Needing Leah

Heads up, this is the final chapter to volume 3.

31: Spring Term

I couldn't believe it had ever come to this. It was only several months ago I had first met Ellie. The idea of being calledLeahat all had felt so humiliating to me. The idea I had to disguise myself in girl's clothing, just to get through school. It had all been such an awful, improbable scenario. It wasn't any more. The clothing I had once felt was a disguise, now felt like a window into another radiant version of myself. Pain had defined so much of my time at Bryner: the reason for my enrolment, my father's void of affection, my lack of escape options, my lack of home to call my own. He may have been the reason I arrived at Bryner academy, but he didn't have to be reason I returned. I could make the experience my own. I could define it very differently.

"I want to transition."

.

When I told her, Ellie looked like she might've burst into tears. As we sat there in the warm bath, she pulled me into the tightest embrace and held me there with her head on my shoulder, occasionally kissing my neck or the back of my wet hair.

"Were you hoping I would?" I said, surprised by the intensity of her reaction.

"It's not about what I was hoping, babe."

"No, but how you feel matters too, and it's gotten you emotional."

She drew back and took my face between her hands. Eyes half-welled.

"I'm just so proud of you. Ok, I am relieved. I didn't want to be alone at Bryner, and this gives us a little longer together. But mostly I'm just so, so proud. This is a massive step, girl."

"I know," I said. It should've felt daunting but right now, it was the reverse. Even just saying I wanted to transition had sparked a warmth in my chest. I leant forwards and kissed her. The action seemed to push Ellie over the edge into full-flowing tears.

"You were so scared when this all started," she said. "You felt like you were weak. Look at you, now. My beautiful woman."

"Not as beautiful as you."

She gave a laugh, still crying, then tried to wash her tears with the bathwater to recover composure.

"I want to make sure I understand properly, babe. I hope this doesn't sound bad, I just want to check what transitioning means for you, ok? Like, for example your dick. Do you want me to pretend it isn't there? I used to call it your clit sometimes. Do you want me to go back to that?"

I shook my head. "No, it is what it is. I don't want to pretend anything. I'm a girlandI have a penis."

"So you still want me to touch it?"

"When I've earned the reward, yes."

"So, like you'd still want to fuck me with it one day?"

"Definitely," I said smiling. She smiled, too but then seemed to have run out of questions. I had expected a lot more. It suddenly made me insecure. "I mean, would you rather pretend it was a clit?"

"It's about what feels right for you, Leah."

"I know, but still?"

I remembered the time, months ago, when I had tried asking if she was lesbian, if she only liked me when she could pretend I was a girl. She had avoided answering then, and my worry had melted away as I had grown to know her better...but now I wondered again. Ellie was quick to wrap me with her arms.

"Hey, don't think like that. You be confident in who you are, ok? You're my cute girl, with a hunk of caged meat between her legs."

"You don't have to phrase it like-"

"I'm hot for everything about you, Leah. Do you know how gorgeous those wide eyes of yours are? I love your smile. Your arse. Your cute little moans. I like seeing your dick grow and leak a little at the end. I like playing with it. I like seeing it squirm beneath the cage. If youdidhave a clit, I'd like feeling it turn wet, seeing your panties dampen. I'd find you hot as fuck, no matter what body parts you have. Don't you dare doubt it for a second."

Suddenly, it was my turn to cry.

.

Ellie slept deeply again that night, spooning me, with my bare arse pressing against the front of her panties. I had decided to sleep with my breastplate on. It generally wasn't a good idea for my skin or the breastplate but tonight felt like a good exception.

I am a girl.

Even better.

I am a woman.

Despite the fact very little had technically changed, I felt too excited to sleep. We would be leaving for Bryner tomorrow afternoon. Her father had booked a taxi for 4pm so we could arrive a little before bedtime. I was sure Bryner would feel easier, happier. I would be more relaxed around Thalia and the other girls. I even wondered if it was worth telling them my secret. It was a risk. There would be no taking it back if they reacted badly. Plus, they were still technically friends with Kiara. We still hadn't dealt with her. Ellie's masterplan had been to vaguely befriend her partner James in the hopes he might help us somehow, but that felt wishful and aimless. I also didn't know where I stood with Jess. Things had been uneasy between us at the end of last term. Perhaps worst of all, Jojo was still at Bryner. She would be on her own and hopefully not even half as confident, now that Anna had been excluded...but she was still there.

