Finding My Feet

His mouth is on my feet, kissing them, licking between the toes. His hands are warm and firm on my soles, the muscles relaxing into his grip. ALL of me relaxing into his fingers.

I'm getting used to this foot worship fetish.

His lips move up and hover by my ankle. There's a spot that makes my whole body shiver and he finds it. I whimper without realizing it, arching my back.

When I was a kid we would take two cans and tie them to either end of a string and talk into them from a distance to see if we could hear each other. It works. (Oh, the silly things we did pre-internet!) And that seems to be what happens between this point right next to my Achilles tendon and my pussy: the vibrations inexplicably arrive and make contact through the tension.

I'm tingling now all over and tell him he can kiss up my calf. I'm sliding down in the chair like melting wax dripping down a candle stick.

He hesitates at my knee, waiting obediently for direction. I reach down with whatever clarity I still have and put my hands around his neck, softly but with purpose. I feel the details of the cartilage in his throat on my finger pads like reading braille. I push him away from me and continue to caress him. I can feel his breathing. It awakens my hunger even more and I gently pull on him, up, up my thigh.

"You may continue."

Studies have been done that show that infants who don't receive sufficient human touch exhibit severe negative consequences, even to the point of stunting their growth. So I will say that being in a relationship with very limited physical affection would be a deprivation of real needs.

What I want to write about is related, and while it's not debilitating, it IS something that has left me feeling neglected many times over the years.

Cunnilingus is obviously not a NEED for anyone. That said, the lack of it has often highlighted the difference in sexual expectations between women and men. That is to say, men EXPECT orgasms from sex while a woman's orgasm is often (in my experience) treated as an afterthought, if it's even a thought at all.

And that situation has often left me frustrated, hurt, confused, sad, angry, and, undesirable.

I have to admit that I think almost ALL pussies look weird. I claim to be heteroflexible and I DO find women's bodies to be attractive...the curves, the softness, the varieties of sizes and colors and shapes...but what's actually between the legs? I don't really have any desire to LOOK at that, any more than I want to LOOK at dick pics. (I don't.)

So I can understand why someone wouldn't be so excited about putting their mouth down there. (Although if the right woman comes along, I'd certainly try it myself. But, of course, I'd be attracted to her personality first, NOT her pussy.)

At least penises are dry (until things come squirting out of them) and contained in a neat little package. Pussies are wet and squishy and sloppy. They sort of look like an open wound, and like a wound, they even bleed.

Gross.

Furthermore, clitorises are tiny and elusive and hidden in all that disorder. They look even weirder.

And I'm just generalizing there. If I were to get specific, I'd say that my OWN pussy is especially messy. I've seen my share of photos of very neat, puffy, petite, pink round lips that seem to invite investigation. My labia are long, blotchy, uneven curtains. I hate when things are not lined up and centered just right. I have a bit of OCD.

And it turns out the most intimate, sensitive, precious part of my own body is an evil, unsymmetrical traitor.

Not fair.

The mixed news is that *most* men I've had sexual relations with don't even make an effort to go down there. So I don't have to worry about being embarrassed about how I look.

Which, of course, means that most sex in my life has not led to an orgasm for me.

I've read a lot about the orgasm gap and from what I can gather, first, I'm not alone, and second, most women do NOT have orgasms just from penetrative sex. Our clitorises need some attention for that to happen. Makes sense. The clitoris is the biological analogue to the penis. Most men won't have an orgasm without involving their penis.

Of course there are the lucky ones who can orgasm from prostate, or in ladies, G-spot, stimulation.

I'm not saying that I don't LOVE a good old fashioned fucking. It feels amazing. It can be primal, raw, fun, exciting, acrobatic...I even sometimes have little shuddery sensations that might be tiny baby orgasmic contractions. It's intimate in a way nothing else is.

But, for me to actually cum, my clitoris needs love.

Of course, cunnilingus isn't the only way. REALLY talented fingers can achieve it. A vibrator can get me off really fast.

But I'd venture to say some of the BEST orgasms of my life have always come from someone's warm, wet tongue. IF I can get over worrying about what they are thinking about what I look like down there, or if they are bored, or if their neck hurts, or if they are wishing I'd finish already...

It makes me wonder if men are thinking those things when I go down on THEM. I'd be willing to bet not.

