Needing Leah

The Story So Far:

18-year-old Liam Weber was enrolled in a girls-only school for reasons he is still getting to the bottom of. Forced to dress as "Leah" he has been adjusting to school life, exploring gender identity, and settling into a blossoming relationship with his domineering roommate Ellie. Volume 3 has seen the two of them visit Ellie's home for the Christmas holiday and the last chapter saw Leah confronting Ellie's dad about his treatment towards her. The chapter ended with him inviting Ellie out for a long walk and a difficult discussion.

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30: Hjalmar's Hut

After some persuasion, Ellie herself agreed to write the following account of the walk with her father on the condition that I edit the quality of her writing.

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Ellie:

Leah looked worried when she realised what I was about to do. She often had a way of leaning back slightly and clasping her hands together, as though physically trying to appear calm. I knew she was panicking whenever she pulled that stance. Add to that, the lost-kitten expression in her eyes. She wanted to object. She was buzzing with the need to do so, and yet, I had made her promise to follow my lead. I told her to stay behind because it would easier without her. I had no idea what conversation was about to follow, but I knew it might bring up things I'd rather she didn't hear.

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We took the walk along the Bour river. It was an unlit and muddy walk, not suited for the evening, however he'd clearly chosen it because it was Danny's favourite. Half a mile down the river, then left up a forest path; led to the spot often calledHjalmar's Hut.A giant mound of rocks stacked into a shape a little like a house. Danny used to enjoy sitting on it and pretending to be a Viking. I hadn't gone back there in years. I didn't want to. Even now, when my father and I were about to have a huge talk; everything was still somehow about Dan.

"That girl of yours looks like a streak of piss," he said, breaking the silence.

"You were complimenting her enough to begin with."

"Well, she's not fat like you. Hardly makes her athletic, though."

Goading. I had expected it and was determined to not to rise to the bait. I waited in silence for him to continue.

"Still, she's tougher than I'd thought. I presume she told you about our morning chat?"

"You tried to bribe her. You didn't honestly think that would work?"

"It has before. That lad with the squashed nose."

"It never worked, dad. Dean didn't dump me because of you."

"Dean..." he said with a derisive chuckle, as though remembering. "Just as well. He only wanted your body, you knew that."

The comment made me shudder, thinking back to the summer Dean had stayed here. Night after night, he had pressed to share my bed, but there was no way I could've let him find out about my night problems. As a compromise, I'd gone to him in the spare room, hoping if we just had sex, he'd ease up. When I hadn't managed to go through with even that...his words still rang in my ears.You frigid bitch.The fact my dad then went and gave him a bribe he didn't need had just been the icing on the cake to my worst ever breakup. I wondered how the hell Leah had dealt with his bullshit that morning. Had she lost her temper with him? Had it actually worked? When this was the most he'd spoken to me in days, I daren't risk doing the same.

"You can't make me dump Leah. Denying us food, embarrassing me to the point of oblivion. None of it's worked. She's not given up on me. We're sticking together."

"She's a girl, Ellen. Don't be ridiculous."

Even with only the stars above for light, I saw him glancing at me from the side with a look of disapproval. "Are you gay now, is that it?"

"Dad..."

"One of those raging bisexuals?"

"Raging?"

"I've heard about them. Hump anything that moves. What was that show you liked? Torchwood?"

"Dad..."

"You know she came back here with a lad on new year's eve? Walked her back to the house, I saw them outside. Did you know that?"

"Yes, I knew. We got separated and he was kind enough to guide her home."

"Can't even keep order over your woman. Though that's no surprise with you. Can barely control yourself, let alone-"

"Dad!" I shouted. It took all of my willpower to prevent myself going further. Even such a small outburst had made him grin.

"That same old temper, I see," he said. "You were expelled from your last school, Ellen. You savaged that girl with a bat, simply for mocking you. They all thought my daughter was a psycho."

"She locked me in the sports cupboard."

The trickle of the stream was growing louder, beside us. The floor was getting muddier, and the only wellies I'd been able to find were an old, smaller pair of Dan's.

"Do you remember what I said when I moved you to Bryner? No more outbursts. You were to keep your head, study hard, and learn some discipline."

"I know, daddy. I have."

