The Devotee

(The mid-point.)

*

From the diary of Ida Plank:

Monday 28 August 1905

The Fs are back this after noon so I took the mornin off.

I still ave the piece of paper with the adress Dorothy gave me. Took the Tube.

Dorothys school is a buildin with the words London School of Economics outside.

Lots of people bustlin about lookin busy. I thowt, this is stupid. I dont know no one and no one knows me.

I went around for a bit lookin to see if there was any one to talk to about even where the libery was. Then this short stubby bloke with glasses an a pointy beard stops and sez to me a bit sharpish, Yes wot are you doing?

Im lookin for Miss Dorothy Skelton, I sez. She said I could come ere and use the libery.

I beleev she is in room thirteen, he said and goes off. So I followd the numbers till I got to room 13 and the door was shut. I eard voices inside.

Now I cud of just gone ome then, becos it wosnt like any one seemd to want me. But I opend the door and lookd in.

Lots of tables with peepl sittin at them lookin at bits of paper. Few people standin around but I cudnt see who they were.

Then a voice sez Ida!

Some one comes away from the standin peepl and walks towards me. I see as she gets closer its Dorothy.

You fownd us, she sez.

I sez, Sorry for pokin my ead in but I dint know where any one was.

Wud you like to volunteer, she sez.

Well I thowt I cud may be do somethin, I sez.

Oh, we always need volunteers, she sez. This is our reserch divizhun.

Dorothy, sez a woman over with the standin peepl. Wot is it?

I want you to meet some one, Dorothy sez and she takes my elbow and walks me over to them.

As I get neerer I see that the woman who spoke is quite tall and thin. As I get rite up to her and she looks at me, and I start to see her cleerly, she is one of the most beautiful peepl I ave ever seen. Like she is carved out of beautifulness.

But shes lookin at me like I done a fart in church.

This is Ida Plank, Dorothy sez. I told you about her, she has a wonderful memry for poetry. Ida, she sez, this is Mrs Webb.

Ah yis, the lady sez, and olds out er and.

Beatrice Webb, she sez.

And then I got a shock. Cos I ave eard of er.

Mr and Mrs F talk about Mrs Webb round the dinner table when they think we aint listenin. They talk about er like shes some devil come to destroy civilizashun, wot goes aroun stirrin up the workin classes against Respecktabbul Peepl.

Not goin to say I was quaikin in my boots but it was od meetin er just like that.

I shook her and.

Very nice to meet you Mrs Webb, I sez.

Pertry is all very well, she sez. Wot we need arined heah, she sez, are peepl with a head for numbas. Are you good with numbas Miss Plenk.

Oh my godI thowt I knew wot posh peepl talk like, but she is so posh iturts.

I wasnt bad when I was in school, I sez.

Wot is six times siven, she sez.

Forty two, I sez.

Wot is fourteen times twilve.

Undred and sixty eight, I sez.

Mrs Webb does this sort of almost smile.

How did you do thet, she sez.

Well twelve times twelve is a undred and forty four, I sez, so you just add two more twelves.

Wot is four hundred and ninety divided by seven, she sez.

Seventy, I sez. Its forty nine times ten.

She looks at me like maybe it was some one else did the fart in church. Then she look aroun the room.

You see all these peepl, Mrs Webb sez, we are traying to run this school so that peepl can better understend the way the world werks. Some of this involvs checking lots of sums, and we do not yet have all the staff. So we need peepl who are good with numbas. Do you think you could help us with thet?

Id like to try, I sez, but I might need paper and a pensil.

We have plenty of paper and pensils, Ida, Dorothy sez, smilin.

These are quite big numbas, Mrs Webb sez, and ands me a piece of paper. You wud not have much dificulty doing sums in the thysands?

I look at the piece of paper. Before I can say any thing, she sez, Is there somethin wrong with your aysate.

Yes maam, I sez, I cant read things less I old em close to my face.

Oh for goodness sake, sez Mrs Webb an I can tell she is annoyd.

Im sorry, I sez, going red, I will probly not be much use.

Dorothy, sez Mrs Webb, fetch my het. Dorothy runs off.

This Mrs Webb is cleerly the boss round ere.

You cennot be xpected to do the werk we are doing, if you cennot see wot is in front of you, she sez.

I sez, I know maam Im sorry. Ill go.

You will come with me, she sez. Dorothy comes back with her at and Mrs Webb puts it on and takes me arm, and marchs me twards the door.

