My Freaky Freshman Year

My Freaky Freshman Year

Chapter 3 of 4

All characters are over the age of 18 at the time of any sexual activity.

We continue to winter term. Now broken up and no longer at the same school, their connection changes. An chance encounter for Spring Break changes the stakes.

A huge shout out to my beta readers and editors: thatsbogus, SpotInTheSand, and Rawsilhouette, all fantastic Lit authors. Please consider browsing their author pages for some great stories.

* * *

* * *

I'd been back at school for a couple of weeks.

Lily isn't here.

We aren't together.

The predictable waves of emotion had easily pushed me around like a rudderless boat. The first few days of January were awful, my mental state repeatedly falling into the valleys ofyou have nothing to live for, then having to force myself up and out of the pain and sometimes anger at where I was.

By the middle of the month, I'd at least not had a breakdown episode in a few days, and I felt like something bordering on decent. I allowed myself a proud moment on the way to class one morning simply because I feltokay. The horrible things Lily was probably going through were usually the sobering reminder that I was still in a very good place, universe-wise.

To his credit, my buddyFrat Deanintuited my mental state the first time we met up and practically demanded I start working out with him. Between the obvious benefits for track season and the endorphin-fueled improvement on my mood, I agreed.

My friends and roommates Adam and Chrissy took the better part of a week to stop walking on eggshells around me. Once I convinced them that I would in fact continue to live and exist, they happily welcomed me as a kind of third wheel that I was more than happy to roll with. Chrissy was of course minorly devastated about her roommate and their family's horrible scenario. The two of them were in touch pretty frequently, and I took to largely getting my news of the Whitlocks from Chrissy. I knew that being clingy and over-communicating with Lily would be that much harder on her than me, and I certainly didn't want to pile on. She had only her dad and sister to lean on, I was physically surrounded by friends and was in an environment that was literally designed for positive growth. Everything was just so... unfair.

Not that I didn't communicate with her, there was no way we were going to pretend the other person didn't exist. We talked mostly over text. I had no idea if she would be sitting in a hospital or doctor's office, or spending precious time with her mom and family. I kept most of our conversations topical, asking about her mom's treatment or how many runs she'd been on since our last chat.

I was surprised that she actually FaceTimed me toward the end of our first week apart. I was still in the throes of our breakup and wasn't sure I could take even seeing her face. The smile I hadn't really seen since Christmas threw me for an unexpected loop as we talked over video. She had managed to get her classes and credits transferred to the local community college, and would be starting the next Monday. Her schedule was really flexible, and all classes offered both remote and asynchronous options. She could still be there for her family, while not losing much time in college. I sighed happily as she excitedly told me,Lily the planner,taking charge of her life and rescuing at least a part of her hopes and dreams.

After we ended the call, I tumbled pretty hard into a what-if scenario I'd amazingly not considered yet.

If it wasn't for the distance, would things be different? Would we still be together?

I nuked that thought from orbit.

Not only would she kill me if I dropped out of college to be closer, it would absolutely wreck her.

I flipped the situation and nearly started hyperventilating, imagining if she'd done it for me.

Nope, I couldn't live with myself.

* * *

* * *

With running, working out, good friends by my side, and regular revisits of mymom talks...I was grudgingly proud that by the end of January, I felt like some reasonable facsimile of Theo. Chrissy noticed immediately, and was curiously ecstatic that I'd apparently turned some kind of corner. I'd have said the hill I'd been climbing maybe got a little less steep, but Chrissy was convinced I'd gotten to some new place entirely.

One Friday, she insisted that I come with Adam and her to dinner and bowling. I hated bowling, but it sounded better than sitting alone in our dorm room. The two of them were curiously quiet as we walked toward the restaurant. I brushed it off as I'd certainly used less words lately and maybe they were just trying to make me comfortable. My theory was quickly proven very wrong as we walked in.

"Theo," she said, pulling me toward an occupied booth, "this is Charlotte. Charlotte, Theo." Chrissy grinned like the Cheshire Cat and scooted into the opposite side of the booth with Adam.

