Walkabout

Tommy held up his glass and, "To the future!" Everybody took a sip; Gail's was more of a gulp. She felt like she needed the extra courage from the red liquid. She was so afraid of what Tommy was going to say. Would he take her back? Would he be coming home? Tommy looked way too relaxed compared to how her insides were in turmoil.

Tommy reached for the bread basket and grabbed a couple of pieces of the delicious Boudin sourdough and exclaimed, "Man I missed this bread, nobody makes a better sourdough anyplace I've been."

Gail shuddered, just where had he been? Was he going to tell them?

"I know you guys have a million questions and I intend to answer all of them. I'm sure my leaving to go walkabout must have come as a shock to you, and I'm sorry for that. Let's all just relax and enjoy our meal. I better stop with the bread; I won't have any room for my entre."

"Tommy, when are you coming home? If I'm going to fix things between us I need you at home with me." There Gail had stated the most important thing for her; she hoped she was getting through to him.

"Let's leave that question for a bit later in the conversation. So let me start at the beginning, that day when Marsha Parsons came to my office. You all know most of the facts surrounding what she had to say, Gail and William had been cheating for six years on her Chicago trips, yadda yadda yadda. I won't rehash all that. But what you don't know, and I didn't share with the kids was how profoundly affected I was by all of Marsha's revelations. It's no exaggeration to say that my whole world was rocked on its foundations."

"Please let me explain Gail, when you agreed to be my wife, I immediately went into a mode of being where everything I did, I did it because I loved you. When I went to work, I make sure to do the best I could on everything because I loved you and I want to provide well for you. When I came home, everything I did around the house was because I loved you. My whole life was dedicated to loving you. Anything else didn't even enter my mind. You were my world, Gail. And when Andrew came along our world just got bigger and better. I know it's kinda trite, but I considered myself a devoted family man."

"So when Marsha shared all the details of your cheating, my brain almost couldn't comprehend it. I had been living a fantasy; the woman I loved wasn't the woman I thought she was. She wasn't the loyal woman I had built my whole life around. It was quite a shock. In those few moments everything changed, the sky was the same color; I was outwardly the same guy. But inside I became a totally different person."

"Tommy you have to know I never stopped loving you. Those two weeks a year with William didn't take anything from you, I had to go to Chicago anyway. It didn't mean anything, you have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you so much."

"You bring up several good points Gail. And from your perspective they are all true, and heartfelt. For me it's a slightly different story. You see I came away from those meetings with Marsha a changed man. Just how changed I didn't realize at first. And that's why I needed to get away. I wasn't running from anything, or running away. I needed to go to a place where I could really absorb what I had learned. Also to try to understand how I had been changed. And changed I was. It took me a bit to figure out where my head was at. Oh yeah, about where I went. I went to Maui. I spend a couple days by the pool at a hotel, then jumped on a cruise ship, we stopped in Cabo on the way back, and now I've been back for about a week, staying here in the hotel."

"You've been back for a week!? Why didn't you come home!? I've been worried sick; nobody knew where you had gone. And Barbara wasn't telling me anything!"

"Gail, I'll get to that in just a bit. But first let me finish telling you what my navel gazing revealed to me. I tell you, sitting out there by the pool was the perfect place for me to figure out where I stood in the universe. The first thing I tried to wrap my mind around was that you had broken our wedding vows. And of course what did that mean to me. You see, Marsha's revelations changed me, a seismic shift had occurred. I was literally a different man; I looked at the world differently. I guess you could say that my eyes were opened to the reality behind the fantasy I had been living."

"But Tommy, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Nothing had changed between us! I'm still the same girl you married. I never took anything from you while I was home. I was, I am, your wife. Nobody else matters to me."

"Yes, I agree, you're the same person you always have been. But there is a part of you that nobody but you and William knew about. You are a cheater; you are a person who carried on an affair while you were married with a man who was himself married. You lied by omission about this other life you had in Chicago. In other words, you presented to us only one facet of your life. The other part you kept hidden, and secret from your real family."

