More Tales from the Guilds

As was his custom, Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully rose at dawn to put on his jogging suit and shoes. After running five kilometers of laps around the perimeter of Unseen University, he did fifty pushups before showering and donning his proper academic attire, whereupon he repaired to the Great Hall for First Breakfast. This was a rare trait among the faculty. Most of them slept until at least Second Breakfast before groggily finding their way down for something to eat. That meant that First Breakfast tended to consist mostly of an extensive buffet where the Archchancellor and any early rising students could help themselves to whatever provender the kitchen had laid out. Since Ridcully had recently returned from the First Annual Crundell's Boar Shoot with rather a lot of the spoils, the board laid out multiple kinds of smoked and fresh sausage, both black and white puddings,Jambon de campagne,several pork loin-and-kidney pies and slabs of thick cut bacon along with the usual assortment of eggs, beans, breads, cheeses, fresh and rehydrated fruit and the requisite pots of strong tea and black coffee1. The Archchancellor filled a plate and then, after some contemplation, filled another and balancing them both on one arm, pulled a tall mug with a good foamy head and took them all back to the lead table. Setting down before the opulent spread, he rubbed his hands together in happy anticipation before setting to with considerable gusto.

[1and beer!]

Now sufficiently fortified to last until at least Second Breakfast, the Archchancellor entered his office. He noticed with satisfaction that the University's maids had cleared his combination desk/pool table of all notices, demands for action and remnants of the occasional beef sandwich. Whoever it was had even neatly swept away any crumbs and brushed the felt in expectancy of Ridcully wanting to start his day with an hour of three cushion billiards. The man gave that idea some thought but sat down instead to rifle through whatever came to him in the Post. He didn't expect much and wasn't disappointed but before he could rise and chalk a cue, someone knocked on his door.

"Ah, Stibbons," he greeted his Vice-Chancellor, "good mornin' t'yer. Shouldn't yer be headin' down for Second Breakfast? There are some exceptional pies awaitin' yer attention."

Ponder Stibbons straightened his spectacles and sighed. The Archchancellor was eternally concerned with the younger wizard's appetite or lack thereof and the poor man occasionally tired of hearing about it. Ridcully was a tall, very robust man and his Vice was not. There was only so much he could eat, after all.

"I will momentarily, Archchancellor, but I received this clacks and thought that before I filed it away, you should look at it. It's from Herr Fassel, the blacksmith in Bonk. He reports that there is some strange activity in that country that concerns even Lady Margolotta. Hard as this may be to believe, he suspects that the Things From the Dungeon Dimensions have infiltrated Überwald in the neighborhood of Bad Münareizin and thinks that the University should investigate."

Ridcully's forehead furrowed and he brought both hands down on the table with a thump. Some years before there had been an invasion from the Dungeon Dimensions into Loko. With 'military assistance' from Ankh-Morpork, the local magical inhabitants had managed to eliminate them and everyone thought the danger was past. If it was not...

"Verra good, Stibbons. I see trouble on the way. Thank yer for bringin' this t' m'attention. Go get somethin' t' eat while I look this clacks over and then we can consider what action we'll be needin' t'take. "

*****

After Second Breakfast Stibbons arrived in Ridcully's office with a map of Überwald rolled up under his arm. Together the two wizards spread it out onto the desk/pool table and getting out a magnifying glass, began to look it over.

"Ah," Stibbons exclaimed happily, "here it is. Bad Münareizin is a small town some miles downstream from Blintz, the capital of the Igors' research and activity. It isn't known for much, lacking the intensity of lightning of its neighbor, but does get quite a bit of snow in winter."

"Hmmm," Ridcully replied, "'nd that is an odd thing, don'tcherknow.Thingsare attracted t' light 'nd warmth 'nd so yer'd believe that a place brisk 'nd cloudy wouldn't be one they'd favor. Makes me wonder whether their problem is somethin' other than invaders from th' Dungeon Dimensions. Fassel doesn't say he's person'ly ever seen any, just that what he's heard from others seems like aThing."

Stibbons removed his glasses and cleaned them, a nervous habit he developed after being promoted to Vice Chancellor. Being in the office next to Ridcully might have exacerbated the action if it hadn't originally caused it.

