Saturday Nights in the Dorm

I woke up alone in my room, just like last Sunday. Tori was gone and, this time, hadn't left a note. I wasn't sure if I should read into anything or recognize that, with no study plans today, she really didn't need to.

Of course, she didn't need to do so last week, either, and after the experience we'd shared last night, waking up without any sign of her whatsoever left me feeling concerned about where things stood.

I tried to shake that off as I started my day. I grabbed a shower and even went down to the dining hall for breakfast for the first time since freshman year. I didn't crave the rubbery eggs, though. I thought maybe Tori would be there. She wasn't.

When I got back to the dorm, others were beginning to stir. I sat in my room for about 45 minutes, contemplating my options. I didn't want to come across weird or anything, but I was also kind of worried, and was now cursing the fact we weren't meeting at the library today.

I decided to pop down to Tori's room. I rapped on the door and waited a moment. The door opened and a very sleepy Nikki appeared.

"Hey, Tyler, what's up?"

In her bed, a shirtless Mark was moving a bit. In fact, Nikki was wearing his shirt. I wondered if she was wearing anything else.

"Oh, hey, Nikki, I was just hoping to catch Tori. Question about a study guide. Have you seen her around?"

Nikki let out a yawn. "Seen? No. I heard her rumbling around here sometime this morning, but you just woke me up, so..."

"Sorry about that," I said. "Sorry to bother you at all, no big deal. Thanks."

I walked down the hall but took a turn away from my room and toward the elevators. Maybe Tori hit the library? We weren't scheduled to study, but it wouldn't be totally out of character for either of us to change our minds and get some work done.

The air was a bit cooler this morning. Fall was definitely here. I had to urge myself to slow down and walk at a normal pace as I rushed to the library.

Tori was nowhere to be found. Not at our usual table, or in any of the smaller breakout rooms.

It was then I started to realize just how little I'd actually come to know about this girl. We spent time together in class, and at the library, and I knew she liked to go running and have breakfast. Beyond that, how did Tori spend her time, and where else could she possibly be right now?

I was simply out of answers.

Instead of heading back to the dorm I started a long walk around campus. I could use the excuse of just enjoying a nice day, but honestly I hoped I'd find Tori. Halfway through, I realized how stupid an idea that was. This campus was huge, and the chances I'd stumble across her, sitting on a bench somewhere, seemed between slim and none.

"Fuck it," I said aloud, turning back toward the dorm. Whereas this morning I'd been worried, now I found myself getting pissed. "If you want to disappear, fine."

Back at the dorm I went down to visit Mark and Chase. Mark had finally extricated himself from Nikki. Chase was hungover and felt like shit.

Still, it was a nice afternoon. Around dinner, Nikki popped in to ask Mark if he wanted to get a bite to eat. I resisted the urge to ask about Tori as he left. Chase and I ordered pizza, watched some football, and eventually I headed back to my room.

Sitting inside, TV on, I half expected to hear a knock at my door again. It never came. I shut the TV off and began what would be a restless night of sleep.

--

I was out the door and on my way to class earlier than usual on Monday morning. I wanted to be in my regular seat well before Tori arrived, and then see what happened next. The ball would be in her court.

About five minutes before class, she entered. This was much later than usual for her, and she was moving more slowly than normal. For a brief moment I wondered if she was hurt. Maybe she pulled something running on Sunday?

She crossed the lecture hall, heading in my direction, walked up to our row, and settled in beside me, not once even looking at me.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey. You alright?"

"Of course," she said. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just making sure." She turned and flashed me a smile, but it certainly wasn't her usual, relaxed, inviting grin. This was forced.

Shit.

I struggled to pay attention through the lecture, which really wasn't good for me, as I replayed the night in my mind. Did I overstep somewhere? Did I offend her somehow? Not that I recall. Fuck! Then we slept together. Did I do something in my sleep? Now I was panicking. What if I groped her, or got a hard-on in the middle of the night and she thought I was trying to fuck her? I felt sick.

Class ended and Tori said a quick goodbye. "I have an appointment with my advisor," she said. "See ya tomorrow."

Now I felt like garbage. I'd actually been allowing myself to get angry with her, but this had to be my fault. I was asleep, though! She had to know whatever happened, it wasn't anything intentional.

