Mick and Keri

Mick and Keri - Near The End

Chapter 36

A few months after the incident, Danny asked Sarah to marry him and she accepted. She sent me an invitation to the wedding and I RSVP'd that I would not attend and sent her a wedding gift. I thought for a moment that now Keri was alone, and then I thought no, she has her other man and I gave it no more thought.

Weeks turned into months and I became more and more depressed. My staff stopped interacting with me except at a most basic and professional level. I quit mentoring them and I had quit going to the blues jams and the karaoke nights right after the incident.

I woke, ate breakfast, went to the office, ate lunch, went to practice, went home, ate dinner and went to bed. It must have been four or five months before I even turned on the TV. That was my daily routine except on weekends with no competitions where I just stayed in bed and never got up.

I lost touch with my friends and even my son and daughter and the grand kids. They called a few weeks after the incident and asked how Keri and I were and I told them that we had broken up and that was that. They asked more questions but I did my best to dodge the answers. Eventually they stopped asking and we drifted apart to the point that we did not contact each other for months at a time.

Nothing mattered. If I was younger I would have been a perfect goth. Life was just despair and shit. You live, you die, and that is all. I gained a lot of weight and was sedentary to the point that I started to have pain in my left arm one day while walking up the stairs to the apartment. At practice, I talked to one of the parents that was a doctor and described my symptoms.

She got me into her office that day and did a checkup. She signed me up for a stress test the next morning and I failed it miserably since after about three minutes my arm began to throb and hurt. The technician stopped the treadmill and had me sit while she called the doctor into the office.

"Mick, you have a problem. I'm going to take a bunch of blood and do some tests. OK?"

"Yeah, sure. Do whatever you want."

Needles and I don't get a long, but I just sat there and did not care. Three days later I was in surgery and the surgeon was putting two stents into a coronary artery that was about 95% closed. The pain I was experiencing was the start of me trying to have a heart attack. I didn't care. All I could think of in the hospital recovery room was "Great! Now I have to live alone longer."

That is how each day went by. I started to walk to work more often, even in the winter when the winds picked up in the Valley, so that I was able to keep the doctor and the Board of Directors for my team off my back. This was my life now. I understood it and I didn't care. After a year my depression was palpable and I was on the verge of quitting coaching when my phone chimed that I had a text. I opened the app and there was a text from Barb. The subject line read,"The Kids Want To Meet Uncle Mick."

The shock almost knocked me on the floor. Barb had come to the States from Japan under the guise of closing a huge financial deal with Keri. The three of us ended up having a night of sex and after Barb left she informed us that she had come to the States for the deal with Keri, but also to find an unwitting sperm donor. After that night with Keri and I she went home and found out she was pregnant with twins. She never told the kids that I was their father, but instead told them that I was their Uncle Mick and the kids were named after Keri and me because we were her favorite relatives.

Now, some twelve years later, Barb had brought the kids to the U.S. and she wanted them to meet me. Well, me and Keri. I had not spoken to Keri since we had broken up. There was no need. When I thought of her my heart broke some more. I often wondered how a broken heart can break even more. It was just like with my first wife. After our divorce, it would kill me every time I saw her or heard her voice. She thought that I hated her, but nothing could be further from the truth. I just loved her so much that anything that reminded me that I was no longer with her sent me into a deep depression.

So, it was with Keri. If I saw a woman with black hair I folded. If I saw a woman with large breasts, I had to look away. The pain was just too great. Now, I faced the probability that I would be in close proximity to her and I was not sure if I could deal with it. But my son and daughter were coming. MY son and MY daughter. Maybe Keri would not be there since she really had nothing to do with my children.

No chance. Barb asked if we could all meet at Keri's house. The same house we had shared for years. The one that housed what should have been some of the happiest moments of my life, but now just reminded me of the hurt that someone you love can inflict on you.

**********

Barb and Keri sat on the couch drinking coffee and talking. Keri and Mick were out in the yard enjoying the day. They were chasing butterflies and stopping to smell the various flowers around the large flower garden. Keri and Barb watched them through the living rooms floor to ceiling picture window.

