Needing Leah

Volume 3 - Involution

23: Whitford House

Dear Diary,

Roisin suggested I started a journal to keep track of my thoughts and feelings. Everybody keeps saying writing is my talent, though I prefer to write about things less personal. Especially right now. So much has happened, it almost feels impossible to explain.

My name is Liam Weber. Late September, I was enrolled at Bryner Academy for a program of SLDs, when it was the only private school that would take me on a scholarship. I was quite happy to settle for a state school but my dad had others ideas. Ideas so extreme that -

I hesitated with the pen in my hand. It felt stupid to write it all out. Worse, it felt unsafe, like freeing a secret that needed to stay hidden. I sat a moment, wondering if there was a way to skirt around the point, when Ellie came up behind me. I felt her hands on my shoulders and a quick kiss on the back of my head. She peered down at the journal.

"Stuck after 5 sentences?" she mocked. "Just say:my dad is an obsessive bastard who enrolled me in a school for girls when no boy schools would take me."She then shook her head. "Doesn't sound harsh enough.My dad hired some kind of black market hacker to alter my birth certificate because he thinks disguising me as a girl is worth it for a private education."

"It still doesn't sound harsh enough," I said with a grim smile. Not that I wanted to sound harsh. The journal was supposed to help me reflect. The logic that maybe if I put it out on paper, there'd be less anxiety swirling around in my head. Ellie offered a few more descriptions, each more forceful and comical than the last, then she lost interest and went back to packing.

.

Ideas so extreme that he sent me to a school where I didn't belong,I wrote. That felt like a diplomatic middle-ground.

I thought I'd only last a few days before it was cleared up. I thought I'd be able to transfer or drop out. Somehow, I've lasted until December. Whilst I still hate it, there have been some successes.

For one, I have a girlfriend. My first ever girlfriend. It's been rough at times, but I'm so thankful to have her. Secondly, our relationship was made public and, whilst we were teased, it's largely felt like a relief. Thirdly, ANNA IS GONE. Gone for good. Without her, Bryner can at least feel safe. Fourth, I'm going to spend the Christmas holiday with Ellie at her dad's house. I still really need to escape Bryner. To be honest, I feel like I should've done more to have made it happen already, but the holiday at least will be mini escape. I'm feeling excited to forget about it all for a while.

I stopped. I read it back, feeling bad about all my omissions. I was supposed to be reflecting, yet there I sat, writing about how eager I was to forget. The paragraph read like the bland sort ofWhat-Did-I-Do-Over-The-Weekendassignments we used to write in school when I was six years old. I probably could've done better, but then I had packing to get on with. We'd be leaving at 6am the following morning.

.

There wasn't much I needed to pack. My laptop had been put in my backpack alongside various different chargers, toothbrush, painkillers. I'd recently been starting to get acid reflux, which Ellie thought must be to do with anxiety, so I had bought two boxes ofRenniein case. I'd picked out two books, in case there was time to read.The Duchess of Malfiby John Webster andParadise Lostby John Milton. Both were books on the reading list for next term. Beyond that, what did I have?

Some panties, bras, tights. A few tops and skirts and dresses. Ellie had bought me an array of clothes but most of what I wore had always been the school uniform. The bits I was left felt inadequate to last a 2 week holiday. I had considered packing my boy clothes but that would've been pointless, seeing as staying with Ellie's dad meant being permanently disguised as Leah. My travel case was a small, grey case no bigger than a freezer draw. I had barely filled any of it. I only had to glance at Ellie's to notice the contrast.

Her suitcase was so large, I could've comfortably curled up inside. And yet, she had filled the thing to the point she was struggling to shut the zip. She noticed my gaze and stopped.

"What?"

"You, that's what!" I said, smirking. "We're going away for 2 weeks, not 2 years."

"Oh, hush. I'm just being prepared."

"We're staying at your home, though? Surely there's already a tonne of your stuff there?"

"Some clothes. But I brought most of them when I came here. Besides, that's not what's filling this up. I've packedtoys,ya dumb bitch."

I wasn't sure what perplexed me more. Being called adumb bitchin such an affectionate tone, or the fact she seemingly owned enough sex toys to fill the boot of a car. "Just what are you planning?"

"Nothing. I'm just making sure we've got options. Two weeks with no class is a lot of time to fill. I mean, I'll probably have to spend some time with my dad, but even so."