Just then the waiter came back to ask about their dinner orders. Luckily while they had been listening, Andrew and Shirley had been using the menus to avoid looking at the older couple. So they were able to quickly order. Tommy ordered a steak, and thinking quickly Gail the salmon.

"Tommy, that's all over now. My uhm, my time with William is over. I'm never going to see him again. I'm all yours, just like I always have been."

"Well, I'm not going to argue the point with you. Except to say that you were certainly not 'all mine' while you were shacked up with William for two weeks a year. For the last six years."

"You have to stop harping on that. All that is in the past, you have to come home so we can get on with the rest of our lives."

"Again you make a good point Gail. You see that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you, what I've been doing. That morning when I read the private investigators report, it fundamentally changed who I was. At that moment I ceased to be Gail's husband. You broke our wedding vows, our bond was shattered. From that moment I realized I was no longer who I had been. Somebody, in this case Marsha, explained to me that I was not who and what I thought I was."

"Thomas Baker, you are exactly who you have always been. Strong, intelligent, loyal, a great husband and father."

"That may be what it looks like from the outside, but inside I'm very different. You may see me the way you always have; your husband, solid, dependable, good ol' Tommy. You're not getting the essential point here Gail. You broke our wedding vows - you effectively changed the nature of our relationship. I just didn't know it until recently. Just like you're not the person we all thought you were, I'm not the person you thought I was either. Everything I did in the week before I went walkabout was me adjusting to that new reality."

"Tommy, what have you done?" Gail was beginning to hear the message Tommy was trying to convey.

"I'm not trying to be obtuse; I'm trying to use simple language. You broke our wedding vows, which means you broke our marriage. I'm not your husband anymore. The moment I learned about your cheating was the moment I realized I was alone."

"But Tommy, you're not alone. You have me, I'm your wife. I always came home to you. And I've been home this whole time waiting for you. Come home; let me prove to you how much I love you."

"The house you live in is not my home. I don't have a home; I have places where I sleep, places where I eat. But I don't have a home, I don't have a wife. You took all that from me when you cheated. Look, I'm not trying to beat you up over this. I'm trying to explain how I felt, how I feel, and how that's changed everything for me. I will always cherish the years we spent together; we made a lot of good memories. But that's all in the past now. And that's why I never read the transcripts of your trysts, looked at the pictures or video. I didn't want to have those images be how I remember you."

"But Tommy, none of that really matters. All that matters is that I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Their entrees arrived and the distraction gave everybody a chance to breathe.

As they began to eat, "Papa, what are you trying to say? I think I get it, but even though you're using plain language as you say, I'm not quite sure I get it." Andrew was trying to mimic his father's conversational tone. But he was beginning to get the message that the Papa he knew was no longer in the picture.

"You know how in some cultures the marriage ceremony is just jumping over a broom, or exchanging simple gifts? Regardless of the way in which two people do it, marriage is a pledge, a vow. To love, cherish, trust, and protect the other person forever. In our case, your mom's and mine, we had a church wedding with all the trimmings. And we had a promise, and part of that promise was to be true to one another. Your mom broke that promise when she shared herself with William. Broken promise, broken marriage. Does that make it clearer?"

Shirley jumped in, "So papa, you realized your marriage was broken and you went walkabout to figure out what that meant?"

"That's almost it. I realized the broken part right away, that was when my insides changed. I realized I didn't have a marriage any more. All the rest was me trying to figure out what I was going to do next."

"Tommy what you're going to do next is come home. I have to get you home so I can fix things. To mend our broken marriage, to use your terms. Just because it may be broken right now, doesn't mean we can't repair it, make it better." Gail was starting to get desperate listening to Tommy speak with such finality.

"Let me change the subject a little bit to what I want to happen next. Which is why I wanted you here Andrew. Instead of fully retiring, I'd like to stay on in a consultant role, part time at first. You're the boss, no changing that. But I'd like to take on some of the more fun assignments, or tough ones. You decide. And be around enough for you to be able to lean on me if you need it. I've realized the new me still wants to work."

