Friends Vs Goblins

Three travelers trudged along the forest path, weary but satisfied after completing a difficult quest through the Everfree Forest.

Anon, a novice archer and adventurer, walked in front. On his back he carried a bag with his bow and some small treasures he'd found in an old mound.

Next to him walked Rainbow Dash -- a strong and very confident warrior. She was clad in light armor of polished steel and an ordinary red skirt. A short sword hung at her belt. Behind her back bounced a bag with her share of the loot.

A bit behind, lost in thought, followed a young sorceress -- Twilight Sparkle in short purple dress. In her hands was a wooden magic staff. On her shoulder hung a bag filled with ancient, nearly decayed books and scrolls.

The trio was returning from the depths of an ancient burial mound in the Everfree Forest, where they'd defeated undead threatening the locals. Though most of the finds weren't particularly valuable, together they could be sold for a good sum.

These two -- Twilight and Rainbow -- were not just Anon's loyal companions protecting him. Every night their camp tent was filled with moans and quiet gasps of pleasure.

«Finally, we got out of that damn barrow!» exclaimed Rainbow, striding decisively along the path. «I was starting to think we'd have to spend the night there.»

«Yeah. Can't wait till we get to the tavern!» answered Anon, looking at the road ahead. «After everything we went through in those catacombs, a good drink and soft bed will be just right.»

Rainbow nodded. Her tired blue eyes gleamed with anticipation. «You're reading my mind, Anon. After that dungeon, I deserve a whole barrel of cider!»

Twilight, who was walking a bit behind them, was carefully studying one of the ancient scrolls.

«The Canterlot Academy of Magic will be thrilled with these finds!» she marveled, holding the scroll and not raising her eyes to her companions. «Some of these finds are so ancient I can barely make out the symbols. Can you imagine how much knowledge is stored here?»

Rainbow rolled her eyes, watching Twilight's childish enthusiasm. «Dusty garbage! There's barely any text visible,» she snorted. «Good thing you need this junk, or I'd have used it for kindling long ago!»

Anon smiled, watching his companions.

They were so different, his lovers -- fire and ice, strength and wisdom. And both these beauties belonged to him.

They kept walking, silent.

«Personally, I was impressed by that two-meter skeleton with a crown in the main hall,» Anon said suddenly, deciding to break the silence. «How he menacingly swung his giant sword, then just fell apart when Rainbow kicked him between his bony legs?»

Rainbow smiled smugly, «What did you expect? Undead never knew how to spread their legs properly. Unlike me.» She playfully winked at Anon.

Twilight looked up from her book, her eyes shining with excitement, «According to these records, that skeleton should have been King Tenebris the Third -- an ancient ruler of these lands. Legend says he was cursed for...»

«...for being a boring nerd!» Rainbow jokingly interrupted her, slapping the mage on the ass.

Twilight gasped in surprise, «Ow! That hurt! Rainbow Dash! You'll get special punishment from this nerd tonight.» She playfully rubbed where she'd been slapped.

They walked on in silence again for a while.

«Remember the room with traps? When Anon activated the wrong symbol and we had to run from a rolling boulder?» Dash suddenly recalled and burst out laughing.

«That boulder was rolling after us! And Anon was squealing like a girl and almost tripped!»

Anon blushed a little but couldn't help smiling. «Hey, that was a strategic squeal! To distract the boulder, of course. And anyway, who went into that suspicious niche first? Oh yeah. That was you, Rainbow, with your 'Oh, look, something's shining!' Twilight, you're a mage, you could have at least cast some spell!»

«I told you we should wait until I translated all the hieroglyphs!» protested Twilight. «Good thing I managed to teleport us all a couple meters forward. But we found that cache with these books. The ancient scrolls hint that the mound was built during the time of Equestria's first settlers.»

Twilight stroked her bag with the found scrolls -- she loved these moments when Anon impulsively got into trouble and she and Rainbow had to pull him out.

But suddenly a small figure stepped onto the path before them. It was a goblin -- skinny, green-skinned, barely over a meter tall, with pointed ears and a potato nose. His tattered clothing hung in rags. He raised a crooked stick as if it were a fearsome weapon.

«Halt!» squeaked the goblin. «This is the territory of Crooktooth the Great! I am the chief toll collector! Pay or you shall not pass!»

Rainbow burst out laughing, hands on hips: «Seriously? And how much does this great... what did you call him?»

«Crooktooth the Great!» the goblin corrected indignantly. «Five silver coins! That's a very fair price for passage on this road!»

«You're kidding! What road? This is just forest! Scram before I kick your green impudent ass!» Rainbow Dash snorted, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at the goblin as if he were no more than a pesky fly.

«No-o-o! This is an official toll! Crooktooth the Great said: everyone who passes through his domain pays! Or... I won't let you through!» He began waving his stick.

«Incredible! Goblins are an endangered species in Equestria» Twilight leaned closer, her dress riding up slightly, revealing the edge of a stocking. «Their population is rapidly declining due to physical weakness and inability to compete with other races. They're so rare I thought they no longer existed in nature!»