I grinned and sighed loudly. "Nice to meet you, Charlotte." I extended my hand and shook hers. Her slender fingers were soft and warm.

She flashed me a friendly smile. I could only see her top half from her spot in the booth, but she was cute. Light brown hair, lean and on the taller side much like Lily. The way she smiled at me felt genuine and disarming. Charlotte was objectively pretty.

The similarity made me raise an eyebrow, hopefully not too obviously.

"Is this really happening?" I said directly at Chrissy, with only a hint of exasperation in my voice.

Even tried to find someone that looked kinda like her?

"Yes," she tutted, "it is. You need to have some fun, leave your pity party, and..."

Be social, meet new people, get over... us.

"I'm really sorry about this," I said, turning to face this girl I'd never met, "they didn't tell me what was going on."

"I know," she said brightly. "I kinda like being a surprise. But no pressure, okay? Just have fun and I'll maybe let you win at bowing."

I laughed out loud for the first time in recent memory. "Well, that's gonna be tough. I'm absolutely horrible."

"Dude, you were like mister basketball stud..." said Adam, "it's just a heavier ball, right?"

"Dunno," I shrugged, "maybe it's the shoes."

Everyone laughed and I had a tiny moment of secret happiness that Chrissy had done this. I turned toward this person who I now understood was my date, and properly looked at her. I tried to keep the comparisons away...

Our dinner was fantastic. The family style entrees were fun to share and compare favorites, and the four of us clicked like Charlotte had been in our circle already. A couple of times I had to push back the dour thought that I shouldn't be having fun, that bordering-on-toxic guilt that I didn't deserve this.

As we left the restaurant to walk toward the bowling alley, Charlotte walked next to me and grabbed my hand. A breath caught in my throat as she laced her fingers in mine in exactly the way I was used to.Her hand behind, mine in front, my thumb resting over hers.I fought a brief but spirited emotional battle in my head. I finally ceded victory to the part that had apparently been craving physical human contact.

I could hear Adam and Chrissy whispering excitedly behind us. I surreptitiously rolled my eyes and continued on.

Bowling was fun, even after me coming to grips with the evening being a double date. I played horrible as promised, but Charlotte did worse. I began to suspect she was deliberately trying to let me win, like actively throwing gutter balls every other turn just so my score stayed above hers. It began to annoy me after I realized what was happening, but I forced myself to not read into into it much and just enjoy the time.

As the four of us walked home, she'd taken my hand again and I found I didn't mind. I squeezed it absentmindedly when she said something funny or smiled at me, always getting a squeeze in return. We got close to the dorms and she asked me if I minded walking her back, her room was in a different building a few blocks past ours.

Adam and Chrissy smiled widely as they turned at the next block, waving as we separated.

"Thanks for being a good sport about this," I said once we were out of earshot. "I'm sure Chrissy told you about me, right?"

"Yeah," Charlotte said with a grin. "I don't mind. She was kinda intense about it though," she added, "seemed like I didn't have a choice. I was just... coming. She's a hoot."

"You have no idea," I said. "Thank you for tonight, I think I actually needed this."

"I enjoyed it too. I know this isn't like a great time for you. But don't stay all closed off. I've been there, and it sucks."

"That's really good advice," I said, turning to look at her.

We walked another half block to the next building.

"Well, this is me. Thank you Theo, I did have a good time."

We stopped in front of the entrance door, pale light from inside spilling out onto the sidewalk. I became very aware that she'd turned to face me and had released my hand.

"Again, no pressure, but if you were thinking about kissing me, I'd be okay with it."

I felt my chin drop just a little as the next battle began. The thoughts were too jumbled to tease apart. Images and feelings and experiences, it was almost like cars piling up on a freeway. I realized I hadn't moved but her face was getting closer. An image of Chrissy, sitting on my lap with the same expression and shrinking distance rose out of the ruckus. I finally took a deep breath and let my entire brain formulate a response.

It's okay... you're allowed.

I'd barely made the decision when Charlotte's lips pressed against mine. My eyelids drooped closed and I relished the combination of the physical sensation, but more powerfully the idea that someone could want to be with me, when I was like this. Even if it was just a first date kiss, the affection was overwhelming and was filling a tank inside me I didn't know was dry and empty.

