The A.V. Club

A Novel by J.K. Ermon (jokermon)

Chapter Twelve: Thoroughly Thursdayed or, The Seahag Kiss

This is a work of erotic fantasy fiction for the entertainment of adults only. Everything in this story is imaginary and is not meant to represent any real-life people, events, or medical conditions. It contains explicit futanari (hermaphrodite) content. If that's not your thing, or if reading this type of material is unlawful where you reside, don't read it. All characters in sexual situations are 18 years of age or older, even if it seems otherwise for dramatic or narrative purposes. Please enjoy this story responsibly and do not repost without permission. This story is copyright©2016 J.K. Ermon.

~~~

"What in God's name isthat?"

It was the next morning. My mother was standing at the kitchen window, the one that overlooked our front lawn. She was staring at my car.

The LeSabre was a beast, four doors, three hundred horses and enough trunk space for a Jacuzzi. We technically had a two-car garage, but my dad kept all the gardening equipment in there beside the station wagon. There was no space for my Buick. I had to leave it in the driveway.

I hadn't told my folks about the new car yet. I didn't discuss the purchase with them beforehand because I suspected they might forbid it. They had an abhorrence for what they called 'frivolous spending.'

I'd been keeping it parked around the corner. After I dropped Emily off the night before, I'd driven to a late-night service station and picked up a bunch of upholstery cleaning products. I then spent an hour scrubbing theeau de whorehouseout of the back seat. I drove home with all the windows down to air it out. I prayed it was enough. I got in late and too exhausted to be secretive, so I left it in the driveway while I staggered off to bed.

"Oh Bobby," my mother said, "youdidn't."

I tried to shrug it off. "I had to get one sooner or later. Patrick got the Chrysler when he went to college."

"But you're not in college yet. You haven't even finishedhigh school."

She sounded very upset.

"I got a really good deal on it, Mom."

This was true. The 1964 Buick LeSabre went for about three-and-a-half grand brand new. With only fifteen thousand miles on the odometer, Mark and Donnie practically gave it to me for seven hundred.

My mother was staring at it with a mixture of horror and loathing. "It's so...gaudy."

I couldn't dispute that. The paint job was a pale yellow the manufacturer calledSunburst.It was bright and eye-catching, but also quick to get dingy. The slightest bit of dirt was immediately visible.

"It runs fine, Mom. That's all that matters."

"Did you even get insurance?"

I heaved a sigh. "It's not a requirement, Mom." Nor would it be, in Ohio, until 1970. "And I'm a very careful driver."

This was also true. Mark, Jack and Donnie often compared my driving to that of an elderly spinster.

My sister came out and joined us at the window. "Hey, whose car is that?"

"Your brother's," Mom said grimly. "But not for long."

"What'sthatsupposed to mean?" I asked.

"It looks like a big banana," Alison giggled.

"It means," my mother said, "you're taking it back."

"What? The hell I am!"

"You watch your mouth, young man!"

My father came into the kitchen. "What's all the commotion?"

"Bobby bought a car without asking," Alison crowed.

"What?"

My mother gestured dramatically out the window. "Justlookat it." She turned to me. "Why would you spend so much money when you have college in the fall?"

"Mom," I said, struggling for patience, "I have a full-ride scholarship."

"Well, yes, to Berkeley, but..."

"But what? I'm going to Berkeley."

To my surprise, something that looked like panic lit up in my mother's eyes. "Now just a minute," she said. "You won scholarships to other schools."

"Yeah, but none as good."

"Hold your horses, everybody," broke in my father. "Nothing's been decided about Bobby's college."

"What's to decide?" I could feel my temperature rising. "It's one of the best schools in the country and they're covering all my expenses."

"But..." my mother looked a little wild-eyed. "That's on the other side of the country. That'sCalifornia."

"So? You think I'm going to stayheremy whole life?"

My mother gasped and recoiled like I'd slapped her. To my utter astonishment, tears filled her eyes. Without another word, she rushed from the kitchen. We heard her thumping up the stairs and then the master bedroom door slammed.

There was a stunned silence.

Alison spoke up. "Are we...not having breakfast today?"

"No," my dad sighed and threw me a grim look. "Bobby's driving us to Augie's."

