Under The Moon And Stars

Chapter 21

Four Years Later

Evie sat in her parlor trying to read, but the cold March rain kept distracting her from the book. It had been raining on and off for three days and the March air was frigid. Alexander was in Brighton again. He was there increasingly often of late. Evie had kept her word. She'd refused to share her body with Alexander since that horrible night five years earlier. She hadn't shared her body with anyone since her last night with Eric when they'd conceived Joanna together. She missed sex but not with Alexander. They managed to be polite with one another when the children were around and when they had to attend events together. But other than that, they were strangers. When Alexander realized that she truly was done with him he took to spending more time with Sarah. This made Evie happy as it was less time she had to see him.

The only thing that did bother her about Alexander's constant visits to Sarah was her children, as staying away from her also meant that he was staying away from them. But they seemed to be alright with their dads' frequent trips out of town. Evie had realized that even when she and Alexander had been happy, she had done most of the parenting, while Alexander mainly saw them at dinner in the evenings and that was it. She supposed it was a good thing that her children didn't get upset when Alexander left considering it was often. However, it also made her sad that they weren't closer. She'd been very close to both her parents growing up. Her dad always found time to play with her or read to her. Things that Alexander just never did. She might not like Alexander, but she'd always encouraged him to spend time with the children. He always said he was too busy. It was sad, but she couldn't force him.

The children loved their Uncle Natti though and Evie was grateful for his presence in their lives. Natti had always been there for her and later her children as well. Natti had taught Miles how to ride a horse, helped tutor Thomas in his studies, played tin soldiers with Luke and had a dollhouse built for Joanna. He often took Evie and the kids out on day trips giving Nanny Fields a day off.

Natti had never married. After breaking his engagement to Amanda, he hadn't courted anyone else. The night that Evie and Natti had caught Alexander and Amanda together was still seared into her brain. She hadn't found out what happened between Natti and Amanda until she'd returned from Surrey. Apparently, Amanda had not taken it well. She'd tried denial, tears, apologies, promises and finally threats to get Natti's promise to move forward with the wedding. She told Natti that she'd tell everyone that he'd been the one to betray her and then it would be her word versus his. But Natti had been prepared for that. Apparently, he was in a position where he could ruin her father's business if he chose to. He told Amanda that he was calling off the wedding and if she agreed to go away quietly, he would keep the reason to himself and would even help her father get out of the mess he was in. But if she uttered a single lie about him to anyone, he would tell everyone he knew about her and Alexander, as well as destroy her father's company. Amanda knew she was out of cards to play and had left his home, never to return.

After his report about Amanda, Evie confessed everything that Alexander had admitted to her when they'd returned home. Natti had been furious. He'd thrown and broken a crystal goblet that was sitting on the table. Evie had been shocked, thinking he was distraught about Alexander and Amanda's betrayal against him. But instead he'd called Alexander a cruel bastard and began raging against himself for not seeing Alexander for who he was before he married Evie. Evie had managed to calm him down. She assured him that no matter what, she was going to be alright. She told him that she had her children, and they were worth having to put up with Alexander. Evie had then smiled at Natti and informed him that even though she was married to Alexander, she was never going to share a bed with him again. Natti had laughed and hugged her.

Evie had attempted to comfort Natti. She obviously understood heartbreak and betrayal, but Natti had brushed it aside, assuring her that he was going to be alright. When Evie looked at him, he'd seemed more exhausted than sad. Evie hadn't understood it. Not then.

But then came last July. Evie had taken the children to Surrey for a visit. To her delight Natti decided to join them for a week. Natti spent almost every day with Evie and her kids. At one point it occurred to her that if strangers saw them together, they would assume that Natti was her husband. And that thought had made her breath catch. What would it be like to be Natti's wife? She knew that she'd once been attracted to Natti, but she'd convinced herself that it was just lust, not love. But was that true? She suddenly wasn't sure.