"Mostly we are supposed to defend Ankh-Morpork from eldritch horrors and Bad Münareizin is a long ways from here," he began, "but if it's something that can spread, we ought to be proactive. Can't have some otherworldly horror setting itself up in a neighboring state and then come creeping closer. We need to stop it in its tracks."

"And before we can do that," Ridcully growled, "we need t'know exactly what we're dealin' with. Some time spent on m'Omniscope is called for, I believe."

The Archchancellor was widely acknowledged as the Master of the Omniscope, that magical device that can show you everything2. Long before Hex, the University's thinking engine, had calculated the thaumarithims to make using an Omniscoperelativelyeasy, Ridcully had taken one back to the family estates after achieving 7th level mage at the astonishingly young age of twenty-seven. There he'd experimented and practiced by using the device to locate wild animals in the woods and hedgerows of the family estates with the deliberate intent of turning said wild animals into dinner. Given the well-known wizardly affinity for big meals, the impetus was obvious and the result was a wizard who treated the notoriously difficult Omniscope very casually and who found it very, very handy.

[2Unfortunately the vast majority of 'everything' is 'nothing' and most Omniscopes just showed the black abyss of the Multiverse. This makes them very useful for trimming one's beard, but not much else.]

Thus he pulled the curtains off his own personal version and then magically adjusted it until it was looking down on the landscape of Überwald. Once that was accomplished the Archchancellor changed the focus until he arrived over a gothic-looking small town full of buildings with half-timbered walls, very steep tiled roofs and windows with pointed arches. It was clean and tidy though slightly tumbled down and dilapidated as though the inhabitants didn't have the money for repairs but would see you in Hell before they'd let the place get dirty and unpainted. The inhabitants went about their business while occasionally looking nervously towards one end of the village. And they were all looking in the same direction so taking this as a 'clue' Ridcully ran the view of the Omniscope off that way. For a time all that showed was dark, evergreen forest but widening the image eventually led to an eerie-looking stone building. Strangely, it seemed to be walled with very large stone octagonal blocks, eight of them to a side.

"Oh now, this doesn't look good," Stibbons muttered, "Haven't we read about places like this somewhere before?"

"'ndeed we have," Ridcully growled, "in theNecrotelicomnicon!Temples with 23walls and one more than seven corridors that lead to the center. Places like that are where bein's like Bel-Shamaroth, the Soul-Eater and Sender of Eight live. I'd say 'are worshiped' but any fool wantin' t'worship that ancient, dark entity is in for a verra short-term prospect. And it don't look dilapidated or ruined which means it's somehow still active. Not a good thing, that. If that suckered and tentacled monster has gotten busy there, I'm not surprised Lady Margolotta is concerned. I see bad times today"

"I suggest that we bring the matter up in the Uncommon Room after dinner tonight." The Vice Chancellor suggested. "Most of the Senior Wizards have read that Hells-spawned book and one or two of them might have some suggestions."

"Sensible idea, Stibbons. We'll do that."

*****

Normally the post-prandial mood in the Uncommon Room was jovial with replete wizards enjoying a glass (or five) of vintage port but when the Archchancellor brought up the question of the possibility that Bal-Shamaroth or something like it had reemerged after decades in abeyance, the atmosphere chilled.

"This," Jeremy Barcbeadle pronounced emphatically, "isnotgood news. I've never believed that beings like that were some sort of 'old gods', they were just horrible monsters that ate innocent girls and inexperienced young men. Compared to them, Things From the Dungeon Dimensions are minor nuisances. I'd rather deal with earthquakes and lightning!"

"Quite," replied the Senior Wrangler, "we've dealt with Things rather regularly in the past and very handily. However, I don't think any of us has had a run-in with an 'old god' and I'm sure we're all perfectly happy about that."

Rincewind grimaced and looked up from his glass. "I did."

Every eye in the room turned to the Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography and the silence was deafening.

"You?" came in chorus.

Rincewind sighed. "Yes, I did. And it was in a temple very much like the one Herr Fassel describes. Three of us found ourselves inside and couldn't get out because the inside of it was bigger than the outside and all the halls lead only to other halls. In many ways it was like the library but instead of having the Librarian in the center there was this horrible, tentacled thing with a single eye in the middle. When it attacked me I tried to fight it off with a iconograph until the salamander flashed. That made the monster disappear to either under the ground or Somewhere Else. We left in a hurry afterwards."

