Needing Leah

25: Play

Dear Mum and Dad,

I've decided to write you a letter because I think it's easier to send all my thoughts in one go, then move on, regardless of how you respond - or if you respond at all. If this letter burns all bridges, then I won't lose sleep over it. While it's directed more at you, Dad, I hold mum just as accountable. She chose to side with you throughout this.

Earlier this year you promised you would "reassess" at Christmas. Now it is Christmas and you tell me you will "reassess" at the end of the school year. This has killed any belief I had that things will ever change. You will postpone again and again, and carry on until my SLD grades have been completed. In many ways, this hurts even more than when you denied outright. By suggesting you will "reassess," you acknowledge that there is something wrong in what you have done to me. You know that and yet you persist anyway. My wellbeing is clearly not your priority. You do not see me as my own person. I am a subject to obey, to shape my life and identity around your demands; no matter if that means changing my name and gender. I must do whatever it takes to acquire whatever arbitrary qualifications make you proud.

Even then, I can never make you proud. Pride can never be an option when you do not see me as my own person. Were you proud when you saw me at Bryner? Were you proud when you saw my hair? Would you have been proud to see my school uniform or makeup, or any of the things I've had to do this year? You ask for my perseverance yet recoil at the reality of what that means for your SON. In trying to make you proud, all I can achieve is to validate your terrible parenting. My life is worth more than your validation.

You have never truly explained what you did. You had a friend of a friend who owed you a favour, and so they altered all my records? I sent off for my birth certificate. It states I was born a girl named Leah Weber. Did you ask for them to change this much of my records? What did it cost? I do not believe someone went to these lengths simply as a favour to you. I do not even believe you requested them to change that much. I cannot see any practical reason you would deem it necessary.

I then also ask myself, why make me Leah Weber? If so much of my records could be changed, why not make me a different Liam Weber? Still a boy but one who fits the categories needed at other schools to secure their scholarships? Why did it have to be Bryner? Why a school for girls? I know you didn't want me to be a girl. That much was obvious from your disgust when we met...so why let it happen?

You have also refused to explain the plan to change my records back after my studies are completed. Is there even a plan? What assurances do you have? I have repeatedly called and messaged you for answers. Since you refuse to tell me, I can only conclude there is no plan, and you are deluded enough to hope otherwise. It drains me every time I contact and, since you have given nothing in response, it is easier now to shut you out.

I'm going to drop out of Bryner. Yes, even if I have to get a job as "Leah." I will never get the sacred education you always wanted and if that lands me with the shittest dead-end job possible, then it will be your fault. I hope I can achieve better but, if I do, it will be despite you. If I end up broke or dead, then think on how you learned nothing from the death of your brother Lars.

If you care at all about me, you will respond with an apology and you will do everything you can to change my records back. Anything less, and I am done with you both. A week from now, I will change my number. I will give you no new address. I will never contact. If I need support, then I will seek out the few friends I've made. Though, for all you'll know, I will die alone and homeless. I hope that fear haunts you until the end of your days.

Fuck you both. This is the end.

.

Ellie read it over for a third time. I had already read it back and edited it five times before handing it to her. I could tell from how long it was taking Ellie to respond, that the letter upset her. I waited patiently.

"So, you do mean to leave, then?"

It wasn't a surprise. In our time together, we had talked often about me leaving Bryner. Ellie had encouraged me to explore escape options but, somehow with Anna and Miss Daphne to contend with, it had never quite gotten our full focus. My letter was confirmation of the thing she'd secretly been hoping I might change my mind on.

"We've always known there'd be an end point, El."

"Yeah, but straight up dropping out? Don't you want a plan in place? You can't just become homeless."

I didn't truly imagine that was going to happen, but then maybe that was wishful? Maybe that was the perspective of my privileged upbringing? I remembered the vague images of all the homeless people I had ever seen. Some of them must've been the same age as me. Had any simply ended up on the streets because they had left home, or dropped out? Did they fill themselves with hope of discovering a better life around the corner, only for reality to flatten them? I squirmed at the thought, sitting on Ellie's bed whilst she gazed at me from her desk chair.What if all it takes is for your home life to feel infinitely worse than the uncertain alternative or braving the streets?Either way, I wasn't completely unprepared.