"How do you think Mick will take it when he finds out that they know?"

"Well, the Mick I knew will be terribly confused, and then he will wonder why you told them when you said that you would not, and then he would have broken down and cried, and then he would have taken them into his heart. But I don't know about now. He has cut himself off from the rest of the world, for all intents and purposes."

"I had a feeling that was going to be the case. Isn't it weird? I never had contact with Mick all of these years. But from what you told me in our letters he is just the way I imagined. He is the man that I met that night thirteen years ago."

"I know he was," Keri suddenly broke into tears. "I miss him so much."

"I know it is not my business, but why didn't you ever reach out to him? I mean later, after you broke up."

"I know him. If I had kept contacting him it would have driven him into an even deeper depression, like he was in after his first wife left him. I love him too much to do that to him."

"It seems that he still loves you too, or he would not be so messed up. If he didn't care, it wouldn't still bother him."

"I broke his trust. Had it just been a kiss, I think we could have gotten over it. He could even forgive me for the affair, such as it was. But when I let that guy fuck me, I fucked more than him. I fucked Mick; I fucked my life. I fucked our future. I fucked everything. And then when I lied to Mick about it, well I don't think Mick will ever forgive me for that. He could have gotten past the sex, but not the lie."

"What are you going to do when he gets here? Does he know that you haven't even dated since that day?"

"I don't think he wants to know. If he knew or heard that I was out, it would hurt him. He has withdrawn for his safety. I'm going to stay out of the way. I'll just be in my room until he is gone. God! I wish his dick was the last one in me."

She held the woman that had grown to be a sister and cried.

**********

I drove up to the house and parked on the street. It looked the same, but for the trees that had gotten taller. The landscaping was the same. I walked up to the front door and rang the bell. The door was opened by an older woman that I did not know.

"May I help you?" she asked politely.

"Yes, I'm supposed to meet Barb here."

"You must be Mick. I'm Cheryl, the house keeper. Please come in. Everyone is waiting in the living room."

OK, Mick, last chance to run away. I really thought about it, but the need to see my children was over powering. I entered the house. So much was familiar, so little had changed. I followed Cheryl as if I had no idea where I was going. To my right was the kitchen. Memories came flooding back. Their weight almost broke me. I had to stop and catch my breath.

As I rounded the corner from the kitchen I stopped in my tracks. There, sitting on the couch, was Barb, with her short red hair and on either side of her were Keri and Mick. I had forgotten how pretty Barb was and she was still pretty after thirteen years. She stood, walked to me, smiled and gave me a hug and a kiss. The two children sat quietly and looked apprehensive. They looked to each other, the way twins do, and seemed to be sending messages back and forth.

"Kids, this is Mick. Mick this is Keri and this is Mick."

The two stood and came to me and both of their faces exploded into the biggest smiles I have ever seen on kids, and I have worked with a lot of kids. Keri was Barb's twin and Mick was a just good looking young man. At some point in their life both of these kids were going to be heartbreakers. What did I just say? Why would the world need another heartbreaker?

"Hello! It is so nice to finally meet you," I spoke in my most calming, deep, and soothing tone.

I shook young Mick's hand and when I went to do the same with little Keri, she rushed to me and gave me a huge hug. Both of the kids were tall for twelve years old and her head came up to my chest and I put my arms around her, protectively; immediately Mick joined her sister. We stood there in a group hug. I heard a sniffle and looked up to see Barb tearing up and coming towards us. She joined us in the hug.

"I have dreamed of this day. I really didn't know how the kids would react."

She ran her fingers through the kid's reddish brown hair. I looked down to see both of the kids in tears as well. I wondered why all of the emotion when this gigantic bolt of lightning hit me right, square in the heart. They knew!

"Barb?" I drew out the question.

"I know, I promised not to, but when we were planning this trip they both saw something under the plan. They began to ask questions about why we would go all this way to meet an uncle. I just kept answering their questions. Both of these kids are so smart and the looks on their faces was telling. They both began to get it and Mick finally asked if you were really their dad. I couldn't lie to them."