"Yes," murmured Ridcully, "I rather suspect yer did, given yer talent fer leavin' in a hurry from almost anywhere. Still, that's good t'know. Old gods (or whatever they are) don't like bright lights. What happened t'th' temple after yer fled?"

Rincewind shrugged. "It was kind of tumbled down and dilapidated when we arrived and when we left we were moving fast enough that looking back didn't seem like a good idea. I suspect that by now all the walls are fallen and the entire thing is covered in vines and weeds--at least I hope it is. Those were bad times, that day."

All the assembled wizards nodded in agreement.

"And that," Vice Chancellor Stibbons announced, "tells us that what we need to send to Überwald is someone who is skilled in bright lights along with a hedge wizard who knows Millsprocket's Herbal Encourager. I'd say a clacks to my young second cousin and his wife is in order."

After a long pause, heads began to nod again, judiciously this time, around the room. Penelope Ogg-Stibbons, D.C.L, M.Thau. with her deeply regarded (and rightfully feared) skill with fireballs along with Consideration Stibbons, DM, co-director of the Sto Plains Agromancy Research Center? Turn those two loose on this 'old god' and let them send the temple into devastated rage and ruin. It might be Unseen's best shot at once again fending off an eldritch horror just as they had done so many times in the past. That was, after all, their job!

*****

Penelope Ogg-Stibbons tied blue ribbons around the upright red pony-tails of her daughter Gracious, buttoned her into a pale green sleeping onesie, rocked her for a little while and then tucked her into bed. Other mothers of the Stibbons' family social class might have left the task to the nanny but while among the Oggs housework got handed off to children and siblings as soon as they were old enough to hold a feather duster, the minding of infants was never delegated. Babies, they felt, were the sole responsibility of mothers, full stop! But now that her first born was snoozing away peacefully, Penny wandered out into the manor's library where her husband Consideration sat puzzling over an exceptionally long clacks. She nodded to herself, having already read it several hours before. Connie looked up at her.

"You were right, Penny," he said quietly, "having an Old God show up for no obvious reason is certainly good cause for Überwald to be concerned. That they have called in Unseen for, at the very least, some consultation shows good sense. But I'm not sure the faculty's suggested remedy is quite the right one."

"Mm-hmm, my fireballs throw plenty of red light but they're mostly heat. And if Rincewind is correct, what cleaned Bal-Shamaroth's clock the first time was the intensewhitelight of a alarmed salamander. He carried it in, by accident, and purely by chance escaped to tell the tale. I don't think we can count on that happening twice."

"No," Connie shook his head, "this is going to be a more complex operation than his. I'll head through my Door back to UU after breakfast tomorrow. I'll need to talk to someone on the faculty (probably Darcy Birdwhistle), pay a visit to Flach and Chriek and wander down the Street of Cunning Artificers. From what I can determine from Cousin Ponder's clacks, there is enough time to put everything together. Herr Fassel's report has given us, hopefully, ample opportunity to cobble up a response."

*****

As promised, the next morning a fully robed and pointy-hatted Consideration Stibbons, DM (Unseen) stepped through the Door back into his old rooms and then down the corridors to the Great Hall for Second Breakfast. It has been over a year since he'd dined there and the volume of food available came as a mild shock. How in the world had he ever managed to consume that much during his student years, he didn't know. But squaring his shoulders and setting his jaw, he dug in. A three egg rolled omelet stuffed with ham, cheese and herbs, a thick pork chop with gravy, a large fruit salad, several scones with jam and a pile of hash browned potatoes washed down with a full quart of coffee left the young hedge wizard wondering how he had ever managed to consume two such breakfasts every morning for years. But now he needed to consult and roaming around the halls, finally located Darcy Birdwhistle, DM, D.Thau.

"Ah, there you are, Birdwhistle. How are you this fine morning?"

Darcy responded with a lopsided grin. "Well, I'm fine but I'm not so sure about the morning. Does married life in the countryside agree with you, Stibbons? I presume you are here in response to the alarm from Überwald."

