Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all!

It's me, Annabelle Hawthorne, back yet again with the newest installment of Horny Monsters!

New reader? Welcome in! This is the start of book 9. That's right, book. FUCKING. NINE. If the chapter count wasn't intimidating, there are also 4 spin-off novels in the same universe. Sure, the beginning of a random ass book in a series might work for Animorphs (kind of) or Babysitter's Club (maybe), but jumping in now would sort of be like starting Winds of Winter as your introduction to a Song of Ice and Fire (if it ever releases, I know you're reading this, George, I'm finally getting to you!)

Returning reader, welcome back! This is the ninth book, monster-fam, holy shit! Thanks to all of you who read the previous 8 books and said "You know what? I'm gonna punish my [insert bodypart here] with another one of these," and kept at it. I wouldn't be here without you, and your continued support means the world to me. (And by support, I mean remember to rate and review)

A friendly reminder, the schedule is regularly posted in my bio. I think my last goof was in 2023 when I forgot or something, who knows. That feels like a lifetime ago. Also, I did have some beta readers say that I should include a trigger warning for this chapter. A very bad thing is hinted at that happens to a very bad character, and some of you will find it a bit disturbing. I don't go into any graphic details in this chapter or the ones after, but enough is implied that I'm clearly

Making a Point

It was the first weekend in May. Callisto stood on the sidelines of the soccer pitch watching his teammates play on the field. He was on a co-ed team for thirteen-year-olds called The Wolves, and they were currently down two points. Looking over toward the sidelines where his family stood on the grass, he tried not to react when his mom waved at him.

His dad had promised to be there today, but hadn't shown up yet. Although his father had attended most of his games, this was the one needed to get into the final tournament in two weeks. His team had only lost one game this season, which put them in the running for the top four.

Things had been hectic at the Radley home this spring. His new baby sister was more than a handful, and the plethora of adults who used to have time to spend with him were constantly keeping the little goblin out of trouble. Even Tink lost track of her at times, which was really something. He had heard adults joking about the terrible twos before, but his sister was apparently setting the absolute standard for it.

There was also the fact that Mike was consistently dealing with issues either at the main house or one of his other properties. Last weekend, he had been forced to leave Callisto's game early because something called a Baykok had made it onto the cabin property and was preying on the Nirumbi. For whatever reason, Aunt Beth had needed his personal assistance, which had irked Callisto.

Recently, the adults in general irritated him. He could only presume it was related to what was likely the end of his prepubescent status. Other centaurs his own age had already gone through some of those changes, but his half-human status had certainly delayed the effect.

Now, though, he was consistently battling his own inner demons on the pettiest of subjects. The rational part of his mind liked to remind him that his elders had lived entire lives packed with experiences he couldn't fathom. He literally lived with women who were centuries old and had looked after generations of people.

The other part of him believed that they didn't know anything. He was pretty much an adult anyway, and what did they--

"Heads!" someone yelled, and Callisto and the others on the sidelines ducked as the ball shot through where he had been standing. The centaur, currently in human form, flared his nostrils at the one who had kicked it.

Ashton Maxwell. He was a young man on Callisto's team. His blond hair was wavy, and he had a smattering of freckles along his cheeks that the girls on the Wolves often whispered to each other about. His father was a producer for some musician's music videos, and they lived in the wealthy part of town.

"Sorry, Cally." Ashton smirked and ran back onto the field as a member of the other team, the Tigers, came to throw the ball in.

Ever since Cal's first day on the team, Ashton had been antagonizing him. Callisto knew that this was, in part, due to the mystery surrounding his own family. Ashton liked to bring up his family's income every chance he got, and had clearly noticed that Callisto wasn't impressed in the slightest.

Sure, Ashton's father could afford a private jet for their summers in the Bahamas on a private island. And yes, some famous boy band that all the girls on the team listened to had played at his birthday party last summer. Ashton's family was insanely rich, compared to the average person.

But Callisto was a centaur disguised as a human, and he could see a person's soul. The misery that consistently lingered in Ashton's spilled free like a noxious gas. On the two occasions that Ashton's father had come to a game, the man had spent the whole time on the phone. The Maxwells were a family in name only. It was usually his mom who brought him, and the woman always seemed zonked out on tranquilizers.

