Home for Horny Monsters

Hi all, here it is, Ch. 63!

If you're new, just go ahead and steamroll in, I won't stop you. You're going to have soooo many questions.

Returning reader? Welcome! I've gotten some questions about Eulalie and Velvet and wanted to remind everyone that they actually starred in a few chapters of Dead and Horny. The story of how their parents met was the plot of Last of Her Kind. Just wanted to make sure everyone knew that.

Also, thanks for taking the time to leave ratings and comment. The ratings and such help other readers find this story, and I do read the comments. Even if you disagree with choices I've made regarding the story, I do appreciate you taking the time to make those thoughts known, it really does help me maintain perspective. Naturally, like everything else I've written, I've got very long term plans for choices I make today.

As a side note, once Dead and Horny ends, I will be making two HFHM chapter posts a month. Hope that's okay ;P

Okay, buckle up everyone and make sure you have plenty of bullets, because it's time to strike out on the

Oregon Trail

It was almost noon when a small retinue of rats tracked Mike down at the bench by the back gate with Cerberus. Cerberus, in human form with a spectral chain around their neck, bared their teeth at the rats. They stopped when Mike patted the center head. He had discovered a few months ago that the center head was like the alpha of the pack. The only reason they were grumpy was that they knew Mike was leaving.

"You be good while I'm gone," he told the hellhound as he stood. "No barking at the fairies. No growling at Tink. Lily is fair game, though."

This last one got a sheepish grin from the center head. Though they considered Mike their boss, Lily was definitely second-in-command due to her demonic nature. There was no way they would ever consider doing anything to the demon.

"Master come home soon?" they asked. Each head took a turn with each word, the speech slightly stilted as a result.

"I will come home when my business is done." He gave Cerberus a hug, then kissed each forehead. "I'm counting on you to protect the house."

Cerberus backed away, their features solemn as they nodded. The large chain fastened around their necks retracted into the Underworld as they walked through the iron gate. Once on the other side, the spectral chain vanished and Cerberus reverted to their true form in a flash of crimson flames. They let out a howl and ran into the mist of the Underworld as Mike closed the gate and locked it.

When he made it to the top of the yard, Dana was waiting for him next to Naia's fountain.

"How is she this morning?" he asked.

Dana frowned. "She's fine, but...it isn't pretty."

"You look like you're ready for an adventure," he said. With Eulalie unable to go, Dana had been the first to volunteer to guide him. Ever since dying, her memory was perfect, which would help them find the cabin in the woods. "Is that...Tick Tock?" He was referring to the backpack she wore.

"No, Tick Tock is staying here," she explained. "As long as he has the you-know-what stored away, it makes more sense to keep him here."

Dana was referring to the Grimoire of Morgana Le Fey. The magical text was full of powerful spells and its rumored existence alone had caused multiple attempts to break into his home. The mimic had been instructed to swallow the damned thing if anyone tried to take it. He had been tempted on a few occasions to just ask Tick Tock to do it, but he wanted Ratu to search its pages before he did. If it really was one of the most powerful magical texts ever, it might hold the secret to bringing Dana back to life.

"That's really smart, I'm glad you thought of it. So...what are you bringing?" Mike asked.

"Spare change of clothes. For myself and—"

"Me." Quetzalli stepped out of the garage, her purple hair nearly iridescent in the sun. A silver horn sat in the middle of her forehead, and beneath it was a streak of either dust or cobwebs. "If Dana is coming then I am too."

"There may be a fight," he warned her.

"I'm no stranger to a fight." She winked at him. A dragon stuck in human form, she was able to manipulate electricity and could speak about storms for hours. "My horn has grown half-an-inch in the last three months, so my control is getting better."

To elaborate her point, she held her hands apart and he watched tiny streamers flow back and forth between her palms. He opened his mouth to say something, but Dana put her hand over his lips.

"I know what you're going to do," she told him. "And if you make an electricity joke, I will punch you."

He held up his hands and tried to wipe the smirk off his face. "Okay, that's fair. I'll keep it to myself."

"Now that's actually shocking," Amymone quipped from up in her tree.

"Could you zap her?" Dana asked.

Quetzalli frowned. "No. Wood is a poor conductor."