I looked down at the two children; my children. Keri finally released her grip a bit and looked up at me. Mick followed suit.

"Can we call you daddy?"

My heart erupted in my chest. The tears began to flow freely from my eyes and with my hand over my mouth I knelt down and I took them into my arms.

"I think I would like that very much. Yes, please do."

"Daddy!"

"Daddy!"

"Daddy."

The third "Daddy" came from behind me. I knew that voice. I knew that tone. I held on tightly to my kids, afraid to turn around. There were footsteps behind me and then a soft hand on my bald head. Screwing up my courage, I released the kids and stood. I straightened and squared my shoulders before turning.

There was Keri. She was beautiful in the extreme. The same eyes, the thick mane of jet black hair with a couple of silver streaks. Her wonderful breasts remained. They were as big as I remembered. She had filled out a bit and her hips were a bit bigger. She was wearing a sweater and jeans. There were a few lines in her face.

**********

Cheryl led Mick into the living room. Keri watched from the dark at the top of the stairs. She had resolved to stay in her bedroom, but she couldn't do it. Mick was back in the house and there was hope in her heart. Hope that she knew would die as soon as he left. But there was still hope.

She watched as Barb introduced him to his children. They were both so much like him. When they let you into their hearts, they trusted fully. They loved unconditionally, when they decided to love. They were smart and honorable and they would be great people someday. They would be adults that would make a difference in the world.

Her attention was suddenly drawn to the scene of Keri clinging to her newly discovered father. Mick was next to hug his father. Barb was next. Keri could hear the sniffles of the three of them. She could not hold herself back when Mick took his children into his arms.

She ran down the spiral staircase and walked up behind the group in time to hear the kids call Mick "daddy".

**********

I looked at her, not moving. Behind me the kids had been pulled back by Barb. My heart was breaking and I just did not know what to do. My vision was wide angle. I took in her shape and her form. I began to focus on her face and as I looked into her eyes, she lost it. Keri rushed to me and took me up in her arms. I did not return the hug.

"Mick. I'm so sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. I was so wrong. Please let me back. Please take me back. Please. Please."

Isn't it amazing how time can freeze, and an eternity of thought can happen in an instant? In an instant four things shook me to the core.

First, there came the shock of the impact of Keri's body touching mine. For over a year, I was never touched by anyone. I didn't allow people to touch me on a daily basis, except for occasional handshakes. The hugs that the kids gave me were the first I'd received since I left Keri.

Second, I heard the words. The plea was to my heart. She was making an appeal to that tiny almost immeasurable spark of what had been. It was stabbing into my heart like a probing knife. It was not surgical; it was not fine. Her probe for my remaining love was almost brutal in its attack. I'd become very good at burying my feelings.

My first wife had taught me that love is the most painful, hurtful emotion that there is. My second wife had taught me that the depth to which I could bury my love was not deep enough to keep me safe. Years ago, Keri had found that love and pulled it to the surface. Then when it was fully exposed and out in the open, she had bashed it with a sledge hammer. She then stabbed it with the jagged blade that was cheating and lying.

Third, from somewhere inside something called to me. Mick, remember when you were young and went to school to be a minister? Remember the disillusionment when you found the world of the church was full of liars and cheats? Remember how you fell away from God and denied him and his teachings? Remember how you found him again? He was standing right behind you all the time, waiting for you to turn around. Remember how you came back to a personal relationship with him and embraced his teachings. Live and let live. Teach the truth and if it is rejected, don't worry about it. In the end God is the judge, not you. And finally, just as he forgives you all of the sins you commit when you truthfully apologize, he asks that you forgive those that honestly apologize to you.

Lastly, remember the nights of lying in bed crying yourself to sleep because you were alone. Remember the huge hole that your life had become? Did any one of those days make you feel whole or fulfilled?

Snap!

Suddenly, the instant was gone. The eternity had run its hundredths of a second lifetime. Chaos had reigned for its time. Calm and order were now returning to power.