"There's a hostel in Otter's Drift. I can stay there and visit you at the weekends, until you finish your grades."

"What if they don't have space?"

"I'll find a different hostel."

She paused, like I wasn't taking the question seriously.

"Oh come on, Ellie! I'm not gonna be able to transfer anywhere else. Not on a scholarship! The whole reason I ended up at Bryner was because nowhere else could take me. State schools don't have the funding for SLD programmes, either. If I applied for university, I'd have to wait until next September to start."

"Miss Anderton said she could do something to help you, though? She said she might have a plan."

I scoffed. Miss Anderton didn't know half of my situation. "The problem goes deeper than transferring now, anyway. My birth certificate says I'm a girl. Changing school won't change my gender back."

"You should be contacting local councils," Ellie continued. "Applying for housing, benefits, whatever it is people are supposed to do."

Neither of us knew what people were supposed to do in such situations, but I knew my chances there were slim. "I'm not from this country, Ellie. I don't even have proper records. I start applying for government schemes and they realise they've been altered, I'll be deported, at the very best. More likely, I'll be arrested for identity fraud. Living in a hostel would be way better than prison." I leant forward to take her hands in mine. "You can't protect me from this."

Nothing could protect me. The grim reality was that hiding away in Bryner had changed nothing. Even for its few positives, none of them were going to last. School accommodation was temporary. I would either siphon away the last of my freedom, doing as my dad commanded, until likely having to return to live with him; or strike out and find my own place in the world. Ellie's face drooped into something mournful.

"I guess I'll have the dorm room to myself after Christmas, then?" she said bleakly.

"I guess."

"When are you going to do it?"

I shrugged. "I'll come back to Bryner first. Half my stuff's there and I'll probably have to sign some sort of papers."

"When are you sending this letter?" She said, holding it up again. I hesitated.

"After Christmas."

"You don't want to post it now?"

"Kind of," I admitted. "But if your dad is back on the 23rd, then tomorrow is our last day on our own. I just wanna do something fun for a bit."

I expected Ellie to argue. Instead, a grin began to grow on her face. The kind of grin that meant I was in for something bad.

"Well, I did have an idea about that..."

.

Maybe the fact I'd be leaving motivated Ellie to experiment as much as possible. Maybe she just wanted as immersive a distraction as possible, to ease her own dour mood. Either way, I got to see some of what had filled her large travel case. It was...not what I expected. Nonetheless, we were miles away from anyone. I was unlikely to get a chance like this ever again. Why not give it a go?

.

"Who's a good pup?" she said, bending down towards my face.

"Uhh, me?"

She pinched my cheek and gave it a shake. "Pets don't speak. They bark or whine or whimper. Any more of that, and I'll have to gag you. "Who's a good pup?"

I gave my best bark, wondering how stupid it sounded. It couldn't sound any stupider than I looked. My hands had been balled into fists and then secured beneath some form of latex glove, designed to turn my hands into paws. Thick, leather restraints bound the bottom half of my legs to each thigh, so that I was able to walk only on my knees, now padded beneath cushioned leather. A harness was attached around my torso. A collar around my neck. A buttplug filled me, it's base extending outwards to form a wagging tail. I was entirely naked and, in contrast to all the other restraints, she had released me from the chastity cage.

"Good girl!" she exclaimed, in a babyish voice. "Now, you're gonna be my pet all day, so if you need a pee or you get hungry, you'll have to communicate it, ok?"

"How?" I asked, which was a mistake.

"I warned you'd be gagged if you spoke again. Because we're only just starting, I'll be generous and make it a bridle gag for now." She locked a black, plastic bridle into my mouth.

"You communicate your needs and feelings as best a puppy can. Bark, whine, use body language but no humanlike gestures. If you're good, I'll take the gag off and you'll be able to get treats. If you're bad, I'll punish you. Understood?"

I nodded, which made her glare. Clearly, this was too human a response, so I barked.

