Becoming My True Self

Summer Continued

The next day was interesting. I didn't have work that day as I usually had Sundays and Mondays off. When I woke up, I was still in disbelief that I had met Tim and sucked his cock all in one day. At least with Mike, I had seen him a couple times first. I wrestled with several things. Should I have been more cautious considering that Tim was married? Did I need to make a rule that I wouldn't suck the cocks of married men who were being unfaithful?

I got up and went for a run. I had picked up running in absence of being able to go to the gym for free at school during the summer. During my run, I churned these things over in my head. I did enjoy myself a lot last night. In fact, I had come home completely revved up after sucking Tim's cock. My T dick was rock hard the entire drive home, and I basically rushed to my room to jerk off. I thought about how loud Tim was and how much he enjoyed things. I even liked that he wanted to keep in touch. I wrestled with that thought. Should I keep in touch?

I spent the rest of the day going back and forth over whether I'd agree to meet up with Tim again if he reached out. By the end of that night, I had settled on it. I would not be meeting up with him again. The situation was just too risky, and it had the potential to backfire tremendously. The city we lived in wasn't small but it also wasn't huge. My dad knew Larry, the owner of the hardware store where I worked, and it seemed like Larry had known Tim for some years. I wouldn't be surprised if Larry also knew Tim's wife. I could just see the whole thing blowing up in my face.

That night, I lay in bed watching tv thinking about what my next move would be. If not Tim, then I knew it was just a matter of time before I needed to suck cock again. I would need to find someone else. I pulled out my phone and opened an incognito tab on my web browser. I typed in "looking to suck cock." The search turned up mostly porn sites. Most of them I was very familiar with. Then I saw something. It was a forum of sorts it seemed. I clicked on it and it read "Cocksuckers Connection" across the top. I scrolled through the different messages and entries. It seemed like I wasn't the only one searching for cock to suck that wasn't just on gay apps or in gay clubs.

The first entry read,

"So hard to find a nice rugged guy who wants their cock sucked by another guy!"

I was taken aback by the bluntness of it, but intrigued. I read the replies. Most of them were agreeing in solidarity. Then I saw one that read,

"You should try this app called CS-Connect. It's a little janky, but it's mostly lots of guys looking to get their cocks sucked and their balls drained..."

I barely finished the rest of the message before I was in the app store downloading the app. Once CS-Connect was installed on my phone, I quickly made an account. It was like most other dating apps I'd tried, though it was definitely slower. The graphics were also very outdated, but the app overall seemed functional. I uploaded a picture of my face, but then thought better of it and swapped it with a pick of my bare torso. Ever since I had been hitting the gym during the school year and running regularly in the summer, I was feeling quite proud of my body. I was looking lean and more toned than I'd ever been. I quickly filled out the bio. I wrote,

"20 year old trans guy. I love sucking and swallowing cock. I love getting on my knees and making a guy moan loudly until he cums in my mouth. I promise to drink every drop."

I admired my handy work. I tried to be as straight forward as possible. I wanted to suck cock and take loads. Then I remembered something and added,

"No married guys!"

I uploaded my completed profile and was able to scan nearby profiles. It was disappointingly sparse in my area. There was one guy that was about 40 miles away. He didn't seem like my type at all though. A quick look at his profile revealed that he was 73 looking to "fuck a young hole." I scrunched my face up at the words. I guess I couldn't be that judgemental. He was, afterall, being as straight forward as possible. I spent a few more minutes looking around at the different profiles available in the area. All at that time were older men. Basically the same crowd I'd seen at the club a few nights before. I guess I couldn't be too surprised. The city I lived in was known for being a retiree retreat. I finally got bored and put my phone back in my pocket, disappointed that the new app yielded nothing.

Just then my phone buzzed. I pulled it out curious if I was getting a ping from a profile I had not yet seen. I looked and it was a text from Tim. I opened it.

"Hey, you free tonight?" It read.

Surprisingly, I wasn't annoyed with his text. I stared at it for a few minutes when another one came though.

"Just asking because I have the house to myself."