"But Tommy, we were going to travel. Our retirement was going to be hanging out together, spending time doing fun stuff, travel, hobbies. Just like we always talked about." Gail was starting to get a real bad feeling.

"Let me come back to that. Andrew, do you think what I'm asking would be OK with you?"

"Of course Papa. Even if it only lasts a couple more years it would be a comfort keeping you around for a bit longer. Wait 'till I tell Janet." Andrew smiled at Shirley and she squeezed his hand.

"But Tommy, how about what I want? I want you back home. I want you to stop talking about all this nonsense and let's get on with the rest of our lives - together."

"I'm very sorry Gail, but this new version of Tom Baker you see in front of you does not want any of that. And since that Monday and its revelations, I have been getting on with the rest of my life. A life without you in it. You took yourself out of my future when you started your affair with William. Again, you broke our marriage. And I walked away from the broken pieces of our life together and moved on. I'm not coming back to you."

"No Tommy, don't say that. Come home with me, we can fix this. I love you so much, I can't live without you."

By now Tommy's steak was mostly gone. It had been delicious. He hadn't let his talking interfere with enjoying the meal. He'd stayed calm and collected. He said what needed to be said in a reasonable manner. That Gail had not been able to hear him was as expected. Andrew and Shirley hadn't said much so they were just about done with their meals too. Gail had hardly made it through half of her salmon. She was still in denial. He signaled the waiter and asked for him to take his plate and bring back a dessert menu.

"Gail, you haven't yet accepted our new reality. You've been fooling yourself for so long thinking you could lead a double life and there would be no consequences. You had gotten away with your cheating for six years, and I'm afraid it blinded you to what might happen if you and William were found out. This last month you've been focused on getting back to your life, trying to put the pieces back together. Did you look at all the evidence Marsha shared? If not I'll make sure Barbara gets you a copy of everything. You should read through it all, look at the pictures and video. Again I have not. Imagine what I would think, or feel, if I looked at that stuff. I assure you I have no intention of ever doing that. But it might help you understand why we're going our separate ways. You need to realize what you've done, what sharing your most intimate self with William has done. You didn't just break our marriage, you dissolved it. There are no pieces to put back together."

"Noooo, Tommy don't say that. I love you, you're my everything. William didn't mean anything in the long run. He was just a fling. And again I want to say, I was only with him in Chicago. When I was home with you I was entirely yours. I didn't even think about him when I was home. Please come back to me."

Tommy signaled the waiter again, "Can I please have a piece of the chocolate cake, the gateau. And a decaf latte. Please everybody, order some dessert."

After the coffee was poured and the desserts brought out Tommy got a serious look, "So here's what I'd like to happen next. I'm going to have to get my own place to live, I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in the Bay Area or move somewhere else. At any rate, Andrew I'd like to be able to work remotely. Gail, I think it best that we sell the house, or you can buy me out. I'll need those funds to make a purchase. You have your retirement and I have mine. We can figure out an equitable split about all our other assets."

Gail couldn't have looked more distraught, "But I don't want a divorce. Tommy I don't want to lose you."

"Well, I really don't care about a divorce actually. As far as I'm concerned our marriage was over the moment you got intimate with William. Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole about this Gail, but you have to come to terms with the facts."

"Tommy you can't leave me, what am I going to do without you?"

"Gail on that point I want to be perfectly clear. YOU left me, YOU dissolved our marriage. YOU kept it a secret for six years, but the fact remains that it's been over since then. I just didn't know it until last month. The moment I realized what you had done, I started living 'the rest of my life'. There is no US any more, divorce or not. That's just paperwork to me. We'll still see each other at family functions, hopefully when grandkids start coming, and who knows what else."

Tommy signaled for more coffee and sat back satisfied that he'd finally gotten his message across. He hadn't gotten upset, he'd stayed on point. Now it was for Gail, and Andrew, to adapt to the new reality.