"Go, go," Naia told them before leaning out of her fountain to give Mike a hug. "You'll only encourage her if you pay her any attention."

Up in the tree, Amymone laughed, then looked down at Mike. "She's not wrong. Make sure you come home, okay?"

He nodded, and they all followed the rat to the front of the house. Out front, Tink had constructed a small shed off to the side of the house. A pair of centaurs stood next to it, and one of them held out a scroll and a small bag for Mike.

"From Zel?" he asked. They nodded, and he took the bag and put it over his shoulder. It rattled with potions inside, which brought a smile to his face. Last time Zel had sent him off with potions, things had become very interesting.

"Tell her thank you for me." He debated having them tell her he missed her, but figured it might be inappropriate for them to pass that to their chieftain. Zel was constantly busy, but he was no different. As a change from taking care of the house and its occupants, this little excursion was already beginning to feel like a small vacation.

Reggie stepped out of the shed and put his crown on. "We just finished. You will need to crawl through the hole. The cabin is abandoned, but the only place we could manage a portal was in the cellar. The building is a bit unstable."

"It's not gonna fall on me, is it?" Mike picked up the backpack he had stuck there early that very morning. Inside it was a spare change of his own clothes and some food that Sofia had prepped for him. There was also a compass, a multi-tool, and other supplies he had packed for emergencies.

Reggie shook his head. "It shouldn't, but I doubt it makes it another winter."

"Good to know." Mike picked up the coat he had set next to his bag and put it on. He saw Quetzalli do the same thing, then looked at Dana.

"No coat?" he asked.

"Why bother?"

"Fair point. I guess we're just waiting for Yuki."

The front door opened and the kitsune stepped outside. She wore a white fur coat that went down to her knees and a pair of fur-lined boots. Once off the porch, she crossed the yard and stood next to Mike. Yuki placed her hands on her waist and grinned. Her canines looked as if they had been recently polished.

"Excited?" he asked.

"Very." She placed an arm around his shoulders and smiled. "Been a while since I've seen somewhere new."

"That makes both of us." He looked around at everyone that had gathered. Cecilia waved to him dreamily from the front porch while Tink scowled at him nearby. The little goblin wasn't happy to be left behind, but he felt like he was in good enough hands with Yuki. The snow-covered forests of Oregon would give her a huge advantage.

"Oh, don't worry little goblin." Lily stepped out of the house but had already shape-shifted into Mike. "You can always snuggle with me at night."

"Fucking horny bitch," Tink muttered, then ran up and hugged Mike around the waist. "Husband come home safe or Tink be really mad. Bite husband real good this time."

"Oh, I know you will." During an intimate moment earlier that morning, she had bitten him on the neck hard enough to leave a mark. When he let her go, she moved over to stand with Kisa, who was sitting on the stairs. Next to her was Lily, a mirror image of himself. "As for you, try to behave."

"Of course, I will," Lily told him in his own voice. "'Cause I'm a sexy boy scout. Be prepared, right? Now where are my bitches at? We're gonna be fucking for days!"

"That's not what I sound like," he muttered.

"C'mon, bro, it's all good." Lily threw her arms around Mike and gave him a good squeeze. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'm going to knock everybody up while you're gone, just you watch. I've got enough of your baby juice packed away to make mommas out of all of them."

"What?" His mouth was suddenly dryer than it had ever been.

"Gotta go!" Lily stuck out her tongue and walked back up to the front door. "I've got a date with a kitty cat." When she looked down at Kisa, the catgirl nodded and slid the silver bracelet onto her wrist.

Mike groaned as they went inside. He knew he could trust Lily, but she wasn't making it easy for him.

"Mike?" Beth walked up from the garden with Sulyvahn in tow. "Are you leaving now?"

"I am." He gave her an awkward wave. "Hopefully this goes better than last time."

She grimaced.

If the roof was still attached when he came home, he would consider it a win.

"I guess that's that," he said, then opened the door to the shed. A cold blast of air came through it. "So, let's—"

Abella landed with a thud in front of him, causing him to jump.

"I'm going, too," she said, her dark eyes glittering.

Mike blinked in astonishment. "I thought you couldn't leave the house."

"I cannot," she told him. "Unless the Caretaker is in danger. I believe that you are walking into danger right now, therefore I am going with you."