"I am and I need to talk with you on that subject. Penny and I both read the clacks the Vice Chancellor sent and we have some reservations. According to my second cousin, the last time anyone from Unseen faced up against the likes of Bal-Shamaroth, the deciding strike was with salamanders. If Penny were to engage this monster with one of her fireballs, we're not sure if there would be sufficient light to defeat it. Of course, it is perfectly possible that one of her better ones would obliterate it but with the Old Gods, one never knows. So the current plan is to visit Flach and Chriek and borrow a cage of salamanders. Setting up a mechanism to poke them on command is easy but the need is to get them inside the temple. I envision a remotely piloted First Person View (FPV) broomstick to carry the cage in. Guiding it would seem to require one of your black glass bowls of scrying and a little bulb on the end of the broomstick to view ahead."

Birdwhistle pensively stroked his beard. "Why yes, I can see that. I know just the man on the Street of Cunning Artificers to make them. We'll go see him before First Luncheon. I think if he blows you a black bowl with a very small bowl on a stem at its base, we can cast a spell of scrying on it. That will give us a scryer we can look at and a viewer we can snap off and then attach to the tip of the little broomstick. This could be fun. Come on, let's get started."

After Second Luncheon the pair took their new Bowl of Scrying and its viewer down the Street of Cunning Artificers to the shop called Hammerhockson's Devices. The late Hammerhock, Sr. had made the mistake of investigating and trying to repair The Gonne after Edward d'Eath brought it to him. He was chosen because of his remarkable ability to build little mechanical 'toys' that walked or scuttled by themselves to the amusement of children and the childlike throughout the city. The Gonne had killed him after he muttered that making another would be easy. It wanted no competitors! Fortunately his son was equally talented.

"So, doctors," the dwarf said after looking at the scryer/viewer, "you want me to build you a small broomstick and attach this little thing on the end?"

"Exactly," Connie replied, "it only has to be large enough to carry a cage with a pair of salamanders. We'll guide it into that misbegotten 'temple', set off the salamanders and then tell it to come back. Its target will have no idea what the thing is and won't try and defend itself until the flash goes off. By then it will be too late."

"Temple?"

"A temple to one of the Old Gods."

"By Tak! You mean one of those things that used toeatyoung lads? Who would build a temple to one of them?"

"We don't know and we don't care. We just want it gone!"

Hammerhockson turned to the rack behind his counter and took down a flying broom. Balancing it thoughtfully in his hand, he nodded sharply and reached for a saw. After shortening the handle and bristles each to a third normal, he carried it to a drill press and after carefully choosing a bit, bored a hole in the end. Gingerly pouring a measure of hot hide glue into the end, he inserted the viewer into the hole. He set it aside.

"It will take about ten or twenty minutes for the glue to fully set. If you go down to Bluffwilder street to Flach and Chriek, by the time you come back with the salamanders, it will be ready to use."

Connie paid for the FPV broomstick and walked down the street. Entering the iconography store, they greeted the proprietor.

"Professors!" Otto replied enthusiastically, "In vot vay can I help you zis mornink?"

After hearing the story of the concern in Überwald, the Black Ribboner's happy smile disappeared and his usual Überwald accent vanished. Soberly he responded, "So you need a couple of well-charged salamanders to drive this thing Somewhere Else." Grabbing a speaking tube he called out, "Flach, a pair of wizards need some very strong salamanders. Bring down Adolf and Gretta. They've been up in the sunshine for a couple of weeks and should be good for a solar-quality flash." Putting down the tube he continued, "If very bright light is what makes that sort of monster go away, those two will send it screaming. Dolf and Gretta are two of our largest salamanders and we only use them for special duty, like caverns or nightscapes. When I take them out I always carry a pair of blood bottles to bring me back when I crumble to ashes. They are intense!"

"Thank-you, Otto. I'll do everything I can to make sure and bring them back in good condition. I don't expect to have this kind of problem arise again but it's always best to be prepared."

*****

The next day, while the two wizards rode in comfortable first class compartments towards Bonk-Schmaltzberg with connections to Blintz, the Ruling Council met in the Assassins' Guild. An advantage to having the Patrician, Ruler of the City, as Provost of the School is that his unsurpassed intelligence network sometimes uncovers information the Assassins might find of interest, should he choose to share it. Today was one of those times.