And this is the disparity. I've probably gone down on 95% of the men I've had sex with. Is it because I love giving blow jobs? If you read my story about Small Penis Worship, you'll know that it is not very often that I actually ENJOY the physicality of giving a blow job, because I have a (clinically proven) small mouth. So, why have I done it? Because I care about giving my partner pleasure. Because men seem to be loco for blowjobs. Because penises seem to have always been the CENTER of any sexual encounter.

And yet I'd say that men have gone down on ME about 15% of the time. And until the point of actual orgasm? It's surely a dismal statistic.

Every once in a blue moon there will be a man who says he LOVES doing that. I am always suspicious of this. How can that be true? The statistics I've been compiling in my brain my whole life say that surely I am messy and asymmetrical down there. Well, yes, I do think I SMELL good, but the earth after a rainstorm SMELLS good and no one is out there eating dirt.

It feels much safer to not let anyone put their *mouth* down there and be revolted than let myself be SO vulnerable. I have vibrators that are amazing and they don't have opinions about aesthetics or flavors.

And yet...

I do love having orgasms. When I am happy in my life, I'm horny all the time. That little knob between my legs just throbs away at all kinds of random thoughts I have or things someone might say to me... and it begs for release.

I think having orgasms is the most beautiful thing our bodies do. It is an affirmation of being ALIVE. It is a celebration. It brings us into the present like nothing else. You aren't worrying about how you're going to pay the bills or what to make for dinner while every muscle in your body is convulsing and your back is arching and your toes are curling. You are completely in your body in that moment.

And, yes, I can give myself an orgasm pretty quickly, and be done with it.

But, when someone else gives me an orgasm, it is intense in a way I could never repeat on myself. It borders on edging, as it's tough for someone who isn't in my body to stay exactly on the spot without straying a little, and it's that variance, in getting closer and then a little farther and then closer again, that makes the final climax SO explosive. When someone else is doing the "work," I can also completely let go and just feel. Just enjoy. Just get lost in the moment.

But it's a gift that I've found men rarely want, or know how, to give. They so often just take.

And this is one of the reasons I have found I am much happier on the D side of the slash.

A submissive male friend brought up a point that I'm still contemplating. Male Doms NEVER post wishlists or ask for financial tribute. At least, I've never seen that, either.

However, what I have seen is that MOST male Doms EXPECT sex, or at the least, blowjobs. I'm not saying ALL, but that does seem to be the dynamic.

And yet, many Female Dommes WITHHOLD sex.

It's an interesting dichotomy of dynamics. I have much more thinking to do about this.

But I've found it's true that, as the Domme, I don't have to deal with men who just want to take and not give. (That was probably an option before but it wasn't until assuming this role that I actively embraced it.) And it seems that suddenly, MY orgasms are of interest.

I'm not used to this. I am still suspicious of it. So when I get the random messages from submissives who want to "service" me in that way, I'm not going to jump at the offer. It's intimate. It's vulnerable. It scares me a little.

I still am not fully convinced as to why anyone would LOVE to do that, especially for me.

But, it seems I can be convinced. Starting with convincing myself that I deserve to feel so good.

And I think it goes back once again to what kind of Domme I want to be. Yes, I want to be punishing and dole out healthy portions of pain. But, I want a balance of pleasure, too. It seems my pleasure is supposed to be central in this dynamic. Just like there's a part of me that is sadistic but has always been afraid to HURT anyone, there's a part of me that is hedonistic but has always been afraid to let go and ENJOY.

And, so, while I've read about the studies about how lack of touch stunts infants, I've never heard of a study on the effects of lack of orgasms on women. But if they happen to do one, and need a control group, I might just sign up. It would be very clinical, of course. Controlled. Empirical data, no opinions or judgement. Just an experiment.

For science, of course. All in the name of science.

And since that isn't probably going to happen, I'll keep working on learning to love all of my own body. Yes, I know I have a great smile. I hear that a lot. Yes, I've heard I have an amazing ass. To each his own, haha. I don't need a mirror to see that my rock climbing legs are shapely and my feet are gorgeous. Tabata Torture Tad makes sure my abs stay tight.

But my pussy? It is the most intimate, sensitive part of me, and yet...that remains to be seen.