Needing Leah

The story so far:

18-year-old Liam Weber was enrolled in Bryner Academy, only to discover it was a school for girls and that his name was listed as Leah. Last chapter, he finally got the chance to speak to his dad about it. He discovered his dad had deliberately enrolled him here when it was only place left that would accept him on scholarship, and had phoned in a favour to alter Liam's records. The reality of Liam's situation has devastated him. There's no way back to an ordinary life unless he can find a way to fix his records himself.

13 - Community Service

My mood had plummeted. I hadn't eaten anything since the realisation. It worried Ellie but no amount of cuddles or threats or anything could change it. I had rang my dad, left texts. Only once had I gotten through to him.

"The deal was, they'd change them back after you graduate. Until then, you will persevere." he told me.

"But how does that even work? They change it back and suddenly I'm Liam whose records state he graduated from an all-girl's school? Why not just alter my records to say I have qualifications, even when I don't?"

"Because studying matters." He snapped. He didn't have any clearer answers and fell back upon repeating: "A man would persevere" before deciding he didn't want to talk to me anymore. If I did persevere, there might not even be a man left by the time I escaped.

I need a new plan. I kept saying, as though just saying it should cause a plan to spring into my mind. How did thesefriends of a friendalter my records? How the hell would I go about changing them back? Was everything changed, right down to my birth certificate? If it was just the information on my application to Bryner, then surely the school would've found out by now? Mrs McIntyre's words kept coming back to my mind.An exemplary student. There were clearly enough records of Leah Weber to depict an exemplary student. That must've meant past exams information, past attendance scores, records of old schools and classes, maybe even doctored descriptions from old teachers. Grades I'd never reached and awards I'd never won; all in Leah's records. It sickened me.

Changing it back clearly wasn't something I could do. I'd need to know how to hack but also what to hack, where, and what exactly needed changing. Google didn't help. The more I tried to think it through, the more unbelievable it became. How did my dad find someone who could do it? How much had they charged? My dad had said his friendowed him a favourbut there had to be more to it than that. You don't risk fraud just because you owe someone a favour. What kind of friends were these?

I considered just dropping out anyway. If the education was already abandoned, maybe my dad would give up and change the records back? If not though, I'd have to find a job still as Leah. I supposed I could tell my mum. I could hope she'd change my dad's mind. That might work...though I knew she also wanted me to earn my SLDs. What if she supported him? That would've fractured whatever was left of my heart. Suddenly I'd have no family who loved me. No one. Nothing.

She's my only hope, though. I'll have to call her.

.

Right now, it was Sunday morning and I didn't have time to call anyone. I didn't want to move from my bed. I wanted to curl up and disappear but Ellie yanked the blankets away and pulled me to my feet.

"You have community service, Leah. You can't be late!"

I didn't want to be Leah. After my dad, somehow it made the name sting. I didn't want to do anything and was amazed I found the energy to stand up.Leah.Ellie had fetched my clothes for me and laid them out upon my desk. I stared at the panties, tights, breasts. My stomach churned at the sight of them.

Try not to think about it. Try to pretend you are a girl. It's not humiliating if you are actually Leah.

"It'll be ok, baby." Ellie said. It wouldn't be ok. It wouldn't.

.

9am. Mrs McIntyre's office. I stood before her desk, whilst she settled down into her seat. She was wearing an olive coloured jumper with a yellow scarf. The fact she was even in school on a Sunday surprised me.

"Ideally, you'd be performing community service in the actual community, Veber. However, we haven't found anything suitable on such short notice. I wouldn't want to risk sending you off somewhere that might cause a panic attack."

"No, Miss." I'd rather have stayed on school grounds, anyway. The idea of going out dressed as Leah felt doubly humiliating. I was trying my best not to look as depressed as I felt.

"There are a lot of clubs still readying themselves for a new school year. I'd like you to assist the preparations."

"Yes, Miss."

"The photography club."

Damn.I knew who ran the photography club and what that would mean. I didn't want to deal with anybody. I just wanted to hide away, run away, not live whatever the hell my existence had turned into.

"Are you quite alright, Veber?"

"Y-yes, Miss."

"You look a little...is this a panic attack?"

Jesus Christ, were people going to worry I was having a panic attack, every time the slightest thing unsettled me? I shook my head.

