Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne and fall is in the air just outside my window!

*watches a single leaf fall off a distant tree*

Anyway, here I am with the next chapter of Home for Horny Monsters, a story that started on this website seven years ago when a guy inherited an old house and jerked off in the bathtub, which summoned a nymph, caused a minor soul swap, and allowed me to sexualize different myths and monsters for several years now.

New reader? Welcome! You should go back to Ch. 001 and binge read the series until you make it back here. It's only a million words or so, make sure you take water breaks!

Returning readers, welcome back! I appreciate all of you who stick with this tale and make sure to read them as they come out. A reminder that I do keep a release schedule in my bio and have been doing really well this year keeping up with it! I would also like to send huge props to my beta team for making sure you all get a relatively clean product and would also like to give massive thanks to everyone who remembers to use the star system to rate stories! (Seriously, if you find something you like on Lit, hit stars so other people can find it)

I've had a few readers send letters asking if Sofia is going through a mid-life crisis and one reader even wondered if I was projecting some of my own issues. I felt it was an astute observation, as I'm not exactly young by any means, and it becomes natural for all of us to question at some point where we fit in with the world and whether or not we're happy. Truth be told, I think the main reason I have managed to avoid any sort of mid-life crisis is due to the love people have showed for this tale. While it sounds like I'm being a massive suck-up, this story has afforded me a dream career change right around the time I would be freaking out spinning wheels in my old career.

However, I have spent a lot of time self reflecting of late. I think that's true for most of us once we get older and start to feel it in our knees (I can't even predict oncoming weather with these bitches, what the hell?). I've also learned that any time I focus on a character in my stories, some of their issues weigh heavy on my mind. So, yes, time spent in Sofia's head has given me a lot to think about, but I promise those of you who have written me that I am doing well and am very content churning out this, um, slightly massive tale.

While a bunch of you are still young adults, I think all of us are quite capable of staring into that great, big starry void at night and wondering what our place is. It's hard to feel big when the universe makes you feel no larger than a

Bug

The early morning chill air kissed Mike's neck as he stepped into the backyard and shivered. The grass, which had been vibrant and green yesterday, had suddenly taken on a yellow hue. The magic that Amymone was supplying to the grounds had withdrawn significantly overnight as she prepared to go dormant for the winter. Mike walked over to the massive oak tree where the dryad rested with her back against the bark.

"I was starting to think you wouldn't hibernate for the winter," he said with a grin. Nestled in the trunk, the dryad lifted her head to reveal tired brown eyes.

"I have to get caught up," she said, clutching the Kindle she had been reading to her chest like a talisman. "I'm two books behind in this series and the next one comes out in February."

"Well, that's true, but couldn't you just wait and get caught up in the spring? Then you wouldn't be fighting to stay awake."

"Pah!" Amymone waved him off and sat up straight in the nook of her tree. "If I have to catch up next year, that's just two fewer books I'll get to read this year."

Mike knelt down and ruffled Amymone's hair. Some of it fell away from her, the green and yellow curls landing like scattered hay. "Just so you know, there's a good chance I'm leaving in the next couple of days. If you want me to say a proper goodbye, you should probably be ready for your nap before then."

Amymone's eyes popped open wide. "Oh shit," she whispered, then shrugged him off. "Don't distract me, then. I want you to be here when I fall asleep, you promised."

"I did," he replied. "But a promise only works if we're both working to fulfill it."

"Yeah, yeah, save your armchair psychology for the demon when she gets back." Amymone studied Mike's outfit. "Are you headed to Oregon today?"

"Yep." Mike rose and flapped his winter coat like a pair of wings to pump some cool air through it. "It's a lot colder over there. They don't have a magical ecosystem run by a beautiful dryad."

"Don't let me keep you." The dryad grinned and looked at something on her e-reader. "I've got four hours left in this book and can probably have the next two finished by tomorrow."

"I'll hold you to it." Mike stood and walked around Naia's fountain, then paused. He tapped the surface of the water, causing the nymph to manifest in a rising surge. Naia stretched dramatically, causing her gown to shift across her breasts and briefly reveal her nipples through the thin fabric. "Question. Does Death know someone messed with his teahouse?"