My hands slowly moved, gently holding on to her narrow waist. I didn't want to go lower or higher, only expressing that I appreciated her being close, sharing this with me.

Our kiss was slow and nice. Not chaste, but not frenzied. Just the tips of our tongues found their way between open lips before we pulled and opened our eyes. I hadn't even realized she'd been holding the back of my neck in her hands. We shared an awkward grin and finally separated.

"Did that make you wanna run off and scream into your pillow?" she asked sweetly.

"No," I said quietly, shaking my head. I felt proud that I could say it.

"You're on the way then. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks." I smiled at her, a little confused that I didn't have the overwhelming urge to kiss her again.

"You're a good guy Theo, don't beat yourself up. Okay?"

"Okay."

"If you ever wanna go do something that's not bowling, let me know. That was painful to watch."

I laughed. "Will do. G'night."

Charlotte leaned to peck me on the cheek and turned to leave.

I spun on my heel and started back towards the dorm. I could feel my face smiling all the way back. It wasn't like I'd just had the best date ever and couldn't wait to see her again. It wasmeI was happy for. I was taking advice and actually adulting.

A strange thing happened as I walked into the lobby of my dorm. I felt the almost overwhelming urge to communicate with Lily. I wanted to tell her where I'd just been, not out of a sense of guilt or trying to get some kind of atonement, but to simply share. Like you'd tell a friend.

Lily is still my friend.

The realization hit me hard, in a good way. Despite what I'd seen other breakups do to people, I didn't harbor any ill will for her. I'd known her for more than ten years, and come to grips with that even through our frenemies stage, we were good for each other. Just because we weren't dating didn't have to mean we didn't exist in the other person's world.

I pulled out my phone and was about ready to start a text. 'Went on a date, doing fine at not being your boyfriend',it would have said.

Jesus, you're still competing with her...I thought.Don't do that.

I gave a brief thought about what she might be doing right now and lost the enthusiasm. She was probably home after driving her mom somewhere for her horrible, body-poisoning treatment.

The conflicting thought pattern swung me around three-sixty several times before I finally got out of the elevator.

Doesn't matter, I thought,Chrissy's gonna tell her anyway.

I shook my head to myself as I opened the door to our room. Adam mercifully didn't grill me for details.

"Dude, I just started GTA, grab your controller!"

* * *

* * *

It didn't take too long for my blind date to fade from myimportant thingsmemory. As I started the next week, I was more interested and concerned with Lily's state of existence. I knew she'd started at community college today which probably gave her a modicum of satisfaction, but notOakmont Scholarshiplevel. Her mom's health weighed even more heavily in the back of my mind. Despite our recent status change that I'd somehow become marginally okay with, I really longed for more than one sentence thoughts in our text thread.

I risked a voice call that afternoon and was elated when she answered.

"Hey you, what's going on?"

"Not too much, just finished an engineering lab."

"I had school today, and it was as good as I expected. It's not Oakmont, but it's fine. A credit is a credit, right?"

"Yeah," I chuckled.

She talked for a few minutes about her classes, how the formats were a bit different than we'd gotten used to from last term. I gave a few lazy updates on my classes.

I miss you.

"How's your mom doing?"

She sighed into the phone. "Decent I guess. The docs say her treatment is going well. Too early to tell, but..."

"What is it?" I said after a long pause. I wasn't prepared to hear her choke up.

"It's horrible to see her like this. It's almost like part of her is gone already."

I felt my throat tighten up. I'd read a few articles about the awful side effects of the radically invasive treatments.

"Are Zoey and your dad doing okay?"

"They're alright. Z helped me pick her out a wig. It's really cute... she loves it."

I could hear her grin through the phone before she continued.

"So, tell me about your date?"

Okay, I guess we're talking about it.

I chuckled nervously into the phone, despite trying really hard not to.

"It was fine, we went bowling."

"That's too bad," she said seriously. "You suck at bowling."

She was diverting to make the conversation not all about her. I chewed on my lip, glad that we weren't sharing video.

