Divergent Limit

Hey everyone. This is chapter 2 of my novel Divergent Limit. It picks up directly where chapter 1 left off. So I would strongly recommend that you read "Element 01 - A Hint Of Summer" first. There is also a very short prologue titled "Element 0 - Prologue", but familiarity with chapter 1 should be enough to fully appreciate chapter 02. But enough talk, enjoy "Element 02 - I Hate Kurt Gödel" :)

-----

Still October 25th, Saturday

The cool night air hit him, clearing his mind almost instantly. It was so quiet outside, the air so much less heavy. He was immediately reminded of why he usually avoided events like this. A few deep breaths helped him calm down further. How long had it been since he had an episode like that? Two years?

Fuck this... He hadn't played basketball since he was 12, but he had gotten to the point where talking about it or watching it was fine for him. He sat down on the stairs in front of the bar. It looked like what Eleanor had done made him regress somewhat. He felt exhausted.

Sitting there as the adrenaline slowly left his system, he started to feel a bit chilly after all. He looked at the weather app on his phone. Barely 8:30 PM, 47 degrees.

"Not below 50 degrees before midnight my ass..."

He murmured to himself. He closed the zipper of his hoodie, choosing warmth over signaling Babymetal fandom to the world. Should he really go back inside? What would he even tell Claire? It would be a stretch to say he knew her well, but unless he was a horrible judge of character, she was probably still sitting there right now wondering what she did wrong.

With the phone in his hand, he couldn't resist the urge. He opened his chat with Eleanor. Last message: yesterday, October 24th, Friday, 11:37 AM.

"Any good news?"

He had assumed that her meeting with Robertson would end around 11:30 AM since her analysis lecture started at 12:00 PM. No reply. He started typing a message.

"Are you ok?"

He looked at the text briefly as if the words were about to reveal some secret to him. Then he deleted it and put his phone away. He folded his hands above his head and sighed. So much for not letting Eleanor's bullshit ruin his evening.

"Didn't even ask Claire for her number..."

He had been fully prepared to get rejected, but not even making it to the question? This evening couldn't have turned out worse. He furiously raked his fingers through his hair, grunting in frustration.

"Hmpf... Grmbl!"

A familiar voice pulled him out of his self-loathing.

"Hiya."

He glanced up at the voice. There she was, slightly leaning forward, arms folded behind her back, her kind eyes looking at him. Claire had followed him outside. She looked the same except for the denim jacket she had put on. He didn't know what to say, so he just stared at her, flustered as he was. Fortunately, Claire was willing to carry the conversational baton a little while longer.

"Whatcha doing? No need to torture your pretty curls like that. You're too young to go bald."

He chuckled, then his chuckle transitioned into a full laugh. He knocked once against his forehead, followed by a sigh of relief.

"Pretty curls, huh? What do you like about them? You like blond hair?"

She briefly looked up at the sky as if she were searching for the answer in the stars.

"Hmm... ever since you sat down next to me, I kind of wanted to twirl them around my finger. I think I'd do that all the time if I were you."

He sat pointedly upright, placed his hands on his knees, and tilted his head slightly back. With closed eyes and a suppressed grin, he said:

"Well, be my guest. My curls are at your service."

He heard her adorable giggle, then felt her tender finger softly dip into one of his curls. She drew a gentle circle on his head, careful not to tug at his hair.

The moment she pulled her hand back, he missed her touch. He opened his eyes and looked at her once more.

"Was it everything you hoped for?"

She tilted her head from side to side.

"Well, it was good, but could've been better if they were a little longer. Would twirl again, though. 4 out of 5 stars."

He seriously considered letting his hair grow a little longer now.

He returned to a more relaxed posture while Claire continued the conversation.

"Mind if I sit down?"

He shook his head and patted the spot to his right. She didn't waste any time and sat down beside him.

"That's better. I'm not used to being taller than people."

Before he apologized, they just sat there for a minute, neither of them saying anything.

"I'm sorry."

Claire still didn't speak, but she didn't have to. The "For what?" was written all over her face.

"For... bringing down the mood. Ruining the evening."

She shook her head.

"You didn't. Even if I don't fully understand what's going on, I know something hurt you. I got that much. What's wrong with showing that?"

When she put it as simple as that, he felt kind of embarrassed.

"Nothing... just... maybe there's a time and place...?"

The pain in her eyes almost hurt him.

"There is a right time and place for panic attacks, or just getting overwhelmed? I don't think it works like that."

She was talking to him, but seemed to also be reflecting on something that was bothering her. Regardless, he couldn't object to what she said.

"True..."

She took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly.

"I wanted to tell you that I don't get it. This idea that there's some nobility in shielding others from your pain, that you're doing the people you care about a favor by suffering alone. It's bullshit. All it achieves is making others distrust your happiness because they might always think you're hiding your pain. But then I realized... I'm doing the same thing."

He wasn't sure anymore whether she was talking to him or to herself.