That rational part of him that recognized his own adolescence was looming also told him that he should pity Ashton. It was clear that Ashton's behavior was the fault of an upbringing lacking in familial love and boundaries.

The other part of Callisto liked to think that if a big enough tube was shoved down Ashton's throat, he would legally be considered the world's largest douchebag. Sadly, this part won, and Callisto was forced to let his emotions simmer as he glared at Ashton, who was now ignoring him to focus on the game.

The next play went out of bounds thirty seconds later, and the coach called for a timeout to send in some subs. Callisto was sent in as Ashton was on his way out. The blond deliberately shoulder-checked him on the way in. Callisto had no idea how the coach didn't see shit like this, but knew for a fact that his Faerie body guard did.

Before Callisto had joined the soccer team, Mike had spoken at length with the family's private guard about what constituted the kind of harm that the Fae should be involved in. There was a very real fear that an errant ball that smashed Callisto's in the nose would cause murderous retaliation.

Callisto wouldn't mind if the spirit just broke Ashton's legs a little, or maybe body slammed him. Something other than quietly watching. He hated looking at the thing, so often wished he would get some use out of it.

Before play resumed, he touched the magical band around his bicep that allowed him to hold his human form for up to a day. It was currently in the form of a temporary tribal tattoo. Aunt Ratu's enchanting skills had improved over the last year, and she had actually learned quite a bit from the home's recent addition, Tasia, who had a sword that turned into a bracelet.

Now out on the field, he caught a glance from Cassie Evergreen, a girl on his team. They hadn't spoken more than a few times, but he thought about her more than he probably should these days. Her hair looked soft, and he wondered what her hand would feel like if he held it. Or what it would be like to kiss--

"Go, Cal, go!" Zel screamed, his mother pointing frantically. Callisto had been too busy making eye contact with Cassie to notice that play had resumed.

Sprinting frantically, he had to remember to tone down his athletic abilities, but had covered a third of the field already to catch up to the ball. The girl who currently had it was a striker for the Tigers, and she was likely going to take a shot on the goal.

Callisto threw just a bit of caution to the wind and went wide, then slid in front of her and kicked the ball away. Back on his feet in an instant, he charged toward the opposite goal, deftly weaving between the defenders.

Cassie cheered him on, and he popped the ball into the air, hit it with his forehead, and jumped while twirling sideways to pass between two defenders who had formed a wall. His team cheered, and he managed to intercept the ball where it landed and kick it straight at the other goal.

The ball shot past the goalie, netting his team another point. The closest teammates cheered Callisto on as he ran back toward center field, then gave a big shit-eating grin to Cassie. On the sideline, Ashton was making a face like someone had force-fed him a turd.

"That's my boy!" Zel yelled, hopping up and down. Next to her, Aunt Lily was also cheering and jumping. Her tight tank top was borderline inappropriate, and more than a few parents were staring at Lily's boobs as they jiggled. The shirt had the wordsBeing the cool aunt is lame, I'd rather be the hot onein fiery letters.

Down between them, Grace was busy clapping one hand on her knee while staring at Callisto. In her other hand was what appeared to be a big, fat grasshopper, which she promptly popped in her mouth like candy. Hovering invisibly above her was another Fae spirit, diligently watching for trouble.

Damnit, Grace,he thought to himself as a nearby teammate gagged. Trying to ignore his little sister, he did a quick scan of the field to see if his father was among them, maybe even invisibly. Normal humans were weird around his dad, constantly stumbling over themselves to appease or impress him.

Callisto acknowledged that this was probably part of his problem with Ashton. Sure, Ashton's father had money, but nobody repeatedly accused him of being a famous model or movie star.

Seeing that Mike wasn't lingering nearby, he let out a sigh and took his position near the center of the field. The referee set the ball in the middle and backed up.

Dad, where the hell are you?Callisto wondered as the other team's center ran forward and passed the ball to their teammate.