"Abella, I—" He looked over at Beth, hoping she would interject. Without Abella, the home's strongest defenders would be away.

"I know what you're thinking," Abella said. "The home will be fine without me. It can be rebuilt. You cannot."

Famous last words,he thought.

"They have the centaurs and the lizard." She added while gesturing at the Jabberwock. "And Lily is almost as strong as I am. In fact, this place is more well-guarded than when you first moved in. And if someone should actually breach the house, I'm sure Ratu and Asterion would show up to help as well."

He thought about arguing with her, but to what end? She had already made up her mind and he wasn't sure he could convince her otherwise.

"We'll need to be careful," he informed her. "Apparently, the cabin is a bit unstable."

"I'll go last," she said. "You've made a wise decision."

He looked over at Yuki, then back at Abella. The two of them alone had been enough to fight off a possessed Jabberwock, he couldn't imagine an obstacle they couldn't handle.

"I guess it's time then." He looked at the house, then at Beth. "Call me if there's trouble."

She nodded knowingly. "You do the same."

Once he was through the portal, the plan was to have the rats close it. If something drastic occurred, the shed could be destroyed, which would accomplish the same thing.

When he tried to go first, Yuki shoved him out of the way. Her tails swished behind her as she crouched down to go through the hole that had been chewed into the wood of the shed. On her way through, she summoned a ball of light in her hand, then cast it into the dark room ahead. It illuminated a dirt cellar decorated with wooden shelves that were covered in a thick layer of dust.

"Me next." Dana pushed her way past him, followed by Quetzalli. He received a nasty shock from her in passing. Shaking it off, he crouched down to go through the opening and felt the temperature drop.

Now in the cellar, he turned on his phone's light and looked around. Yuki had already found the stairs and had opened the hatch up above them, which let in some light. She and the others were on their way up when Abella squeezed through the portal.

The gargoyle grunted, then popped through. The wall vibrated, and the portal shimmered for a second, but it held. When Abella stood, her wings wrapped around her body like a cloak.

"And?" he asked, expecting her to retreat through the opening. He didn't know if the house would simply call her back, or demand she return.

"And you should go first," she said. "In case the stairs collapse." Her brow was furrowed as if in concentration.

He nodded, then headed up. The cabin was drafty, and he saw that it was also empty. The others had apparently gone outside. The front door was missing, which accounted for the chill. Behind him, the sound of creaking wood filled the air, so he made haste to get outside as well.

The others were waiting, their eyes on the forest. He assumed by their relaxed postures that they were away from prying eyes. Behind him, the cabin groaned in protest as Abella crossed the living room and stood in the frame of the door.

"So which way from here?" Yuki asked him as Abella stepped out of the cabin.

"That way," both he and Abella said, pointing to the northwest. For him, it was like a lure, an attraction that told him exactly where he needed to go. "You feel it, too?"

Abella nodded. "It is like the house. I have an urge to fly there right now."

"You can go ahead if you want," he told her.

"My place is by your side." She moved next to him, then bowed her head. "Not that you had a choice, but thanks for letting me come."

He said nothing. His feelings about her presence were mixed, and he was afraid that he would put his foot straight in his mouth. Though grateful that she was by his side, he was well aware that she was the home's bouncer, and hoped that nobody came around looking for trouble.

So, he smiled at her. Maybe her decisions weren't what he would have picked, but he wanted to make sure she knew that he was still on her side. The air was much colder here, so he slipped on a pair of gloves and tightened the straps on his bag. Once finished, he took Abella by the hand. Her grip was strong and welcoming.

"Let's go for a hike," he said, then led them into the forest.

🏠🏠🏠

The rats took about an hour to close the portal, but Beth stayed to watch until they were done. The structure would remain until Mike was back. The last thing they needed was an emergency, and portals could only be chewed into enclosed spaces. It had something to do with how reality folded, but when Reggie had described the process to her, the details had mostly gone over her head.

She checked her phone, then looked out at the yard. Last time Mike had left, they had been attacked by vengeful spirits. The sunny weather did little to cheer her, as she was painfully aware that Mike had taken the home's heavy hitters with him. If something happened that required brute force, she felt ill-equipped.