"In what way?"

He encouraged her to keep talking. She lowered her eyes and hugged one of her knees.

"I have this old friend, like we've known each other since we were eight, and we've always been close. He recently got together with his new girlfriend and she doesn't like me. So what did I do? I stepped aside, trying not to blow up his relationship. Am I genuinely happy for him? Yeah, and I told him that. But did I leave out the part where I'm scared we might lose our connection because of his girlfriend's jealousy? Oh, absolutely. So you see, same thing."

That did sound like something he might do, even consider the right thing to do. He got what she was saying, though. If you minimize yourself in what you perceive to be in the interest of others, you might just create a reason for them to worry about you. If he put it like that, he could hardly argue against it.

"I don't know this friend of yours, so I won't tell you everything will be fine. But I'd like to believe that once the honeymoon phase of this new relationship is over, he'll remember that thirteen years of friendship shouldn't be taken for granted. You deserve that."

Her reply was a soft whisper.

"Thank you."

Inspired by her open vulnerability, he wanted to confide in her too.

"I wish I could tell you what's going on with me the same way you shared your worries with me. But I literally can't because, well... because I don't fully understand what's going on myself, and even if I did, I'd have to share things about Eleanor with you that aren't mine to tell."

Claire gave him an understanding nod.

"But let me say this much. Something was going on with her. I thought I understood what it was and tried to help. But now I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. She's clearly not okay, but she did something that really hurt me. And I... well... I yelled at her for what she did. I don't know. I think I needed to protect myself, but at the same time I'm wondering... Did I just kick someone who was already down?"

Claire seemed to weigh her words carefully.

"I don't think I can help you solve the puzzle. But for what it's worth, you don't strike me as the kind of person who yells at a hurting friend for some petty reason."

He felt himself blush at her words and scratched his head.

"Thanks, that means a lot."

He had to avert his eyes from her for a moment.

The door opened behind them. A group of tipsy graduate students loudly made their way outside. Claire took a quick look, then moved so close to Eugene in her attempt to make space on the stairs that her arm and leg brushed against his.

One of the grad students noticed the closeness between Claire and him and began to eagerly shout:

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

And his friends joined the frantic chant immediately. Eugene hid his face in one hand and waved the group away with the other. Luckily, they didn't linger. Eugene tried to lighten the mood.

"Jesus, it hasn't even been two hours since I got here. What else is going to happen today?"

Claire's face was tinged with an adorable rosy hue. She scratched her cheek as she avoided looking at him.

"Yeah, today's been a lot, huh?"

Then it hit him. Her number! He had been so absorbed in the conversation that he almost forgot about it. If this wasn't the moment to ask, then such a moment simply didn't exist!

"Claire? I was thinking... maybe you'd want to exchange numbers? I hope this isn't the last time we talk like this."

Claire grinned, then held out her hand. He was briefly confused.

"Your phone, give it to me."

He was certainly not the most experienced when it came to dating, but even he was confident that this was unlikely to be a setup for her to run away with his phone. He handed it over immediately.

He saw Claire click through the menus, create a new contact, and then type. It didn't take long for her to hand his phone back.

"Here. Just send me a text later."

He nodded.

"Will do."

He looked at the new contact, tangible proof that, against all odds, this evening was a success. It said:

First name: Claire

Last name: ∞

He showed her the contact.

"Claire Infinite? What is that? Your secret superhero name?"

Slightly embarrassed, she looked down.

"No! Like... Claire... from the Infinite Pint. I don't know how many Claires you know... I can change it if you want to."

He chuckled, then quickly put the phone away.

"Oh no! This stays. Honestly, I didn't even know you could put the infinity symbol there. This is perfect."

He was feeling cold, and Claire was rubbing her hands together.

"Should we go back inside? I still need to pay for my Coke."

Claire shook her head.

"I actually wanted to go home early today. You can go back inside if you want to, but I think Emily already paid for you."

Emily... he became more and more convinced her major wasn't in physics but in social engineering.

"I think I had my fill then too."

He stretched, still fully aware of how close Claire was to him. Then she surprised him.

"Our conversation got a bit heavy, don't you think? Want to try something fun before we say goodbye for today?"

As if he could say no to that.

"As long as it doesn't involve playing pool, I'm in."

She leaned into him a bit and poked him with her elbow.

"Tell me something about yourself you've never told anybody before. Doesn't need to be anything super serious."

He wondered what to tell her. He had one big secret, and that wouldn't even satisfy her request because he had already shared with Eleanor what his coach had done to him. He shook his head. It was best not to dwell on that for too long. Then he had an idea.

"Well, I'm not sure whether this counts, but you said to share something I've never told anyone, not something nobody else knows. So... I was like really small before puberty. Seriously, I thought I'd end up around your height, no offense."

He quickly checked in with her. She didn't seem to mind.