I felt a twinge in my crotch. As much as I hated to admit it, my interest was definitely piqued. So far I had sucked cock in a shed, in an alley, and in a small bathroom stall. The idea of being able to suck cock in the comfort and privacy of a house sounded lovely. But why was he alone? Where was his wife and child? Another message came through.

"I could really use a repeat of last night." It read.

Fuck. I could feel myself starting to get turned on with the reminder of sucking his cock the night before. I started thinking about how attractive he was. His blond hair. Those green eyes. Those moans and whimpers when his cock was in my throat. That primal yell when he shot his load in my mouth. Another message came through.

"My dick is so hard right now thinking about it."

Then another message came though. It was a photo of Tim's hard cock. His hand was gripping it firmly as though he had been jerking off. I could see a little drop of precum on the tip. Another message came though.

"Come over now?" It read.

My T dick throbbed in my underwear and before my rational mind had time to remind me that I wasn't going to meet with him again, I was up and pulling on a hoodie and socks and my shoes.

"Address?" I hurriedly texted back.

"852 Cedar Ave. You can park across the street. Come around the garage to the back door when you get here."

I was in mode. In a blur even, driven only by my need to suck cock. I couldn't even help myself or resist. My rational mind tried to chime in as I grabbed my wallet and keys to the spare car. "He's married! It's too risky!" It tried to yell. But it was no use. I needed to suck Tim's cock again. I needed to make him whimper and moan and yell out loud as he shot his cum down my throat.

I checked the time. It was 11pm. When I got downstairs, my dad was in the living room watching tv. I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to run to Triodo's, a box store in the city that was open 24 hours, for a few things. I wasn't entirely sure he bought it, but he also didn't push me for more info. He just told me to be careful at this time of night.

I practically ran out of the house as I typed Tim's address into my phone's gps app. I sped the entire 15 minutes it took to get to his neighborhood. I was raving horny at the thought of what was to come. I pulled up in front of a small house with an attached garage. I double checked the address and it was indeed Tim's house, so I parked across the street like he'd asked and shot him a text.

"Here."

I got out of the car and approached the house. It was cute, but even in the dark I could see that it was a little run down. The lawn definitely hadn't been mowed in a couple weeks. The railing on the front porch was leaning severely, and the mailbox out front near the curb was dented pretty good. I shifted my focus as I could see a light inside of the house turn on. I walked up the driveway and saw what I assumed was Tim's large, white worktruck parked there. I ducked behind the garage into the backyard. As soon as I came to the back porch, I could see Tim standing on the top step waiting for me.

"Hey!" He said, greeting me warmly.

It was a little strange, as I was used to Mike's colder demeanor.

"Hey! How's your night been?" I asked walking up.

He sighed heavily.

"It's not been the best....but, it can only go up from here, right?" He said.

I wanted to ask the obvious question of where his wife and kid were, but thought against it. I just nodded.

"We'll be in here." Tim said, motioning to the garage.

I was a little disappointed, as I had imagined we'd be in the comforts of a house. Tim must have sensed my disappointment.

"Don't worry, it's a pretty comfy space. It's my workshop/office/mancave." He said, "Follow me."

He turned and walked into the house and I followed behind him. We walked into a brightly lit, small kitchen. I could see a small table in the center of the room with two wooden chairs on either side and a baby's high chair in the middle. I felt that pang of guilt. What was I doing at this guy's house? I didn't have long to ponder this as Tim walked across the room to a door and walked inside. I followed behind him as he flipped on the lights.

As I walked into the space, I could see that we had entered the attached garage. It was indeed a workshop/office/mancave. In one corner there was a small desk and office chair. The desk was covered in papers and receipts. There was a closed laptop on top of the papers. The corner adjacent to the desk contained a wooden workbench. There were weird tools all over it and even more tools hanging on the wall above it. There were a few small appliances and machines surrounding the space.

"Over here," Tim said, motioning to the other side of the garage.