She doesn't frighten me.

The biggest question of all was what to do about my parents? I had been so determined to never speak to them again, where Ellie had been so determined to manage something diplomatic with her own father. Perhaps there was a third option?

I read through the email from Miss Anderton again, thinking deeply. What would happen if they did come to visit me?

At the very least, it would strip back some of my dad's power. It would show I was at school for my own reasons now, not his. And either he would have to accept that or, if he freaked out and hated it...

Then he could always change my records back. It would put the ball in his court.

I started laughing to myself, picturing his look of horror. His son had become a daughter and he'd have no one to blame but himself. Perhaps I'd tell him I was seeking surgery?

Bet that would make him crumble...

Still on the email, I pressed reply and typed.

.

Dear Miss Anderton,

Thank you for your message. I have taken the time to think about the options. I want to stay at Bryner, at least for the time being. Wrenvale Academy doesn't feel like the right fit and I would miss the friends I've made here. You mentioned last term that I might be able to move to the same class as Ellie? I would appreciate that, Miss. I would also appreciate it if my parents could come and visit. Would you be able to arrange that?

Also, I don't know if this is something you can help with but I want to get a part-time job. Just something small to help build my independence. I think it would help with anxiety. Do you know if there's anything going in Otter's Drift?

Leah

.

I pressed send and flailed my limbs in celebration. It made Ellie stir a little, who then spooned me tighter, one arm around my waist. I didn't want to wake her, so tried to hold it in. Tried to shake only my feet, though instead found my arse rubbing against her. I hadn't realised at first, not until Ellie spoke.

"Leah, are you grinding?"

"Oh." I stopped and went still.

"No, no. Finish what you started, baby," she slid her hand back to my hip and started moving me herself. "Were you trying to wake me?"

"No. I didn't realise I was, sorry Ellie."

"Sure,you didn't. You were turned on and hoped if you pretended to accidentally grind against me, I'd be kind enough to fuck you."

"Am I in trouble?" I was grinding willingly again. I could tell she liked it. I liked it.

"For waking me, yes. Maybe I should keep you awake all night as punishment. Would you like that?"

I squirmed. "It depends what that means."

"Pick a number between 1 and 50." She was now grabbing my cheeks, giving light spanks and squeezes. She was kissing my neck and nipping at my ears.

"1." I knew better than to pick a big number. She laughed and shook her head.

"You're getting too wise, I see, sweetie. Pick again. Make it nice, or I'll pick for you."

Agh fuck. That meant pick a reasonably high number, or else she'll pick 50. What's the lowest, reasonably high number? Ten wouldn't work. 30 was surely playing it too safe.

"Hurry up and pick, or I'll double whatever you say."

"Err...20?"

"Good girl. Go and set up the machine. Dress or undress however you want. Get any pillows you'd like for comfort. In exactly two minutes, I want you knelt before the bed, the machine fucking you, the remote in my hand."

Well, I'd definitely woken her up, then. It didn't sound so bad. To be fucked by the machine for 20 minutes. It sounded way more like a reward. I did exactly as she said. Cleaned, lubed, and positioned the machine. Adjusted it several times until it was right. Ellie was sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs open. Naked. I guessed she'd want me to lick her, so I moved myself and the machine a little nearer.

"You sure you want to wear that?" she said, looking down at me. I had put on a purple thong that was easy to pull aside for the dildo. I wore simply that and my corset. I had only briefly worn the corset during the slutty pictures game. I had been wanting to wear it again ever since.

"Could you...tighten it, maybe?"

"Tighten?"

"I want to feel more restricted."

She raised an eyebrow. "You might regret that."

"Please?" It was only going to be for twenty minutes. The tighter it was, not only the more prominent physique it gave me, but the more enclosed I felt. It was a little like the feeling of being bound; breath just slightly restricted but not enough to be dangerous. We'd only ever explored breath play in small amounts. Perhaps because the last time she'd properly choked me was when she had lost her temper. A corset being a little too tight felt like a softer, more reasonable amount to explore. Ellie pulled the strings until I felt my torso contract. Oh my god, why had these even been invented? I could feel it pressing my ribs in.

