Needing Leah

The Story so far:

Last chapter saw Leah confronting Ellie about the marks on her cheeks. Their relationship was threatened when Leah challenged the idea that Ellie isn't a good person. An enraged Ellie almost ignored Leah's used of the safe word.

.

17: Breaking Limbo

Most of the next week passed slowly in much the same way my next session with Roisin passed: an agonising wait. I didn't want to talk and she didn't push me. I watched the clock whilst she watched my face...then displayed a worrying ability for mind-reading.

"I get the sense this silence is about more than nerves. That there are things you'd like to talk about but also don't know how, and worry where it would lead." She said, waiting until there were ten minutes left of the session before speaking. "This space isn't just about things that trouble you, Leah. You can also talk about your passions or your positives. They matter, too."

That opened me up just enough for small talk about my interest in football. I suppose it was something. Would Ellie be proud of that?

Would she be proud I was keeping up with my school work and homework? Partly, that was because Ellie kept encouraging me to, and partly because herdistractionshad eased. There wasn't much teasing or punishment to occupy us at all. After our last encounter, she became hesitant to show any force. When she did try, a guilt welled up, and then shame led her to withdraw. Our games had often been a means to avoid anxiety. Without them, the anxiety spiked. Truth be told, I was hesitant about sex anyway. Ellie had scared me before. I wanted to try again but also struggled to. At the same time, I didn't want to show my hesitancy, for fear it might compound Ellie's guilt. We found ourselves in a strange limbo. Wanting sex but not embracing it. Sometimes I asked for her permission to do things, as had been the set up before. It felt awkward now, though. When I didn't ask permission, she never commented. Ellie had even offered to unlock my chastity cage several times but I persevered. It was hard to say why because I definitely wanted the freedom. Somehow, that would've felt like giving up on sex. The chastity game would've withered away without any meaningful conclusion. When we'd already become hesitant and awkward, I didn't want to make it worse. The embers of our attraction needed to be stoked again, not stamped out. There is no limbo quite like chastity, I supposed. Ellie would talk about my release, sometimes taunt me about it, but it was all vague talk. An Agonising wait. Suspense without the thrill. Something would kick us into gear again, I kept hoping.Something.

.

The worst of the many agonising waits had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with myplan. In truth, it wasn't yet a plan, so much as a flimsy aim. I knew what I wanted now: seeing Ellie's marks gave me a burning determination for what I wanted...I just didn't know how to achieve it. I was waiting for an opportunity to provide the means.Revenge.

Was that a stupid idea? I was fed up with feeling like a victim. Anna had previously made me feel too worthless to do anything, but now? Miss Daphne had hurt Ellie; all of it because of me. Somehow, that fact flipped something from within my soul. I wanted revenge, or perhaps justice, or both. For what Miss Daphne had done to Ellie, for what Anna had done to me, for everything. I couldn't report them, of course. Ellie had said a flat no to the idea of reporting Miss Daphne, and reporting Anna would risk exposing my own fraud...but surely I could do something else?

It couldn't be a shallow revenge. It had to be absolute, or else they might retaliate. Anna needed expelling and Miss Daphne needed suspending or firing from Bryner. It was far-fetched but having an aim was better than having nothing. Where my anxiety had spiked, anger and revenge became a means to channel some of it. Grit.A Man would persevere, my dad had told me. All I needed was a clear plan. The first possible hopes came at Wednesday lunchtime.

.

We were eating lunch on the field before the main building. It was nice weather, so Ellie had snuck our meals out of the canteen in several boxes of tupperware. A feast of chicken korma, rogan josh, onion bahjis, naan bread, rice, and Bombay potato. Kiara said she would join us but didn't appear. We had told her earlier about my encounter with her boyfriend James. Ever since, she had seemed distant.

"It's nothing." Ellie reassured me. "She didn't believe you, anyway. She thought you just misunderstood the situation and blamed it on your anxiety."

"She blamed it on my anxiety?" I hadn't been aware of that. I hated being judged for it.

"Well, not exactly. You could tell she was thinking it, though. If she's been distant, it's probably something else. It's not like she's ever a warm sort of person."

