Transference

Session 10

Every good story has a turning-point. A moment that divides everything before it from everything after it. It might be easy to believe that the turning point in this story has already happened. Maybe the moment when Gina chose to gratify herself while sitting 5 feet from me? That was an important moment, but not the turning point. How about her giving me a flash of ass? Nice as it was, it wasn't that singular moment in time when things went from manageable to simply out of control. That moment came next. Interestingly enough, Gina wasn't even present for it.

Once again, things had seemed to fall back into our usual routine in session: Gina talked, I listened or vice versa. She had been working on mindfulness outside of sessions and seemed to find some calming comfort in the meditative attending that was such an integral part of it.

I had been doing some attending of my own lately. On Gina. Way more than any other client. Way more than is healthy. Every waking moment was occupied with Gina in some small way. Not obsessively, but enough that I was losing sleep and wondering what the outcome of Gina and myself continuing to work together would become. The concept of transference has a partner concept: countertransference. And I was experiencing it. Big time. Countertransference describes the feelings a therapist has for their client. Just like with transference, it's unavoidable. It's going to happen. And we have to find healthy ways to handle it that don't interfere with our client's treatment. Unlike clients, therapists are generally discouraged from acknowledging erotic countertransference toward their client in session. That screws up treatment because then the focus of treatment changes from the client to both the client and the therapist. We are supposed to seek supervision. Me being the prideful guy that I am, I minimized and rationalized the problem. And if there's anything I'm really good at, it's those things.

So far, at least in my mind, I hadn't necessarily broken any obvious rules. Some would argue that I should have intervened when Gina masturbated in front of me, but a legitimate argument could be made for simply allowing her to be her and being okay with that expression. Others would also say that I should have referred out at the point I started to recognize potential trouble. I'm not that smart. I was going to fight my way through this.

My feelings of countertransference were purely sexual and erotic. Gina didn't remind me of anyone from my past. I was completely aware that any feelings she might have had for me were also empty, so I wasn't responding to any need to be loved or desired. Frankly, at this point, I just wanted in her pants. In the same fashion as I ticked off most of the things that Gina looks for in a sexual partner, Gina also checked off most of those same boxes on my own checklist. My checklist includes things like youthful beauty, natural beauty, wisdom beyond years, a lack of self-censorship, slightly damaged but not beyond hope and last, but certainly not least, that ass.

It was an unseasonably mild Sunday evening and my wife had gone to bed a tad later than usual and I was feeling like I just wanted to get on my computer, check Facebook and just chill for a bit before I followed my wife to bed.

I knew I was digging myself a hole as soon as the thought crossed my mind. Just an innocent thought about a client that 99% of the time would amount to nothing. It was strange that I had never thought of it before.

I wonder if I could find some of those cam videos Gina talked about making?

When I look back on it, I am ashamed at the lack of consideration I had for the potential consequences in that moment. This moment that should have been so avoidable had now become this story's turning point.

The internet has a long memory. It really only takes a little bit of "Google-Fu" and you can find out a ton about most anyone. Gina had given me all the info I needed in order to track down what I wanted. Oddly enough, her name is the least useful piece of the puzzle when you really want to go looking -- it's all the 'handles' that she uses. Given a few of those and enough patience and a few key pieces of info, you're off to the races. It turned out to be her e-mail address that unlocked the door to my fantasy land. I had her e-mail and phone number and several of the popular "Pic-Chat" apps will search for matches via these common things. Once I had the handle she used on the chat app, I excitedly typed it into a basic search engine and pressed the little rectangular button.

The button press that changed my life.

What I saw at the bottom of the first page of search results caused my heart to start drumming in my chest: "Pic dump of my cheating whore ex-girlfriend" was the title in the link. I clicked on the link and all at once what was a drumming heart a moment ago had suddenly begun to cause my whole body to tremble. The first picture at the top of the page was Gina's face. The angle and field of view indicated that the picture was a "selfie." Right next to the picture were the words, "all right guys I'm posting a few pics of my cheating ex. She luvs sucking dix and the crazy bipolar bitch can't get enough of other guys. Hope u all enjoy seeing the tramp." I stared at the screen for what seemed like hours. I could only see the first two pictures of what appeared to be a pretty long thread. I saw Gina's pretty face and the next picture was a pic of just her legs in those tight charcoal leggings she wore the first day we met. I knew where this was headed and I wanted to savor this moment. I refused to scroll down. I clicked on the first two pictures to bring up the full-sized versions and saved them to a folder on my desktop. I performed this action so slowly and methodically, like a disposal unit defusing a live ordnance. I wanted to make sure I was in complete control of my faculties while doing this thing I knew was wrong. It was important that I knew for myself that I was intentionally choosing to do it. I didn't just stumble here like some drunk guy in a back alley of the World Wide Web. I came here all on my own.