The goblin felt awkward under Twilight's curious gaze.

«Don't stare at me, stupid witch! Better pay! Or I'll hit your curious head with my stick! I demand toll for Crooktooth the Great!» he squeaked, shaking his crooked stick.

Twilight blinked, pulled back slightly and smiled gently.

«Oh, I'm sorry, please» she said quietly and tenderly, as if facing not a bandit but a rare laboratory specimen. «I didn't mean to embarrass you.»

Anon stared at this pathetic goblin. Such a tiny, ugly little runt demanding submission from them, from his women. This absurd audacity -- demanding money from three armed adventurers with a stick that could barely harm the heroes -- it didn't irritate him. It unexpectedly aroused Anon. A shameful, masochistic thought flashed through his mind. He imagined this green ugly creature «punishing» them for non-payment... how Rainbow and Twilight, his strong, confident lovers, were forced to submit to this goblin.

«Damn» thought Anon, «why is this so arousing? What if...I push them toward this? Let them just pay. Nothing bad will happen, right?»

Meanwhile, Rainbow confidently stepped forward. «You've completely lost it, you green bastard! I'll shove that stick up your...»

Anon stepped beside Rainbow, who looked at him with surprise, raising an eyebrow, «Listen, uh... collector. Where's the proof this is your Crooktooth the Great's territory? Do you have his seal or signature?»

«Do you even have a license to collect taxes? Huh?» Twilight decided to play along with Anon, thinking Anon was mocking the goblin.

She crossed her arms and, looking down seriously at the goblin, said, «According to the Equestrian Kingdom code, chapter 14, paragraph 7, any levy of tolls on public paths requires official permission from the local lord or magistrate.» The goblin froze and scratched his head with dirty fingers, pondering the complex words.

Finally he made such a grimace as if he'd just swallowed a lemon, «License? Uh... Crooktooth the Great has it! In his... in his cave! But he's busy! Very busy! He's a great chief. He doesn't have time to mess with papers!»

Rainbow laughed, «In a cave? A license? Ha-ha! Can your Crooktooth even write?»

«Shut up, rainbow-hair!» The goblin puffed up and suddenly rummaged in a tattered bag at his belt.

«Here! I'll prove it! Crooktooth the Great gave me an official sign!» He pulled out something shiny and proudly raised it above his head. It was... some rusty copper medallion the size of a palm, on which was scratched in crooked letters «CROOKTOOTH THE GREAT.» The letters danced like drunkards, and instead of a seal was an indentation from teeth -- apparently Crooktooth's own.

«Here! See? Pay, or I'll call my brothers right now! I have... um... a whole three of them!»

«Three brothers? Wow, that's a whole army!» Dash continued joking. «And the medallion is signed with teeth? Classy, I'm really feeling the authority. Already starting to fear him.»

Twilight leaned closer again. Her violet eyes burned with curiosity about the goblin artifact, despite its primitiveness.

The dress rode up slightly again, revealing the lacy edge of a stocking, but she didn't even notice this or that the goblin was starting to glance at the lace with a stupid smile.

«Remarkable! This is a primitive form of territorial marking, typical of goblin clans. Using teeth as an authentication tool -- an archaic but effective method in the absence of literacy...» she reached with a finger toward the medallion, and the goblin instinctively pulled his hand back.

«Hey! Don't soil it! Stupid witch! It's mine!» he squeaked.

«Hmm,» Anon began, trying to sound serious. «Well... suppose this really is an official sign. Then we should probably pay, right? Five silver isn't that much. We made good money in the mound anyway.»

Rainbow turned to Anon, «Anon, you're joking now, right? Maybe we just kick him into the bushes and move on?»

«But this is goblin territory.» Anon shrugged, avoiding Rainbow's eyes. «We don't want trouble with goblin laws. Right? This... uh... Crooktooth the Great might be very authoritative. Let's not be petty over some road toll.»

The goblin beamed. His ears trembled with delight, «Yes! Right! Smart human! Says everything right! Pay now, pay!»

Anon felt a pleasant hot wave of lust spread through his lower belly from the goblin's sudden praise. Twilight also looked at Anon with bewilderment, but curiosity flickered in her gaze -- she knew Anon too well to believe in his sudden cowardice.

Instead of immediately supporting Rainbow, she decided to play along with Anon. «Anon is right in some ways,» Twilight drawled. «According to paragraph 12 of the code on interracial interactions, ignoring local customs can lead to a diplomatic incident. If we don't pay, he might complain to his chief, and then... well, you know goblins. They're vindictive.»

Rainbow looked at Twilight with irritation. The goblin became completely emboldened and demanded again. «See! Even your stupid witch knows and respects goblin laws! Five silver -- right now!»

«Please don't call me that» Twilight said firmly with surprising calm and patience.

The goblin's eyes examined Twilight with brazen confidence that was given to him by the unexpected support from Twilight herself. «Ha! Not call you stupid? What will you do to me, stupid witch with crooked legs?» he squeaked, clearly enjoying the sudden power over the situation. His gaze slid along the edge of Twilight's purple dress, lingering on the lace stocking.