I turned my attention from the workshop and office area to see a third space. There was an old sofa with a tv across from it mounted on the wall. The sofa sat atop a large circular, area rug. There was a side table next to one side of the sofa and a minifridge on the other side that was also serving as another side table. It was minimal but cozy. Tim walked over to the minifridge and grabbed himself a beer.

"You want one?" He asked, cracking the can open and taking a large gulp.

"Yeah, I'll take one," I said, plopping down on the sofa.

Tim grabbed another can of beer and plopped down next to me, placing the beer in my lap.

"Thanks," I said.

I opened the beer and drank from it fast. Tim matched my energy and started chugging his. We were both clearly a bit nervous, now having more time to fully realize what we were getting into. I finished my beer and started to feel the alcohol going straight to my head. I was now able to take in the sight of Tim. He looked much younger than he had yesterday now that he was no longer in his work coveralls. He wore jeans and a fitted T-shirt with some band I had never heard of plastered across the front. His hair was in a bun on top of his head. He looked quite handsome, the clothes making him look more youthful and free.

"You wanna put something on TV?" He asked.

"Sure," I said, thinking that the tv would help fill in the awkward silence.

Tim grabbed the remote from the side table and flipped the tv on. He flipped through a few channels and settled on ESPN. There was a baseball game on. I knew next to nothing about sports, but the background noise was a welcome distraction. I realized I was stalling. Even though I was still very horny and wanted to suck his cock, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on. Why was he home alone right now? Where was his wife and kid? I decided to just ask.

"Do you get the house to yourself often?" I asked casually and carefully.

Tim raised an eyebrow. He knew what I was getting at.

"I won't bullshit you. The wife and I got into an argument. Things got pretty heated and she said she needed some space, so she went to her parents with the baby for the night."

I nodded, taking in the information. I wasn't sure what to feel about it.

"Listen, I know it's easy to judge my situation and draw your own conclusions, but I promise you things are wayyyy more complicated than it seems." Tim said.

"Hey, I'm not judging you or anything," I said.

"It's just that Erika and I have been together for a long time...basically since we were in middle school. We got married right out of high school and a lot has happened with us over the years. We really did love each other for a while, but the marriage has pretty much been dead for the last 3 or 4 years now. When we both turned 30 a couple years ago, we talked about getting a divorce and just going our separate ways...that was until we had that stupid, drunken night. Now baby Eli is here. Erika had a pretty rough pregnancy and birth. She had to have a few surgeries and the recovery has been long, so she's not been working. I basically work 7 days a week to take care of her and Eli, and they both need me right now. I can't just leave. She knows that and I know that. So, we just make do right now. We're basically cordial friends who take care of Eli. Maybe in a few years when he starts preschool and Erika can go back to work full time, we can figure out something, but until then, this is where we are."

Tim got up and grabbed more beers for us both. I sat there digesting what he'd just shared with me. He was right. I had prejudged a lot about his situation. It was definitely super complicated. Tim sat another beer in my lap and then plopped down on the sofa next to me. I opened my can of beer and took a few hearty gulps.

"Sorry to hear about that," I said, "It must be super stressful. And I'm sure you probably feel stuck in this."

"Yeah, it does suck some days, but yknow...I love Eli. Hell, I still love Erika. I know she still loves me too. I just don't think we're in love with each other anymore. I don't think we have been for some years now. We definitely don't have sex at all anymore. Haven't at all since the night Eli was conceived, so it's been a couple years." Tim said, gulping down more beer.

I took in this information and had another thought.

"So, am I the first guy you've done....this with?" I asked.

Tim chuckled and then drank more beer.

"Um...no," He said, "There was another guy about 6 months ago. I actually hadn't even thought about hooking up with a guy until he came along."

"Oh," I said, drinking more of my beer, "Well, what happened?"

"Well, like I said...things between Erika and me have been dead for a while. Over the years I did have flings with other women here and there, but I started to feel guilty about it. I mean, Erika and I hadn't explicitly talked about having an open marriage, but she basically stopped wanting to have sex some years ago. I think she knew that I was getting my needs met elsewhere. It was all very 'don't ask, don't tell.' She just kinda let it happen and didn't bother me about it as long as I was respectful. I started to feel really guilty though, especially after Erika got pregnant. I told myself I needed to stop until we had a formal conversation about it, so I did."

