My New Personal Assistant

My New Personal Assistant: Chapter 35 - Our own protocol

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MATT

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I stirred in my sleep, about to shift position. But then I realized my hand was covered by something warm and firm. I peered through my eyelashes and saw my hand resting on Thomas's chest, his hand holding mine. A wave of warmth filled me entirely, and I had to smile. He was so beautiful sleeping.

I felt the urge to roll from my side onto my back, but seeing this felt so incredibly special. I couldn't bring myself to move. I watched his palm over mine and smiled. Could I really be with him now? I didn't want the world outside to exist.

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Thomas stirred and tightened his grip on my hand, turning his head away from me. I just watched him. I wouldn't have dared to move even if I weren't as tired as I was. I refused to change position and closed my eyes to sleep a little longer like this. I hoped that when he woke up he'd see it too, and feel as full as I did.

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I drifted back to sleep.

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THOMAS

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I woke far later than I was accustomed to. The sun was already high, and I realized Matt's hand was resting on my chest and I was holding it. I absently traced the skin on the back of his hand and turned to look at him. He was fast asleep. Breathing evenly, lying on his side. What a remarkable man. How much would I want to love him freely?

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He ticked every box for me and had even shown me ones I'd never thought to consider. It was breaking my heart that I couldn't stop seeing the "but."

Why was that? I no longer believed he was only in this for the pain. He craved intimacy as much as he craved intensity. I no longer believed the only reason he stayed was that I was the one person he could fight in bed.

It was as if he really did love me. Honestly, he acted as if he might be gay, yet the word itself seemed to be something traumatic for him. As if he weren't just in the closet but sealed inside a deep underground bunker, refusing even to acknowledge it existed. Could he ever love me openly? I worried he couldn't. Could I make peace with that?

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I set his hand gently on the pillow and got up. I washed, then went down to clean the couch and tidy the music room. I kept thinking the whole time about the life I'd be accepting if I chose to love this person.

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I came back up the stairs and opened the bedroom door. I just stood there watching him. My phone rang, and I moved quickly to answer it before it woke him.

"Noah?"

"Hi, Tom. Where are you?"

"Right, sorry, something came up. I forgot to message you."

"No, it's fine. Is everything all right, though?"

I smiled at the sleeping man in my bed and stepped out of the room.

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"Honestly, I have no idea," I grinned, walking to the kitchen.

"Anything we can help with?"

"No. Just a man messing with my head."

"Right, that straight one?"

"Yeah."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No... but thanks. Say hi to Lee. I'll see you Tuesday."

"Sure. Take care."

"You too."

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I brewed my tea and sat down thinking, when I heard the bedroom door and Matt calling my name. It reminded me of his voice breaking on my name as he came. A warmth spread through my chest, and I smiled to myself. "In here."

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MATT.

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I woke a little later. I moved my hand and found only a cool sheet and a soft pillow. I opened my eyes to an empty bed.

I sat up and looked around. "Thomas?"

I stood. My head ached slightly, but manageably. I saw the staircase door open. A smile crossed my face, and I went through the dungeon into the music room. There were no traces of the night before except for damp patches on the couch, as though he'd cleaned it. I turned and went up.

"Thomas?"

"In here."

I followed his voice. Thomas was in the kitchen at the small dining table, feet resting on the chair beside him, looking out of the window. He held a cup of tea in both hands. I came over and sat on the floor beside him, resting my head in his lap.

Thomas smiled and brushed my hair back.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Tommy."

He chuckled softly. "Sit with me, Matt."

He was about to move his feet when I stopped him and, taking hold of them, sat in the chair instead, settling them in my lap.

He watched me with that quiet smile.

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"Why are you dressed?"

"I don't usually walk around without clothes on."

"You did that weekend."

Thomas laughed. "That weekend we were having sex pretty much the whole time. There wasn't much point in getting dressed."

"Fair enough," I smirked.

Thomas just watched me.

"Hangover?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine."

I felt like something needed to be said, yet neither of us could bring himself to say it. I worried our reasons for the silence were different. I was afraid he'd ask me to leave, and that speaking would only bring it on sooner.

"Are you hungry?"

"Not really."

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"What do you really want, Matt?"

I smiled. "You."

He nodded. "I think I genuinely believe that now. But why?"

"Why does anyone want to be with anyone? I love the way I feel when I'm with you."

