My New Tablet

I was actually productive all morning until about 10 o'clock. He'd be awake by now.

"Hey Thomas, how are you today?"

"Carl! Doing great, things are looking up."

"Glad to hear it. You free for a burger and a beer for lunch today?"

"And the hits just keep on coming. How about noon at the café near the Safeway?"

"Thomas, you read my mind. See you at noon."...

"Double cheeseburger, hold the bun. Garlic fries and a diet coke. Lunch is on me Thomas."

"My goodness, can the day get any better?"

I prefer to eat my café burger with a knife and fork, Carlitos in the kitchen makes them real juicy. Best in town.

I only half way through my burger, I like to leave the fries for last. Thomas had wolfed down his meal like it was his last. He sipped his Corona and leaned forward, "Ok Carl, let me have it. Scotty called and said he'd seen you and you looked like your dog had died."

"Marriage died. In the worst possible way."

"Oh man. I thought you and Janice were solid. The one's that were gonna make it."

"Yeah, I thought that too. But fate has other plans and all I can do is ride the wave. I need your help Thomas."

"Oh shit. Carl, I'm trying to keep my nose clean. I mean I got a girlfriend now and everything."

"I'm sorry Thomas, but I need your skills. It's a simple job. Twelve hours of video, living color, full audio. Coverage over the whole apartment; even the bathroom and kitchen. Next Thursday. Set up at noon, teardown the next day. Name your price. Cash."

"Fuck me. That's serious. Cash. Oh man. Whose apartment?"

"Stella Michaels, Janice's best friend."

"Does Stella still live at that place in San Mateo?"

"Yup, easy in and easy out. Most everybody works, the whole place will be practically deserted."

"Oh man. Cash?" Thomas sat back and sipped his beer. I knew he'd say yes, we go way back. And the cash would come in handy on the straight and narrow. "Ok, I'm in. But you gotta take this to your grave. I'm straight and gonna stay that way. You can't tell nobody, not Scotty, not your priest, don't even whisper it in prayer."

"You have my word. How much?"

"For you, five grand. Get the smallest bills you can manage. I'm gonna spend it carefully."

I held out my hand to shake Thomas's, "Deal, you want it ahead or on delivery of the footage."

"Upon delivery. I won't even look at it. I don't wanna know."

"That's best. I don't really want to look at it either. But I'll need the evidence for later."

"Carl, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Seems like I got all the good luck right now."

"Yeah, ain't that the truth."

---

"Carl Burrows, how can I help you?"

"Hey Carl, its Thomas. I got the footage. It's stored in the cloud ready for you to download. If you start the download when you get home tonite it should be done by morning. It's compressed but still it's almost 45Gig. That's from four cameras; they're motion activated so there's no wasted footage watching Stella's plants grow."

"Wow four cameras, how am I gonna make sense out of all that."

"Way ahead of you, I'm going to send you an email with a link to the cloud storage. And a link for some editing software you can buy that's easy to use. It's really just security camera software, pretty standard. Don't write this down, the password is BurnTheBitch66!. Put that in when the cloud storage prompts you. Your username is your last name, Burrows."

"Did you have any trouble getting in or out?"

"Naw, I dressed like the cable guy. All the gear was in little boxes, and with my tool kit I looked as normal as can be. The new cameras are so tiny you'd have to be looking for them to spot them. Stella's apartment isn't that big and I put one camera in each room like you asked. She has a lot of knick knacks so placing them was a breeze. I was in there less than 30 minutes. Today I went back mid-morning and was in and out in under fifteen. It's like I was never there."

"Thomas you really are the best."

"And with this last job, officially retired."

"Wanna meet at the café again so I can hand you the cash."

"Perfect. Noon at the café. See you then."

Ten minutes later an email arrived from Thomas in my personal inbox. The subject line said "Thursday".

---

"Thomas, I can't thank you enough. Since you did such a great job I put a little extra in there." I slid the brightly wrapped gift box across the table. It was leftover birthday paper from one of the kids I found in the closet at home. I even found the perfect sized box in there to hold the seven bundles of twenties.

"Carl, you're the best. And remember, not a word to anybody."

"You have my word. I hope it works out for you with your new girlfriend. Maybe I'll get to meet her someday."