Tim chugged the rest of his beer and continued.

"About 6 months ago I was on a job. During this time Erika and I were just not getting along at all. I think the stress of the pregnancy and the birth, the surgies and the sleep deprivation that both of us were experiencing were just wrecking havoc on us. We were barely speaking to one another. I was basically a shell of a person. I'd go to work each day, usually working a 10-12hrs easily, and then come home. When I got home, I had to give Erika a break from the baby because she was still healing from everything, so I'd make us dinner and then bathe Eli and put him to bed. By 10pm, I'd be wiped, so I'd come out here and drink beers and jerk off and watch tv until I passed out. It was a very bleak existence."

Tim set his empty beer can on the side table.

"That all changed when I got a house call. I had already been to this house a few times over the months. It was owned by this young guy who inherited it from his grandparents. It was one of those older Victorian houses on Canal St. The place really needed to be gutted and rewired, but the guy refused to shell out the money for it, so instead I got house calls every couple months to put bandaids on problems. And like he was obviously....yknow...gay or whatever. He'd definitely flirt with me sometimes, but I didn't really pay it any mind. A job is a job and we needed the money."

Tim's face turned amused.

"Well, one day he called me over to check out something with the breaker box in the basement. While I was working, he hung out in the basement and we just chatted. He was pretty easy to talk to and next thing I know, I'm pouring my heart out and telling him about all my problems. Telling him all about Erika and Eli and how I was so tired and stressed out and hadn't had sex in over a year. He started telling me how Erika was crazy to not want to fuck me anymore and how he'd kill to have a guy like me fuck him. Well, one thing led to another and he's touching my chest and kissing me. Next thing I know, I'm bending him over a table in his basement, and I'm railing him within an inch of his life. I was just pouring all of my stress and frustration into fucking him. It was all very primal and aggressive. I fucked him with everything I had pent up in me, which wasn't even that long. I maybe lasted all of 3 minutes before I shot my load."

I finished my beer as I listened to Tim explain. Everything was becoming clearer. So, he had done this before. He probably also knew what he was doing the day before when he was flirting with me. Tim continued.

"When it was over and I came to my senses, I pretty much booked it out of there. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I'd never thought of myself as gay. I'm very attracted to women. Anyway, I put a stop to it. I called him and told him that I could no longer be his electrician and that I had crossed the line. He seemed to understand though he did sound disappointed. I just moved on with my life. I went back to working nonstop and feeling stressed and pent up and like a shell of myself. Then yesterday, I walked into Larry's and you're there. You were giving the same energy as the guy at the Victorian on Canal, and then you invited me to come back later. I just sorta lost control again."

"Why did you call me over tonight then? It seems like you don't actually want this." I said.

"Well, I had all day to think about this. Just about yesterday and that time with the other guy. I figure, the reason I keep losing control is because I'm not taking care of things in the moment, yknow? I'm working myself down to the bone. I'm trying to be a good father to my kid and a good co-parent with Erika. I've just been neglecting myself. I've decided I'm no longer doing that. It's fine if Erika no longer wants to have sex, but it doesn't mean I just get to suffer. I got home from work today and we got into a stupid argument about me working too late everyday, even though we need the money. It got loud and escalated and Eli started screaming. Erika has been really adamant about not raising him in a hostile household, so she grabbed Eli and stormed out. Said she was going to stay at her mom's for the night to clear her head and have some peace. After she left, I came out here to cool off and had a couple beers. Got horny and decided I wanted a blowjob, and instead of ignoring the urge like I normally do, I texted you."

I just sat there in silence for a moment. This was such a wild switch of things. Going from Mike who was very reserved and mysterious and didn't want to keep in touch after our encounters to Tim who was telling me so much about himself and his life. He had my number and wasn't afraid to use it.

"So...what about you?" Tim asked, breaking the silence, "I'm guessing I'm not the first cock you've sucked."

"You're not," I said, "There was one guy before you. Back at my college."