The Boy Scout and the Hacker

Sam's parents - Chris

Sam's parents - Chris

We barely made it to Sam's parents' house by six. Co-ed showers were not conducive to punctuality. We managed to make me presentable. I nixed the idea of the tux. Too pretentious.

We got to the door, and Sam rang the bell. I was sure she usually barged in anytime she visited, but she was almost as apprehensive as I was.

The door opened, and an older version of Sam answered. If that was the way Sam would mature, I'd take it. She looked at me then at Sam. "Where have you been?"

I cleared my throat. "Hello, Mrs. Ruskin. I'm Christopher. Chris."

She deadpanned, "I figured that out. Do you have a last name? Where do you live? What do you do? Samantha was rather closed mouth about that. Do your parents live in Chicago? Is that an engagement ring I see? What school did you attend? Are you committed to the long game?"

I looked over at Sam. "Is she the one who taught you to rattle off questions like cluster bombs? I won't answer that barrage while standing on your porch. What I will say is this: My last name is Tyler, and I have loved your daughter since the second I laid eyes on her. We fit together in so many ways that I could bore you with a multitude of similes describing our oneness. Sam is obviously a chip off you, so I'm sure I will love you also albeit in a platonic way. Will that do for now?"

I bet that Mrs. Ruskin hadn't been prepared for that. For a few seconds, she was speechless. Then she grabbed me in a big hug and said to Sam, "Well done, dear. You hit a homer on your first at-bat." I thought,What is this baseball hangup?Then she whispered in my ear, "Welcome to the family, Chris."

I was so relieved I almost collapsed. I had passed the first challenge. Dr. Ruskin would be next, then Shay, then Sam's two brothers. I suspected Shay would be the toughest. Not only was I aiming to be a part of her family, but also part of her business. Tomorrow would be fun.

Mrs. Ruskin finally let me in the door. Once I got in, Dr. Ruskin pounced. "So, I hear you are Christopher Chris and for some reason, you plan to marry my daughter. Just so you know, we are not wealthy, so if you're a gold digger, dig elsewhere. I won't and can't offer a dowry. My only daughter is smarter than me and probably smarter than you. Not only that, she is headstrong and stubborn. Know what you're getting yourself into. If I had known Mrs. R as well prior to marriage, I might have chickened out. That said, this whole relationship has been rather compressed, and you neglected to ask me for permission to marry my little girl. Any response?"

I tried not to act cowed, but I was. "Sir, I will say more or less the same thing I did to your wife. I can't imagine another woman in the world that I would rather share a life with. She bosses, but she also listens and has no problem with compromise. If you can handle Mrs. Ruskin, I can handle Sam. I am in awe of her and love her to the core. My father is dead, so you will have to do as a substitute. Can you handle that?"

He burst out laughing. "My God! You don't back down, do you? You are very different from Samantha, but in a totally compatible way. Bravo! You may call me Jim for the time being. Down the line, you can choose between that and Dad. Whichever you're most comfortable with."

Mrs. Ruskin added her two cents. "We are going to have so much fun. You take it and you dish it out. That's what this family does. Call me Jackie, short for Jacqueline, at least until you're married. Then you have permission to call me Mom if you see fit. Or Grandma, if the occasion calls for it."

We went in and sat at the dining room table. Jackie had thrown together a delicious meal on less than three hours' notice. "What were you two up to for the last two weeks?"

I made the assumption they only wanted to hear work-related stuff. Our extracurriculars were not their business. "Well, I'm a consultant. I help individuals or governments when they need my skills. In this case, a man wanted me to get his money back from some crooks who had run a huge scam on him. I thought that with a computer expert, I could accomplish the objective faster. Sam agreed to help, and both of us had been moving toward a permanent relationship, so we took the job."

"What are these skills you referred to? The movies always portray ex-CIA types doing contract killings and the like."

"No, no! It's nothing like that. Yes, I've had Special Forces training, and I was in the CIA for a while, but that was years ago. I am pretty non-violent. I just have a knack for tracking down people."

"So, no guns."

I was in the hot seat and wanted out badly. Sam came to my rescue.