I barely slept Monday night, worried about the whole situation. How do you even bring it up? "Oh, so, hey, Tori, remember after we got ourselves off while watching that girl get fucked in the ass? And then we fell asleep together? Did I unconsciously assault you?" Somehow a magical night was becoming a nightmare.

It got worse on Tuesday when I got an afternoon text from Tori. "Hey, sorry, but I have to cancel our library meet tonight. Group project for my writing course." I texted back that I understood, and it wasn't a problem, but I'd been really hoping our study session would be a chance to clear the air.

Wednesday in class was exactly the same as Monday. She arrived just before the lecture, said a quick hello, and then was gone fast when class ended. On the positive side of things, she was still sitting next to me, right? But I don't know if a person that close could possibly have felt more distant.

When I got to the library Thursday I was surprised to see Margo from our class, already next to Tori. Margo joined us from time to time, and given everything that had happened already this week, it sure didn't feel like a coincidence. This was going to be our first chance to talk alone, and that wasn't happening now.

Friday, and more of the same, only this time it ended worse than any other day this week. "Oh, I can't study tomorrow," Tori said. "Sorry, but I'm heading over to Eastwick to visit a friend from high school tonight. I probably won't be back until late Saturday or Sunday."

"Oh, cool, no worries," I said, shrugging it off as best I could.

This was a disaster.

When Chase and Mark asked me to go out with them Friday night, I didn't hesitate.

"Tyler's coming out, y'all," Chase kept shouting. "Epic night incoming!"

It was pretty epic, and for the most part took my mind off of Tori. Mark spent most of the night with his lips locked on Nikki's face, while Chase and I ran the beer pong table for hours. Apparently all of this drama was good for my shot. I couldn't miss.

We probably wouldn't have gotten knocked off the table until the party was over, if not for some little blonde pixie getting all over Chase. Understandably, my friend's focus had shifted to the girl who seemed very, very interested in him, and our streak came to an end.

Back at the dorm, Chase and his girl went to his room, Mark went down the hall to Nikki's, and I closed the door behind me, left with nothing but the knowledge a hangover loomed and thoughts of my mess with Tori to occupy my mind.

I slept in Saturday, not finding my way out of my room until the early afternoon. Chase and Mark were back in their room and that's where I ended up spending my day.

"What was her name again? Lorna? Linda? Glenda?"

"Jesus, dude," Mark said. "You fucked her and can't even remember her name?"

"Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am," Chase said. "Like I said, epic night."

"Sounds like it was unforgettable," I said, drawing a good laugh from Mark.

"Oh, what-the-fuck ever," Chase said. "Like you're any better, down there with Nikki all of the time. Poor Tyler probably needs to ice his arm after you stood us both up at the beer pong table."

"Yeah, I'm not apologizing for that," Mark said. "And at least I can remember what happened."

"Oh, fuck off," Chase said. "So, what, are you two a thing now, or just fuck buddies?"

"Fuck if I know," Mark said. "I mean, definitely not a thing."

"Sure sounds like it," I said, this time drawing a good laugh from Chase.

"Fuck you," Mark said. "We're having a good time, that's all."

Between bites of pizzas and video games, the conversation continued.

"So, speaking of the lovely ladies of this floor, and whatever universe Chase's Jane Doe came from," Mark said.

"Fuck you," Chase quickly replied.

"Tyler, you and Tori, inquiring minds want to know?"

"Inquiring minds want to know what, exactly?"

"It's no secret she spent not one, but two nights in your little bachelor pad there. Tell me nothing happened."

"Nothing happened."

"Oh, bullshit," Mark said.

"Yeah? You see her anywhere around here this weekend? I don't," the angry tone clear in my voice.

"Nik said something about her visiting a high school friend. What, you already can't spend any time apart from each other?"

"Fuck off," I said, a little more bitingly than I'd intended. I tried to quickly recover. "Look, seriously, nothing happened. We're just study friends, that's all, and she needed a place to hide out while you and-"

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

"Hey, boys," Nikki said, poking her head in the door. "It stinks in here, you know?"

Chase let out a long belch in response.

"Classy as always, Chase," Nikki said, rolling her eyes.

"You're welcome," Chase replied.

"Mark, I was going to go down to McGarver Hall for dinner. You want to join me?"

"Sorry, Nikki, gonna have to pass," Mark replied. "We have pizza to eat and Nazis to kill."

"Ummmmm, OK. See you later?"