Thomas nodded again with that soft smile and took a sip.

"Why don't you want to be with me?" I asked.

"I worry it's just a phase for you. That I'll be a release of some kind but never enough. Or that I'll spend years loving you from inside the closet you're in."

I shook my head. "I don't think I could ever find someone who is more enough for me than you, Thomas."

Thomas smirked. "You really are a soft romantic underneath all of it, aren't you, Matt?"

I nodded with a smile. "Yes."

Thomas chuckled and looked at me, resting his chin on his palm.

"All the more reason to worry."

"Because I won't say I'm gay?"

"No. Because there must be a real reason why you still don't."

I nodded. "So what now?"

"I'm sitting here thinking about exactly that."

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"And?"

"And, to recap." Thomas sighed with a smile and shifted in his seat, setting down his cup but keeping both hands wrapped around it.

"You can't be gay, whatever that word means to you. You're not a sub, either. A brat, perhaps, but the more I see you, the more I believe you simply love sex with pain and pleasure woven together. And yet you're not here only for that. You crave intimacy with me. To be loved, even. And you're willing to go to considerable lengths for it. So it's not only about the release of a hard fuck."

"No, I think that was mainly what drew me in at first."

"Yes, I see it the same way."

"But I do enjoy it a great deal!"

He nodded with a grin. "Yes, I believe you do."

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"Is BDSM only about pain?"

"No. Pain doesn't even need to be part of it. BDSM is primarily a state of mind. Most people find pleasure in control, either having it or surrendering it. There's freedom on both sides."

"Like the structure you built for Owen?"

"For example. But Owen isn't the most representative case."

"Why?"

"His conditioning was already established long before we met. I simply adjusted it to fit what I wanted."

"Then do you have a better example?"

"I'd say Sean. He was new to all of this when we got together. I built a structure for him from scratch. We talked at great length about what he wanted to achieve in his life, and I made sure he excelled at it. From how he conducted himself to how he dressed or what he ate."

"So you did it for him?"

"No, I did it for both of us. We both took pleasure from the process."

I frowned. "Then why did you break up?"

"Sean never wanted children. He'd built a very successful company, and he preferred to focus solely on that."

I scoffed. "Was there a point in having you once you'd made him successful?"

Thomas tensed and looked at me steadily. "You're seeing this from a very limited perspective, Matt. It wasn't a transactional arrangement, nor was he using me. Some people feel free when decisions are made by someone they trust completely. Owen, for example, was driven and assertive in every part of his professional life for so long that being stripped of that control gave him room to breathe."

"Is that what you look for in a partner?"

"It was."

"Have you ever had a relationship without any of that?"

"Vanilla?"

I shrugged. "Yes."

"Yes."

"And?"

"And it was fine, but I can't say I didn't miss something. We were young, and I didn't know as much about myself then. It was my first long-term relationship, and the only experience I'd had with hurting a partner was Derek, which I'd come to see as toxic. So when I was with Noah, I thought I should try to be normal. I loved him, and I was willing to live that way, but I knew something was missing."

"Noah? You mean as in your friend Noah?"

"Yes. We dated for two years before he moved to Europe. We stayed friends afterward."

Right. So he's friends with two of his exes and can't stand the one I'm friends with. Wonderful. And am I really a jealous person now? Because I didn't like this one bit.

"You were willing to be with him even though something was missing?"

"I'm loyal to the person I choose. And there were many things I valued in that relationship."

"Did you fight in bed with him?"

Thomas laughed. "No. Noah is a gentle giant. We sparred often, of course, but it never aroused Noah in the slightest."

"Did it arouse you?"

Thomas looked at me, amused. "No."

"Right. Of course not," I muttered.

Thomas shook his head. "It's different with you. I love dominating men, but I think the last time I'd fought someone in order to have them before you was Derek. The thing is, Matt, you've never really seen me fully dominant. I've never let anyone be as openly defiant as you are. Even when other partners chose to play the brat, I put an end to it quickly and put them back in their place in a way that made them think twice about trying again."

"Why? I can see you enjoy it with me."

"Honestly, I didn't enjoy it with them. Or, I enjoyed correcting the behaviour, but no one ever had the nerve to push back the way you do. You endured more in a single weekend than some managed in months. What I did to you then would have made some of them seriously reconsider staying."