He came to sudden halt, rounding on me with his sharp eyes. "Have you?"

I knew that expression. He was laying a trap for me to walk into. My throat tightened. I found myself fretting at the thought of vomiting.

"Y-you know," I stammered.

"Yes, of course I know! The school notified me immediately. Brawling in a Spanish lesson. Giving a student a concussion!"

"It wasn't like that!"

"I eased off when you went to Bryner. You promised me that if I gave you space, you'd finally knuckle down. Perhaps, had you done so, I would've been more lenient about Leah. I'm not a brute, Ellen. I want you to succeed. I'm not sure you want the same."

With a sinking in my heart, I realised he was right. I had come close to killing Danielle. Accident or not, I hadn't cared at the time. I'd felt she deserved it. I'd half-wished she had died. I lowered my eyes to ground. It was a weak relief to realise he didn't know about my second fight with Anna and Jojo.

"I'd like some honesty. Is my daughter gay?" he threw the question at me like it was a shuriken. Immediately, I wanted to tell him to fuck off...but I was in a relationship with Leah. It was always going to be something he'd press me about at some point. If only I knew how to answer...

"I'm not sure," I said.

"So, this could all just be a whim?"

"No, it's not. I definitely like girls," I said, though I'd never been with a girl. I'd never truly thought about them until Leah and the fact he was actually Liam, made it impossible to know what I felt. Did I even like boys? Nothing more than their fingers had ever entered me. With emetophobia, it was unsurprising the most my mouth had ever managed was to lick the tip of Leah's penis. My vagina, though? My arse? I always seemed to freak out at the last moment. I must want it onsomelevel, though. Several times I had dreamt of Leah fucking me or sucking her off. At the very least, I wanted to know what it was like. I realised then my father was still waiting for an answer. I opted for deflection.

"Want me to describe in detail all the things Leah and I have done together?"

He glared but began walking again.

"Convince me Leah is good for your success. If I can believe that, I will tolerate her. Otherwise, locking the kitchen will be the worst of your troubles. I will schedule a meeting with your headmistress, too. I imagine she could ensure you're moved to separate classes from Leah and a separate dormitory. Perhaps we'll even have you transferred."

"No!" I wasn't sure if he could even do that, but I didn't want to risk finding out. Without Leah, school would probably destroy me. I knew the effect isolation had. Even with Leah, there had been times I'd locked myself in the dark of the bathroom. I was still desperately hoping she wouldn't drop out, but transferring me away from her would've been even worse.

"Then convince me."

We had reached the turning off point. To the left, the ground ascended steeply through woodland. Once upon a time, I had pushed Danny up it on his bike. It was only in death, dad started idolising him. So many times, my brother had come to me with problems just like this. Dad pushing him too hard, wanting proof of results. I couldn't bear to go over the same old arguments again. What had Leah done? She'd given him the letter from the cellar, I remembered. Appealing to the past must've had some effect, otherwise he wouldn't have been willing to hear me out at all. I tried to follow her example.

"Do you know why I don't like being called Ellen anymore? It's because every time I hear it, I think of your voice, calling it through the cellar door, and I get a shiver up my spine. Only you ever call me Ellen."

"Your mother gave you that name."

"Well she didn't use it. I was alwaysMissyto her. I'm not the girl you want me to be, dad. I didn't stop curtsying you as an insult, I stopped because I realised it was hopeless. Nothing ever earned your approval and playing the cute innocent girl was going to work less and less, the older I got. That was the only thing you ever loved about me. Ever since I've grown up, I'm either a bad contrast to Dan or a failure of a student or else I just..."

I felt tears welling. Under the darkness of the trees, I wiped them away, hoping he didn't see.

"Else I remind you too much of mum. I can't help looking like her. Please don't compare me to them."

His face was obscured in shadow. When he didn't say anything, I took a deep breath and tried again.

"When she died, you weren't the only one who was hurt. And Dan dying tore me up, just as much as you. There were times I shut myself in the cellar, do you know? For so much of my life, I've been miserable, dad. Not with Leah, though. She loves me for who I am, regardless of anything I ever do. She never stops loving me and I haven't felt that from anyone since mum. I don't know if she's good for mysuccessor not, but she makes me happy. Isn't that enough? Isn't that more important?"

