More Tales from the Guilds

Sitting in the afternoon sun on Ramkin Hall's verandah, several men sat with glasses of Chateau Woodbead and Aix en Pains' select red wine watching with benevolent amusement as large dogs dragged around baskets containing toddlers (the men's children and grandchildren) who shrieked with baby laughter.

The Marquis de Aix en Pains took another sip, swirled it through his teeth before swallowing and asked, "Commander, 'ave you not reached an age where you should be retiring 'ere to enjoyla campagneand guide theLady Sybilup and down Old Treachery?"

Commander Vimes knocked the ash off the end of his imported Klatchian cigar before taking another puff. "No, Crundells is Sammy's now. I just come for visits. As for retiring? Well, to a large degree I am. Angua pretty much runs the Watch's criminal investigation, Inspector Pessimal keeps all the paperwork in line and Detritus does the same with the officers so I really don't have anything to do anymore except show up for ceremonial events and tell everyone in the Watch how proud I am of them. It seems to be good for their morale. At least there doesn't seem to be any longer a danger of them coming tobelievein me since the High Priest of Blind Io discovered Kek, the Djelibeybian god of justice. And however much fun it is to steam theLady Sybilup and down the Quire, it always feels so good to get home."

"You 'ave left outle capitaineCarrot. Is 'e in waiting to take over when Lord Vetinari dies?" the Marquis asked.

Sir Baldor Woodbead snorted derisively. "You meanifhe dies. Every time Lady Margolotta leaves after a state visit theTimesis full of letters claiming to have proof that Vetinari is a vampire and asking what the city is going to do about it. And you have to admit that he does seem to be aging remarkably gracefully."

"Hah!" Vimes barked, "One, since the Patrician to all intents and purposesisthe city, even if it could be proven that he is a vampire just what would those silly people propose to do? Two, I've known the man most of my life. I've always suspected that he dyes his hair but as you point out, time seems to sit on him strangely lightly. But I don't for a moment believe that he is Differently Alive. Besides, Carrot emphatically does not want to even be Commander. He once said that people should obey the law because it's the right thing to do, not because Captain Carrot is good at being obeyed. And despite that funny crown-shaped birthmark on his shoulder, he is perfectly content letting Havelock rule while he goes about his business being a policeman. So since he doesn't want to be Commander of the Watch, I'm sure the man has no interest in being Patrician, either."

At that point the basket carrying little Gracious Stibbons tipped over dumping her out on the floor and into a high state of indignation. Penny picked the squalling mite up and comforted her before putting her back into the basket to continue her ride.

"You know, Connie," young Sam murmured, "Gracious seems to have inherited her mother's temper. Are we going to have to spend the next eighteen years keeping her smiling, too? That does seem to not only be a long time but a tall order, as well."

"And you 'ave to take into accountthat both her parentsare wizards," the Marquis observed, "and there is a probability that she willtrès certainementgrow up with magical talent that will betrès grave."

Consideration Stibbons nodded soberly. "Oh, we've talked about that at length. Fortunately we have plenty of time. Penny didn't start making fireballs until she was ten and they didn't start sinking into the earth for a year or so after that. And she was trying so hard to just start a little fire to make tea! It was when she actually succeeded that Nanny decided it was time to ship her off to Unseen. And a good thing it was--both for her and for me."

*****

Some weeks later back at the family estate, Penny was in the library searching randomly through the manor records. The Stibbons had owned the land for many generations and had left copious writings about what they'd accomplished, who they'd pillaged, how much they'd made, what they'd eaten and all the other sort of things that aristocrats like to keep track of. As she read, she heard hurried footsteps approaching.

"Lady Penelope?" Gracious' nanny Matilda's voice was shaky and her hands trembled, "It's about little Gracious."

"Mmm?"

"Remember how we taught her to keep her hands out of the fireplace because it was hot? And how Sir Baldor taught her to toast marshmallows to keep her happy?"

"Yes?" Penny did not like the way this conversation was going.

"Well, this morning she went down to the kitchen and begged Cook for a marshmallow. Then she took it up onto the verandah and made a little pile of sticks and stuck the candy on the end of a toasting fork."

Penny's face turned pale and her eyes widened in rising dread. "She didn't!"