"I have news about your counselling. It will be with Roisin. She's very good, I'm told. You can either see her after lunch on a Monday, or first thing on a Friday?"

I had hoped to not see her at all. I hoped to not be here at all. Given a choice between the two, however, I knew which I'd prefer. "Monday!" After lunch on a Monday was when swimming lessons took place.

"Very well, I shall make sure they are informed. You will find her in the Lemon Room. It's the green building next to the stables. But now, the head of the photography club is..." she peered down at her papers. "Miss Jessica Shaw from 8J. I believe you share some classes with 8J?"

"Drama, Miss. I know her, she's...she's ok." In truth, Jess was ok. She was just quite intense and almost certainly attracted to me in a way that made things difficult. I couldn't deny Jess was good looking in her own, quirky, confident way, but it couldn't go anywhere. I was Ellie's girl, and I had bigger things on my mind. All of it just made the idea of a day with her feel troubling.

"Miss Shaw is rigid enough a personality that I can trust her to supervise your community service. I don't suspect she'll allow you to slack off or finish early. I'll have someone escort you down."

.

She couldn't find a member of staff to escort me down, so she trusted me to go on my own. The Meadows. I found Jess outside one of the smaller buildings, House E.

"Leah!" So sweet of you to help out." Jess said eagerly and shook my hand.

"Well, it wasn't exactly my choice." That made her laugh far harder than it deserved. She then took a bow. I couldn't tell what that was supposed to mean. If it meant anything at all or if it was just Jess beingJess.

"So..." I tried to think of something to say. It was difficult. My mood had fallen so sharply that doing anything at all felt right trying to reach out beyond a dark fog. "You said before you wanted one of these buildings for your club. I guess you got one, then?"

"I have, I have!" She said excitedly, her wide glasses bouncing a little on the end of her nose. She tucked a lock of brown hair behind her ear and leant in. "If we're in the business of sharing secrets...I think Mrs McIntyre is as keen to fill these buildings with as many clubs as she can. The more clubs that surround the Bryner Club building, the less secretive it will become."

"What even is the Bryner Club?" I asked. No one ever seemed to explain.

"Something very Masonic. My contacton the insidedoesn't tell me much. We get a view of their club house from here though, look!"

Before I could react, she had grabbed my hand. She led me into House E. It was a small apartment with a staircase that led up to several different rooms. She pulled me up the stairs and into a bedroom with twin beds and wide windows. "There, see?" She said. I could see the large red door of the Bryner house. I was more bothered by the fact Jess had not yet let go of my hand.

"Perhaps we could do a stake out one night." She said. "Just like in the films, eh? I'll bring the chips and you bring the binoculars." She let out her goofy laugh.

"The chips?"

She didn't answer that. She had let go my hand and was hurrying down the stairs again. She was excited, I realised. Excited either to set up the club house or to spend a day with me. Reluctantly, I followed her back outside.

"What we've got to do first is move all the supplies from the old room in Athena dorm, out to here. It means a good deal of lifting and walking on a hot day like this, are you up to it?"

It was a hot day. It was mid-October now and yet the summer heat seemed to have endured. Athena Dorm was in the far north east of the grounds, up past the main building, art barn, and castle theatre. There was even a slight hill that wouldn't help. Suddenly, I regretted not wearing a cooler outfit, rather than the long sleeve black t-shirt, black skirt, and tights Ellie had picked for me. I hoped I wouldn't sweat too much. "Sure." I was forced to say.

"After that, it'll mostly be a spot of painting. I'm supposed to keep you here and working until at least 3pm but I think we'll deserve a rest, if we finish early."

.

I did sweat. A lot. My legs chafed in the tights. The silicone breasts made my chest beneath them sweat and itch. I found myself wiping my brow in every moment my hands weren't loaded with objects. The sun was constant and beating. Even Jess was sweating and she had taken a moment in the club house to change into dark blue mini shorts with a Crystal Palace sports top. She was the last person I expected to be a football fan but it was nice to have something in common we could talk about whilst hauling boxes upon boxes of supplies, folded easels, chairs, even a desk. We carried them all the way across the path by the lake. I hardly felt positive but she at least pulled me into a rhythm. It was like the heavy gears of an old train; they find it impossible to get going but, once they had, ran a little smoother. I walked and I talked and tried not to feel too numb. I tried my best to enjoy being Leah. I had enjoyed it at times before. Sometimes I had been able to distract myself from the humiliation but that felt more difficult now. Not to mention our choice of activity: talking football, carrying heavy objects...as shallow as it was, it feltmanly.I supposed that should've felt like a good thing but somehow it made it all even worse. It just reminded me how stripped of my masculinity I was as Leah. I had to get away from this place.