"Happiness is a tightrope act," he began, in one of his sickeningly self-righteous turns of phrase. I cut him off.

"Why is it impossible for you to just be happy for me? For anything I do? I'm sorry I'm not better but...I'm all you've got, now. Please don't push me away."

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Leah:

I waited in terror for her to return. I hoped like anything, she would fight back. As bad as my parents had been, it was nothing compared to the cruelty her father had put her through over the years. As a result, it took me by complete surprise when I saw them stumping up to the kitchen door from the back garden. They were both smiling.

"Are you ok?" I asked, wrapping her with a hug that she only half-accepted. Her smile was genuine and yet there was also something stiff about her.

"Dad and I are going to watch some TV. We wondered if you'd like to join?"

We wondered?I didn't know what to make of that phrase. I lost my chance to respond as her dad kicked off his wellies and entered.

"Do you know anything about football, Leah?"

"Oh. Err, yes."

"You do?" He sounded surprised. He began opening the cupboards and pulling out snacks as well as bowls to prepare them in.

"She's a Dortmund fan, dad."

"Fan?" He sounded even more surprised.

"Go and fetch your Lewanski top, girl," Ellie said and I experienced the strange circumstance of saying the exact same thing as her father at the exact same time.

"It's Lewandowski."

He started to laugh. When I looked confused at the situation, he laughed again.

"We're alright, Leah. We had a big talk, Ellen and I. Leeds are playing Leicester in ten minutes. I'm sure we can get along like a house on fire."

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The whole thing was surreal. We sat down in the living room, me and Ellie in a two-seater sofa while he sat in an armchair to her right. The coffee table before us was laden with crisps, biscuits, and even a few cans of beer. Ellie drank one and made a point of encouraging me to do the same, as though it would earn her father's approval. As though I even wanted his approval.

She hadn't been given a chance to explain what was happening, though I clocked on pretty quickly. The two of them were making a big effort to be friendly. She was calling himDaddyagain. She was cheering or groaning at Leeds' every success or defeat on the pitch despite her lack of real interest. She was bigging me up with any opportunity she could, mostly football-related. As a result, he had begun testing my knowledge. Whilst I knew little about Leeds specifically, he was pleased to discover I was a genuine football fan. Much of the conversation then became a back and forth between us. Who I thought would win the league. What I thought about Arsenal in 11thand Chelsea in 8th. If, as a Dortmund fan, I wanted Klopp's Liverpool to win. It reminded me of every football match I'd watched with my own dad, where Ellie was playing a role similar to my mother's; chipping in questions to try and learn or making a point of showing when she understood something. Similarly, I got the distinct impression he was having the exact kind of conversations with me that he would've once had with Danny, and his eagerness to do so revealed just how much he'd missed it. It was strange to see that side to him: loneliness. I remembered again how he had stared at the photos on Danny in his untouched bedroom. Even so, I felt no pity, and his friendliness would do nothing to soften my dislike. His loneliness only made him more at fault for not connecting with Ellie before. I suggested as much when he dipped out for the toilet at half-time.

"He's making an effort, though," she said.

"Is he? He's still mocked you several times. Am I supposed to warm to him just because he's smiling?"

"He's accepted that we're dating. He's accepted my sexuality."

"Ellie, I'm not a girl!"

"Yes, but he doesn't know that yet. The point is, he's accepted you. Rather than kicking up a fuss about our shared dorm at Bryner, he's trying to get along."

I wasn't convinced. "You said he's gone through phases of being nice before. It doesn't mean he's changed." Ellie sharpened at that but I was feeling too wound up to relent. I had waited in panic the whole time they'd been out walking, fearing it might've been a trick, that he was going to rip into her...and then I was supposed to just talk football and act friendly? "You don't need his approval, El. I thought we'd been through this."

It made her snap.

"What do you want me to? Burn all bridges, knowing I'd probably burn myself in the process? I notice you still haven't sent that letter to your parents."

"So?"

"So, do youreallywant to? As brave as it'd be to cut them off, you'd never be able to get their help with anything again, unless it meant crawling back in submission. I'll never be close to my dad. I'm not submitting to him, alright? Staying friendly even protects me from having to do that because, regardless of the future, I depend on him right now."