"Good. Now, are you a good girl or a good boy today?"

I thought about that. She'd unlocked my chastity cage, for which my penis was already erect beneath my body. It made me feel more male, though I wasn't sure how to communicate it. I tried raising my right paw, then barked, to no success. Ellie looked amused by the attempt. She stood wearing tights beneath a long black skirt and a black coat over a white top.

"What are you trying to say, pup?" she grinned. I barked again, then rose upon what I supposed was my hind legs. I wiggled my body to make my hardened penis shake as best it could.

"Does that mean boy?"

I barked. It still sounded nothing like a bark, made even harder by the gag, but she laughed and nodded.

"Good boy, then. Let's go for a quick walk."

I obliged. It was hard to walk on my bound legs, and the rocking of the tail shook the plug within me. My penis was so rigid, it barely shook at all as I began a difficult, slow journey down the staircase. She let me take my time, then congratulated me when we reached the bottom. I was expecting a short walk around the house, just to orient me to crawling and to show off her position of power. What I did not expect was her to lead me back through the house towards the French doors at the end of the kitchen. She opened them. She stepped out into the garden, then tugged on my leash.

What. The. Fuck?

She can't seriously want to take me outside?

I stared up at her, waiting for the trick. Waiting for that devilish grin or a laugh, or something to show this was simply a test.

"C'mon boy. Come to Ellie."

Slowly, I crawled forwards. It had to be a test, surely? As soon as I took one step outdoors, she would congratulate my obedience and then lead me back inside. I crept towards the fringe, waiting for the test to be over. I put my hands out, then my head. Half my body. Still, she was beckoning me on.

"C'mon. Almost there! No, no, no, don't whine. Come to me."

The final two steps. I left the safety of the kitchen completely and then...SLAM. She shut the doors behind me and locked them. I let out a yelp of fear. Pathetic as it was, I pawed at her leg.

"No, boy. You're not going back inside until we've finished out here. Don't even try pushing me."

I yelped again. I whined. She found it amusing at first, then became stern.

"Quiet. Keep pushing and I won't let you back in at all."

A gust of wind rose through the air and tickled my bare skin.Fuck.My pleading eyes left hers as I wheeled around, wildly surveying the scene. It was...somewhat safe? The garden was walled and there we no neighbours who might have a view in. However, the walls didn't fully enclose the garden. To the left and right of the house, there was wide open space where the garden connected to the drive. What would happen if someone visited the house? Her dad wasn't due back for another day, but what if he came early? What if a postman came, or some business associate looking for her father. They'd only have to walk halfway up the drive and they'd have a decent view of the garden. I'd be seen. A naked, gagged man. A tail protruding from my butt, restraints around my legs, and a leash around my neck. I looked to Ellie again, pleading for an explanation.

"All good pups need training," she said bluntly. "Littertraining. When you need a pee, this is where you have to go."

I gave a bark then turned towards the door again. She yanked hard on the leash, almost toppling me to my side.

"Explaining something to you is not the same as training you to obey. So, we're not going back inside until you've relieved yourself. And not here, skulking by the walls of the house. You have to go out in the middle of the lawn."

Fuck off am I doing that!I stared at her. No smirk, no humour. She meant it.

"Go on, boy."

I didn't even need to pee. I had gone first thing when I woke up this morning. Had I even drank anything at all since last night? I tried my best to find a way to convey this fact without speaking but it was hopeless. The effort frustrated me. There were just some things I couldn't express anymore. She yanked on my leash again.

"Come on!"

I whined again. I pawed at her leg. It annoyed her now, to the point she gave my bare cheeks a hard slap. The cold air made it hurt more than usual.

"You obey! If you don't like being out here, you should hurry up and get it over with."

I surveyed the garden again. It was freezing. The grass was wet with dew that could've almost been frost. Just how long could I endure out here? She tugged at my leash again. I began to move, feeling the grass tickle against my skin, some of it against my hardened penis. I'd never felt so exposed in all of my life. She led me to the centre, then tied my leash around metal post of a washing line.

"Pee."