"Even Owen?" Owen was tougher than me in most respects. I couldn't picture him having less tolerance.

"Owen was never a brat. I can't think of a single time he pushed my limits, showed disrespect, or disobeyed me."

"I see. So that time I tied you up and fucked you, I really had overpowered you?"

Thomas straightened his spine and looked at me with something I couldn't read. "Yes."

I glowed. "And you loved it."

Thomas sighed and looked at me strangely. "Yes."

I leaned back with a satisfied smirk and held his feet in my lap.

"So you think you could be happy with what the two of us have?"

"You mean as a secret?"

I frowned. That landed low.

"Emotionally and sexually, yes. The secrecy is genuinely difficult for me. And regardless of how much I enjoy what we have, you have to admit it's toxic."

"Can we even do anything about that? Look, we love each other, despite everything. It's not as though we have much of a choice." I shrugged and smirked at him.

Thomas looked at me seriously. "There is love as a feeling, Matt, and love as a choice. One can't control what one feels, but one can decide whether to act on it. Forgive me for this example, but someone who has been in an abusive relationship may love the person who hurt them and still choose to leave, to heal, and to let that feeling dissolve over time."

I frowned. That example was completely out of order.

"Am I your abuser? Or did you mean my mother?"

"I didn't mean anyone in particular, Matt. I was only trying to show that even when we love someone who isn't right for us, we have the option to walk away rather than pursue something that isn't good for either of us."

"I'm trying hard not to take that personally, but it's a bit difficult," I said quietly.

"Fair enough. If you want a direct answer, yes, we can do something about the toxicity. We can either work on it together, or we can choose not to act on what we feel."

"Fine. How do we work on it?"

Thomas raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise. Was that really so unexpected? I want to be with him. How much clearer could I possibly be?

Thomas shook his head and grinned. "I don't have all the answers, Matty."

I grinned back. Yes! That wall is down again.

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I slid from the chair, sat on the floor beneath him, and pulled him down toward me, wrapping my arms around his waist. I smiled up at him before kissing his neck and settling my head on his shoulder. His arms came around me, and I heard his soft laugh.

"You said we could create our own protocol, and that you'd respect it. Do you want to try?"

"You forgot to add the other option shaped to look like a choice but lead to the same place."

Thomas pulled back and looked into my eyes. "You are an intensely difficult brat, Matt."

I grinned. "Yes. You should put that on the list we're about to make."

Thomas laughed and stood up.

"Go wash and come to my study."

"Yes, Master," I said, with full cheek.

Thomas turned and smirked. "Brat."

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...

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I found him sitting behind his computer and came over, kneeling beside his chair and resting my head in his lap. I liked doing this, for some reason. He brushed my hair and smiled.

"I don't think you enjoy the part about giving up control. Am I right?"

"It's not that I mind it exactly. I just don't see much appeal in having someone decide what I eat or wear. Being told what to do from time to time is fine. But having it govern everything feels strange to me."

"Same with the positions."

"Well... yes."

"I will still want those, though."

"Really?"

"Could you try it for me?"

"I mean, sure... but why does it matter so much to you?"

"It's practical, and it gives me considerable pleasure to see you hold a position, or to punish you when you don't."

I rolled my eyes and exhaled. "I suppose I can try. I also thought calling you Master was going to feel silly, and then I saw your eyes react to it, and now I'm almost addicted to it."

Thomas grinned and kissed me deeply. "I love hearing that, Matty."

I smiled back at him, a little dazed.

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"Sit here and fill this out for me."

"What is it?"

"The first questionnaire I give to my subs. Just the basics. I'm fairly sure I already know your answers, but I'd like you to do it regardless."

"All right."

I sat in front of the screen and saw a simple website.

"Do I need to register?"

"No, you can do it anonymously."

"Fine."

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Orientation. I looked at Thomas. He watched me with that steady smile. I clicked to see the options.

Strictly heterosexual Heteroflexible/bicurious Bisexual/pansexual Homoflexible Strictly lesbian/gay Other/Prefer not to disclose

I got stuck on the fifth question. This would be fun.

Fine. I clicked Other/Prefer not to disclose. Without looking at Thomas, I filled out the rest quickly, working through the whole questionnaire.

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I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.

I smirked at Thomas and clicked Absolutely agree.