Towards the end of the week Evie's parents wanted to take the kids out for a grandparent's day, leaving Evie to her own devises. She found herself spending the afternoon sitting under her favorite tree by the stream with Natti. It was just like old times. They talked the minutes away just like they always did, laughing and reminiscing. Eventually things got quiet and they sat together in compatible silence. Natti reached over for Evie's hand and said quietly, "I know this is something we don't talk about because there's no changing it, but I need to ask, how are you faring with Alexander?"

Evie sighed. "I'm doing alright I suppose. For the most part we live separate lives. I kept my word; I haven't shared a bed with him since I caught him with Amanda. This means he spends more time with Sarah, or whoever else he wants, I imagine. But I find it easier having him out of the house, so I don't complain."

"I'm sorry, Evie," Natti said softly.

Evie squeezed his hand, "It's not your fault. My marriage might be bad, but my life isn't. I have my beautiful children, I have friends, my parents, and you."

Natti nodded and said, "You'll always have me, Evie."

They sat silently for another moment before Evie ventured to say, "Maybe not always. I'll have to share you when you meet the love of your life."

Natti shifted uncomfortably for a moment. "I've already met the love of my life," he said. His voice was just above a whisper. "But fate didn't put us together."

Evie's heart broke in that moment. "Amanda was not the love of your life, Natti. If she was, she never would have betrayed you."

"I'm not talking about Amanda," Natti said quickly. He sighed. "I cared about Amanda. I cared deeply for her, and I thought we got along well enough to make a life together. But I was never in love with her."

Evie sat on her knees so she could see Natti's face. "Then who..." Evie trailed off when she saw the look of longing in Natti's eyes and suddenly, she knew. "Oh Natti," she said breathlessly. Hopelessly.

"It's you," Natti said in a broken voice. "It's only ever been you. It will only ever be you. I tried with Amanda. We didn't love each other, but I thought we were committed to one another and building the life we both said we wanted. But honestly, I was relieved to call it off. What upset me more than her infidelity was that it was with Alexander. I was furious at him for hurting you. I was even more appalled when I found out it wasn't the first time."

Natti gently held her arms and looked into her eyes. "I love you, Evie. I've always loved you. I love you so much that even though you don't feel the same way, I still want you to be happy. Even though it hurt to see you married to someone else, I wanted Alexander to be everything you thought he was and to have a long and happy life with him."

Evie had burst into tears. She'd sobbed for not having realized sooner. Both his feelings, and hers. Of course she loved Natti. She'd just never been given the opportunity to realize it. Her marriage had been arranged when she was 7. She'd been married at 19. Evie, being young, had never allowed herself to question her feelings about any of it. Then Alexander had swept her off her feet and it all seemed to have worked out so perfectly. To have found love with the man her father had chosen for her.

But it all came crashing down. Now in the rubble of her marriage she was able to see the truth. That she and Natti were made for each other. But it was too late. If Evie revealed her feelings she knew they would enter into an affair. They wouldn't be able to help themselves. But she couldn't do that to Natti.

She remembered Lucy crying over Charles all those years ago saying that "half a life was better than no life at all." Was that true? Maybe for them it had been. But Evie didn't think so for her and Natti. She and Eric had shared even less than half a life and still Eric felt himself committed to her and unable to move forward when he'd met Shannon. She wouldn't do that to Natti. If she began an affair with him, it would be incredible for her but terribly unfair to him. He'd never give himself the opportunity to have a whole life with someone else. Natti deserved a whole life. She needed to convince him he was wrong. Prove that she wasn't good enough for him. Truthfully, Evie didn't believe she was.

Natti hugged her to him while she cried. He stroked her hair and told her that it was alright. He knew she didn't feel the same and he understood. But it wasn't enough. If she wanted him to move forward, she needed to convince him she wasn't who he thought she was.

"Natti, you can't love me," she sobbed. "There are things about me that you don't know." She wiped her eyes and noted Natti's looking at her with concern.

"What is it, Evie? I doubt there's anything you could tell me that would change the way I see you."

Evie took a deep breath. She was about to tell a secret she had thought to take to her grave. "I haven't just sat back and accepted Alexander's infidelity. After I found out about his keeping a mistress, I engaged in my own affair."