I don't know what felt more pathetic; the fact I was being asked to pee on command, or the fact I couldn't even manage it. My bladder was trained to be positioned above a toilet. The transition I'd made from peeing whilst standing up, to sitting down like a girl; that had been simple enough...but this was different. I'd never once peed whilst knelt on the floor, let alone positioned with one leg raised like a dog. I couldn't seem to make it happen. When Ellie grew impatient, she spanked me.

"Bad pup! I gave you an order. I mean it. You're staying out here until you obey."

Spanking didn't help. I just grew more erect, which made it even more difficult. I closed my eyes, trying to will the erection away. She spanked me again, though. Pulled me hair, shouted commands into my ear. None of it was helping and I was barely able to even convey that fact to her. The best I could do was growl, which just made her laugh.

"You better not be getting feisty!"

I tried again to pee, lifting my leg to signal my efforts. Focusing all my thoughts on the letter I'd written, I just about managed to ease my erection, when suddenly Ellie lost patience again. This time it was worse. I felt something hard and lubricated press itself against my exposed cheeks.

"If you don't obey in the next 30 seconds, I'm going to remove your tail and fuck you."

It was such an absurd statement in such a pressured environment that I couldn't help laugh. That was a mistake. It was too human a response for her liking. She punished me by waving the 30 second delay. I felt the plug release from my anus. From beneath her skirt, came a large strap-on. I gasped as it entered.

"You like that?"

No! No, not now!I howled and yelped and did my best to beg her to stop. Of course, on almost every level I enjoyed it, but how could I ever pee whilst being fucked? She began thrusting. I felt my butt bounce against her. I felt her weigh down against my back. I was growing erect again.

No, no, no!

It didn't take long for her to increase the force of her thrusts. I had to wrap my arms around the post to steady myself. Still, I was whining, pleading...then moaning. What was I going to do? If I spoke, I'd be punished for it. I dreaded the thought of being locked outside. My heart was beating hard. My skin was reddening from the cold; and all the while my body was giving way to the pleasure. I couldn't afford to. I would regret it, if I was outside too long. I tried crawling away from her, but the leash prevented me from moving far. She spanked me for disrupting her rhythm. Only then did escape come, and in the most unlikely form. Her phone began to ring.

"Hello?" she said into it. "No. No, I'm not."

As best I could tell, it was a cold caller, though I couldn't ask and she saw no reason to explain to a puppy. It had distracted her enough to reevaluate, though. There was a flicker of something that might've been guilt. It made me want to hug her. Slowly, she reinserted my tail, then said.

"I'm going to sit patiently on the bench over there. You'll stay put until you've been good."

.

Who's to say how long it took me? It was a kindness that she withdrew the distractions. When I managed to get a weak stream going, I barked to alert her attention. It was a pathetic little trickle, and yet I felt stupidly proud of myself. Was that how easily I had caved into the reality of today's play? What that how desperate I was for approval? She patted my head, then untied the leash and led me back inside.

"Good boy! You've been very good!"

My God, I needed that praise. It warmed me, even more than the warm towel she rubbed me with as a treat. I was even allowed to settle by the kitchen radiator whilst she disappeared into the living room. I waited for her to return, noticing the food and water bowls positioned in the corner of the kitchen. When I didn't hear her coming, I made to try and drink, which was difficult with a bridle gag. I felt like I spilt more than I consumed. I made a bodged attempt to dry my face with my paws, then dry the floor where it had splashed. Would she punish me if she noticed? She didn't notice. She still hadn't returned.

I waited another few minutes. I couldn't even hear her moving. What was she doing in the living room? Preparing some kind of elaborate game? She had packed a ridiculously large travel case, after all. Tentatively, I crept towards the living room. I peered through the door. She was...she's...

Fucking reading?

She was lounged out on the sofa, a book propped open against her chest. The sight baffled me. I had been given no instructions, no indication of anything at all. She wasn't so much as glancing at me. Nor was she evenpretendingto read in an effort to tease me; she was genuinely absorbed, turning page after page with full focus.

I barked. She glanced at me for only a second before returning to her book.