Naia looked toward the small structure near the back of the yard. After being damaged in the attack over the summer, Death had remodeled the small building just enough that the kids were able to play in it. Now, the thing had been reinforced with planks of wood that made it look like more a hastily-erected clubhouse.

"Death did that with Grace's help yesterday," Naia replied. "I think he's trying to keep her busy now that Tink is in the Library."

"He's a great friend." Mike smiled at the teahouse, then turned away. During this motion, he noticed a spare plank of wood from reinforcing the teahouse had been slapped against the side of his own home. "Um...why is that there?"

Naia giggled. "There was a chip in the paint," she replied. "Death tried to fix it and ended up making it worse. So it was just easier to hide the damage with that piece of wood."

"Tink is gonna kill him," muttered Mike.

"Youareaware who we're talking about?" Naia grinned at him.

"Perfectly," Mike replied. "She'll probably sit down with Jenny and brainstorm how to do it, and then successfully kill him."

The nymph laughed. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" she asked.

"Yeah, I do." He leaned over the water enough to give the nymph a kiss, then walked to the small structure shaped like a cabin in the back of his yard. When he unlocked and opened the door, the temperature within was even colder than outside. He stepped inside, made sure the door was shut properly behind him, then opened the door on the opposite wall. The sun was just rising in Oregon as Mike stepped out of the portal building and onto crunching snow. He pulled the edges of his jacket shut as the wind tried to take a bite out of him, then yanked the door closed. It stuck briefly in the frame before the latch finally caught.

A small collection of tents had been set up by the cabin, its exterior decorated with symbols that Mike immediately identified as Nirumbi in origin. A few members of the Nirumbi tribe stood watch around a fire that was being prepped for mealtime. One of the warriors grunted in his direction and relaxed the grip on their spear.

Mike nodded in their direction. "Is Beth home?" he asked. She was expecting him, but he was here far earlier than planned. There was always the chance she had gotten up early and was out doing...well, Beth things, or whatever needed taking care of.

The Nirumbi gave him a crooked thumbs up, followed by a grin.

"Thanks." The Nirumbi watched with glittering eyes as he crossed the yard to the porch of the cabin and let himself in through the front door. A fire crackled in the hearth, warming the cabin to a reasonable temperature.

"Master Radley!" Emory fluttered up and landed on a small half wall that separated the front entryway from the kitchen. "Welcome home, sir."

"It's just Mike," he said, but didn't know if the homunculus would bother listening. "Good morning. Is Beth up yet?"

The imp shrugged. "I have heard rustling in her bedroom and have prepared some coffee, but know better than to wake her unless it's an emergency."

"What if I told you it was an emergency?" Mike snatched Emory by the legs before he could fly off. "That was a joke, Emory."

"My apologies!" The homunculus looked forlorn as Mike set him down.

"There's nothing to apologize for. Have you made breakfast yet?"

"I was getting ready to."

"Can you include bacon?" Mike reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver dollar. He handed it to Emory, who accepted the gift with shining eyes.

"Of course," said the imp breathlessly. He tucked the coin away beneath one arm and fluttered into the kitchen. The homunculus busied himself with a cast iron skillet that he set onto the gas stove. With a click, the gas was ignited. Emory already had a bowl of eggs whipped and ready to be scrambled, but ignored it in favor of going to the fridge to retrieve some bacon first. In minutes, the cabin was filled with the sound and smell of sizzling meat.

The master bedroom door opened and Beth wandered out in a long flannel shirt that terminated at her thighs and nothing else. Her auburn curls were in a tangle, and she ran her fingers through them, before fixing Mike with a look.

"You're early," she said.

"And you're grumpy." Just by looking at her aura, he could see the fluctuations that indicated irritability. "Rough night?"

"Kind of. Do I smell bacon?" She sniffed the air and smiled. "That smells so good. I thought we were out."

"I told you we were out so that you wouldn't ask me to make it." Emory leaned over the cast iron pan and grabbed the edges of the cooking meat with his fingers and flipped them over.

Beth looked puzzled. "Why would you do that?"

"Because last week, you told me to hide the bacon from you because your ass was getting too big." Emory looked very proud of himself. "And so I did."