~~~

I was more nervous about that trip to Augie's Diner than my driver's test. My dad sat shotgun and I knew he was not only paying attention to my driving, but also to every noise and nuance of my car's performance. When we pulled into Augie's, I was relieved the engine hadn't stalled or made any knocking sounds.

"It smells like bleach back here," grumbled Alison from the rear. "And..." she sniffed. "Those fancy chocolates Aunt Judy gets us at Christmas."

Dad handed her a five-dollar bill. "Go in there and get our breakfasts to go. Scrambled eggs, hash browns and toast for me and your mom. Get yourself whatever you want. Bobby?"

"Denver omelette," I said.

"So I'm a waitress now?" Alison said rebelliously.

"Fair enough. Tip Augie fifteen percent and you can keep the change. But," Dad raised a finger. "Bring the receipt."

She went inside.

Out of the blue, my father said, "Well, what in the name of blue blazes broughtthison, Bobby?"

I realized this was the real reason for the trip to Augie's. This private talk.

"The car? It was time, that's all. Besides, I got it for a song. I don't know what everyone's flipping out about."

"A car is a huge responsibility. Personal and financial. It represents a significant step forward in your life."

"I know that. And like I said, it was time."

"Time for you, but perhaps not for your mother and me. Did you think about that?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Bobby...your mother took it very hard when your brother moved out last fall."

"He's hardly moved out," I scoffed. "He comes home every other weekend for free laundry and meals."

"Even so, it wasn't easy for her," he said. "And now hereyouare. Chomping at the bit to go so far away that even the odd weekend visit would be impossible. What brought this on?"

I looked at him. I'd always thought of my father as a timid man. I wasn't seeing any of that now. He was looking at me with a steely gaze.

"Dad..." I felt absurdly defensive. "Every kid wants to leave home. That's just what happens. Come on."

"You could have eased her into Berkeley, instead of just dropping it on her like a bomb." His tone was reproachful. "I understand why you would take the best deal. But you must have noticed how depressed your mother's been since Patrick went to college. I don't know why you would throw Berkeley in her face like that."

I opened my mouth but no words came out. Ihadn'tnoticed.

All last fall I had carried on like a typical self-absorbed teenager. I ate the meals my mother put in front of me and put on the clean clothes she laid out. I paid little attention to her otherwise. I'd noticed her long silences, but never grasped what they meant. I had been as oblivious as Frank.

"Come on," I said again. I found myself struggling against a wave of guilt. "She didn'tsayanything. Am I supposed to be a mind reader?"

My father gave me a withering look. "For someone who's supposed to be so smart, Robert Goodman Halverson, you can be remarkably thick."

There was a very long silence after that.

"So why did you get the car, anyway?" My dad eventually asked.

"I have a girlfriend, now."

My father winced. "Oh, goodChrist.That poor girl."

"Dad," I protested.

He looked at his watch. "Okay. It'll be a few minutes before your sister comes back with the food. Let's go." He opened the door and got out. After a startled pause, I jumped out after him.

He walked into the Rittenhouse Pharmacy, which was a few storefronts down Point Pleasant's main drag from Augie's. I followed.

He pulled me into an empty aisle filled with greeting cards and fancy stationery. I was taller than he was, but the way he looked at me made me feel mighty small indeed.

"Okay," he said again. "This is what's happening. You're going to walk up to Ernie Rittenhouse there, and you're going to ask him for the biggest box of contraceptives he has."

"Seriously?" I squawked.

"If you can't do that," my father said implacably, "then clearly, you're not ready to date. Which means you have no need for that godawful banana-on-wheels."

"Seriously?"

He looked at his watch. "You have twenty seconds. If money has not changed hands by then, you forfeit your car." He squinted at his watch face. "Starting...now."

I opened my mouth.You can't be serious.I closed it. My dad was dead serious. I have no idea where he'd been hiding that gunslinger glare all these years, but it was there now, and there was no arguing with it. At long last, Dad was pulling rank on me as Man of the House. As preposterous and unfair as this sudden ultimatum was, he absolutely meant it.

Time seemed to slow down and my thoughts speeded up, coming one after the other in quick succession.

So, this is happening. Well...shit.

He doesn't think I can do it.

Hell,Idon't know if I can do it.

Just start walking. How hard can this be?