"I tracked the money to Switzerland, so we flew there. Chris has contacts there who supplied us with a long list of similar cases. We called each of them to gather information on the couple responsible for the thefts. I did additional money tracking, and he did additional personal interviews, the combination of which led us to the perps. I mean crooks. Anyhow, once we were certain we had found the right twosome, we handed everything to the police. I drained their numbered bank account in Basel and repatriated it to the victims. We are currently awaiting word from Chris's police contact about whether he was able to make an airtight case and arrest the man and woman."

Jackie looked dumbfounded. "My daughter did all that? I guess you call that white collar crime, and investigating it is perfectly safe, right?"

I gave her what she wanted to hear. "We encountered no violence at any time." That we drove around with a full arsenal for two weeks in anticipation of potential shooting did not need mentioning. Nor was the fact that their daughter was now the proud owner of a collapsible knee smasher and had some rudimentary martial arts under her belt, just in case.

Having sidestepped that hurdle, I told of the wonderful vacationy things we did in our free time. Like staying in an alpine chalet; proposing; running up and down mountain trails; swimming in an ice-cold mountain stream; visiting friends in Paris whose daughter I had rescued from kidnappers; and exploring Zürich, Basel, Milan, Paris, Marseille, and Dublin. I neglected to mention that our chalet stay was sexually hot, the proposal was in the nude, the swimming was skinny-dipping, and the side trip through Marseille was to purchase weaponry from a floating gun shop.

Sam assisted in my efforts to divert and downplay. She held up her left ring finger. "Chris's proposal resulted in this. We were going to wait until we got back here and go to C.D. Peacock, but I had spotted this in a little jewelry store in Zürich and loved it though I hadn't mentioned it at the time. Chris had picked up my vibe, and as we were passing by the store a second time, he walked in, went to the ring, looked at me, I nodded, and he bought it. Quick, painless, and beautiful."

Her mother said, "I'm glad you pointed it out. I hadn't noticed it."

"You lie!" Sam shrieked. "Nobody--on the streets of Zürich, at the gun shop, on the plane, or in the airports--has been able to take their eyes off it!"

Jackie grinned. "Every girl feels like that when she first puts on an engagement ring. Wow, did I suck you in? Don't worry, I noticed it the second I saw you, and it is indeed beautiful. Chris, since you didn't do the choosing, I can't compliment you on your taste, but you are definitely perceptive. Wait!Gun shop?"

"Oops. Sorry, Chris."

I quickly interjected, "I generally carry a weapon on a job. I have no authority to bring a gun into the EU, so I had to hit the black market. We knew nothing about these people or how dangerous they might be. I told the truth. We were never in any danger. We stopped back through Marseille on the way home and sold everything back."

Dr. Ruskin, not Jim, spoke up. "So, you took my daughter into a potentially dangerous situation without a second thought? You have a lot of nerve. I was inclined to like you. Now I have my doubts."

"Wait a minute here!" shouted Sam. "You can't talk to my fiancé like that. I regularly drive cars at up to 200 mph for fun. I'm not a shrinking violet. Chris has been extremely careful and respectful. He treats me like an equal even though I'm a novice. He realizes everyone has to start somewhere, so he'll train me in self-defense and will only allow me to touch a gun after proper instruction and approval by authorities. I never enlisted in the armed forces because I had no interest, not because I was afraid. What Chris does interests me, and I fully intend to keep partnering with him. If you don't trust me or Chris, we have a big problem."

That was my girl! She had fire and gumption. Hopefully, she still had parents. Each day, I discovered more reasons to justify my impulsive romantic actions after meeting her at the party.

Silence loomed. Both Sam's parents were red in the face and breathing heavily but were gradually calming down.

Jackie made the first move toward a truce. Females were protective but forgiving. Jackie took a deep breath and suggested we move to the living room. "Samantha made a valid point. She is twenty-six and hasn't killed herself yet. I can tell both of you are head-over-heels in love, and I trust Christopher will not jeopardize the woman he has asked to marry him. Your brothers and their families will show up in about ten minutes."

Whoa! Sandbagged much. Now I was going to have to justify myself to Sam's older brothers. She told me that Shay beat up bullies for her, but her athletic brothers were probably equally protective. I was willing to draw down on Hoss but wasn't too sure about Jerry and Greg. She hasn't even mentioned their families, so I wasn't sure what reinforcements were arriving.