"See ya."

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Chase and I lost it.

"What," Mark said. "Have to keep her on her toes. Can't get too clingy."

"You definitely seemed anything but clingy last night when you were sucking her face," Chase said.

"Fuck off. Back to Tyler's sit-rep. You're seriously telling me she spent the night with you twice and you two didn't hook up?"

We didn't hook up, right? We masturbated on a bed together, watching hardcore porn, but I'm definitely not telling these guys that. Plus, I still don't know what the hell is happening. She could be pissed as hell. The last thing I want to do is start a rumor that we're together or something.

"We definitely did not," I replied. "We just sat around and talked about shit."

"Like dicks?"

"Bro, what the fuck are you actually talking about," Mark responded.

"Sometimes chicks like to talk about dicks," Chase replied.

"I know literally no chicks who like to talk about dicks."

"You haven't met the right chicks," Chase said.

"For the record, we did not talk about dicks," I said, while oddly enough noting that was actually a lie.

"Listen," Mark said, "I wouldn't claim to know Tori nearly as well as you do-"

"Carnal knowledge, yo," Chase said, laughing, while Mark and I just stared.

"You're going to be homeless by age 25," Mark said. "You know that, right? Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, the first time she stayed with you, I saw her later that day and I've literally never seen her happier."

I was shocked. "Interesting."

And with that, attention turned back fiercely to the video game at hand.

--

Later that night, Mark disappeared, presumably in pursuit of the woman he was not attached to. Chase and I hung around a while, gaming, having some actual conversations about school (turns out he was going to class this year, a major turnaround from his freshman strategy), and polishing off room-temperature pizza.

It was after 11 when I headed back to my room, where I nearly slipped and fell on my ass after walking through the door. "What the fuck," I shouted as I looked to the floor and spotted the reason - a folded piece of paper.

"Hoping we can talk this weekend. Let me know when you're back. Tori"

I was simultaneously thrilled and terrified. She wanted to talk? Good! But she wanted to talk? To confront me? Is she going to report me to campus police? Has she already?

I looked at myself in the mirror, wearing the same shirt I went to bed in last night. I hadn't seen the sun today, much less a shower. If I was going to have any kind of conversation with Tori, I at least owed it to her to be presentable.

Grabbing my shower stuff I walked briskly to the bathroom, where one of the other stalls was presently in use. Strange for this time of night. I entered my preferred stall, undressed, and started showering, my eyes closed as I tried to gather my thoughts for the encounter ahead.

"'Sup, dude," Mark said. I peered over the partitions and met his eyes, giving a casual nod in return. "You going out?"

"Nah, just wanted to clean up before bed. I felt gross," I said. Then I heard it. A quiet, feminine giggle. I shook my head and laughed. "And hello, Nikki."

"Hey, Tyler," a small voice said. "Sorry."

"Nope, I'll be out of your way in a second. All good."

I finished my quick shower, dried off a bit, and headed back to my room to allow the unattached couple to continue their fun.

Once inside, I dressed and picked up my phone, firing off a short text to Tori. "I'm back. I'm around whenever." Casual enough. I looked at the time. Fuck, this is stupid. She's probably already asleep. Who knows when she left that note?

My phone chimed. "Omw."

In my head I was calculating how long it would take a person to walk from Tori's room to my own. Whatever number I was coming up with, this seemed far longer. Was she having second thoughts? Maybe she wasn't actually in the dorm yet.

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

I opened the door and Tori stood before me. Beautiful, but troubled. "Can I come in?"

I wordlessly moved aside to let her pass me, then closed and locked the door behind her. The last thing I wanted was someone barging in on us while we were doing whatever this was going to be.

She stopped in the middle of the room, turned to face me, but kept her focus on the floor. "Tyler...I..."

Fuck it. I walked toward her and wrapped her in a tight embrace. This was out of character for us, to be sure. While we'd shared some intimate moments, we weren't physical with each other. Not in the slightest. I'd never actually hugged her before, but in the moment it felt right. She began to sob softly.

"Tori, I'm so, so sorry," I said. Apologizing for whatever I'd done to cause this seemed like a good start. I'd figure out what my crime was later.

She pulled back and looked at me, confused. "Tyler, what? What are you talking about? What did you do?"

Well, shit. "I...look, I'm not really sure, but whatever it was, I'm sorry, OK? We were asleep and whatever happened, I didn't do it intentionally. I need you to know that. I would never hurt you."