As it turned out, plenty.

~~~

I'm grateful that none of my kids ever had to endure the psychological gauntlet that buying condoms used to be. My kids all grew up in an age where ads for Trojans ran on prime-time television. Today, condoms are on pharmacy shelves next to the greeting cards.

When I was a kid, they were always kept behind the counter, and sometimes out-of-sight under the counter. You had to ask the grown-up at the register for them. It was a brutal, embarrassing ordeal. And that was intentional. It was legal for teenagers to buy condoms and other forms of birth control, but the grown-ups flat-out didn't want the kids using them. They thought making it shameful to buy rubbers was a deterrent to premarital sex. It wasn't. It was just another way adults made adolescence suck.

Getting to the counter was like walking through a block of clear, viscous sludge. I thanked my lucky stars there were no other customers lined up in front of me.

I cleared my throat with a dry, deathly clicking sound. Ernst Rittenhouse, Ernie to all of Point Pleasant, looked up and smiled. "What can I get you, Bobby?"

"I need some condoms, Ernie," I croaked, and was amazed I was able to say that much.

He frowned. "Is that so?"

It sounds strange, but his look of disapproval and disappointment genuinely wounded me. I'd known Ernie Rittenhouse my whole life. I'd bought red vines and bubble gum from him as a child. He'd given me free lollipops when I picked up prescriptions with my mother. And now I had to watch his good opinion of me crumble.

"Yes sir. I'm sorry sir. I really do need them, sir."

I hated the wheedling, desperate tone in my voice and I resented the hell out of my dad for putting me through this. I had thought having an emergent girlfriend meant I would be spared this unpleasant rite of passage, but apparently not. I swallowed again and put a two-dollar bill on the counter.

Ernie reached under the counter and brought out a box of twenty-four Trojans. He rang them up and gave me seventy-five cents change. His refusal to look me in the eye was hurtful. I pocketed the change and the condoms, turned and took off out of there. It wasn't a hot morning, but my armpits were soaking when I slammed myself back in the driver's seat of my car. My dad followed at a much more leisurely pace.

"That was...impressive," Dad remarked as he settled into the shotgun seat. "You must really like this girl."

The phrase,fuck you, old man,clamored behind my teeth. I kept it there, wisely. Anger, embarrassment and even more shameful relief that this whole Gom Jabbar experience was over fought for dominance in me.

"So I can keep the car now?" I tried to keep the sarcasm and resentment out of my voice.That I paid for with my own money?

"Yes." He put his hand on my arm. "And Bobby...for now, at least, let's not talk about Berkeley in front of your mother, hmm? Let's let her at leastthinkyou're considering other options."

"Fine," I said.

Dad sat back and sighed. It was one of those infuriating parental sighs that tells you they know you're being unreasonable and are magnanimously opting to ignore it.

Grrr. Fuck youtwice, old man.

After two minutes of very unpleasant silence, Alison came out of the diner carrying stacks of cardboard to-go boxes. I reached back and opened the rear door for her.

~~~

I was so out-of-sorts from that experience, I went to school early and did something I don't normally do. I ran laps on the athletic track.

It cleared my mind like a charm. My frustration and stress evaporated.

The only drawback was the football team was doing morning calisthenics on the field while I was doing my run. I had company in the showers. I was thinking about Emily, as I often did at any given moment, and trying not to get an erection in front of the other guys.

"Youdumpedher?" it was Corey Whittaker, showering with Cliff Garrity somewhere in the steam behind me.

"Yeah. She wouldn't put out and the head was wasn't getting any better. Never date a pretty girl. They think they don't have to try."

Holy cow,I thought.Cliff dumped Stephanie Bauer? That's a whole 'nother breed of entitled.

I rinsed and splatted out to the boys' gym locker room. The old habits held true; I avoided eye contact with the other boys changing there. I dried off and put my socks and shoes on first, in case I needed to bolt. I kept my back to the room with my ears peeled for any approaching threats. It was a mode I went into automatically.

My boxers were on when I heard Cliff and Corey enter the room. Cliff's wet footfalls abruptly stopped.

"Holyshit,Halverson," he said. "What the hell isthat?"

I started and looked over my shoulder. "What?"

"That."

He was pointing at my back. For once he didn't look angry or snide. He was gaping at my back like my vertebrae had grown eyes and were looking at him.

I realized what he was talking about. My back was covered with red scratches, courtesy of Emily, Dee-Dee and Scarlett. I'd forgotten about them.