"She is to you." I said. Kiara was my classmate, but I knew she preferred Ellie. Ellie had more humour. Ellie showed more passion. Ellie came with less visible hangups.

"I'm not the one who kissed Jess." Ellie said with a teasing grin. She put aside her food, to boop me gently on the lips. "Was it all romantic with the candles? Were there rose petals in the bath? You've never been romantic with me."

"You don't want romance. You want obedience."

Ellie laughed, then tried to look offended. "Try it sometime. Maybe if I come back to rose petals, I'll unlock you for a while. Maybe we'll have the kind of sweet, romantic sex you always wanted?"

Now she was teasing. I still wanted to fuck Ellie as Liam, but I had also stopped hoping for it. She had never made her feelings about it entirely clear, probably because she enjoyed keeping me in the lurch. At the moment, flirtatious comments seemed to be as far as anything would go between us. I tried to think of something equally flirty to reply with. In my pause, I saw that same guilt welling in her eyes again. The memory that she had hurt me. Before I could even respond, we were interrupted by a crowd of girls running across the field.

"Subrosa's messaged! Subrosa!" A girl from the year above named Maple was shouting. Excited giggles and gossip followed her as people hurried to check their phones or discuss the news. Both Ellie and I went to our phones. As was often the case, she treated it as a competitive race, and celebrated when she got to the school group chat first. Her smile turned to a gasp as she read.

"Fuck. It's about Jojo!"

"What does it say?"

She took a moment to read it. Her shocked expression faded into a somewhat into a conciliatory shrug. "She's outed Jojo as a member of the Bryner Club."

Whoever the anonymous user Subrosa was, almost all of the details she spilled about people's lives at Bryner were scandalous. She rarely messaged but when she did, it was always something big. She had brought the news that had thrown Fred the Gardener's career into question. She had damaged Kiara's reputation in her third year by revealing that she used to wet the bed. Outing a member of the secretive Bryner Club felt tame. Was that the best to be found about Jojo? It disheartened me.

"Clearly Subrosa doesn't know about Jojo's wedgie fetish." Ellie concluded, then scratched her head in thought. "I suppose that means Jess can't be Subrosa, then?"

That was true. Jess had been the one to tell us that in the first place. Who Subrosa was didn't bother me. No doubt, it was a student from another year group we didn't even know.HowSubrosa gathered her secrets, however. That was starting to interest me greatly...

.

"I suppose it means Jojo will be kicked out of the club." Ellie continued. "That's their one rule, right? No one is supposed to know who the members are, other than the members themselves."

"I guess." I had stopped listening. I smoothed out the folds in my skirt. It had become a habit when I was deep in thought.

Subrosa has caused huge scandals in the past.She had caused a student to be expelled, I was sure I had heard that.She almost cost Fred the Gardener his job, too. Could I do something similar?

I wasn't Subrosa. If no one had figured out her identity in three years, there was little chance I would. Nonetheless, scandals carried power. I couldn't report what Anna had done to me, but what if she had done other things, too? What if I could find that out?

How could I possibly find out?

Ellie was still talking about the Bryner club. "I wonder if that means someone will be recruited in her place?"

Would they? Was that my chance? If Jojo was in the Bryner club, there was a high chance Anna would be, too.What better way to find someone's secrets than joining their secretive club?It wasn't too mad a plan. There was some sense to it....wasn't there?

.

"It's an insane plan!" Ellie declared when I told her. She paced around the bedroom fretting."There's so many things wrong with it. First, you're assuming there is anything scandalous to find out about Anna in the first place!"

I frowned. "She assaulted me. There's a good chance she's done the same to others."

"We don't know that. Even if she had, what does it change? You're planning to join a club so you can overhear her...what, bragging about crimes? You hope she'll mention another victim, then you'll track that person down and persuade them to report her, so you don't have to do it yourself? Not only is that all implausible, but this other imaginary person wouldn't welcome you trying to persuade them. Remember how angry you became when I tried persuading you to report it?"

I had no response. She was standing there in nothing but a black sports bra and black panties. Her cleavage pushed up. The pale skin of her flat belly and curved hips. She was becoming more confident dressing loosely around me, I realised.

"Maybe she's done other things, then. Different things that could get her expelled."