"You look fit as fuck in that, by the way," Ellie said, retaking her seat. I glanced down. She had only turned on a nightlamp for light but I could see my breasts had been pushed up into a tight cleavage. I wanted to go look in the mirror but Ellie put her foot on my head and made me kneel.

"Now," she continued. "You are not allowed to cum. The machine is going to fuck you non-stop however, when you are on the edge, you will signal me and I'll stop it for a short moment. If you accidentally cum, we start all over again."

"What, for another 20 minutes?"

Ellie grinned, as though she'd been hoping I would make that mistake. "Minutes? Who said anything about minutes? This thing is going you fuck you until you've made me cum 20 times. Be sure to speak up when your face is between my legs, because if I don't hear you and I don't stop the machine in time, we will start all over again."

Oh fuck. She couldn't be serious?

.

She was serious. I had been edged four times before she even came once. I was sure she was deliberately holding herself back from cumming, just to tease me. My tongue tired very quickly. When I tried to use my fingers, she grabbed her nearby shirt and used it to tie my wrists together. I couldn't raise both my hands off the floor without losing balance.

"Use your mouth. Eat up, puppy!"

By the time I had made her cum five times, I had lost count of my own edging. It must have at least been twenty.

"To think you found cumming from anal so hard only a week ago!" she exclaimed happily. "You're so very sensitive now, honey."

"Please!"

"No, don't waste your words. You need to make me cum."

I tried again, I just about managed her sixth orgasm. She squirted against me with a cry of ecstasy.

"OH! That's it, babygirl! I am so proud of you. You are so very good."

"I can't do anymore!"

"Yes, you can."

"I can't!" I was panting so much, made worse by the corset. I felt so desperate to cum and my tongue could barely move. "Please!" I begged again, which itself turned me on even more and I had to immediately shout, "stop!" before I came. She switched the machine off for an agonising ten seconds before it started up again.

"Are you saying you're going to fail me?" Ellie said. I didn't respond, desperately trying to lick at her clit.

"Are you going to fail your Ellie?"

Already, I was getting close to cumming again.

"Fail your Missy? Your Mommy?"

Mommy?That was a new one. It made me pause for a second, then I was on the edge again.

"Stop!"

She switched it off.

"What will you do if you fail your Mommy?"

"Please!"

"How will you make it up to me?"

On came the machine again. The fastest setting. I couldn't try anymore. I pressed my face down against the edge of the mattress instead. "Agh! Fuaa!"

"How will you make it up to your Mommy?"

"I'll do ANYTHING!"

"Be specific. Make an offer."

I could barely think. It was hard enough trying to stop myself from cumming. "I'll...I'll..."

"You'll what, Leah?"

"Stop!" Off the machine went. I writhed where I was knelt, groaning with torment. "Pleaaaase! I'll wear a smaller cage!"

"Will you? That's a good start, what else?" Ellie leant over to pour more lube.

"I'll wear a plug all the time."

"Allthe time?" she giggled in surprise.

"As much as I can."

"What kind of plug?"

The machine started again. Oh my god it felt so good to be so desperate. I wanted to cum so badly, and the torture of trying to stop myself was getting worse and worse.

"Any plug! A big plug!" I cried out, clutching at straws. "Vibrating. Thrusting!"

"Ok, that's a bit better. One I can control remotely?"

"YES!"

"What else?"

Else? How much did she want? What else could I bargain? I was on the edge again. Calling her to stop went against every one of my impulses. My body so, so wanted to give in, but I knew she'd make me regret it. "Stop!" I said, then gasped with frustration when it did. "Please Mommy, please let me cum!"

"Will you be my puppy?" She said, dangling the idea over me. "When we're safe in the dorm, when I need cheering up, will you be my puppy for an evening?"

I wasn't in the right state to process the complexity of her words. Had I not been desperate to cum, I may have told her she didn't need to blackmail into that. I may have found it sweet and felt fulfilled to have realised just how much my puppy play must have cheered her up last time. As it was, all I could do was beg.

"I will be your puppy, Mommy! Please!"

"My good girl puppy?"

"YES!" On came the machine again. I was practically growling with pleasure and torment.