Natti's eyes grew wide. "With whom?"

Evie didn't want to betray Eric, so she simply said, "A former servant of my parents. He's since left their service but..." Evie paused and took a breath before continuing. "But not before fathering Joanna."

Natti looked away for a moment. "And you're certain he's her father?"

Evie nodded. "Alexander and I had been together the same day as that fateful party at your home. Two days later the gentleman and I spent our last night together. With that timeline either of them could be her father. But although Joanna has my blonde hair it's his hair color too. Her green eyes could be from Alexander, or they could also be his. But it's more than that. She looks like him, Natti. It's not just that she has his same coloring. She has his nose, his smile. I just know in my heart, that she's his."

Evie waited, bracing herself whatever Natti was going to say. She knew Natti would keep her secret. Even if he was repulsed by her. Even if she'd hurt him and their friendship beyond repair, she knew he was too honorable to say anything. He would also never in a million years hurt Joanna or her boys by revealing such a thing. But she also knew that Natti would never look at her the same way again. She wasn't the woman he thought she was. So she waited. Waited to lose him forever. What she wasn't prepared for was his laughter. Natti was laughing!

"Oh Evie," he said between bouts of laughter. "I'm so impressed with you right now. That is glorious."

"I'm sorry," Evie said confused. "You're not disgusted with me?"

"Disgusted by you," he asked? "For what? For giving Alexander the same loyalty he's given you? When we were children, you never allowed anyone to push you around. You were wild and full of fire. I'm thrilled that you still have that in you. That you didn't just sit back and accept the scraps you were being given. You are exactly the woman I always knew you were and it makes me love you even more."

Evie almost started crying again. Natti really did know and understand her better than anyone in the world. She didn't know what to say. She thought this would hurt him but instead it'd had the opposite effect. Evie was lost in her own thoughts when she heard Natti ask, "Are you in love with him?"

She could try to lie. She could say she did and use that to set Natti free. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't lie. Natti knew her too well and would see through it. "No Natti. I was never in love with him. Nor was he in love with me. The reason we are no longer together, and he left is because he met and fell in love with someone else. I haven't been with anyone since."

Natti turned serious. He reached for her arms again and pulled her onto his lap. "Then be with me Evie. Be with me. I know you don't feel the same for me, but you do know I would be good to you. I can give you the same escape that he did, Evie. Please. Give me a chance to show you that I can give you what you need."

Evie had never wanted to kiss anyone more. She was burning with love and desire for him, as he was for her. She should take it. Take what he offered and give herself in return. It would be so easy. They could have each other in stolen moments and hidden places. She had done it before.

She was so close. If she just leaned in a little closer their lips would touch for the first time and there would be no going back. But she stopped herself. She had to. Natti deserved more than stolen moments and sneaking around. He deserved a wife. He deserved someone who not only loved him but was free to declare it to the world. She wasn't free. So she pulled back. And with tears in her eyes she said, "I'm sorry Natti, but I can't. I can't do that to you. I'm sorry." And with that she'd stood and ran back to the house where she sobbed until her body fell into an exhausted sleep.

Evie now thought about that day several months later while listening to the rain. She thought about Natti and the heartbreak she'd caused. Evie had assumed he'd be done with her after that. She should have known better. Natti didn't leave her. He came around as often as he always had. She could tell that she'd hurt him and there was sadly a distance and awkwardness between them that had never been there before. But he was still there. He still showed up for her and for her children.

Evie had been decidedly melancholy since summer. She'd turned 33 on her last birthday a couple months ago and for the first time she felt the passing of time. Sometimes she regretted her decision to turn down Natti's invitation to have an affair. She loved him so much and knew sharing in that love would bring her happiness and peace. But she also knew that ultimately that she was doing the right thing for Natti. He still had the chance for a happy marriage even if hers had passed her by.

Evie heard the door open, and assumed it was Alexander returning from his latest tryst. She'd planned on ignoring him until she heard a shrill cry coming from the foyer. "Mistress Montgomery! Come quickly!"