Ellie scoffed, then folded her arms. "All of this assumes Anna is even in the Bryner Club, which we don't know. It also assumes you'd be allowed to join. Everything we've heard suggests they only admit members who are incredibly wealthy. Even if you were incredibly wealthy, I can't see Anna voting to allow you to join. And if she did..." Ellie moved towards me. Took my right hand tenderly between both of hers, then squatted so she was level with my eyes.

"You'd be in an enclosed space with Anna. No teachers. No record of anything that happens in a club specifically designed to be secret. Baby, does that feel safe to you?"

I shuddered. I hadn't thought of that. Was I stupid? Was I that reckless? There was a horribly twisted flicker at the back of my mind that screamed out for the chance to be in an enclosed space with Anna again. Maybe this time, I'd hurt her? I knew how to punch. I was stronger than Anna. I wouldn't freeze up again, surely I wouldn't. Ellie was looking at me patiently. I groaned. I didn't want to give up.

"What about Jess?" I said. "She always talks about having a contacton the insideof the Bryner Club. Maybe her contact could help?"

"Jess used to be Jojo's roommate, remember? It was one of the first things she told us. She might not like Anna and Jojo but she's also careful to stay friendly with everyone. Think about it, JojoisJess' contact."

I groaned louder. Ellie was probably right about that, too. "So, we persuade Jess to find out from Jojo more secrets about..."

"Leah!" Ellie said, cutting me off. "Leah, that's not a plan. She wouldn't be expelled without hard evidence, and if Jess let slip that we'd been digging into their business..."

It was my turn to cut her off. "What's your plan?" I spat. To her credit, she didn't argue. She sighed and paced the room again, before speaking softly.

"I don't know...not for Anna or Miss Daphne. I'm sorry girl, I don't know a fix. If you come up with a good plan, I'll back you all the way, I promise...but we can't afford to take risks. It has to be watertight. We have to wait and see if a better opportunity presents itself."

"When will that be?"

"I don't know. Maybe never." She gave an empty laugh, grimacing even as it left her mouth. "God knows how many victims of assault never get anything even close to justice. We shouldn't give up but we can't pour all your energy into it when you should be looking for a way to leave Bryner."

"I'm not leaving in defeat." I said. I saw the uncomfortable look on her face at these words. "It has to mean something, Ellie. Ithasto. I can't go on feeling like the victim. The day I leave this hell, I want to leave as the winner."

Ellie paused. I could practically see the words on her lips:not everything in life has winners and losers. She didn't say it, though. She held it back. She knew I needed to try.

.

Roisin had more to say at our next session. "I tend to think there's a difference between fitting in and truly belonging." She had got me talking more, this time. I had dared to reveal a few minor troubles. "If you don't feel you fit in at Bryner, then maybe that's good? School is about figuring out who you are. If you're someone different to most, then embrace that. Being unique doesn't need to come at the cost of belonging."

"How do you belong if you don't fit in?"

She shrugged. "There's lots of possible answers: being accepted for your difference, accepting yourself for it. I could say it comes down to finding people who appreciate you, or that people shouldn't let their differences serve as a barrier to connection." She smiled kindly, then glanced at the clock. "It's too big a question to answer without knowing more about your situation. Maybe next week we can discuss further and figure out a solution together?"

Annoyingly, there was no other response I could give: "Maybe."

.

Discuss things further and figure out a solution.Right now, everything was discussions. Discussing plans with Ellie, discussing our lack of sex, discussing nonsense with a counsellor.

What the hell do I do?Either about my plan, or about my relationship with Ellie. The sun was shining when I left The Lemon Room. I was right at the far north-western end of the campus, with only the stables beside me. I leant against the wooden fence and stopped to watch one of the horses kicking a ball feeder.

We need some sort of spark.I was thinking about Ellie, now. A staff meeting had cancelled our final lessons for the day, so I agreed to meet Ellie by the stables.If domination is too fraught with guilt right now, we need something different. Something that can help us find the fun again. What the hell could that be? I was a virgin. All I knew of sex and foreplay was what Ellie had put me through. I sighed. There was a gentle breeze rippling through the grass. The ball feeder was just rolling around in circles. A voice pulled me out of my thoughts. A cold voice from behind me.

"This is where you go, then."