"Man, don't sound so final. You'll be around. You're a survivor."

"Hah, you're gonna make me blush. Let's order."

---

So Saturday morning found me in my office booting up the new security camera app and pointing it at the file I'd downloaded. Tall glass of diet Coke to wet my whistle, needed to keep a clear head.

It was a pretty easy interface, with a little window for each of the four video feeds. Controls were easy too; just like a fancy VCR. I fast forwarded and watched as Stella came home and started straightening the apartment. I could see her walking from one room to another and then shedding her clothes and into the shower. All on fast forward speed; I was anxious to get to the main event.

According to the timestamp Janice arrived at 6:45pm with a six pack of beer and what looked like a bag from Victoria Secret. I hit the unmute on the living room camera window.

"One beer for each before we get started. I want them in full form. And these will guarantee we'll have their full attention." On the little window I could see her pull out two wispy somethings from the bag.

"Janice, you're the best. You think of everything."

"Gotta have a plan girlfriend, gotta have a plan."

They walked into the bedroom and they stowed their purses and the VS bag. Right at 7pm the doorbell rang.

"Show time, I'll let them in and introduce them both. Then we can get right to it. I've been looking forward to this for days."

"Me too, I'm dripping already."

I hit fast forward again. And accidentally discovered that by double clicking on any of the small windows would make that window full screen, and the other ones small thumbnails off to the side. Cool app indeed.

Janice handed each of them a beer and, "You guys should get naked. We'll only be a few minutes getting ready and then we can get to the main event." The boys each took a sip and then got busy shedding their clothes.

Janice and Stella came out of the bedroom holding hands and wearing heels and matching tiny baby dolls that didn't cover much at all. They sashayed to the couch where the boys were sitting and they got down on their knees. And then...

That's when I lost my lunch in the waste paper basket next to my desk. It was one thing to read about her infidelity, it was quite another to watch it happen in HD.

If I had any doubts about, or guilt about divorcing Janice, they vanished instantly. I hit stop on the playback and took another swig from the glass to rinse my mouth which I spit into the wastebasket.

I took the wastebasket out to the garden and rinsed it out onto the plants. Good for them.

It turned out they never left the living room so I deleted the feeds from the other three cameras and just saved the one. Got the size of the file down to 27Gig.

I'd seen enough, no need to torture myself. With the video, and all the info from her phone, I had more than enough for whatever I decided to do.

---

Made it through another weekend with no firm plan yet. But the video really had turned my stomach and firmed my resolve.

"Carl Burrows, how can I help you?"

"Carl, it's Steve, how the hell are you man?"

"Steve, Steve Davis. Man it's great to hear from you. What's it been, like nine months?"

"Yeah, I lose track of time down here. Warm days and cool evenings will do that to you. And when the Dorado are running it's a great day out on the boat."

"Dude, you're living the life. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Life on the beach. Man!"

"I'm actually calling to invite you down for some quiet time. Actually, Scotty called me and said you might need to get away for a bit."

"Scotty has been like a guardian angel lately. You know I just might take you up on that. Give me a day or so the get some things lined up and I'll call you back."

"No rush man. I ain't going nowhere. Maybe while you're down here we can take in a car show too. We have a pretty good one coming up in a couple of weeks over in Punta. That's Punta Carretas to y'all Norte Americanos."

"You know, you're giving me ideas. Didn't you take your Chevy down there with you?"

"I sure did. After I settled Doris' estate I just didn't feel like sticking around anymore. So I picked up lock stock and barrel."

"Was it a hard move, must have been complicated getting all your tools and such shipped."

"It was much easier that I imagined. I worked with a Uruguayan broker who took care of all the details. I basically supervised the loading and wrote a check. Took two days to fill the containers, and 45 days later I took delivery at the house I bought down here."

"How do the real estate prices compare to back here, like California?"

"They're not that astronomical, we have our expensive neighborhoods and some very affordable ones too. My place is kinda special in that I have a detached two car garage. I needed that for my Chevelle and all my stuff."

"Wow you make it sound so easy and appealing. I gotta give that some serious thought."