.

Our football talk lasted as long as I could make it. Her knowledge of the German Bundesliga was limited. My knowledge of the English Premier League was fairly good but eventually we fell away into simpler conversation. Did I think there was a musky smell to the Charles Madson building? Which was the worst dorm? What did I think of the teachers? I admitted my favourite was probably Miss Anderton. Miss Roach seemed nice too, but I hadn't actually seen her enough.

"I like Mr Tomkins. Everybody likes Mr Tomkins." Jess said. "Miss Roach is a fair choice, though. Did you know she and Miss Daphne were both students here?"

"They were?"

She nodded proudly, pleased to have shared gossip I didn't know. "Nell Fernsby even says they shared a room together. I don't know if that's true. Poor Miss Roach, if it is."

"Yeah." It felt my stomach tighten. Ellie acted so lax about her detentions with Miss Daphne but they concerned me. "Does she really use the cane on students? Is that just a rumour?"

"Well, if there was truth to the rumour, you'd think she'd have been suspended." Jess said, grunting under the weight of the metal stool she was carrying. "Then again, she's certainly vindictive enough. I would infer that means she's your least favourite teacher?"

I nodded. We reached the club house again and put down our burdens.

"She's everyone's least favourite. Really quite beautiful, though. The trick, I'm told, with Miss Daphne, is to keep sayingI'm sorry, Miss Daphne.When you're in trouble. She likes to provoke students into anger so she can place them in more trouble. Shiv told me if you just keep responding with that phrase, she gets frustrated and lets you off the hook."

"Shiv?"

"Shivering Charlotte. She'd know, she's been in trouble with her enough."

I made a note of that. Miss Daphne likes to provoke students into deeper trouble. Ellie needed warning. With her temper, that was a trap she'd walk into without end.

.

We were both panting by the time we finished moving everything. We had tried to get it done as quickly as we could, in order to escape the sun. Sweat had left Jess' brown hair damp and even her sports top was wet enough for me to see the faintest shape of her nipples. Evidently, she wasn't wearing a bra.

"There better be glasses in the kitchen cupboards. I think we deserve a good drink." She said. The house looked like an ordinary flat. Plain white walls, a polished wooden floor. There were three bedrooms upstairs and one big bathroom, where downstairs was an open plan living room and kitchen. It was furnished with beds, cupboards, a sofa and a dining table. There weren't any glasses but we both drank greedily from the kitchen tap. It caused half the water to splash against us but we were already wet from sweat anyway.

"I bet we stink, Leah." Jess said, no longer panting. "Do I smell?" She pulled the front of her top forwards. Reluctantly, I leant in to sniff, my nose just inches from her small breasts.

"I can't smell anything."

"You're flattering me, I know it. We deserve a break. I think I might try the shower upstairs. Do you want one, too? I assume there is a shower, I haven't looked."

I did want one, however it wasn't worth the risk of revealing myself. I was happy to collapse onto the sofa.It's not humiliating.I tried to tell myself.Nobody knows. Jess just thinks you're a girl. Even more than that, Jess thought I was attractive. Her excitable nervousness wasn't lost on me. If only I was a girl, it might've felt flattering.

"Leah, come look!" I heard her call from upstairs.

"What?" She didn't answer so I was forced to follow her. She smiled at me when I appeared.

"There's a bath!" she said, pointing into the room. "Don't you just love baths? My dorm room only has a shower!"

"My room has a bath." I said. I wasn't particularly bothered about them.

"I think I'll have a bath instead, do you mind?"

"Erm, no." I suppose it gave me a chance to rest. I turned to leave, only then she said.

"Fetch a chair, if you like?"

"What?"

She had said it so casually. It threw me.

"Or just sit on the toilet seat, if that's easier."