She had packed a lot of books too, I remembered. I had seen her adding them earlier. At least 12. It made me wonder if I should be packing more. She took a moment to sit down on top of her case. She wiped a hand over her forehead where the faint beginnings of sweat were glistening on her skin. It was freezing outside, but Ellie wanted to get as much use out of the free dormitory heating as she could, before we left. So much so that the exercise of packing had caused her to strip down to just an oversized grey top and red panties. Her red hair was tied behind her back, damp and dishevelled. Somehow, that made her even hotter. I would've moved to kiss her, but Ellie's brown eyes were wide and nervous.

"There's some stuff I wanna warn you about before you meet him," she said. "It'd be easier to explain now than in the car with a taxi driver listening in. My dad...well, I expect he'll be very pleasant towards you as a guest, but he also might not be. It depends. He can be difficult."

"Ellie, I'm well-versed with difficult dads. You told me enough. I know exactly what to expect."

She looked less than reassured. "Just don't get upset if he berates me, ok? Don't rush to my defence. That's what he'll want. I'm used to it, anyway."

"You want me to politely ignore it?"

"Yes," she stressed. "And don't mention my brother or my mum to him. He'll probably mention them, but don't ask questions. Don't get him talking about them."

"Right?" I said, starting to feel confused.

"And don't curtsy, if he asks you to."

"Curtsy?"

"And..." she took a breath. "Alright, this will sound weird, but he likes me...to call him...daddy."

It didn't strike me as too weird. Every stereotype I'd ever heard of British private school children involved them referring to their parents as mummy and daddy. I was more confused by her previous warnings.

"It's not inthatway," she added. "It's just...well he likes me to make me feel childish and useless."

"And you put up with it?" I said, which was an immediate mistake. Her defensiveness roared.

"I can stand my ground, Leah. I snap back when it matters, but if I got at him over every single barb and sneer, I'd never get on with my life. Just...follow my lead on it, alright? If I ignore an insult, you ignore it. If I take issue, then...well, just step in if I get too angry, you know? I don't wanna be having proper fights, not in front of you."

I wasn't sure about this. Though, I had gone behind Ellie's back over our last disagreement. She had asked me not to speak to my counsellor Roisin about Miss Daphne, and I had ended up doing it anyway. I hadn't had much of a choice, and it had turned out well, but I knew it hurt Ellie's trust in me. She had put me back into chastity as a punishment. I wanted Ellie to know I could be supportive.

"Alright, I'll follow your lead."

"Thanks honey, and..." she looked even more shy now. She began absently scratching the back of her legs. "Last thing. Can we err, pretend we're not a couple when we're around him? Act like we're just friends and room-mates. It's not I'm ashamed or anything, but if he knew I was dating a girl..."

"You're not dating a girl."

"Yeah, but you know. If hethoughtI was dating a girl, it'd just cause a massive argument and he'd threaten to cut my allowance, and it's so not worth the hassle. I just..." she sighed. I became aware again of just how beautiful she was, even without makeup and barely dressed. The best makeup in the world would never make me look as good as her. "There's been so much stress at Bryner. I want the holiday to be as stress-free as we can possibly make it."

I came forwards and wrapped a hug around her. Predictably, she was tense at first but slowly softened into the comfort.

"I want the same thing, El," I said. I didn't want to pretend we were just friends, but I definitely wanted an escape from stress. "If you think pretending will make it easier, then we'll do that."

"You're sure?"

I nodded. I would be supportive from now on, no matter what. "Does he know I'm coming?"

"No." She pulled out of the hug so she could face me properly. "If I don't warn him, he can't say no." She then saw my expression and hastened to add: "But he won't mind! He'll be pleased."

"Pleased?"

"Yeah, I mean if he thinks I've just brought home a friend, then he won't have his usual worry about..." she trailed off, realising what she was saying.His usual worry.It revealed something about Ellie that she had always been incredibly vague to offer any information about. Her past relationships. She had clearly had multiple. Presumably all of them with boys, unless she had hidden girls from her dad in the past. I tried my best to arrange my face in as casual an expression as I could.

"I just meant to say..." she tried again but I raised a hand.

"It's fine, Ellie. I get it. You were allowed to have relationships before me. It'd be fucking weird if I took issue with that."