"Dude, you can bring your car here. Anything made before 1976 is considered an antique. That means you can move here, get permanent residency and still keep the convertible. A container for the car and another for all your stuff probably only set you back around ten G's. You come in first under a Tourist Visa, and then once you're here get the paperwork done to convert yourself to an expat and get the permanent car registration done. It's only a three to four month process. It's how I did it, and I really get a lot of attention from the senoritas with the Chevelle."

"Why don't you come down for some fishing, and while you're here I'll introduce you to the shipping broker and the real estate guy. You can make it a real 'fishing expedition'."

"Steve, you're on. I'm gonna get started on arrangement right away. I'll call you Tuesday."

---

"Honey, I just got some good luck landed in my lap. You remember Steve Davis; he was one of my car buddies. Well, after his wife passed a few years ago he moved down to Uruguay. Anyway, he called me and invited me to come down for some sport fishing."

"Wow, Carl. This is rather sudden. When were you planning on going?"

"I'm getting my admin to look into flight bookings now. Then I can pick a day and go. I figure I'll be gone about a week. We've just finished a great sales cycle and this would be a perfect reward. I'd invite you to come but it's shaping up to be a boy's week of fishing and cussing and other men things."

"Don't even give it another thought Carl, you go have fun."

"Thanks sweetie, I love you. I'll see you tonite."

"Bye."

...

"Alice's"

"Lisa, its Carl."

"Hey Carl, how are you doing. Scotty mentioned you'd been by. Sorry I missed you. He's out back changing a keg. You want me to get him for you?"

"Yes, thank you. But first can Scotty have a week off starting this Friday?"

"Let me guess, the Dorado are running and Stevie called you. You wanna take Scotty with you to do some fishing."

"Wow, am I that transparent?"

"I have known you guys forever, nothing surprises me anymore. But Scotty isn't flush right now, he got some work done on his bike and it cost a pretty penny."

"No worries, I got this one. Besides, Steve will put us up and so it's just the flights. I think my last bonus will cover it."

"Hah, ok. I'll get Margo to cover the bar and move some of the waitresses around. They'll welcome the extra hours. Hey, it'll be an all-girl crew while you boys are gone."

"Thanks Lisa, you're the best. Put Scotty on when he's done changing kegs."

...

I thought I'd check the logs on Janice's phone later that evening. Not surprising at all.

Janice: Stella, great news. Carl is going out of town starting this Friday to do some fishing with his car buddies. He'll be gone a week. That means the house will be all ours with the coast clear. Come stay with me and we can have BC every night!

Stella: Holy crap! I'm not sure I can keep up for a whole week.

Janice: No worries, I can keep the boys busy if you want to take a break. Besides, I'm sure we can find something for you to do that's not too strenuous.

Stella: This is too good to pass up. A whole week. Are you sure Kenny is available?

Janice: I'm hoping he can bring several of his teammates for the weekend. Then we can make it clear we're going to need somebody over every night. I'm sure if our dance card will be full. No worries.

Stella: Several for the whole weekend!? Does that mean what I thing it means?

Janice: It sure does, Choo Choo girlfriend!

---

"Thomas, last time I promise."

"Carl no. I told you I'm out and I'm staying clean."

"Yeah but this time there's no B&E. I want you to bug my house this Thursday morning."

"What! What are you talking about?"

"I'm going outta town for a week and I want all the stuff that's going on at my house recorded."

"Oh, I guess that's different since it's your own house. Let's see two bedrooms, your office, kitchen, living room and deck. Doable. All week you say."

"Yes, stream everything to the cloud like last time. You can leave all the cameras in place until I get back the following week."

"Ok, what time at your house on Thursday?"

"Mid-morning will be fine. I'll be home packing for my trip so you can come anytime. I can give you a hand doing the install."

"Ok, but this is the last time. I mean it!"

"Last time, I promise."

---

"Mr. Cabrera, it's very gracious of you to invite us to your home."

"You are most welcome. Mr. Burrows you and Mr. Scotty are great friends of Steve Davis. He has made many friends after moving to Uruguay. And as many of the people he has become acquainted with are also my friends, it was natural for us have this little dinner party."

"Mr. Cabrera, I would prefer if you referred to me by my first name. Scotty and I are from a part of the US where we are very comfortable with that."

"Yeah, Mr. Cabrera nobody has called me mister in a very long time. Let's keep it informal."

"As you wish, and you can call me Rodrigo, or as Steve does, Rod. But please, never Roddy."