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I like receiving pain during sex/BDSM and seeing the results afterward (marks, bruises, etc.)

I grinned. Absolutely agree.

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I prefer making sexual decisions for my partner, as this gives me more control.

I thought about this one. I looked at Thomas. He just smiled.

"Just fill it however feels most honest."

"Right, I've just never thought about it this way."

"If I were to do whatever you told me, would you enjoy seeing me comply, and to what degree?"

I imagined it. It was appealing. But not as much as when he dominated me. I clicked one step short of agreement, rather agree.

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I don't mind a little playful resistance from my partner. In the end, I'll win anyway.

I smirked. "Do I win anyway?"

"Would you want to?"

"Not really. Well, it's exciting, but if you weren't that challenging, I don't think the victory would mean much." The word "little" made me settle on Agree rather than Absolutely agree.

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I like forcing my partner into submission much more than them submitting spontaneously.

Agree.

"I enjoy it more when you willingly let go. Even when you let me fuck you, I still feel like you're the one in charge, not me taking something."

"Do you prefer it that way?"

"Yes. But overpowering you is a very different feeling."

"I know what you mean."

I smiled.

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Feeling physically overpowered is one of the most liberating sexual feelings.

Absolutely agree.

I would like to have sex with multiple people at the same time.

"Hmm. It was good, but I'd rather have just you."

Rather agree.

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Next page.

Ideally, I could command my partner and they'd obey like a puppet no matter what.

"Is that genuinely your ideal?" I looked at Thomas, who smirked.

"I enjoy it a great deal."

"Fair enough."

Rather disagree.

"Let me try this at some point, but be ready for me to fight hard not to roll my eyes."

"If we do a session like that and you've agreed to it, be prepared for me to punish exactly that kind of disrespect." Thomas's devious smile was back. We both grinned, and I felt my blood start to move.

"Deal." I grinned.

Thomas kissed me, possessive and deliberate. "Deal."

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I worked through the rest of the questionnaire page by page. By the time I finished, the conversation with Thomas about each question had gone in such a direction that we were both hard and leaking.

In the end, the results read:

100% Masochist

100% Rope bunny

100% Primal (Prey)

100% Brat

98% Degradee

96% Experimentalist

94% Rigger

92% Voyeur

90% Submissive

87% Primal (Hunter)

87% Brat tamer

81% Sadist

81% Dominant

79% Switch

59% Degrader

55% Exhibitionist

34% Master/Mistress

34% Slave

22% Owner

19% Vanilla

17% Pet

15% Non-monogamist

10% Daddy/Mommy

0% Boy/Girl

0% Age player

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Thomas laughed when he saw it.

"What?"

"Nothing. I think I agree."

"Do you have yours?"

"Yes."

"Can I see it?"

Thomas took the keyboard and logged in.

"You did this today? While I was in the shower?"

"Yes, I was curious whether anything had changed."

He opened the results:

100% Sadist

100% Rigger

100% Degrader

98% Dominant

96% Master/Mistress

96% Voyeur

89% Primal (Hunter)

79% Brat tamer

68% Experimentalist

58% Exhibitionist

50% Owner

50% Masochist

38% Switch

37% Rope bunny

28% Vanilla

27% Primal (Prey)

27% Non-monogamist

19% Submissive

13% Daddy/Mommy

3% Degradee

2% Brat

0% Pet

0% Boy/Girl

0% Slave

0% Age player

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I laughed. "Your vanilla score is even higher than mine."

"Interesting." He smiled and bit lightly at my neck.

I looked at him with a grin.

"So am I your sub now?"

"Do you want to be?"

I was very hard by this point, and the way he was looking at me was making it difficult to think.

"I definitely want to try it, but not as a full-time thing."

He nodded. "I never expected that."

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I smiled. "Good, because I've made a reservation at Frais for Valentine's, and I want to go as equals."

Thomas straightened up above me. "You want to take me to dinner on Valentine's Day?"

"Yes. I asked for the private room we were in last time, if that's available. I genuinely wanted to do more than eat the last time we were there. I had to order a coffee just to stay until my cock calmed down after you left. I overtipped the staff because they were particularly kind when I rang about the reservation. And with the pandemic circling, who knows when we'll next have the chance."

Thomas grinned at me. "You constantly baffle me, Matty."

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face against him, breathing him in.