«Crooktooth the Great said -- all witches are fools! Wear short skirts, wave sticks, mumble all sorts of brainy nonsense, think they're smart! And then -- bam! -- pay Crooktooth the Great!»

Rainbow's patience snapped. She clenched her fists, her face reddened with fury. «That's it, you green bastard, I'm going to throw you into the bushes so hard that your Crooktooth will be looking for you till next winter!» Rainbow growled, taking a decisive step forward.

The goblin immediately backed away, his brazen confidence instantly evaporating. The stick in his hands trembled. «What? No-o-o! Can't! Don't dare! I'll tell Crooktooth!»

«Dash, wait!» Anon grabbed the warrior by the shoulder, stopping her. «Don't. Remember what Twilight said -- this is a rare, practically endangered species.»

«Anon, you're seriously defending this little green bastard right now? He just called Twi...»

«Think about it,» Anon interrupted her, trying to sound reasonable. «Maybe he has a family he needs to feed? He's just trying to feed them.»

The goblin, instantly seizing the opportunity, nodded energetically. «Yes-yes! Grabnak has... uh... little goblin children! Five! No, six! Poor family! Very poor! Children hungry! Wife mean, beats Grabnak with ladle if no coins!» he portrayed sobbing, pressing dirty fists to his eyes.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. But her harsh expression softened slightly. «A family? Him? He's obviously lying! First he's 'chief toll collector,' now he's a poor family man? And in a minute what -- he's an exiled hereditary prince?»

«Actually, goblins live in large family clans.» Twilight began her lecture, turning to face her friends with her back to the goblin, who began curiously examining her appetizing butt. «And resources are always distributed among all community members. If he's collecting toll, then he's most likely really sharing the spoils with his family. Though five silver is clearly an inflated sum for such a small path...»

«Let's say,» Rainbow crossed her arms over her chest.

«And goblins really are on the verge of extinction in Equestria.» Twilight continued. «We could support his population...»

Grabnak smiled. His small eyes greedily jumped from one appetizing butt of Anon's companion to the other.

Rainbow choked on air hearing this from Twilight and stared at her with disgust. «WHAT?!»

Twilight blushed, quickly realizing the ambiguity of her words. «I mean -- support economically! Economically! By paying the tax, of course! What did you think?»

«So now we're going to do charity for highway robbers?» Dash snorted discontentedly.

Twilight adopted that special professorial tone she always used when she wanted to convince someone she was right. «Think for yourself: if goblins disappear, their unique culture will go with them. Goblin culture is practically unstudied. Their traditions, language, way of life -- all of this could be lost forever.»

Rainbow grimaced as if she'd just bitten a rotten apple. But Dash saw a grain of sense in Twilight's words.

«So it's decided?» Anon looked first at Twilight, then at the displeased Rainbow. «We'll pay the toll and continue on our way. Without unnecessary problems?»

Twilight nodded enthusiastically, and Rainbow, though with obvious displeasure, also agreed: «Fine, let's support the endangered species.»

Rainbow Dash approached the goblin with great reluctance and reached for the small leather purse attached to her belt next to her sword sheath.

In their trio, Rainbow was responsible for finances -- after that unfortunate incident last time when Anon and Twilight were left penniless and the whole company had to sleep in a haystack for a whole week, she firmly decided to take finances under her control. Though of course she didn't think she'd have to throw coins at some highway extortionists.

«Okay, shorty, here's your five coins,» she said through gritted teeth. «Take them and get out of our way.»

The goblin greedily grabbed the coins with his green fingers, but instead of backing away, he shook his head and pointed first at Anon, then at Twilight herself. «Five coins is payment for one traveler,» said the goblin. «For these two you need ten more!»

«What?!» Rainbow shouted. Her face turned red with anger. «You said five silver! There was no talk about per person!»

Twilight shrugged. «Technically, he really did say 'five silver coins,' but didn't specify whether for everyone or each...»

Rainbow took out ten more silver coins from her purse. Her hand trembled with anger as she held them out to the goblin.

«Take them and get off the road,» she said through clenched teeth.

Grabnak with a greedy gleam in his eyes accepted the coins, quickly counted them and put them in his tattered pouch. But instead of stepping aside, he crossed his arms over his skinny chest and jutted out his chin.

«You insulted me, rainbow-hair,» he declared with sudden affected importance. «For an insult a special apology is required.»

«APOLOGY?!» Rainbow almost jumped with indignation. «For what?!»

«For calling me shorty,» answered the goblin, getting brasher by the second. «Grabnak is a tall and respected member of Crooktooth the Great's clan! Such insults require compensation! By ancient goblin custom, when a woman insults a warrior, she must lift her skirt and show her panties. This is a sacred reconciliation ritual!»

Rainbow Dash instantly flared with fury. Her face turned almost purple. Her hand involuntarily flew to her sword hilt.

«You...little... pervert!» she said through clenched teeth. «You've completely lost your mind, you green bastard! I'll cut your head off right now, and no customs will help!»