Truly, I didn't take issue. I had always suspected as much, anyway. I did feel a little sting of curiosity, though. I doubted whatever boys she had brought home had been dressed like me. I doubted any of them were caged and had all likely fucked Ellie in the exact way she had never allowed me to do. Or maybe they hadn't? I would've like to have asked, but I didn't want her thinking I was upset. I smiled stiffly.

"I always guessed you had a lot more experience than me."

"It doesn't make you any less hot, ok?" She looked relieved by my reaction. "Do your parents know you're coming to mine?"

"No."

"Don't you think you should tell them? Stress-free doesn't mean burying our heads in the-"

"I'll tell them if they bother to contact me. Right now, let's just focus on actually getting there."

.

Her father had booked the taxi for Ellie. She paid the driver a little extra cash to account for taking me as well. Ellie and I talked quietly for the journey, sensing the driver was listening in. It made conversation awkward and soon, Ellie turned to her earphones and music. I turned to staring out the window. Sitting in a car for a 5-hour journey meant having to sit with my thoughts far longer than I liked. Roisin probably would've seen it as a good thing, but my journal was packed away, so I couldn't write, which meant I couldn't even get the anxiety out of my head. We were driving to Yorkshire. It felt like travelling nearer to my parents, even if they'd still be more than two hours away from Ellie's home. The more I sat, the more nervous I became. I got the sense Ellie was getting nervous, too. How would her dad react when I stepped out? What if he did say no and sent me straight back for another 5-hour journey to Bryner on my own? Even if I could stay, my presence might sour things between the two of them, contributing to a tense, agonising awkwardness. The last thing I wanted was to make Ellie miserable.

She asked you to come. She knows what she's doing,I reminded myself. It did nothing to ease the tightness in my chest, though. I watched the morning sunshine spoil into a grey afternoon. I watched the roads reduce from large motorways to country lanes, and then finally a dirt track into the middle of nowhere. When the car came to a stop, Ellie took a quick moment to squeeze my hand tight.

"We're here."

.

I knew a little of what to expect.Whitford Housewas a large, four-bedroom Tudor house, with the typical white walls, dark beams, and small windows. It was situated before a circular gravel drive, surrounded by a vast, enclosed garden. It felt imposing, though I also couldn't help but notice the cracks in the walls, and how overgrown the grass was. We thanked the driver and dragged our bags across to the front door. She knocked. We waited.

The house had been a gift, I remembered. Her father had been a servant of some description to a wealthy lord that owned countless houses in the region. When he died, he had given one of the homes as a gift to Ellie's father, alongside a generous amount of funds to pay for Ellie to have private schooling. The lord had even managed to grant her father a knighthood. It was only now, however, that Ellie explained the rest of the story. Since then, her father had busied himself accumulating wealth. He had sold their original house and invested all the funds into local businesses, some of which he owned and ran. Any profits were reinvested into growing either those businesses or a larger portfolio, until he had become a local tycoon of sorts. She explained this as we stood waiting. It did nothing but heighten my nerves.

She knocked again. There was no answer.

"Is he in?" I asked.

"He knows what time we were arriving." She then frowned and crossed the driveway towards a large, barn-like garage. She pulled open the red door. Empty. Clearly, she was looking for a car. "He's not in."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Ellie, on the other hand, looked hurt.

"I should've guessed. He's always off managing something at one of his companies." She closed the garage door again.

"Surely he has managers who work for him?"

"He likes to be hands-on, doesn't he! Even then, the more he does, the less he has to pay other people's wages. He doesn't like paying for things, my dad," she said with grim frustration, as though she had been looking for the chance to vent. "He doesn't pay gardeners." She pointed to the overgrown lawn. "He drives an old ford fiesta. God knows how rich he is in assets, but you wouldn't know it otherwise. I've only got my allowance because my mum made him promise, and I doubt Lord Rosthorn's money would've gone to my education at all, if it wasn't written into his will." She kicked at the gravel drive. I couldn't quite understand her anger.

"It's alright. It's easier to settle in while he's not here, isn't it?"

"I wanted to get it out of the way!"

"That's fine, El." I took her hand in both of mine. "It's a slight delay but I'm with you. Why don't you give me a tour?"

She eased as I rubbed across the top of her hand. With a long exhale of breath, she nodded.

.