"Lass?' Sulyvahn came around the side of the house, a bucket in one hand and a trowel in the other. "Ye be lookin' a bit wired to the moon. T'was wonderin' I am if I were able to ease things a bit for yourself?"

"That obvious?" She was suddenly aware of the heavy tension that had settled into her neck. It was stress, and her usual coping mechanism of wine and orgasms wasn't an option.

"Aye." Sulyvahn reached into the bucket and pulled out a rose. "This one reminded me of yer own self, it did. Beauty and thorns, all rolled in one."

"Thank you." She took the flower and inhaled its aroma. The yard smelled like a floral boutique ever since the equinox ceremony. She had watched in awe as the entire yard came to life at once, the flowers blooming and the various flora expanding in size. It had been like watching a time-lapse video.

"Maybe it be nerves." Sulyvahn set the bucket down. "I know ye be fearin' fer the home."

Cecilia manifested up on the porch. The banshee was sitting on her swing, and her white skin was almost blinding in the bright light of day.

"The home will be fine," Cecilia told her. "He won't be gone long. I'm always watching. I'll raise the alarm if I see something amiss."

Beth smirked. "I know you will. If you two will excuse me, I have some work I should be doing."

Suly gave her a dramatic bow as she left.

Once inside, she walked into the office and sat down with a groan. While it was true that she could find something to do, she wasn't in a position to concentrate on any task.

The room connected to the office was a sitting room full of Egyptian artifacts. Death walked out of it holding a cup of tea in one hand and a children's book about pyramids in the other. Upon noticing Beth, he set the book down on her desk.

"Would you like some tea?" he asked.

"Yes, please." She looked up at him. "Even you can tell how stressed I am?"

"Hmm?" Death studied her for a moment. "I was offering for the sake of etiquette, but you do look troubled. I'm thinking maybe a lavender blend."

"Sure, thanks." She watched him go back into the study, then looked down at the book he had left. It claimed to have a reading level perfect for third-graders, and when she opened it, she noticed that Death had been scribbling in the margins.

"Pyramid." She tapped the word that Death had circled. A line connected the word to a triangle he had drawn on the side. Flipping through the book, she saw that he had made notes, particularly in the chapter about death rituals. Clearly, something had caught his interest, which was a far cry better than booty pics of Tink.

It suddenly occurred to her that someone had taken those pictures.

"Hey there, hot stuff!" Lily-Mike walked into the room, her legs far apart as she waddled. "Sure is hard walking around with these massive fucking balls in here, am I right?" To emphasize her point, she unzipped her pants and pulled out a set of testicles that would have been perfectly at home on a trailer hitch.

Beth laughed. Lily gave the testicles a poke, which caused them to make a sloshing sound.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Beth asked, trying hard not to blush. Even though she knew it was just Lily screwing around, she was still looking at a weird version of Mike's ball sack.

"Told Mike I was gonna knock everybody up. Can I borrow your phone?"

Dubious, Beth handed over her cellphone while Lily rested her giant nutsack on the desk. Her tail appeared and took the phone, holding it away from them so that Lily could snap a few pictures.

"Try to look impressed or something. We should send these to Romeo later and try to squeeze a laugh out of him."

"You're incorrigible," Beth told her, but made her best surprised face with one hand just over her mouth.

"I'll look that word up later," Lily told her, then snapped a few. Death walked in as the pictures were being taken, only to do an immediate U-turn out of the office.

Beth and Lily laughed. Mike's features melted away so that Lily looked like herself. "You looked like you could use a laugh."

"I did. Nerves, I guess."

"Nah, it's not just that." Lily leaned back in her chair. "You're the head honcho now, the man of the house. You've got responsibilities to meet, and you're hoping to avoid what happened last time. Which, by the way, totally not your fault."

Beth shook her head. "This isn't a confidence thing. The house just feels surprisingly empty is all. If something goes down, are there enough people to help?"

"Hmm. The way I see it, the king has left the castle." Lily leaned forward in her chair with a smirk on her face. "But remember that the queen is the one with all the moves. It's been quiet for months, and if anyone is watching, we just have to confuse them until he gets back."

"I guess." Beth leaned back in her own chair as Death reappeared in the door.

"My apologies for the earlier intrusion," he said, then set a cup of tea in front of Beth. "You seemed to be rather busy."