"When did I say that?" Beth frowned at Mike. "I swear, I'm not worried about my ass size."

Neither am I, thought Mike.

"It was after you drank two bottles of wine and ate more than a pound of bacon wrapped jalapenos." Emory coughed into his hand. "All by yourself. In an hour.

"Ah. I see." Beth sighed. "I may have been...drunk. I'm surprised you didn't hide the bread from me, too."

"You told me to hide the bacon but that if you had to stop eating bread, you'd kill yourself." Emory suddenly looked worried.

Beth groaned. "That explains why we've had bread with every meal. Emory, I was just being silly. I didn't actually mean those things."

"Oh." Emory grinned. "Bigfoot will be pleased that bacon's back on the menu again. I've been making it in secret for him."

"He knew?" Beth narrowed her eyes. "He should have said something to me about it."

Emory shrugged. "That explains why he and Asterion thought it was so funny."

Mike watched Beth's soul struggle as it shifted back and forth between mirth and anger. Finally, she let out a laugh and rolled her eyes.

"I'll make them pay later," she said, then walked into the dining room and pulled a chair out. Just the slight bend forward had caused the flannel shirt to lift and reveal the lower curves of her ass. Unless there was a thong tucked away between those cheeks, Beth had taken a page directly out of Tink's fashion playbook. She slid onto the seat and gestured toward the other side of the table. "Join me?"

"Gladly." Mike moved to take the seat across from her. Emory flew over with a pair of mismatched coffee mugs. One was brown with faded filigree along the top. The other was black with a red interior. Beth reached out and switched the mugs with a wink.

"I have my favorites," she explained, then stood with the black mug and went to the coffee pot. "I assume you want cream in your coffee?"

"A little would be fine," he replied.

"Only a little? What a pity." She grinned in his direction and made a dramatic showing of pouring a bunch of cream into her mug. "So your text sounded serious. What did you need to talk about?"

"I've got a lead I can chase regarding Tink."

"How is she?" Beth asked as she poured herself some coffee. She brought the creamer to the table along with the carafe, then went back for her coffee cup. She lifted it to her nose and inhaled the aroma, her eyes half closed in bliss.

"She's okay, but very restless." Mike poured himself a tiny bit of cream and then added coffee to it. He took a cautious sip and his eyes went wide. "This is really good!"

"It's from Hawaii. I only get the good stuff now." Beth sat down. Over at the stove, Emory hovered nervously by the bacon, getting ready to snatch it from the pan. "So I'm guessing this lead of yours means an away mission?"

"Yep. Dana is still out hunting down the remaining Sons of Sin, which means I need you to watch the house." Mike frowned. "I don't know why, but I've got this feeling that something is headed our way."

Beth laughed. "I can explain why that is. Every time you leave your house, some asshole comes along to start drama. The first time I house-sat for you, it was an angel and the apocalypse. A few months ago, it was mercenaries. I think we all know that something is going to happen."

"In my defense, I put up 'No Soliciting signs'." Mike chuckled. "Between those and the lions, we should be good now."

"As long as we're prepared." Beth turned her head to watch Emory pull the bacon from the pan. The homunculus used a rag to wipe out most of the grease and then dumped the whipped eggs right into the skillet. The imp gave the pan a cursory tilt, then hopped over to the toaster and dropped some bread slices into it. "So where are you going? I should remind you not to wear red, it's bad luck."

MIke took a deep breath and let it out all at once. Beth turned her attention back toward him. He smiled weakly. "It's at Machnaimh Abbey."

"The castle of reflections." Beth made a face and shivered. The name itself came from how the castle was reflected in the lake. "You must have found a hell of a lead to decide to go back to that miserable place. How long has it been since our trip?"

"Just over a year, I think." The disastrous visit to Machnaimh wasn't something that came up in casual conversation. Beth had gone with him for that initial trip, which had transformed into a terror-filled weekend along with some shared trauma. The place was infested with angry spirits in numbers that had boggled the mind. After two days of running from room to room while trying to escape, the spirits had finally allowed them to go.

"Well, at least you'll be more prepared this time." Beth shook her head. "The spirits won't be too happy that they messed with you."