"Wha...wh..." My voice trailed off. She was already running the bath and had removed her shirt so that the pale skin of her back was visible. Keeping her back to me, she took off her glasses and laid them on the edge of the bath.

"What do you mean?" I managed to say. Was she asking me to stay with her while she bathed? I felt panicked. Was that a normal girl thing? It couldn't be. What if I was expected to bathe after her? I stood waiting on the cusp of the door, dumbfounded. She hadn't heard my question over the sound of the running water. A moment later she turned around. Her small breasts, her shallow cleavage....her nipples were dark. Her body was so thin.

"L-Leah!" She spluttered, covering her breasts. Again, I panicked. I turned away.

"Sorry, sorry I didn't realise...I didn't know..."

She sounded embarrassed but she tried to laugh it off. "Silly, Leah. I meant once I'm submerged and gotten the water foamy."

"Of course. Sorry. Sorry, I'll..." I moved out and closed the door behind me. I'd gone bright red. No way was that a normalgirl thing.NO WAY was I expected to know she meant pull up a chair after she'd submerged herself in foamy water. If she was coming onto me, it was a weird way to go about it. I didn't want to seem too awkward, though. I'd already been in a changing room with girls, and nobody was shy or embarrassed then.Maybe this is an ordinary girl thing?I started to wonder, started to convince myself.

.

After five minutes of waiting, she called to say I could enter. I didn't want to enter but it would've felt rude to object now.

"I've found some candles!" she said happily.

Only her head and the tops of her shoulders were risen out of the foamed water. The lights were dimmed so that the row of candles along the shelf by the bath illuminated the room.

"Why is there bathfoam and candles but not any drinking glasses in this house?"

She laughed at that. "Maybe someone else has bathed before us? They normally give these houses to parents wanting to visit over weekends."

I sat there silent. After a moment, her face seemed to redden slightly. She darted her eyes around, as though searching for something to say.

"Why did you fight with Danielle?"

"Erm." Even with the awkward way she had said it, the question came at me like an arrow.

"Was it anything to do with Anna and Jojo?"

"Did Mrs. McIntyre ask you to try and interrogate me?"

That made her look even more awkward. Both shy and confused. "No? Should she?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, I just...nevermind. Erm..." I didn't want to tell her, but something about her shy, half-bewildered, innocent expression, disarmed me. Jess always seemed so innocent. Strange but kind. She wasn't trying to be nosy, I could tell that. She went about it badly but she was just trying to help. "Danielle thinks I'm some sort of spoilt brat because I keep missing class from panic attacks and things. She thinks I got Ellie to bully Jojo and Anna, too, which is insane."

Jess let out a snort of laughter. It was the reaction I'd been hoping for. It relieved me.

"That sounds like Anna and Jojo. I didn't realise Danielle was their friend until recently. I always quite liked Danielle."

"She's just as bad as them." I said, rather too forcefully. Suddenly, I did want to talk. It felt good to bitch about them all. "She started the fight. She slapped me, I think. She even said shit about Ellie!"

Jess sat up at this. For a moment, her body emerged. Pert breasts, wet from the water and gleaming under the candelight. I looked away. She realised and covered herself with the foam again. When I looked once more, she had moved closer towards my end of the bath. I tried to focus on her eyes. Wide, brown eyes.

"Can I ask." She began carefully. "Are you and Ellie..."

"Are we a thing?"

"I know Anna and Jojo said you were, but they speak lots of gobbledegook. I mean to say, if it is true, it's not something to bully you over. In fact, I actually think..."

"I don't know what we are." I admitted. I couldn't think of anything else to say. It felt hard to think straight. Jess was right there. Shewascoming onto me, wasn't she? I didn't know what to do. Jess was cute. I wanted to reject her. I wanted to run. Somehow, I was doing nothing, only she was waiting for me to speak. "I...she confuses me, I guess. Sometimes I think I hate her but mostly...I mean, at other times..."

"You love her?" Jess asked.

That wasn't what I was going to say. That wasn't the word. Suddenly it turned me bright red and Jess saw.

"Aww, it's ok, Leah." She said, moving herself further along the bath until she was right my the end. She was just to my left. If I reached out a hand, now...

"I didn't mean that." I blurted. I just meant she confuses me, that's all."

"You like her, though. If she's stringing you along, I think that's rather cruel."