Ave I done somethin wrong, I sez.

No, she sez, we are going to get you some specktickles.

Oh, I sez. Thank you maam.

Way have your employers not got you some, she sez.

Im sure I dont know maam, I sez. Any way Im only workin for them for a few more days. Their lettin me go.

We went out in the street and Mrs Webb goes down the pavement at a crackin lick. Dorothy is urryin behind us.

Who do you werk for, may I ask, Mrs Webb says.

Mr an Mrs Freehold, I sez. The emm pee.

The Freeherlds, she sez, and she gets this smile on er face.

Should I not ave said, I sez.

Its not a stait secret, she sez, an I dunno wot she meant. So as of next weekend, she sez, you shall be ite of a job.

Yes maam.

Hm, she sez.

We stop at a shop an go in. Mrs Webb goes up to a rack of specktickles and looks at em. She takes a book out of her bag.

Try on a purr, she sez, an see if you can reed this. She ands me the book.

I put the specktickles on an everythin gets a bit cleerer. But I still ave to old the book up close.

Well, those wont do, Mrs Webb sez, and takes them off me befor I ave a chance to read anythin.

We went thru about four more pairs until I put on a pair that made the ole world cleerer.

Hows thet, she sez.

Goodness, I sez.

Suddnly everythin in the world is crisp and strait and there in front of me. Fair took my breth away. Seein the world right.

All right, she sez, off you gew. Start theah.

An she points to the book. Strait away I know it from sunday school.

I start to read.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, I sez, but do not ave love, I am only a resoundin gong or a clangin cymbal. If I ave the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I ave a faith that can move mountains, but do not ave love, I am nothin. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to ardship that I may boast, but do not ave love, I gain nothin.

Mrs Webb nodded.

You can read, then, she sez.

Oh I can read, I sez. But Im terribul at spellin.

Well, youd better get better, hadnt you, Miss Plenk, she sez, an she claps me on the showlder and takes the specktickles off me, and goes to the countr and buys two pairs of em.

Dorothy beams at me and sez, She likes you I can tell.

She always like this, I sez.

She likes to elp peepl, Dorothy sez.

Then Mrs Webb comes back and gives em to me. They are in little shiny boxes that snap shut like clams.

My first specktickles.

Rate, she sez, two pairs in case you lose one. Let us get beck to werk.

*

Hilda Cotton to Lionel Squire:

Tue 29 August 1905

My dearest darling Lion,

How in the name of goodness are you? And how do you explain the unspeakable effrontery of your not having written me a line since March?

I have spent the last month in Germany, elbows deep in Brahms, although I did manage to impose my new symphony upon Hamburg and Berlin. It pleased the audiences more than some critics, but they are really far too narcissistic, our Teutonic cousins. The anti-Semitic attacks upon Mahler are becoming quite unspeakable. I prefer his conducting to his own music, but he is a tremendous figure, and a dear man, yet they treat him like some sort of infection.

I long to see you and to tell you of my adventures. The last I told you, I had heart set on the delectable Frau Hansdorfer, who was such a superb Papagena last spring; may your blush rise at the news that I conquered her and, for good measure, Herr Hansdorfer, who was looking a little left out of things. We three enjoyed two splendid nights on the rug before the fire in their hunting lodge in Saxony. I may have added another ten years to their marriage.

What-ho, now I am free, and on my way back to England, and I long to see you. And I bring some of that Hungarian salami you like so much.

I shall be back in Chelsea by the 4th; do get in touch, you dear king of the jungle.

With a thousand kisses,

Your loving

Hilda.

*

From the diary of Edith Fawcett:

Thu 31 August 1905

I awoke this morning at six and lay in my bed for an hour. Thinking.

Tomorrow is the day I mean to consecrate my dignity to Mr Squire's happiness.

I have been thinking about it more and more, since he began to tell me about Everett Holding.

I cannot get out of my mind the aching regret with which he told Mr ScopeI can't, I can't, I can't. And I am sure that the chief reason why he cannot, is to do with his perfectly understandable, if historically parochial, attitude towards love between men.

I believe that, if Mr Squire were to be offered the same opportunity by a woman, he would take it, for he has always written about the relations between men and women, never about man and man, for that is how his generation thinks and feels most deeply about life.

To him, for a man to lie with another man is, on some level, unacceptable, but he has written with much generosity of the love between men and women, in books such asAmanda CorsonandThe Grand Tour.