"Papa, so where does that leave us, meaning me and Shirley? Is this new version of you still my dad?"

"On that score my son you can rest assured. None of these changes are because of you, or have changed one iota how much I love you or how proud I am of you. Don't ever doubt that." Tom reached across to grasp Andrew by the shoulder and give him an affectionate squeeze.

----

The following Wednesday:

Gail was already seated when Tom walked into the restaurant. Mistral had a great menu, was right on the water, and even though it was October, Bay Area weather stayed nice enough to eat outside.

Tom walked up to Gail's table and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for meeting me Gail; I'm hoping we can have a good discussion about things. Have you ordered a beverage yet?"

"Tommy, I want you to come home so we can work on things and get past my time with William. I really do love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Tommy smiled but sighed inwardly, Gail didn't seem to have gotten with the new plan. He would have to be gentle, but firm. "I'm afraid I won't be able to do that. I had hoped to discuss with you the disposition of the house. Have you given any thought of whether you want to sell, or buy me out? It might be a chance for you to move into a smaller place, a condo or something."

"No I have not, my only thoughts have been about how to get you to come back home." Gail had on her stubborn face. The one Tommy had almost always given in to. That was not going to work anymore.

"Ok, I'm not going to force you to do anything. I'll talk to Barbara and figure out an equitable division of our assets that includes you keeping the house. I'm sure we can figure out how to do that so everything is fair." With that he signaled for the waiter, and ordered a Chablis.

"Tommy, you have to give me a chance to make it up to you. To show you how much I love you. To make amends for how much I've hurt you."

"You know I look at you and see the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. My partner. But I've been made aware that what I see is not the whole picture. I have tried to stay civil, to stay cool about what's happened. I haven't said a harsh word to you, or about you for that matter. And I really think I can keep doing that, despite what you've done. I guess we're all different, some guys might have gone off the deep end, or had a revenge affair. Or just disappeared.

"But I haven't done any of that, maybe my makeup is different than most men. But I can tell you with certainty that we are over. I have made some tentative moves to get on with my life, like the working arrangement with Andrew. I'm still figuring out the rest. Gail, you're not part of any of that. I'm going to spend the rest of my life without you."

"But Tommy!"

"Gail, let me finish. What you did with William could be described a bunch of different ways, some cruder that others. But I don't even go there; I don't even put a label to your actions. And the fact that it was over the course of six years really doesn't matter to me. The only thing that matters is that you broke your vows; and you can't un-ring that bell."

"Furthermore my walking away from you is not a form of punishment or retribution. It's truly is just me getting on with my life, without you. Please don't make this any harder than it has to be. We had a great run, we accomplished more than most couples. But that's over now. You have to come to accept that."

"No, no I most certainly will not. You are my husband, and I'm going to fight to keep you. Nothing short of having you back home with me is good enough. I love you more than anything in the world. I'm going to fight to my last breath to get you home."

"Ok, Gail. Have it your way. I wonder if they have the Basa Filet today."

Much later:

Andrew here, I guess it's up to me to finish the story. Funny how coincidents happen in life. Julian and I both married a Shirley. We both had girls first, then two boys. Mom had a six year affair, and Papa was gone in six years.

Papa and Anna did their best to tolerate Mom. She never changed her tune. She'd try to get Papa to 'come home' to her every chance she got, right in front of Anna.

With all Anna's money Papa was able to just let mom stay in the house. He and Anna were jetting all over the world anyway so he never really had to relocate. Although when they were in the Bay Area they stayed at Anna's house in the hills.

We really got to like Anna, for a socialite she could be quite down to earth when she wanted to. Especially around the grandkids. Papa was PopPop to all six of them; she became Grananna (a contraction of Grandma Anna, rhymes with banana).

Papa made it exactly six years after the events of Mom's affair came to light. Anna told me that Papa just didn't wake up that October morning. She said he had a smile on his face. She was rather proud of that fact. The Dr. said it was an aneurism that popped. I know Papa was very happy for those six years.