Mike shrugged, his mind briefly touching the incident with the wraith. Unlike Beth, he had been able to see the spirits while they were there, so half of his issue had been protecting her from harm. Now, if he chose, he could not only protect himself but go on the offensive should the ghosts of Machnaimh push their luck.

"I debated waiting for Jenny to come home so I could take her, but that would be like putting gasoline on a fire. The spirits are angry, but they don't deserve whatever she would do to them." He sipped his coffee and chewed at his lip. "Cecilia should go with me for certain. She was a big help when I had to deal with that wraith, and the spirits won't be able to hurt her."

"Or possess her." Beth shivered. "You don't want to bring anyone who can be taken over."

"Yeah, that, too." The spirits had actively tried to possess both of them numerous times. They were both fairly immune to possession, but every attempt had been filled with a sense of foreboding and dread. "I thought about bringing Yuki, but I would feel better knowing she's here watching the house and Grace."

"So, what? Just you and Cecilia?" Beth shook her head. "That sounds foolish at best."

"I thought about bringing Cerberus. They can't be possessed and won't be frightened by whatever crap the spirits throw my way." He meant that both figuratively and literally. "I'm also highly suspicious that there's a demonic presence in the castle. It would explain why the spirits can't leave. Cerberus could take care of it while I'm there. It would be way faster than a ouija board and some holy water."

"I'm surprised you haven't gone back to the castle already." Beth smiled. "You're way stronger now. I'm sure the visit will go better."

Mike nodded and slumped in his chair. "I'm always so busy," he said. "When it's not the end of the world, my attention is getting pulled in every direction. Going back to that castle and trying to figure out its secrets has been so low on my priority list, I just couldn't be bothered. Honestly, knowing that something there might help Tink is the only reason I'm willing to go back now."

Beth nodded and sipped her coffee. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes as Emory wrapped up in the kitchen, then plated their food and brought it to the table. The scrambled eggs held just a hint of smokey flavor from the bacon grease. Mike stacked his eggs onto his buttered toast, added the bacon, then topped it with the other piece of toast to make it into a sandwich. When Beth raised her eyebrows at him, he grinned.

"I am a man of efficiency," he stated, then took a bite of his meal.

"Some of us like to savor our meals."

"I have two wives, a bunch of horny roommates, and two children with a third on the way." Out of habit, Mike slammed down half of his coffee. "I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest."

Beth chuckled, then a frown crossed her face. "Out of curiosity, have you been spending more time with Sulyvahn?"

"Why? You jealous?" Mike waggled his eyebrows, then saw the look on Beth's face and realized she was serious. "I've noticed him hanging around, but I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit down and check in with him."

"Interesting." Beth turned to look out the window. "A couple of days ago, he suddenly insisted that he had extra work to do around the house. He won't even make time for me."

"Um..." Mike had already shoved most of the remaining sandwich into his mouth before swallowing it with more coffee. "Did you two have a fight or something?"

"We haven't. In fact, he's always just really sweet and we chat about whatever is on our minds when we're together." Beth picked up a piece of bacon and split it in half the long way. "His sudden lack of interest raises a few alarms."

"He's always just in the front of the house, working the yard. However..." Mike mentally replayed his recent interactions with the dullahan. "Yeah, he has been weird. I feel like he's just hanging around and waiting for something."

"Hmm." Beth tapped the table with her fingers, then chewed on her bacon. She slowly ate her breakfast, then used a napkin to clean butter off her lips when she was done. After a long sip of coffee, she sighed and sat back in her chair. "Let him go with you."

"Excuse me?"

"I think I may know what's going on," she said. "But I can't go into details."

"Why not?"

"Because I suspect that you knowing may complicate things. In fact..." Beth looked out the window and smirked. "And there he is."

Mike leaned forward to look out the window pane. Sulyvahn was currently chatting with a trio of Nirumbi youngsters. They were showing him a ball, which he casually bounced on his knees like a professional soccer player.

"Do I...have to worry about him?" Mike asked.

"No." Beth rose and took her plate to the sink. "But I need you to give me some money right now. For lawyer-client confidentiality."

"What?"

"Don't ask questions. Let me do my job." Beth put out her hand. "Think of it as old magic."