"Yes'm. Gracious plopped herself down next to the stick pile, put out her chubby little hand and said 'Hot!' The sticks all caught fire and she contentedly toasted the marshmallow and ate it. When I came rushing up, she grinned up at me and said 'Sticky!' and held out her hands for me to wash. Naturally I put out the fire but..."

"Oh, gods!" Penny was appalled, "She's only a baby. There's no way she should start showing wizard talent at her age. She isn't even out of nappies, yet."

"I know, mum. We have to convince her to stop doing that but since I don't know nuffin 'bout magic I don't know what to say."

"By Blind Io, with her fierce little temper this could turn out to be disastrous," Penny hurriedly closed the journal she'd been reading, "What is she doing now?"

"I gave her a ball to throw for Barney so she and the puppy are happily playing in the nursery for now. How long that will distract her though..."

Penny stood up and pointedly getting herself under control carefully marched off to the nursery. Entering the rooms she saw that Chase The Ball had been replaced with Tug of War. This meant that her daughter was joyously getting dragged around by an oversize puppy that madly wagged his tail.

"Are you having fun, dear?" Penny asked.

"Goggy!" Gracious replied and stood up to wrap both arms around the Lancrestrian's neck.

Penny sat down in a side chair and patted her lap. Gracious toddled over and climbed up and into it.

"Mommy has heard that you made a fire and roasted a marshmallow, Gracious, is that true?"

Nodding vigorously the child replied, "Made hot. Cook' shmallow. Sticky!"

"And was it a good marshmallow?"

"Ber' good. An' sticky."

"Remember, darling, that fires are only for cooking over and keeping warm. Baby must never use 'Hot' when she gets angry. When you get angry, you go tell Barney or Velvel. They both will understand and make you feel better."

Gracious beamed and showed off all her new front teeth. "Barney good Goggy!"

"Yes, he is. Now go give Barney a hug and go back to playing with him."

Once put back down on the floor, Gracious leaned down and again wrapped her arms around the rapidly growing puppy's neck and buried her face in its fur.

"Goggy," she murmured happily, as Barney contentedly licked her ear. Penny could only hope that if she repeated the lesson often enough her dangerously talented daughter would internalize the concept and not go around incinerating anything (or anyone) that offended her.

Unseen University, to this day, remembered and repeated the story of Penny's own first entry. She'd been firmly escorted to the Lancre City train station and sent to Ankh-Morpork with an introductory letter to the Archchancellor. Entering the great Octiron gates, Penny immediately encountered the most obnoxious and unpopular student enrolled that year. He'd been offended by the idea that a 'mere girl' had had the temerity to enter the supposedly all male Sancto Sanctorum and tried to bodily push her back out. Penny replied with a snarl and a fireball that turned the fool into a smoking crater. Word got around very quickly thereafter that the University's newest (and only female) student wasnotto be messed with. At the direction of Archchancellor Ridcully, she'd been treated with great respect (and caution!) from then on.

Fortunately the first night she moved in, she discovered that a Bogey lived under her bed. Over time they became fast friends and when she was awarded a D.C.L. and was engaged to Consideration Stibbons, she wrote a couple of books about the Bogey outlook on life that became best sellers and started a fashion for wealthy families to hire them as multi-generational nannies1.

[1and body guards! The Patrician decreed that anyone with a resident Bogey had to advertise the fact. This greatly reduced the casualty rate among Assassins.]

As the months passed, to everyone's relief, Gracious' interest in fire remained focused on toasted (sticky) marshmallows and between the faithful Barney and the comforting attention of Vevel the family Bogey her attitude remained friendly and happy. Then one evening when Consideration returned from a day in the nut groves, he saw his daughter toddling out onto the verandah with Barney's leash in one hand and Velvel's dark void in the other. She grinned up at Connie.

"We gon' roas' bangers for Goggy," she announced.

Velvel chuckled, "A shipment arrived from the butcher and as soon as Gracious saw the sausages she announced that Barney wanted some. The pup seems to agree so, yes, we are going to roast some for him."

Connie had only heard about the child's fire-starting talents and decided to tag along. This he had to see. The group headed out to the 'official' fire ring and started work. Apparently Barney understood exactly and lay down to watch the proceedings, his tongue out and drooling and his tail contentedly waving from side to side. Velvel put down a bundle of sticks and Gracious proceeded to build a very precise 'cabin' fire while Velvel fit all the sausages into the folding rack for cooking. At the baby's command, "Hot!" every stick spontaneously lit and the Bogey held the sausages over the flames. Soon, all sides were properly scorched and split.