**********

I held Mick as tight as I could and he just stood there. I thought that I would break him I was holding him so tight. I placed my mouth next to his ear and spoke.

"Mick. I'm so sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. I was so wrong. Please let me back. Please take me back. Please. Please."

I tried to be calm, but my heart lost it. My heart took over my vocal chords and the words that came out were dripping with the emotions that come out when the truth breaks through. When all of the things you plan to say get blown up by the truth and everything else is stripped away, you can begin to get things done. Suddenly I felt it. A long time ago, when Mick and I held each other, when our souls touched, we felt the real truth. We loved each other. The truth of my love was reaching out to Mick's soul. Please answer me!

**********

My arms were moving out of my control. They came up from my sides and set my hands on Keri's shoulders. They pushed her away from me. When they had moved her to a safe distance, they returned to my sides. Then whatever was controlling me moved to my mouth.

"Why?"

Keri looked at me and was conjugating the various meanings of the question. Looking at me with a mixture of shock from me pushing her away and the impact of the question, she spoke.

"Why? Why should you forgive me? Why did I lie? Why did I fuck someone else? Why did I throw away the only thing in my life that was real and honest?"

"Yes. All of the above."

I looked over to where Barb and the kids had been, since Keri had just dropped the F-bomb. They were gone. Barb must have seen what was coming and cleared the room.

"Why did you cheat?"

"Because I was stupid and I don't know why."

"Why did you lie?"

"Because when I came to my senses and realized what I had done, I knew that if you knew, it would hurt you."

"Did you not think the lie would compound the issue?"

"I wasn't thinking. I was panicked. I was lost and I couldn't see a way out. Please Mick. This has gone on long enough. I hurt you. I cheated on you. I don't know what I was doing or what I was looking for. But I do know that as soon as I did it, I realized that there was nothing to be found and everything to be lost. I lost you and my life ended."

"Don't tell me that your life has been better without us being together. I know you. I know that you have withdrawn and put up every defense you have and made them stronger. I know that you are hiding and that you are still wounded and I know that I did it, and you and I can never move on from it until you forgive me."

I listened to her and just shook my head. Trust. What was the thing I always told to my athletes? The great American, Thomas Paine, wrote "Honor and Character are much easier kept than recovered". I was looking for a way out. I was going to just turn and walk away when I remembered my children.

**********

He pushed me away! My God, he really was gone. Didn't he know that I was sorry? Didn't he know that I loved him with all of my heart?

**********

I walked into the kitchen to find Barb and the kids. I took Barb into my arms and held her.

"Mick, you know she loves you and that you know you will never be whole again until you can get back together."

Then a small voice from the wisest person in the room.

"Daddy, are you and Aunt Keri OK?"

And it all went away.

"No, baby. But I hope we will be."

I turned and ran back into the living room. My love was sitting on the couch with her face buried in a pillow. She was crying and her shoulders shook as the realization that I was finally and truly gone sank in. I did love her, but could I ever trust her? What good would a relationship be if it was not a 100% relationship? I cautiously stood next to her.

"Keri. I cut you off from me because of the lie. I got over the cheating pretty fast, but the lie was such a deal breaker. I need to know I can trust you with my heart, or what is left of it. Little Keri just asked me if Daddy and Aunt Keri were OK. I can't answer yes to that question. I know that our getting close again will take more than a quick ass fuck in my shower. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tear down the wall I have built in front of me."

"I know, Mick. I told you all those years ago that I wanted you in my life for as long as you would have me. I now know that we may never be lovers again, but I also know that I love you and always will. Please let me back into your life. Please let me have the chance to redeem myself."

"Come here. The kids are worried, and we need to make sure they are OK."

I reached my hand down to Keri and helped her to her feet. She was a mess. My mind's eye flashed back to the last time I had seen her like this. She was at my apartment as I gave her back her car keys and closed the door in her face. The reason for it flashed in my heart and I had a moment of doubt. I wondered as we walked to the kitchen if those doubts would ever go away.