🏠🏠🏠

The room was a study with three large picture windows that looked out over a distant mountain range. The windows themselves were framed by a massive pair of ornate bookshelves that had been recently oiled and polished. The shelves themselves were adorned with children's books that had been packed in over the last year. Along one wall was a fireplace that had gone cold sometime in the spring, but was meticulously swept. There was nothing odd about the room itself when seen from the inside, but even a casual observer would realize that something was off. The view of distant islands in a massive lake simply didn't jive with the fact that this study was not only an interior room, but that the home itself was in the middle of a large neighborhood several miles from any substantial body of water.

The sanctity of this odd magical space was shattered as a gargoyle crashed through the central picture window, slamming into the floor so hard that the boards buckled. From her back leapt Mike Radley, clutching a green toddler to his chest as he sprang free and slid across the polished hardwood until he came to a stop with his feet against the door.

"Tink!" he shouted, and the door of the study was blown apart by gunfire. The man-sized hole in the door revealed a redheaded goblin who stood four feet tall and had small crow's feet in the corner of her eyes. She stood behind a hastily assembled chaingun that had been bolted to the floor and was stabilized by a crystalline assembly of ice.

A shrieking sound filled the air as feathered creatures swept in. Half woman and half bird, the flock of harpies squawked angrily at the sight of Mike and his child against the opposite wall, their cries swiftly drowned out by the sound of an M242 Bushmaster tearing the room to shreds.

On the floor, Abella cried out in pain, clutching at her ears as she scooted to the side. The harpy swarm, unable to escape, were reduced to blood and feathers in an instant. When Tink let go of the trigger, Yuki ran into the room and scooped up the goblin toddler, who promptly bit her.

"Ow, shit!" She tossed the child to her mother, Tink, then sealed the door with a barrier made of ice. "Get her out of here," she cried.

Outside, the remaining harpies were busy shrieking in dismay. Mike got up off the floor and ran to the window, magic building in his chest as he pointed his fingers at the harpies like a pistol.

"Scat!" he cried, firing a bolt of lightning at them. That finally scared the beasts off, and the swarm scattered. Scowling at the harpies as they went, he turned to look at Abella, who was being helped to her feet by Yuki.

"You okay?" he asked.

The gargoyle nodded, then joined him at the window with Yuki. "To think that this valley had a harpy population all this time," she muttered with a faint French accent.

"Well, it's not like anyone ever came in here before," he said. In the last year or so, Charlotte the vampyr had actually made this her study. She liked the view and had taken to stocking the shelves with children's books that she could read to the kids who now lived with the Moon Tribe in his greenhouse. The vampyr had also taken to reading these books to the merfolk, but had most recently been doing storytime with his youngest daughter, Matilda.

Named by his goblin wife after the little girl from a movie she had watched on repeat for the final month of her pregnancy, his daughter was not yet two, yet somehow got into more trouble than the rest of the house combined. Today's issue was the unlucky result of Matilda breaking into Charlotte's study to look through her books, unaware that the harpies had been waiting for that exact opportunity.

It hadn't been hard for the bird-like creatures to lure Matilda to the window and abduct her. What they hadn't counted on was that Matilda was constantly being shadowed by four troublesome fairies who absolutely adored the chaos she brought, who had immediately informed Mike. Able to track his child with his magic, the only obstacle in his way was his own inability to fly, hence Abella's involvement.

Staring out the window, Mike shook his head and let out a sigh. Turning to see the mess that was Charlotte's office, he sent her a mental image of the place, expecting to feel her disappointment through their bond. Instead, she was far too relieved that Matilda was safe to even worry that her special room had been ruined by guts and gunfire.

"What do you think they wanted with her?" Yuki wondered.

"Delicacy," Abella replied. "Harpies are like bees, and they have a queen. They were taking Matilda to their nest, wherever that is."

There was a banging sound on the ice wall that Yuki had made. The kitsune dismissed it with a wave of her hand, and Tink came storming in with her modified sniper rifle.

"TINK SHOOT FUCKING BIRD BITCHES!" she screamed, and had to be stopped halfway to the window.

"They're gone," Mike told her. The goblin turned her head toward him in slow motion, her eyes practically feral.

"Did Tink kill them all?" she asked in a quiet tone.

"Well, no, some got aw--"

"GOBLIN MURDERING SPREE!" she shouted, and leapt at the window. Mike scooped her up as Yuki took away the gun.