And so, I am willing to be the one who allows Mr Squire to experience the pleasure that he has always written about from a long distance.

The quality of writing in the memoir is undimmed. But, if he were to experience, at this late stage of life, physical love with someone, it may yet inspire in him an Indian summer of creation, which would crown his wonderful achievement in letters.

I do not think it arrogant of me to believe that I could help this to happen.

I have no illusions that I am some irresistible goddess, but I am reasonably becoming, and I am fit, healthy, and young, I have some experience of sex, and I am not certainly not repelled by the thought of any of the things that Mr Squire might like to do. I know he is fond of me, and that he respects me.

And I have the tact and the discretion to letno-one else know about it. My diary shall be the only person I tell.

There. I have set out my intentions.

Now I must carry them out.

*

From the diary of Ida Plank:

Fri 1 September 1905

My last day at the Fs.

Kate was all sad. I was sad too but I tryd not to show it cos I dint want er to get sadder.

I dint expect nothin but it ended up with kate and Mrs Cullen the cook, an me, in the kitchin at five o clock, and we all sort of lookd at each other.

Well, Mrs Cullen sez, we are ere to say goodby to ida. She as been ere four years an shes been a great elp to me. I shall miss you ida.

I shall miss you too Mrs Cullen, I sez. An I shall miss kate, whos been my best friend these last months. Mrs Cullen looks a bit awk ward.

She sez, its a funny thing but every where I workd before, the master and mistress wud give some littl present to whoever wos leavin. An a little messidge. An show up an give em. But they aint done nothing ere. I dunno why.

Thats all right Mrs C I sez, I dint think they wud.

Mrs Cullen looks a bit awk ward again an kate just looks misrebbul.

Well, Ill be off then, I sez, an I put on my at and pick up my bag.

O ida, kate sez, and she come forward an ug me. Shes all full of tears.

Dont worry kate, I sez, and I ug er back. I will be all right youll see. An Ill come back and visit you.

And then I went out in the street. It was still light. But a bit of a cold settin in.

I dint know what to do but I had my savins. So I got the tube to the LSE where Dorothy works. It lookd all shut up but I sat outside.

I was there for abowt three hours. Got cold. Then the door opens an a few peepul come out but they dont look at me.

Then it was about nine an I was so ungry I thowt I might get a pie or somethin. And the door opend again and Dorothy came out and sez, Ida, what are you doin ere.

I sez, my job ended and I dint ave nowhere to go. I thowt I might ask you if you knew anywhere I could put up for the night.

She sez, oh my dear you must come back to mine, I can put you up until you are sortd out.

I sometimes dont know wy I write this diary. Its not as if my life is interestin.

But I feel like if I dont write my life down, then it will get lost and swallowd up.

An I might not be interestin but I might at least meet some interestin peepl. Like Mrs Webb for xampl. Or EF. Or Mr Squire. Or kate who I think is interestin even if no one else does. And Dorothy is interestin.

So I sez o thank you Dorothy, but honest theres no need if you can just tell me somewhere I cud go and she sez, o no Ida, its much better if you come and bunk up in my place, honest.

So I went with Dorothy, and we went back to er place and she made us welsh rarebit and we ad some ale and a good talk an I slept on er divan.

*

From the diary of Edith Fawcett:

Fri 1 September 1905

I woke early, exercised, washed and dressed. I feel exceptionally conscious of my body this day. May it not betray me.

After breakfast, we dealt with correspondence, and then at eleven we commenced work.

Once again, as I had hoped he might, Mr Squire dwelt on the night in which he and Everett went swimming: the very night that I wish to rekindle in him.

I can never forget the tenderness with which he sought the words to describe his friend's presence: his writing about the human form in this memoir is far more vivid than it has been before in his work.

I think that, possessed, as he is, by his memories, he does not wish to transform them into words in his memoir.

We broke for lunch, and continued from two until half past five.

Still, he declared himself unsatisfied with the pages, and said we should return to them tomorrow. That means that he is still unready to let the memory go. Which should help my task considerably.

I ate sparingly, not wishing to fill myself up. Mr Squire asked if I were all right. I told him I was very well. In fact, I was rather hungry, but I knew quite well what I was doing.

I lingered afterwards for a small glass of port, and then I rose and spoke my well-rehearsed words.