As Sam and I were lowering ourselves onto the couch, the front door crashed open, and a horde of people rushed in. Maybehordeis too strong. Two men, two women, and a hundred ankle biters. Again, hyperbole. Two boys and two girls ranging in age from perhaps eight to twelve. The men were in their late thirties and no longer looked dangerously athletic. I could take them in a pinch. The women looked like bigger challenges. Pilates, yoga, and treadmills yielded tight bodies that weren't likely to run to fat soon. The kids seemed relatively well-behaved though they swarmed their aunt with a lot of love.

I stood, and Sam stuck close by my side. "Hi, I'm Chris Tyler, your sister's brand-new fiancé. Show them the ring, Sam, so they will stop glaring at me."

They broke into smiles. The kids started shouting, "Aunt Samantha's getting married! We are going to have another uncle. Yay!"

Greg stepped forward and introduced himself and his wife, Ginny. "Welcome aboard. I'm sure you have already told the story of your whirlwind romance, but we'll need to hear too."

Then Jerry came up and hugged Sam. "Hey, Sis, it's about time." He then turned to me and shook my hand. "I'm the handsome brother, Jerry, and this is my wife, Fran. Two of those kids are mine and two are Greg's. I can never remember which is which. Kids, come here and shake your future uncle's hand and tell him who you are and who is forced to claim you when you get in trouble."

They thronged around me, shouting their names, intent on confusing me. "I'm Jan and I'm twelve." "I'm Tony and I'm eight. Jan's my sister and those are our parents." It was impossible to tell who he was actually pointing at. "I'm Patrick--Pat--and I'm ten." He pointed to the last kid and said, "That's Susie. She is my sister. She's also ten. She's shy. Those are my parents." He also pointed indiscriminately. I still had no idea who belonged to whom. I was sure I would figure it out.

Jan spoke for everyone. "Tell us about you!"

I began to sketch myself in a way that would answer both kids and adults. "I've lived in Chicago my entire life, graduating from Johns Hopkins with a B.A. and Northwestern with an M.A. in psychology. We, meaning Aunt Sam and I, live in Wicker Park in a converted chemical plant. I have several people living inside me that sometimes come out. In there are a super-spy, an action hero, and a kid."

Everyone looked at me like I had a third eye. The kids were confused, and the adults were worried. Time to abandon that approach. "Naturally, I don't have actual extra people inside me. I just mean that sometimes I need to be tough in my work, but I'm a lot of fun with kids." We all gave a sigh of relief that was over. I went on to tell them a little about our recent European job. "Sam and I returned today from Europe, where we tracked down two criminals, reclaimed over six million dollars in stolen money, and got it back into twenty-two victims' hands. She and I are a super team.

"I have three nieces that you will probably meet when you come to our first annual Thanksgiving/Christmas family holiday gathering, date and time to be determined after we coordinate our calendars.

"I don't know whether Sam and I will be married by the time of our get-together. I'm told by Aunt Sam that will be in Grandma Ruskin's capable hands. Surprise, Jackie! You will be fully in charge of getting us hitched. Keep it simple and smallish. Inform us of date, time, and place, and we will be there."

Sam jumped in. "It was my intention to approach you a bit more subtly, but I trust you more than me. I only care aboutbeingmarried, notgettingmarried. I realize I am your only daughter, and you may have the urge to splurge, but I agree with Chris. We want simple and meaningful. Partying isn't our style."

I had a feeling that Jackie had been planning this in her head for years. She looked pleased but also disappointed. Nevertheless, she grinned and said, "I'm in!"

We had years to get to know each other better. Right now, it was a school night and work night, and everyone needed to get to bed. There were hugs all around, and we departed for home. Sam sat as close as possible and looked at me with a satisfied smile. "I think you passed."

She was asleep by the time we reached our house. We stumbled up the stairs, took off our clothes and hung them up, then tumbled into bed. Our bed, for the first time. I had made a stop at Bed and Bath to buy some silk sheets because... I had heard someone say they are sexy. We could roll around and do all kinds of fun stuff! We fell onto the sheets like trees and immediately went to sleep like logs. Woke up ready to face the next challenge.

Shay.

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The Interview - Sam

The Interview - Sam

I called Shay as soon as I was vertical. When she answered, I said, "Hi, Shay. Guess who?"