"That's a later problem," he said, looking toward the door. Kisa was standing there, holding Matilda tight against her chest. His daughter looked like she was already asleep. "We need to board these windows up so that we can fix the place up."

"Fuck fixing windows!" she shouted, struggling to get free.

"Which will give us time to plan our revenge," he added.

The goblin went still in his arms. "Big revenge?" she asked.

"Well, yeah. We can't really have child-eating harpies lurking around our home, now can we?"

Tink chewed on this thought, then went limp. "Put Tink down," she commanded. "Need plywood for windows."

Happy that his goblin wife wasn't about to leap into the ravine, he complied. She adjusted her dress, nodded at the others, then promptly grabbed Mike's dick through his pants. "Big gun make Tink horny," she replied. "Husband share big gun later."

"Speaking of guns, where the hell did you get that thing?" he asked, gesturing at the Bushmaster.

"Tink took it from US military last winter," the goblin replied, offering no further explanation as she walked out the door with Kisa. Exasperated, Mike just shook his head and watched her leave. Now that the immediate danger was over, he walked carefully toward the nearest couch with the intention of sitting, but stopped when he saw that it was covered in harpy guts.

Seeing his dilemma, Yuki pulled a tarot card from her pocket and threw it at the ground. When it struck, the paper unfolded into a group of sticks that quickly assembled themselves into a chair.

"You didn't need to waste a card on me," he said.

"Minor arcana," she replied. "Will take me a couple of hours to make a replacement. Besides, you look like you need it."

"I do. Thank you." He sat in the chair and placed his face in his hands. Tears of relief ran silently down his cheeks and through his fingers. Typically, true danger came for his family from outside the house. Today was the first time that it had come from within, and he felt an odd sense of violation.

He and others had briefly explored this ravine more than once, yet had never seen the harpies. They all had figured it was an unused pocket world, and had let the issue go. With all the other things that had become normal around his home, it was kind of easy to forget a window that went to a different world.

Abella came up from behind the chair and wrapped her arms over his shoulders, her wings draped lightly over him.

"Thank you," he whispered, knowing she could easily hear him with her sensitive ears. "For everything."

"Always," she replied. Abella had come right away when he had yelled for her, but that now meant that the stairs and part of the hallway were scratched up from her passage. Made completely of stone, her talons had gouged several inch-long grooves into nearly everywhere she had gone in her haste to get to the study.

It was only a minute later when Charlotte appeared in the doorway. The vampyr was wearing an outdoor dress and had mud on her hands and knees. She surveyed the room with dark eyes that scrutinized every detail, then looked at Mike.

"Matilda seemed okay," she told him. "I just checked on her. Sorry I wasn't here sooner."

Mike chuckled and shook his head. "You were in the middle of something else," he replied. "It's fine."

"No, it's not. I should have secured this room better." The vampyr moved to the window and looked outside. "Yuki, could you seal these off, please? Tink is coming back up with plywood soon, but I worry that the harpies may return in bigger numbers."

"Maybe we should let them," Yuki growled. "They tried to eat one of our own."

"This is true," Charlotte admitted. "But if this was only an act of desperation, we shouldn't punish them for it."

The vampyr and the kitsune glared daggers at each other, and Yuki finally gave in and summoned a wall of ice to seal off the windows. Something about Charlotte rubbed Yuki the wrong way. Part of this was the fact that the kitsune hated how the vampyr smelled. The rest was likely some sort of internalized hatred of what Charlotte represented, or maybe the fact that the vampyr often acted like a mother figure for everybody in the house, despite her relatively young biological age of nineteen.

"If they are ruled by a Queen, then it's the Queen we should go after," Yuki declared, then turned her head in Mike's direction. "Unless you'd like to marry her, too."

Mike chuckled and shook his head. "Yeah, I think I may have hit my royal limit." He was technically married to a mermaid princess and the Queen of the Fae. A simulacrum made of magic and a portion of his soul was currently in the Fae Realm as acting King, assisting Titania with her royal duties. No such solution existed for him with Leilani, and the mermaid had voiced her displeasure more than once recently that he wasn't around as much as she'd like.