"Banger, Daddy?"

Connie speared a sausage with his belt knife and bit off the end. It was pretty good. He chewed the sausage and watched Barney wolf down all the rest, except for one that Gracious kept for herself.

"Now, Gracie, the sausages are cooked but the fire is still lit. What shall we do about that?" Connie was impressed with his daughter's worrisome abilities with fire and with modest dread wondered what else she could do.

Gracious regarded the glowing embers with a solemn face. The she stuck out her hand and firmly said, "Code". Instantly the fire was reduced to blackened charcoal.

"I was afraid of that," her father murmured to himself then said, "That was well done, Gracie, you must always put out any cooking fire you start. And remember, fires are only for cooking, never because you were angry."

"I hug Goggy when angry, Daddy. Barney good Goggy."

"Yes he is, Baby, and you are good to remember that."

*****

A week later a fully robed and wizard-hatted Consideration Stibbons sat in the Vice Chancellor's office telling his second cousin about the most recent events. Ponder took his glasses off and polished them, a sure sign of emotional distress.

"By all the gods, my first cousin once removed is showing magical talent at eighteenmonths? Eighteen years wouldn't surprise me but Gracie's only a baby. This is unheard of--not to mention alarming!"

"And she has a bit of her mother's temper, as well. For now we have her convinced that fires are only for cooking and that when she gets unhappy or angry she should just go hug Barney or tell Velvel but how long she'll be able to maintain that control is anyone's guess."

"And she is far,fartoo young to enter Unseen. Even Eskarina Smith waited until she was eight. We knew that a child of two wizards might well have a powerful magical ability but we never imagined that it would show up in infancy."

Connie sighed. "No we didn't. Fortunately we have been able to control her gently, so far. She adores the pup and Velvel is never far away so she always has someone to turn to when she gets frustrated. But neither Penny nor I have any ideas about what else we could do with her. That's why I came back to talk to you."

Ponder put his glasses back on and steepled his fingers in front of his nose, imitating the Patrician's favorite pose. "Well, the Archchancellor has lots of experience entertaining nieces and nephews but none of them show any magical talent--that we know of. Let me think about this. I may have another source of advice to try. Meet me at Second Breakfast tomorrow morning. If I've found anything out, I'll let you know."

After Connie left, Ponder stood up, shot out his sleeves in a gesture of determination and headed for the High Energy Magic Building. He strode with locked knees, and swinging arms, a sure sign of a determined man in a ill temper. Another source of advice? Oh, yes. It was time to consult with the university's thinking engine, originally called Hex but to the Vice Chancellor better known as Cryptofer. Cryptofer was the son of Eskarina Smith and the Sourceror named Simon that had infiltrated the machinery of Hex. If anyone would know how to handle a second generation wizard of extreme power it was him. After all, he was one.

*****

+++Good morning, Vice Chancellor. I overheard your discussion about the younger Stibbons and fully understand your concern. Even Eskarina Smith didn't show magical talent at that tender an age.+++

"No she didn't and I wish Gracious hadn't. So what, in your opinion, are our options?"

+++From what your cousin says, they have her under fair control for the present. A benevolent Bogy and an adoring guard dog seem to be preventing any magical tantrums for now, but all I know is second hand. I suppose I could send my awareness through Connie's or Penny's Doors but views out a door don't give much range of vision. Could you get hold of a couple of shards of an Omniscope and spread them around the manor house? Especially those areas the little one toddles around in? If I kept an eye on her for a few Octadays I might have a better idea of how to approach her.+++

"That's a good idea. We have a number of shards boxed up in the attic and if there don't seem to be enough, I'll just cut one of the largest ones in half or quarters. Thank-you, Cryptofer, this relieves my mind, at least for the present."

+++My pleasure, Vice Chancellor. This looks to prove an interesting investigation+++

*****

A month or so later, the various Vimes, Stibbons, and Woodbead families all gathered at Crundells for midsummer festivities. The children played, the adults visited and the staff gossiped until little Gracious, accompanied as always by her beloved Lancastrian Mountain Dog, sauntered up to her mother and announced, "Goggy want sausages." The big puppy, everyone knew, was very fond of sausages, especially when toasted over a fire. So Penny would not have been surprised if Gracie had said that he needed sausages or ought to have sausages but she had said hewantssausages. Looking down at Barney, Penny saw a gently waving tail, a protruding tongue and an amiable smile--as though he approved of his translator's statement.