'Mr Squire,' I said, 'would you do me the honour of meeting me in the pool room, in an hour? There is something I wish to give you.'

He looked a little surprised.

'The pool room? Certainly. You couldn't give it to me here?'

'No,' I said. 'I'm afraid it must be the pool room.'

'Then it is a rendezvous,' he said, and as I left the room he poured himself some more port and picked a book off the shelf.

Later:

And so it must be told.

I went up to my room and undressed completely. Then I took Mr Scope's enema kit, which I have retained, and used it as it is meant to be used. (It is a mortifying minor ordeal which I shall not describe here.)

Then I bathed myself scrupulously, dried myself, and lay on my bed as I was, for twenty minutes, with my eyes closed, visualising what I was about to do.

I knew that it would be uncomfortable and perhaps painful. But I was sure that Mr Squire would appreciate my offering.

I knew what was in his heart. I knew how much he hungered to touch someone, to be intimate with someone. He was summoning up Everett's shade to be with him, just a little longer.

And I was fully prepared to offer him my body, as a physical substitute for that shade.

With the clock still at twenty to the hour, I put on a robe and slippers and took a towel, and the little tin of grease I had purchased, and went down to the pool.

I disrobed and slipped into the water. I swam lengths underwater, loosening myself, freeing my mind and body into harmony.

And then I heard footsteps, and I went to the middle of the pool, and stood with the water up to my neck.

Mr Squire walked slowly in, and smiled to see me.

'Ah,' he observed. 'An evening swim.' The sun had set an hour ago.

'A night swim,' I said, 'one might say.'

'Even so,' he said, approaching the edge of the pool.

Then he peered at me and looked slightly puzzled.

'You seem to have forgotten your swimming costume,' he said.

'I left it in my room.'

'Well, for my part, I promise not to stare. My eyesight is not what it was, in any case.'

'On the contrary, sir, I don't mind you seeing me at all.'

'Oh?' he said, tilting his head curiously to one side.

I summoned up my courage and swam to the edge, where the ladder was.

'I wanted to give you something,' I said, climbing slowly out. 'I have been so rewarded by working for you, and I think you must have some idea of the love and respect I have for you.'

I was half out of the water.

'On listening to you talk about your friend,' I said, 'it seemed to me a great shame that a man of your spirit and genius should go through life denied one of the great pleasures known to humanity. You loved him, I think, and he was taken from you.'

I stepped, naked, onto the pool deck, and walked slowly towards him.

'All I want,' I said, 'is to offer you a taste of what you could not have.'

'Ah,' he said.

'Please,' I said, raising a hand, 'do not simply say no. I know that you love men, and not women. I overheard you turning down Mr Scope, that night. I understand your need to deny this to yourself, but you do not have to deny it, sir. You may have me. The way you would have liked to have Everett, and the way Mr Scope wished you to have him. I would consider it no indecency. I am happy to offer myself to you. Please take this as it is meant to be, as a token of my deep love and respect for you.'

'I see,' he said.

'Do not say I do not know what I offer,' I said. 'I know well. You would not be shattering any girlish illusions. I am a woman, but I offer you to take me as you would a man.'

I looked him in the eye, proudly, even defiantly.

He looked back at me with a kind of wonder.

'It would be an honour,' I said softly, 'for you to use me thus.'

I stood before him, my arms by my sides, fully exposed. I had never felt so naked before.

Mr Squire kept his eyes on my face, not looking down at my naked body. He reached up and stroked his chin delicately.

'Hm,' he said.

I started to get the faint apprehension that it was remotely possible that I had perhaps got something wrong.

'This,' he said, 'shows, I think, that I may have been insufficiently precise, in my wording of the swimming episode.'

I suddenly felt very cold and wet.

'I beg your pardon,' I said.

'Yes,' he said, 'you see--I did not desire to, um...make loveto Everett. Not at all.'

He looked positively apologetic about telling me this.

'The truth is,' he added, 'I have never wished to do that with... anyone, actually.'

My mouth was hanging open, and I seemed to have temporarily lost control of my jaw muscles. All the blood in my body seemed to have left my limbs and torso, and gone straight to my face and head.

'I merely wished totellhim that I loved him,' Mr Squire said, with infinite gentleness 'Which, I failed to do. So... I thank you, very much, Miss Fawcett, for your generous offer of your... person, but... you have got rather the wrong end of the stick.'

I heard a thin, high-pitched wail of dismay, and realised that it was coming from me.