"And for my part you can also dispense with the Mr. Perez. My given name is Pablo. And if you ever call me PP, I will stab you in the eye." Everybody laughed and glasses were raised around the table.

"Rod, this Medio y Medio is delicious. That means half-n-half in English doesn't it? I think I'm really going to like it here."

"Then we've made a good start. Between Pablo's freight brokerage and my real estate interests I'm sure we can make your move here simple and easy. Plus we both are good friends with several bankers who can help with moving your funds here, giving you some distance from your US entanglements. While it's true we have an Extradition Agreement with the US, it's only ever used in criminal cases. But enough of the sad story of what brings you to our shores. Let's focus on enjoying some fine food and some of our local wines this evening. But not too much, otherwise tomorrow's fishing trip will be uncomfortable."

Again everybody raised their glasses.

---

When I finally got home from the airport and unpacked, had a shower and settled down it was close to 11pm. I begged off chatting too much with Janice, I really did just want to crash. But Sunday morning there was no avoiding it. I figured out I had best get going with my plan.

"Sweetie, I had the best time. We fished every day, ate great food every evening, and Steve introduced us to a bunch of his friends. I haven't been this relaxed in a long time. I hadn't realized how much stress my job was putting on me."

"Carl you push yourself too hard. Maybe this was a wake-up call for you to slow down a bit."

"You know I was thinking about that a bit. And I thought of a way to reduce a bit of stress off your plate too."

"Oh, what did you have in mind?" I could see her caution flags were up.

"You can actually thank Scotty for this idea. Seems there are a couple of guys we know who have rented a warehouse space up in San Carlos. They've got room for about ten cars, with space for tools too. And so I emailed them and told them I'm in. I'm gonna move all my tools and Caro in there. It'll be more fun too. A bunch of guys working on their cars in a cool industrial space. Just think, since I already park my commuter car on the street, your Beemer will have the garage all to itself."

"Wow, that does sound like it would be fun for you. I guess you'll be disappearing all weekend to hang out with your car buddies." I could see the wheels turning from across the room.

"We'll, I'll try to keep that to a minimum. I want to still do fun stuff with you on the weekends too. Anyway, the deal is I'm gonna move in a week from Friday. I'll have a crew come by to transport all my tools and equipment to the new warehouse. It'll give me a chance to really get all my nuts and bolts organized."

"Holy cow, sounds like a lot. So you say this is going to happen soon?"

"Yes, but here's the best part. It's going to be a lot of commotion around here to move all my stuff. Soooo, I thought I would treat you to a spa weekend so you don't have to be around while I have a crew of guys causing a lot of disruption. I thought I'd spring for you and Stella both. So it's a win, win. You get a weekend at the spa, and when you come back a clear garage. And I end up in a car guy's paradise, out of the way."

"Hmmm, you sure are full of surprises. And you say you came up with this while you were out fishing with the boys. Are you sure you didn't get up to something and this is your way of making it up to me?"

"Absolutely not, that's not what this is about. We did have a bit of fun talking about the attitude that our wives and girlfriends toward our car stuff. But that was harmless guy talk. So what do you say?"

"I say cool. Why don't you let me make the spa arrangements for me and Stella? I'll want to book us at a great place I heard about. I promise it won't be too expensive." With that I got a kiss on the cheek and off she went. I guess to call Stella and get planning their spa weekend.

---

"You know Carl; I actually doubted when you said the container for all your stuff would be loaded in one day." We were sitting on folding chairs in my empty garage, beers in hand.

"Yeah, I was worried about that too. Be that as it may, my worry was that the container we ordered from Pablo wouldn't fit all my tools, equipment, and stuff. Add to that some of my household goods that I'm taking too. There was no way I leaving my grandfather's liquor cabinet behind. And taking my recliner was a great touch too."

"Thank goodness those containers have wall and floor anchors. Tying down your tool chests and furniture makes me feel better that your stuff will arrive intact. Pablo said it would be about a month and half in transit right."

"Yup, that gives me and Rod plenty of time to choose something for me to buy. He's sent me some possibles already; one of them is even in Steve's neighborhood. With cash money, things should go quickly. And if the shipment is delayed a bit, that's fine. Just gives me a bit more time to pick a good place."