"Oh that," I said, trying to sound dismissive. "You know. Girlfriend."

"Bullshit," Corey said, but it was reflexive. He could see the truth of my words with his own eyes. "Since when doyouhave a girlfriend?"

"Couple weeks now," I said. I shrugged. "Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are."

"Holyshit,"Cliff said again. He didn't just sound surprised, but also affronted, like some principal tenet of his understanding of the universe had been violated.

"So who's this girlfriend of yours?" asked Corey.

"She went to Castlemore," I said. "You don't know her."

"Because she doesn't exist," said Cliff.

I grimaced. Conversations with guys like these never went well. All the irritability I thought I'd exercised away came surging back to the fore again.

"Okay, fine," I said as I grabbed a shirt and faced them to conceal my controversial back. "Idon'thave a girlfriend, and I got those scratches from a pack of wild kittens."

I regretted saying that the moment it came out, but Cliff and Corey didn't even notice. They were gaping at my torso.

"Holy shit," Cliff choked. "When didyoustart working out?"

I looked down at myself and thought,Oh, right.

It was a weird moment for all three of us. I was in better shape than they were. Corey was a big beefy guy with wide shoulders and a gut. Cliff was more muscular, but next to him, I looked sculpted.

One of Corey's hands half-rose, like he was going to touch one of my pectorals to make sure it was real. I threw on my shirt to block him.

"I started working out," I said, "when I started dating my non-existent girlfriend." My irritation was peaking so hard, I didn't even think about the level of snark I was giving them.

"Hey, watch it, Halverson," Corey said, but again, it was reflexive. More than anything else, he sounded amazed.

Cliff looked stunned. He reminded me a little of Marianne at Denny's the night before, trying to cope with Mark's sudden changes to the time-honored break-up script.

I stepped into my pants, zipped up and grabbed my knapsack. "'Scuse me."

Something about me being clothed and them being naked made them reluctant to engage further. They let me go.

~~~

When I went to see Emily at lunch in our portable, Marianne Fleischmann was standing outside, smoking a cigarette.

"She's inside," Marianne said. She took one last deep drag, threw it on the ground and stepped on it. She nodded toward the door in anafter-yougesture. "Ladies first." She gave me a smirk.

She picked the wrong day. I thought of Emily and reached inside myself. The emergent power was there, simmering away, waiting for me. I let Marianne see it.

The change that came over her was remarkable. Her pupils dilated and her whole manner softened. She blushed and her lips went slack.

"Oh...wow."She looked down, closed her eyes, and gave her head a little shake. "This whole thing is just...too much."

All of a sudden, I felt guilty, like I'd exercised an unfair advantage.

"It's okay, Marianne," I said. "Don't worry. I trust her. You should too."

"I do trust her," she said. "That's what's so scary."

I opened the door for her and followed her inside. Emily was waiting for us naked, which shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. Marianne gasped.

She came over to us, smiling, and hugged us both. She kissed us. They were deep, loving kisses that made my dick surge into hardness. I hugged her back and ran my hands over her skin.

Ahh, that's the stuff,I thought. Finally my day was back on track.

She whispered into my ear, "Now kiss Marianne." Then she stuck her tongue in my ear, making me jerk. "Really give it to her. Give her everything you've got."

I knew what she meant. Feeling Emily's naked body already had my core bubbling. I was glowing like I'd just completed another run.

I turned from Emily and then smoothly took Marianne in my arms. She made a surprised little noise as our lips came together.

The ignition was instant. I hadn't expected that kind of chemistry with Marianne Fleischmann, but it was hot and immediate. She kissed me back. She melted into me and coiled her arms around me. Her tongue slid into my mouth.

She was just as astounded. She made a confusedhrmphsound, even as our mouths seethed against each other. She tasted like a bad girl: cigarettes and spearmint chewing gum. It was a weirdly exciting flavor. Her belly rubbed my erection through our clothes.

She was wearing a modest, tan-colored frock. I squeezed her ass through it, then gathered it up so I could get my hand in her panties. She gripped me a little tighter, but made no move to stop me. She was wearing a pair of stretchy pastel-blue nylon bikini panties; I had to hook a finger under the waistband to get my hand in there. I savored the feel of her soft curls and then reached deeper.

The A.V. Club - Ch. 12

Discussion(0)