"Then say it. Apologise, tell me you've failed, and tell me how you'll make it up to me."

"I'm sorry Mommy, I've failed you! I will be your puppy to make it up."

"And?"

"And I will wear a smaller cage and a remote-controlled plug!"

"Good." To my horror, she turned off the machine. I let out a wail and tried to thrust myself against it. She pulled the machine away.

"No! Please! You said you'd let me cum!"

I felt her cuddle me from behind. Her arms around my chest whilst she bent until I could feel her breasts against my back, her hair swaying before my eyes.

"I said no such thing, only that you would have to make it up to me for failing the game. You failed to make me cum 20 times."

"But it was impossible, you knew it was! I feel desperate!"

She kissed my neck. "That's the idea. I want you more desperate than you've ever been. So we're going to edge you some more with a vibrator in a moment, then again in the morning. As much as we possibly can. Then, I'm going to put that plug inside you for the whole taxi ride home. I want the next time you cum, for it to be the biggest, most intense orgasm of your life. Because when we get back to Bryner, we're going to have the most passionate and romantic sex of our lives. We've earned that kind of celebration. The kind that will be unforgettable."

There was so much excitement in her voice, even as she tried to keep her words steady. She adored me. I could hear it in her tone. Her breath, even. She gave me an affectionate squeeze before standing up, that I took to be a sign of gratitude. I had given her something that I now realised was likely the thing she wanted most of all.Me. A longer time together at Bryner. Perhaps the entire spring term. I didn't know exactly how much of her life had been spent shut away in a dark cellar, nor how much had been lost wishing for her father's love. I hoped, with me, she would never be without love ever again.

.

I don't know how long she kept me awake. She had to gag and bind me in the end to keep me quiet and still enough. She had to swap vibrators twice because they kept running out of charge, pulsing heavily against my metal cage. I was a dizzy blur of sleep-deprived desperation. By the time she finished, I was so exhausted yet also so buzzed I could barely sleep. When I did finally drift off, it felt no time at all before she was waking me to start the torture all over again. Would she be right? Would the eventual chance to cum be the most euphoric experience possible? It was difficult not to smile at the prospect. Even after she finished and we set about packing; I was finding it hard to stop myself smiling with excitement.

Despite taking all of the toys back with her, Ellie seemed to find extra space for more books from her shelf, her record player and vinyls (mostly for me), and her Playstation. I had a lot more clothes to pack but managed to fit them all, leaving out only the outfit I intended to wear; the one Ellie had namedConfident Look.High-waisted skinny jeans with brown ankle boots, then a gold necklace over a dusty-rose crop top. I elected not to leave out a coat, despite the cold, sensing it might detract from the look. Confident was the style to return with. Leah had often been a means to express my anxiety but it was about time she meant more than that. I took a while to get ready while Ellie showered, only she didn't return when she was done. Supposing she was talking to her dad, I crept towards the stairs to try and listen out. Instead, I heard a loud sniff from further down the landing. Daniel's door was open.

"Ellie?"

She didn't look up when I approached. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing grey leggings and a loose-fitting jumper. A stack of family photos were scattered all around her, including the ones that had been pinned to the writing bureau.

"You ok?" I said softly, hovering by the door. She sniffed again and took a moment to wipe her eyes.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am."

She was holding the photo of herself, Daniel, and her mum. "I didn't realise these were all in here. It's been years since..."

"Yeah," I said. I had already guessed she hadn't stepped foot in her brother's room for a long time.

"We look so happy. I'd always thought that side of me had died, or else I was always miserable and only pretended in photos."

She handed it to me. The resemblance to her mum was uncanny. All three of them did look happy. I wondered if her father had taken the photo, or else if he'd been absent from that memory. "Why don't you take this back with you?" I said. She didn't seem to hear.

"I canstillbe happy, can't I? That same girl is still in me somewhere. I think...they are, too, my mum and Dan. That's probably why I came in here. I always thought it'd just remind me of everything I've lost..." she glanced at me, eyes red and teary. "I haven't lost them, have I? They can still be in me. They're the happiness, right?"

I smiled softly. "Yeah, they're a part of it, El. Why don't you take that photo with you?"

"Dad'd miss it."