it began to ache. I searched his face for some sign -- anger, forgiveness, anything. But his eyes were unreadable, soft and stern all at once, the way a storm looks right before it breaks.

My lips quivered as I was overcome with remorse.

"It does, Nathaniel. You did the right thing."

He leaned closer, and before I could look away, his hand came up -- rough, steady -- and he wiped the tear from my cheek.Fuck, that felt good.

"You talk way too much," he said, as if to try to cheer me up. Then he flashed his ten-million-dollar smile at me and ruffled my hair.

"I know," I said. "I always have."God, he is so fucking good looking.

"Do you want to join my bible study?" he asked, extending me the olive branch. I nodded. Then I spent the next three hours in Kabb's room reading bible passages and discussing their meanings with him. I really wanted to impress him with my insights, and show him how seriously I'd taken my religious conversion.

After a few hours, he said he was hungry, and so we left his room to go downstairs and get some leftovers to munch on as we continued our conversation about the Bible.

As we walked down the hallway together, we passed Krell's room. As we did, Krell looked up and gave me the look of death. It was honestly a little hard to not laugh at Krell's dramatics, as he glared at me so intensely that it was almost like he was trying to manifest laser eyes to shoot me with.

I'd never understood why Krell didn't want to just get along with me. I remember the first time I watched "Glee" when I was twelve years old, and there was a gay character-- Kurt-- on it. I don't even think I'd realized yet at that point that I was gay, but I'd instantly felt a special kind of kinship or brotherhood with Kurt. I've always felt that way about all gay men, even ones I didn't know.

Krell, on the other hand, treated being a gay man like it was a competition which could only have one winner, and thus the existence of every other gay man in the world was a personal affront to him. When Krell identified another gay man in his vicinity, it's like he instantly began plotting against him, like all the other gay men were his rivals or something. It was absolutely maniacal.

It had been two years since I'd seen Krell drink Grayson's cum. In that time, Krell's "Cindy" persona had truly taken on a life of her own. Her wardrobe was like something out of a 1980s primetime soap opera. Krell was saving money on rent since he still lived with his parents, so he must have spent every dollar he earned as "Cindy" on female power suits and expensive jewelry.

Incredibly, Craig and "Cindy" were still dating. Sometimes Krell would record their sex with his cell phone and text clips to me -- which I never watched, of course, being an Evangelical Christian convert. I could see enough from the thumbnails to know that Krell and Craig were flip fucking -- something I'd never attempted in my life.

Before I'd been reincarnated as a delicate virgin, I had always been atotal bottom.I'd never even been curious about topping.

In my new life as a rich, twenty-six-year-old twink with a good job and a luxury apartment, I should have been getting my ass pounded every night by the hottest tops the Bay Area had to offer, but I was "retired." I felt like an old maid at times. Even though I was still young and good looking, I'd already accepted my fate. I was determined that my ass wasn't going to be used again until Grayson was good and ready to use it himself, and I knew all too well that Grayson was determined not to.

Sure enough, the following day at work, "Cindy" was stealing dirty looks at me all day. I just tried to ignore it. The last thing I needed was for Grayson to think that I was the source of drama at the office.

Sometimes Cindy bothered me so much that I would think about applying for a job at another company, but that would mean Grayson would no longer be my boss. I'd still see him in church, sure, but I doubted that we'd keep the close bond we had. We actually were incredibly tight. Grayson was kind of like a surrogate dad to me in a way with the amount of time we spent together. I acted the part perfectly, or parts, really, since at any given moment I was supposed to be Grayson's employee, fellow church member, or friend -- but he was always so much more to me than any of those. I wanted to keep him in my life as much as I could, so finding a new job was just out of the question, even though Cindy made my life hell as often as she could.

"I just got my dress for Kabb's party," Cindy announced, sashaying into my office. "I had it custom made in Milan. Guess how much it cost me?"

"Wait a minute," I said. "You can't seriously be thinking of going to the party dressed as Cindy. You've gotten away with your drag show so far, but if you show up at Kabb's party, someone will recognize you."

"Of course I'm showing up as Cindy. I'm going to look so glamorous on Craig's arm. And who's your date? George Glass?"

"Cindy, why are you such a bitch to me? What have I ever even done to you?"

"Relax, Nathaniel, I was just kidding. I'm sure it's perfectly normal and not-at-all-pathetic that you never go on any dates with anybody."

"At least I'm true to my covenants. I don't pray the rosary with one breath and suck dick with the next, unlike some people I know."

"Don't judge me, Nathaniel. My sex life is between me and God. It's none of your business. Maybe if you had your own sex life, you'd stop being so fucking fascinated with mine."

"You wouldn't even have a sex life if it weren't for me. Don't forget, I'm the one that brought you and Craig together in the first place. You're welcome, by the way."

"You are such a fucking hypocrite. The only reason you set me up with Craig is that I promised to be quiet about the desperate fucking text messages you were sending my dad. Anyway, it's been two years, bitch. Craig may have noticed me because of you, but he stayed because he loves me."