"Ohmigod Lil', it was horrible. I think the poor girl tried to let me win to save my ego or something... it was so horrible to watch."

I cherished the warm laugh that echoed through the tinny phone speaker. It tapered off and the silence settled in for a moment.

"Theo, you're gonna be okay, right?"

I wanted to tell her that I didn't matter, that she was the one that needed to be okay. I desperately wanted to ask it right back, but knew she'd deliberately steered the conversation away.

"I'll be good." I gulped, holding the phone away from me for a second. "Please tell me if anything happens. Your mom, you... anything. Okay?"

"I will, I promise."

We ended the call and I leaned back against the pillow on my bed. I took a few minutes of deep breathing to calm myself down. As I sat there and let everything swirl in my head, I began to let the different parts of our relationship sort themselves. The new, excitingfirstbits were there, chiseled in indelible stone forever, just like my mom had told me. The more visceral pieces -- touching, holding hands while we walked, kissing... those were amazing, but not entirely unique.

The douchey monkey hormone part of my brain callously offered that anyone could fulfill those needs. Hell, I'd just had a very nice date with Charlotte, and all those things were sweet and tender and poked at all the same feels.

Does it really not matter who you're with?

I'm not really that shallow, right?

I wrestled with my thoughts for a few minutes, willing the inevitable comparisons away. I finally landed on the real truth.

I missed Lily's spirit.

When we fought and competed, she pushed me. Whether it was being faster or stronger or better in some way, she was always a hand on my back. Sometimes it was a pat, but more often than not it was a firm shove in the right direction. Even being a different gender while occupying her body taught me things I never would have known otherwise.

But I love her!

I choked back a lump in my throat.

But... I can't now, not like that.

Mom advicewas again forced into the front and center of my thoughts. Everything I'd experienced and learned would stay with me, none of it disappeared when Lily and I stopped beingus.

* * *

* * *

I internalized my recent revelations and had another in short order. While I got to keep everything I'd experienced, I was on my own now. The force of nature that pushed me my entire life now lived four hours away and was dealing with her own universe-supplied struggle.

If I wanted to keep my life on an upward trajectory, I was going to have to be my own cheerleader.

A new term of classes gave me plenty of runway to exercise my mental faculties. The physical portion of my self-improvement plan had already been primed and was just waiting for me to commit. By the time February rolled around, I'd become a reasonably committed gym rat. With a little outside motivation from Dean,I visited the school fitness center nearly every day.

"Dude, you got this. Two more reps!"

It wasn't enough that my buddy Dean was ridiculously good looking and reasonably smart, but he was also one hell of a personal trainer. I grunted out every last ounce of strength to push the bar up once, then twice more.

"Niiiiice," he said, helping me steady the weights back onto the bench press rack. "Proud of you, dude," he said through some labored breathing from his own set just prior. "Got some decent gains for only a month."

"Thanks man, never really done much but running. This feels... good."

"Right?" he said, turning to give me a nod. "Now go pound a shake, see you in the showers."

I paid for the protein shake and chugged it as instructed. I made my way into the enormous locker room and stripped out of my sweaty clothes. Dean was already scrubbing himself in the communal showers when I came in.

"So we're having an event at the house coming up," she said, glancing over a shoulder. "Should be a good time, if you're interested."

"Cool, when is it?"

"Uh... Valentine's Day," he said with a grin.

"For real?"

Valentine's? Dick move, Dean.

"It's not just couples or anything. In fact I bet there will be a lot of available hotties there, if you're ready. Might be good for you."

"Hmm..." I pursed my lips and considered it.

"Besides, we don't fuck around with parties. We're gonna have fillets, shrimp, maybe a little bubbly... top shelf, my man."

"Well alright," I said, nodding. My brain did some quick social calculus. "Any chance my roommate and his girlfriend could come again? Adam and Chrissy are super cool."

"Of course," he said with a smile. "Your friends are my friends."

"Sweet."

"Oh, and one other thing."

"Yeah?" I said, turning to see the smile turning his perfectly chiseled cheekbones upward.