Tori looked utterly lost now. "Tyler, are you talking about last weekend when we slept together?" I nodded. "I don't know what you mean. Nothing happened. Did something happen?"

Now it was my turn to be totally lost. "Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know. Nothing happened? Oh, thank God. But then...wait. Huh?"

"Why would you think something happened?"

"I just figured, I mean, I woke up and you were gone, and then you were distant all week. I thought I must have touched you or done something while we were asleep. Tori, I would never disrespect you like that, OK?"

"Holy shit," Tori said, and she began to sob harder now as she moved to sit on her bed. "I'm such a fucking bitch."

I sat down next to her, my hand on her back, rubbing softly. I was relieved that apparently my conclusion was wrong, but also was growing very concerned. If it wasn't something like that, then what was going on?

Tori took a few minutes to compose herself. "Tyler, I am so, so sorry I made you feel that way. That night was nothing but amazing, and sleeping in your arms, I mean, that was the best sleep I've had, maybe ever," she said. "You did absolutely nothing wrong, OK?"

I nodded, feeling the weight of guilt I'd been carrying lift free in an instant.

"Well, I'm relieved, but I'm also really confused," I said. "If it wasn't something I did...wait, do you, like, have a boyfriend or something?"

Tori laughed. "Jesus, no, Tyler. I'm not with anybody. Just let me think and talk for a bit, OK? This might not come out right, but I promise I'll try to make it make sense at the end."

"Of course."

She sat silently for a bit, gathering herself, before beginning. She started by telling me she wasn't a virgin, which didn't seem to be an important detail, but I trusted that it would be by the end.

She'd had sex with a boyfriend in high school, close to the end of their senior year, mostly out of a belief she needed to have some experience before college. When she arrived at college, it seemed everyone was consumed with having sex, so much so that it turned her off to the idea completely. She went to parties, of course, and made out with a few guys, had a few dates, but nothing ever went very far.

"It seemed like all anyone was actually interested in was sex," she said.

She'd felt a sense of relief when recognizing me in class that first day, and appreciated all the time we spent studying.

"You were the only guy around who seemed to be paying attention to me for another reason."

Then she walked in on me a couple of weeks ago, and everything changed. Suddenly, I wasn't just her guy friend who she studied with.

"I'm sorry that I watched you, Tyler, I really am," Tori said, "but it was just...so fucking sexy. I was so turned on, I couldn't move. All of these feelings came rushing in and I couldn't process them."

At first, she didn't try, but as the day went on she couldn't stop thinking about everything, leading her back to my room that night. She thought by watching those videos with me she'd satisfied her curiosity, but instead she spent the week obsessing over everything that had happened that day.

"Me too," I said with a laugh. "Sorry, please continue."

"When I came back to your room last week, it had nothing to do with Nikki and Mark. It was because I wanted to be there. With you," she said. "I thought maybe if we started watching another video, I don't know, something would happen with us."

Now I was kicking myself. This girl was throwing out all of the signs. I fucking knew it.

"But at the same time, I wasn't sure if I wanted something to happen with us. I'm still not sure now, either."

Alright, I'm lost again. There was a long silence as Tori put her thoughts in order.

"That was so fucking hot, and then sleeping in your arms that night, I woke up feeling happier than I've felt, maybe ever," she said. "But then I panicked. I mean, I don't know if I can do any of this!"

I said nothing, just rubbing her back gently, letting her know I was there for whatever came next.

"When I woke up that day, I wanted to roll over and kiss you, Tyler," she said. Then the words started flying fast. "But then I thought about school, and our classes, and mid-terms, and I don't know if I have time for a boyfriend, and that's not fair to you, and oh my God I just stripped right in front of you and got myself off, but if I make time, I'm barely keeping my head above water as it is, and my future is important, and who fucking does that, your future is important, and then there's these girls, I mean, I had sex a few times in high school, but I can't compete with that, watching them get their asses fucked was sexy as hell, but I'm not there yet, I'm not anywhere yet, I spent all of last year basically being a prude, and now I'm behind in this, too, and what kind of girl just watches porn and masturbates in front of a friend, and how could I possibly do the things that are expected of me, and I don't want to hurt you, or ruin what we already have, and maybe you don't even like me, and it's all just, fuck!"