Penny took a deep breath. "Did Barney tell you he wants sausages or do you just think he ought to have some?"

Gracie replied with that look children sometimes get indicating that adults were just too slow on the uptake. "I jus' know, o' course."

Penny blinked slowly a couple of times. Witches, she knew, had this ability to 'borrow' animals and ride their consciousness. Granny Weatherwax had been renowned for her skill at this. And werewolves didn't try to keep it a secret that they could talk to and understand dogs but Gracie was neither a witch nor a werewolf. Yet here she was, announcing that her giant puppy let her know he wanted sausages. Of course, there was no particular reason why Barney shouldn't have sausages but Penny was sure there were a whole page full of reasons why her small daughter shouldn't be able to carry on a two way conversation with a dog. After a couple of deep breaths, she answered, "Well, then I guess we'll just have to go ask Cook for some so you can toast them."

Barney barked agreement.

About a quarter hour later, Cook arrived with a basket containing the required sausages, a bundle of sticks and a sausage toasting rack. Gracious built a very precise 'cabin' fire, stepped back and said, "Hot". By now everyone had heard of her precocious ability but seeing it demonstrated blew some hair back. Unconcerned, she put the sausages in the rack and suspended it over the fire until the skins were split and slightly blackened on all sides. Using a towel to keep from burning her fingers, she opened the rack and spilled the bangers out into Barney's dish. They didn't stay there long.

"And she claims Barney somehow let her know he wanted them?" Commander Vimes was skeptical.

Penny sighed. Despite actually being quite a good little girl, her first born was turning out to be more than a bit of a trial. "Yes, she did. And it looks like she wasn't kidding but I haven't a clue as to how she might talk to him."

Vimes tapped the ash off the end of his cigar. "Well, I know how to find out. I'll send for Angua. She'll just have to tell Carrot he's in charge until she gets back and once she arrives I'll simply tell her to have a little talk with Barney. We'll get to the bottom of this somehow. I'm just glad Sammy III shows no sign of magical ability--yet!"

Lady Sybil wrapped a consoling arm around her husband's shoulder. "And it isn't likely that he will. After all, there are no wizards on either side of his family and while he studied agro-mancy, Connie and Wolfe are the ones who run the Research Center. Whenever he needs magical assistance, he just pays for it."

"Hmpf. The Disc's greatest labor saving device is a bag full of dollars," Vimes retorted sourly.

*****

Captain Angua had taken a first class cabin on the Ankh and Sto Plains Hygienic Railway to Quirm followed by a coach ride to the Stibbons' family manor house. She arrived with Vimes' clacks in her hands, well crumpled from repeated reading. The request was clear enough. Interview Barney, young Gracious Stibbons' beloved puppy, and find out just how the two of them communicated. To the werewolf, talking to a Lancrestrian Mountain dog was a simple enough task but for a two year old human to be able to do the same sounded--at least outrageous if not completely impossible. But Vimes had also told her that the baby also regularly started small cooking fires with a command and put them out with another. The mystery was irresistible. There was something odd about the wee thing and Angua was all about solving mysteries, or at least crimes. In this case, though, the 'perpetrator' was guaranteed to be cute, something that didn't often happen in the Big Wahoonie.

Getting down from the coach at the manor house, she found Commander Vimes and a maid waiting for her. "Angua," he said after welcoming her, "it may be best if you follow young Sequin here to your room and then Change before you come down to meet Barney. As I said he is a puppy but he's a Lancrestrian Mountain Dog puppy and seems to be developing a very protective attitude toward Gracious. I'll meet you at your room and you can just come with me downstairs as my 'dog'."

"Not a bad approach," Angua replied, "it will keep from alarming the other guests when I start barking at Barney."

"Actually, that shouldn't be a problem. Connie, Penny, Wolfe and young Sam are all graduate wizards and are fully aware of the Differently Alive. Besides, Connie and Penny have a resident Bogey so a werewolf would only disturb some of the staff. I'm more concerned with Barney. As I said, he's a puppy but he is a verylargepuppy who is very attached to his girl. It just seems like a good idea for you to encounter him as a wolf. I could be wrong but..."