"But-"

"I depend on him, Leah. I fucking hate it but I do. The fact he's trying to be nice is as good a victory as I can get for the moment."

I wanted to argue. He was an abusive piece of shit. Neither of us should have to settle for our parents, just because it was easier. In the time it took me to think through a response, I heard the toilet flush from across the corridor. I opened my mouth but, before anything could come out, Ellie had pressed her lips to it and held me in a tender kiss. Even as the footsteps approached, she wrapped her arms around me to make sure I didn't stop.

"Charming behaviour," I heard him say beside me with obvious sarcasm. Rather than stop, Ellie carried on and simply raised her middle finger in his direction. He chuckled.

"You know, when I first met your mother, she was terrified of doing anything at all romantic in front of her parents, even holding hands. One evening we were having dinner with them, and I'd gotten so fed up, I said to her mother.I'm sorry but Lynn here becomes shy to all affection when we're in your presence. Do you think you'd mind if I skipped dessert and just kissed her instead?I didn't wait for a response. They seemed to like me more after that." He sat down in his armchair again, taking a can of beer with him. "Leeds should win now. I'm guessing 3-1."

We'd stopped kissing. Ellie was smiling at me with an expression torn between smugness, as though she had been proven right, and an almost shy sense of pride. I remembered how nervous she'd been on the first day back here. This was what she'd wanted most of all; to bring me home, to show off hergirlfriend, and for her dad to accept it. I couldn't stay mad, seeing just how happy it made her. I stretched my arm around her shoulder, then pulled her back until she was half-lying on top of me, cuddled up while we watched TV. Her dad was no less of an arse. In fact, if he was so capable of being amicable now, it only made it worse that he had refused to do so in the past. All the same, Ellie was happy. Maybe she was right? I wondered then if that made her right about my parents, too. She was correct at least that I'd been hesitant to send the letter.

Would it be a weakness, not to? Would it be submission?

The game did finish 3-1. Her father celebrated with more warmth than I'd seen him show the entire holiday, even hugging Ellie. I realised that made her happy, too.

I don't want to fight. I just want him to love me back.

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We had our bath late that night, then cuddled up in bed together. So many days, I had come to notice different bedding in her room however, since New Year's Eve, it had remained the same, dark-green sheet. I'd never commented on it but took it as a sign she felt more comfortable having me here, despite how vulnerable she'd often been. I watched her sleeping peacefully, whilst I scrolled again through the email from the private eye. Ellie and I had discussed it briefly, but when he was charging so much more than we could afford, there wasn't much to say. £1000. Even if I found a job immediately after dropping out, it would take forever to save up that much if I had to pay rent somewhere, too, let alone food and utilities. Ellie was probably right that I couldn't bank on a hostel. Even more so, the £1000 was only a preliminary cost to see if a deeper investigation would be feasible. He might not be able to find enough information; the kind of information only my dad would know. Wondering, if I could ever stomach to meet my parents again, I started reading through the email from Miss Anderton instead. I noticed then that Ellie's eyes were open.

"You ok, baby?" she said, looking at me.

"Yeah. Just...do you think I'm stupid?"

"What?" She sat up and pulled her hair out of her face. "You're the smart one, Leah. I'm barely scraping through my grades."

"The letter. Do you think I'd be stupid to send it? If I don't, I keep feeling like I'd be giving in. Like it'd mean I haven't gotten anywhere. I don't wanna have fought Anna and won, only to give up fighting everything else."

Ellie smiled empathetically and put a hand to my cheek. "You don't need toget anywhere, honey. There isn't a right and wrong. Sometimes progress means not going anywhere at all."

"Is that what you think? I should do nothing and wait?"

She shook her head. "I think you should do whatever feels right, but you've stalled on sending that letter. That must be for a reason. I couldn't go through with smashing up the cellar, even when I wanted to. Did that mean I was regressing?"

"No," I admitted, though my situation was different. I felt trapped either way. If I cut them off and the ultimatum didn't work, I might never be able to change my records back. If I didn't cut them off, I might have to stay at Bryner. Liam was starting to feel like a very distant shadow. I sighed.