It wasn't Ellie's voice. It was the worst voice I could possibly hear. Fear spiked. Anna and Jojo. Their arms were folded. Jojo's checkered headscarf was tied around her wrist. Anna's smile was triumphant.

"I wondered what kept getting you out of swimming. It got me suspicious." Anna said. "Little ickle Leah's been seeing a therapist."

I scanned the field, searching for Ellie. I couldn't see her anywhere.

"Have you been telling your therapist things you shouldn't?" Anna asked with a menacing tone. I shook my head, wondering if I should run back to the lemon room. I didn't want to have to explain to Roisin. I didn't want Anna to see my fear, either. I had to force the reply from my throat.

"If I was going to report you, I would've done it by now." I couldn't quite steel my voice. "You assaulted me."

Anna laughed in disbelief, as though I had said something absurd. "All I did was hold you down. You chose to stick out your sick, little tongue. You enjoyed it."

"I didn't."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that." It was too much. To speak as though it had all been my fault. To speak as though she had done nothing. My anger outweighed my anxiety, then. I found my voice.

"I'm not going to report you, alright? I've said that. Come near me again, though. Do anything more, and I will."

Jojo laughed this time. "You're trying to make threats?"

"You should be bowing and scraping, slut." Anna said. "You think anyone would believe a word you said anyway?" Both of them laughed together. A laugh designed to make me feel as small and weak as possible. It wormed its way into my mind, but I wasn't going to take it. I wouldn't.

"You seem to think I might be believed." I said, trying to keep my tremble in check. "If you weren't worried, you wouldn't have come all the way up here to threaten me, would you?"

The look on their faces, the way they struggled to formulate a comeback. I had them. A smile flickered on my face, but only briefly. I knew they wouldn't let me win, if they could help it. They fell upon action. I expected it.

"Get the fuck away!" I screamed, backing away quickly. They had lunged forwards. My shout only stopped them a second, before they came again. The distance between us gave me time. A hard kick to Jojo's stomach. She fell back. Before I could try again, Anna had grabbed my wrists. I wrestled. She bit hard into my neck, making me cry out and making her cackle in a scratchy voice. Suddenly, Jojo was back and yanking at my hair. I tried to keep my footing. I wrestled a hand free but couldn't swing it far enough back. I fell, Jojo with me. Her leg snagged beneath my weight and she squealed. The sound was enough to make Anna hesitate. I wasn't stopping for anything. I was a blur of rage and fear. I pushed with all my might and sent her thin frame careering backwards. I had sprang back to my feet before she had even hit the ground. My arms raised like a boxer's defence. I was alert. I was glancing back and forth between them.

"I mean it. Keep the fuck away from me. If you don't want reporting, you'll leave me alone."

Anna was examining her leg. She hobbled to her feet gingerly. Both of them were glaring. "If you try anything, we'll make you suffer." Anna said. "We'll put you through something even your slut brain won't enjoy." She couldn't muster the same menace as before.

"You'll leave me alone." I repeated. Anna looked like she wanted to lunge at me again, but she caught sight of the lemon room. A curtain over one of the windows was swaying, as though someone had been peering out. It made her reconsider.

"We'll do whatever the fuck we want, slut. You might feel safe, but you're not. You'll never be."

I forced a derisive, dismissive laugh at their words. That seemed to end it. They were leaving. I had sent them walking! I tried to hold myself together. The second they had passed beyond a dip in the ground, I exploded into manic celebration. All of my fear reeling away into relief. Caught between laughing and crying, I started to shake. When Ellie finally appeared, she looked confused at the sight of me.

"Did you see them?" I asked, but she had taken the route from the east. No one had seen. It was a taste of everything I hoped for. Justice.Revenge.I took as a sign that I was going to win. Somehow,somehow, I was going to win. I found myself kissing Ellie. So rarely had I kissed her, it took her by surprise and she laughed warmly. Normally, she would kiss me, and often on the forehead more than my lips. I felt my penis stirring against the cage. A strange and reckless abandon took hold.

"Ellie, let me fuck you."

"What? We're out in the open, you twat." She started to laugh but I dragged her away. Behind the lemon room was a small open barn where hay was stored. It was secluded enough. I kissed her again.