Uh oh. Dead silence then thunderous shouting. "Where thehellhave you been? Nothing since, 'Chris and I are heading to Europe.' I have a business to run. And I try my damnedest to keep you from doing stupid things. Is this Christopher person going to look out for you like I have for twenty-one years? Speak!"

I felt like I had been bitch-slapped and started crying. Not much, but I know Shay heard it in my voice. "I'm so sorry. It has been a whirlwind, and I was having so much fun, and we caught crooks, and we are Robin Hood and Marian, and we are engaged, and Chris met the family last night, and I moved into his house yesterday after we landed at O'Hare, and I still love you, but I love him too."

"O... K. That leaves me with a lot to process. Give me a second," she said. Finally, she continued. "This is the guy you met three months ago, right? You have never even had a boyfriend in twenty-six years, right? I was all set to begin interviewing for our third person, and now you're going to let this unknown dude pull you away, destroy my business plan, and ruin our friendship just because you had a fun vacation with him. I am really pissed!"

"No, no! It's not like that at all. Yes, I had great fun helping him, but he has no intention of pulling me away. He knows how close we are. He also sees why your company is successful and set to expand and his one-person operation barely survives. You!

"Would you consider making him your first interview for the third spot? Then he won't be an unknown dude, and you can evaluate his skill set and how it might fit with ours."

"Alright. I can see you're trying to ride on top of an avalanche down to the bottom of the mountain. It's exciting but dangerous. I've been there. Come in at your usual time, and I'll allot three hours to interview him. Any runaway bride issues I bring up will fall on deaf ears, butImake the decisions concerning the businessIstarted. I brought you in because I love you and I love your skills. Your Christopher better bring his A-game."

I turned toward Chris and covered the phone. "She loves the idea." Then I uncovered and said, "8:00 it is. By the way, Mom is in charge of planning the wedding, and I sure would like you to be involved. And prepare to mark your calendar, because Chris and I are having a First Annual Family Holiday Gathering during the holiday season, date TBD. You are my sister, and youwillcome. Chris cooks! And you'll love our place. See you in the morning." I hung up.

Chris smiled. "I could hear enough coming from your phone to know she definitely doesnotlove the idea. It will be up to me to convince her otherwise. Hell, if I convinced you to marry me, I can convince anybody of anything. I am invincible!"

His optimism was so cute. The idiot. He had not met Shay or seen the Shay Face. He was in deep doo-doo.

Our European adventure had been fun, but I hadn't had my favorite breakfast in weeks. I broke out the cereal and that newly opened gallon of milk and dug into a wholesome breakfast of sugar. While I was crunching--I hate leaving cereal to get soggy--Chris's phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, but I saw it was from Europe. I crossed my fingers and kept crunching.

He answered with, "Hello? This is Christopher Tyler."

"Allo. Jean-Pierreici." He was trying to be funny. He spoke English better than I did. Chris put him on speaker. "I wanted to update you on the situation here. Your plan to lure M. and Mme. Daenzer to Basel worked like a charm. There was a bit of a wrinkle that actually facilitated the entire operation. When they saw police cars with flashing lights surrounding the bank, they rushed out and began shooting. We managed to disable, disarm, and arrest them. Interpol easily obtained a warrant for a search of their house in Sèvres to be served by the French gendarmes."

Chris cleared his throat. "I wonder if they really planned those scams. They don't seem smart enough."

"Well, they kept great records. In the house, the French found business cards in the names of every alias they had used, banking records, written plans, brochures and assorted other damning evidence. It was like a cornucopia.Les escrocswere spitting mad both at being arrested and at having their money disappear. Actually, Mme. Daenzer reallydidspit at us."

Chris tried to stifle a laugh. "I just had this vivid picture of a llama with big boobs." I couldn't prevent the same picture from entering my mind.

J-P continued. "Interpol has pulled their files on the scams and filled in the missing blanks with what I supplied. I don't see how the Daenzers can avoid long prison terms.

"Apparently, most of the victims have reported that someone named Robin Hood had returned much of their lost funds, and they expressed sincere gratitude. It's a total mystery who this Robin Hood is and what could have happened, but nobody wishes to waste time pursuing it. I feel somewhat guilty accepting the accolades that belong to you, but it is what you wanted. There have been hints of a promotion. My sincere thanks for your industrious and novel work here. Please drop in and visit me and Birgitta any time you're in Zürich. Of course, don't forget to bring the wonderful Samantha."