The house interior largely fitted with the description of a man who didn't like to spend his money. There was a piano in the living room. A soft, cream carpet had been fitted that ran throughout most of the downstairs, and air-con units had been installed in almost every room. That much was a marvel. I hadn't seen air-con in a house since before my dad's bankruptcy. Apart from that, however, all the decorations and designs looked as though they had been left by the previous owner. All old, regal ornaments and faded paintings. Curiously, there was a lack of anything personal. No family photos or bookcases or...well anything. Even the TV in the living room, though 50 inches, looked old.

The corridor where we entered had an office to the left, which was kept locked, then the living room to the right. Straight ahead, the space opened out into a wide dining room that led to the kitchen, with one door out to the garden, one for a utility room. Ellie had walked straight passed the only other door without comment; a gleaming black door to the left side of the dining room.

"What's that one?" I asked, pointing back to it.

"Oh, that? Just the wine cellar. That's probably locked, too."

Upstairs was another long corridor with five doors. At the far-right end was her dad's bedroom, a large and spacious with an en-suite. Then her brother's room. "You can look inside if you want, but I'd rather not see," she said, turning away. I understood at once and followed obediently. It left a bathroom with the largest bath I had ever seen, then she led me to door at the far end. It was clearly hers, for the wordsELLEN'S ROOMwere burned into the wood above it. I was curious to see what her bedroom would be like but, instead, she opened the door just before it.

"The spare room. This will be yours," she said, walking inside. White walls, a dark wardrobe, and a grey bed set. It was blander than our dorm room had been when we first moved in. I turned to face her.

"I won't be with you?"

"Well, you're just afriend, remember? We can hardly share a bed."

Perhaps I was stupid not to think of that. I had grown accustomed to Ellie cuddling me to sleep, ever since we had pushed our beds together back at Bryner. Not sharing a bed was one thing but sleeping in an entirely different room...I thought of the nightmares I still suffered.

"Did...the boys you brought back, did they sleep in the spare room?"

I felt a little guilty asking. Her expression dropped, which I took to mean they would've shared a bed with her.Probably naked, a strange thought called out from the back of my mind.Probably fucking her all night.

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"No!" I said a little too quickly. I didn't want to cause a rift and tried my best to smile. Ellie broke into a short laugh.

"Yes, you are! You know I'm withyounow, right? You know you're my girl." She kissed my forehead. I wanted to let the point drop. I was being insecure. Dumb.

I know I'm your girl, but I want to be your boy, too.

She was grinning. "Is someone feeling all forgotten?"

I rolled my eyes. Evidently, she enjoyed the idea of seeing me jealous. The reaction made her laugh.

"Worried you'll be stuck in here all night, caged, while I'm copping off with someone just next door?"

"That's not funny!"

She patted a hand against my cage. To my own dismay, I felt my penis stirring. "Hope you don't hear through the walls, baby!" she joked. I was still stirring, though she seemed to realise she had taken it too far. She tried to stroke my hair. I pulled away.

"I'm just teasing, Leah. I'd never do that. You'll set all your stuff in this room but obviously you're gonna creep into my bed when my dad's asleep."

She tried to stroke my hair again. Reluctantly, I let her. I'd never been allowed to penetrate her. I had largely accepted it might just be something she wasn't into, but I now supposed I'd been wrong. She was into it with other boys.Properboys. What was I? I remembered again how she used to call my penis a clit.

"I'm sorry, ok? I'm just a bit nervous, having you here," she said, trying to wash away the hurt. "I won't do that again. Come see my room?"

.

It wasn't what I'd expected, though it made complete sense. The bed was slightly smaller than a double, with black bedding and a metal frame. The two back bedposts were hooped with countless hair bobbles. She had an eclectic mix of posters. Dua Lipa and The Arctic Monkeys on one wall, Muhammad Ali and an army recruitment poster on the other. The walls were dark red, though the paint job was rushed and badly done. Much of the original white could still be seen, and then there were areas where the paint looked as though it had chipped off. When I also noticed the dent in her radiator and the taped-up hole in the window, I presumed her rage was the culprit. It was a large room with a faux-fur rug covering much of the wooden floor. She had a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf filled with philosophy and spirituality, then an array of painted stones that I supposed was some form of Zen I knew nothing about. I noticed she too had a lack of family photos. All I could spot was a single digital frame that cycled instead through definitions of different philosophical or spiritual words.