I thought my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets at the sight of the next two pictures. The first was a picture of those same legs, only this time there were no leggings and the only thing covering any part of them were the most perfect pink thong bikini bottoms. I was mesmerized. I could never get used to seeing that well-tuned, sculpted behind.

The next shot was from the front and was a close-up shot of those same pink bikini bottoms, only this time those pink bottoms were being pulled to the side to reveal the treasure underneath. And there I was transfixed by the sight of the Gina's patch only partially hidden in the shadows of the pink undies. Again, I carefully went through the simple process of saving those two photos to the proper folder on my computer. Savouring the moment; burning it into my memory. As I did this, I became aware of my throbbing cock, pumping like the member of a kid half my age.

Just when I thought my luck couldn't get any better, I scrolled down and saw the next three photographs. Ignoring all the comments posted by the viewers of the thread, my eyes settled on a "mirror shot." A mirror shot consists of the subject taking a selfie of themselves in a mirror, in order to provide a wide enough field of view to capture the person's whole figure. And what a figure this one captured! Gina was standing facing a large blank wall, likely in a bathroom, and was snapping a shot of herself over her shoulder in the opposing mirror. Gina was completely nude in the shot. Her long, blonde hair flowed gently down her shoulders and the arm that was not holding the camera phone was outstretched and was propping her up against the wall. And then the ass. The bare ass that had only been glimpsed for a few seconds in the office's security camera was now on full display. Her legs were spread apart just enough that the outline of her pussy was plainly visible underneath her ass cheeks. This pose is my porn "kryptonite." Honestly, if I had been killed in a freak accident in that moment, I would have died a totally satisfied man. Oh, but life still had a few more surprises in store for me...

The next two shots combined left nothing to the imagination. In the first, Gina was lying on a bed on her side with legs spread and the non-picture-taking hand was grabbing a cheek and spreading, so that her tiny pinkish brown asshole was clearly visible just south of her pretty pink pussy. The light, blonde hairs of her crotch were just barely peeking through her closely, shaven skin. They reminded me of fuzz on a ripe, plump, juicy peach. The second shot was the "money shot." It was essentially a close-up of Gina's swollen, reddened pussy, completely shaven and not just wet, but dripping juices down toward that puckered asshole. To this day, I'm amazed that my jeans managed to contain my cock from punching a hole straight through.

There were a handful more shots of varying subject matter, but at this point, my mind was a jumble of emotions and hormones. I felt dirty and dumbstruck and most of the rest of the shots weren't really registering in my awareness. There was a sunbathing shot outside in a swimsuit, there were a few more underwear shots, and even a topless shot of those amazing tiny breasts. But they were all a blur. I was saving all the pics to my hard drive on autopilot, no longer thinking.

Once I had all the photos saved in my PC, I sat back in my chair and just stared at the aftermath. I had accomplished what I set out to: I had seen Gina's body revealed in all its glory. In my mind, I felt as though the evening's breach of privacy had somehow leveled the playing field in my sexual battle with Gina.

****

In my lifetime, I've looked at lots of porn. LOTS of porn. I've seen pictures of friends, relatives, celebrity crushes. I've run across the occasional provocative photo of a client or ex-client online. I've watched countless videos. I've made videos of my wife and myself and posted them online. I've enjoyed myself looking at sex and nudity. But I have never looked as forward to viewing porn as I did all day the following day. I had intentionally closed out all the photos of Gina and gone to bed, feeling both ashamed and aroused. As the following day rolled around, my shame diminished in the face of intense anticipation for what I knew was going to be one of the greatest spank sessions I've ever had that evening.

And it was. It was indeed.