"Really bothered me back then because I was big into basketball. People who knew me before puberty know, obviously. But I don't think I've ever told anyone I met after I had my growth spurt. Although, I could see my big sister running around telling everybody how tiny I was."

He trusted Claire not to jump back into his basketball past. She seemed satisfied with his answer.

"I'm sure you were cute."

He leaned away from her, put a hand on his heart, and stared at her with his mouth open, feigning outrage at her gentle affirmation.

"Were?! Claire, I'm adorable now!"

She was wagging her finger at him.

"Nope, I'm not going to reward that."

He would manage somehow, even as he longed for more of her affection. But he was not about to let her get away so easily.

"Okay, your turn then."

She became serious instantly. She broke eye contact, stood up, walked down the stairs, and stared down the street as if she were unable to look at him while she confessed whatever secret was burning a hole in her soul. A deep sigh, then she said:

"I hate Kurt Gödel."

Eugene could feel his face collapse into a question mark.

"Huh? Who? What's that name? German?"

Claire tapped her foot as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Yes, well, technically Austrian, I guess. He was a mathematician and friends with Einstein."

He did some quick calculations in his head. Friends with Einstein, so probably dead for a while at this point.

"I feel like this is the part of the conversation where I'm supposed to go 'That bastard!', but I don't really know why."

She turned around, her expression as serious as can be.

"You know why I study math? When I was little, well, young... Anyway, when I was young I quickly got into science. And when I learned that the fundamental building block of many things in science is math, I found my thing. In math..."

He saw a longing mixed with pain on her face as she searched for the right words to continue.

"... things are clear, true or false, provable. Your ability to understand what's true is only limited by the capabilities of your mind. I loved that."

He understood the appeal, at least he thought so. But where was this going? He wasn't going to interject anything until she stopped talking.

"Well, or so I thought. That's where Gödel's incompleteness theorems come into play. Basically, what he showed was this: Every mathematical system that is free of logical contradictions contains truths that can't be proven. They are true, but you can never know that they are, no matter what you do."

He wasn't sure he fully grasped what she was saying. But to him, what she said meant that some of these famous math problems that have remained unsolved for hundreds of years might never be solved because that's simply impossible.

"Here's the part I never told anybody before..."

She folded her arms behind her back again, her gaze fixed on her boots. Her voice was so small now.

"A year ago, I went through the proofs of his theorems myself. I just had to. And when I was finally done..."

She glanced up at him, her eyes watery.

"... I cried myself to sleep. Stupid, huh?"

He didn't know what to say to that. He just looked at her, wide-eyed, as he thought he felt his heart skip a beat.

"That bastard..."

He mumbled to himself. Claire didn't understand what he said.

"What...?"

Shaking his head, he stood up too.

"Nothing."

He wanted to say something profound or encouraging, or hunt down Kurt Gödel for her. Yet, the only unprovable truth on his mind was "I think I've just fallen in love with you." But he was smart enough not to say that. He walked toward her until he stood directly in front of her.

"You're not stupid. Thank you for coming after me to check on me tonight. Despite what I said before I left, I don't know whether I would have had it in me to go back inside on my own to talk to you again."

He didn't know what would come after tonight. But he was absolutely certain that he wanted this moment to be a part of his life.

Claire hugged him, and he hugged her back. He could have stood there for hours, but her voice dragged him back into the present moment.

"I'll go home now. I got a topology problem set I need to take a look at before I go to sleep. I'm glad you came today, Eugene."

They let go of each other and took a step back.

"Yeah, me too. I should probably go over that problem set on compact sets again that I fucked up last week."

Claire was visibly amused.

"Ah, the horror of compact sets, the bane of adorable freshmen all over the country. Let me know if you need help with that."

His face started to hurt from smiling too much.

"I will. Bye, Claire."

"Bye."

Then they turned around and left in opposite directions. He wanted to burst into a triumphant scream, but had enough restraint left to wait until Claire was out of earshot. What a night! Definitely his most memorable one since he'd moved here.

He had walked maybe fifty feet when he realized something and turned back.

"Claire?"

He spoke a little louder than before, given the distance between them. She turned around as well.

"Yeah?"

He was a little embarrassed that he hadn't thought of this sooner.

"It's late and... dark. Want me to walk you home?"

She didn't answer immediately, then shook her head.

"No, this is not a dangerous neighborhood and it's not that far to my apartment. I'll be fine. But thanks for the offer!"

He nodded, waved her goodbye, and resumed his walk home. He was thinking about their talk about minimizing yourself for the sake of others and how they were both guilty of that. With that in mind, he wondered: should he have framed his question as something he wanted to do rather than as an offer to help? That might have made it easier for her to accept.

It didn't matter. The evening had turned out great as it was. There was no point in lamenting every microdecision. The big picture was this: he had started the evening as a guy with a crush on a nerdy math girl he barely knew. He went home as a guy in love with Claire, who had cried over Gödel's theorems, a fact she had shared with him and only him. What else could he ask for?