Evie jumped up and ran from the parlor to see Alexander. He was being held up by two footmen and looked absolutely soaked. "What happened," Evie asked?

Anna, the maid who had called for her said, "We don't know, Madame. He came through the door and collapsed."

Evie nodded to the footmen. "Get him upstairs to his room and out of his wet clothes. I'll go outside and talk to the driver to see what happened."

The footmen began walking towards the stairs but one of them said to her, "He's not here. Mr. Mongomery came alone on horseback. The horse is being taken to the stable."

"I see," Evie replied. Then she looked at Anna. "Anna please send for the doctor. Have him brought here as soon as possible."

Anna nodded, and Evie started up the stairs to help the footmen and hopefully find out what was going on.

Once they'd gotten him undressed and in bed, Alexander found the strength to speak. He'd said that he was on his way back home when roughly two hours from home the carriage broke a wheel. The rain had created deep ruts that couldn't be seen and the carriage hit one. Alexander told his driver to turn back towards an inn they had passed not long before and get the carriage fixed whenever he could. But Alexander decided to continue home on horseback. He'd underestimated the cold and rain.

Evie sat by Alexander's bedside while the doctor examined him. When the doctor was finished, he asked to speak with Evie outside. "It's not good, Mistress Montgomery. Although I've seen worse. Someone must always stay with him. Make sure he is kept warm and try to give him fluids when you can. I'll be back to check on him in the morning."

Evie thanked him and saw him out, before heading back upstairs. She wished she had someone to help but her parents were too far away, and Alexander's parents were both gone now. Harold had passed away in his sleep three years past and Alice was lost to illness around a year ago. His sisters were both married with children as were Cathy and Eleanore. She didn't feel right asking them to come and help tend her husband.

Evie returned to Alexander's bedside. He was pale but sleeping peacefully. She touched his forehead. He was certainly warm, but it didn't feel too bad. She stayed by him all night, pulling the covers back up when he'd toss and roll over. When he'd wake, she encouraged and helped him drink water and warm broth. But despite her best efforts, by morning Evie could tell that he was getting worse. Not better. The doctor confirmed her fears when he arrived. "I would recommend sending your children away, just as a precaution."

Evie went to see her children to explain as gently as possible what was going on. All the children asked if they could see their father and Evie said yes, but only for a moment. Evie went to Nanny Fields and told her to pack some things for herself, and the children before sitting down to write a letter to Natti explaining what was happening and asking to please allow the children to stay for a while.

When Alexander was awake Evie stood in the doorframe that separated her chamber from his. She held Joanna in her arms while Miles, Thomas and Luke stood in front of her. Alexander smiled at his children and told them to have fun. He then said that he loved them before he waved goodbye from his bed and Evie took them out. She brought them outside where Nanny Fields was already waiting in the carriage and helped get them settled. After handing Nanny Fields the letter she sent them on their way to Natti's house knowing that he would welcome and look after them.

Evie almost cried with gratitude when to her surprise a couple hours later, Natti's mother Maude showed up at the house. Apparently, she and George were up visiting for a couple weeks. When Nanny Fields had arrived with the children and Natti had read the letter, Maude had insisted on coming over to help Evie care for Alexander. She looked at Evie's tired face and insisted that she get some rest. She would sit with Alexander.

Evie took a nap for a couple hours before returning to Alexander's side. Maude was there putting a cool rag on his forehead. Alexander was awake so Maude said she was going to get a bite to eat and then she'd be back up. Alexander was shivering even though he was under several blankets and his breathing was labored. Evie knew he was getting worse and for the first time she felt truly worried. Alexander reached a hand out to her, and she took it. He looked at her and through his ragged breathing he said, "I'm sorry Evangeline. I was wrong. I was selfish. You deserved better. So did Sarah." He looked at the ceiling struggling to catch his breath. Evie gave him some water, and it seemed to help. Once he was able to speak again, he whispered, "I do care about you, even if I didn't act like it."