Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all!

Annabelle Hawthorne here with the next installment of Book 7, Horny Monsters in Hawaii! And though we're not there yet, that is absolutely where we are going in the chapters ahead.

New to the story? Buckle up, because once upon a time, a magical nymph blew a dude in the bathtub. 97 chapters and 2.5 spinoff novels later, he finds himself in the center of a monster mystery that takes place on the beautiful island of Maui.

Returning reader? Welcome back! I hope to get back to a more normal schedule, the holidays suck the wind out of my sails for sure. I've almost written a hundred chapters of this tale (which blows my mind, honestly), and I have all of you to thank for your enthusiasm. I'll keep working hard as long as you keep reading.

Don't forget to leave stars and reviews on the way out, and I will update my bio soon to reflect next month's posting schedule. I'm usually pretty good about keeping it and will rarely delay a posting.

Anyway, I won't keep you any longer, because I'm sure you are psyched to see what happens when Mike has a sit down with those

Double Crossing Bastards

It was roughly an hour after breakfast when Ratu found Mike in his office. He looked up from his laptop and smiled at her. She wore a green silken dress with flowers embroidered along the hem. The petals of the flowers fluttered in an unseen breeze as the naga sat across from him, crossing her legs in such a manner that he got a peek at her toned, inner thighs.

"Well, this is a change of pace." He shut his laptop and leaned back in his chair. "I can't remember the last time you weren't in a kimono."

"I wear them because they're comfy and have pockets." She snapped her fingers. Carmina, one of the fairies, fluttered into the room and landed on the desk. The little red fairy bowed her head at Ratu and awaited orders.

"Please, inform Beth that I have arrived."

The fairy saluted, then shot out of the room, leaving a glittery trail in the air behind her.

"She seems overly obedient today. How did you manage that?"

Ratu smirked. "Naga's secret."

Mike snorted. "They'll just tell me later."

"Perhaps." She slid a hand into her cleavage, then withdrew a journal. Mike could see reality warp around the edges of the journal as it exited the dimensional pocket she had somehow sewn into her dress. "Did you hear back from Master Cyrus this morning? I am hoping he has some insight for us."

"He actually texted me last night before I could text him."

"What did it say?"

"I won't be meeting you for tea this week. The old job reached out and hired me to do some consultation. Afraid I'll be a complete stranger for the next couple weeks, so don't worry if you haven't heard from me." Mike was able to repeat the text from memory, since he had read it enough times.

"Sounds like the first part of the message is crystal clear. The Order tapped him for a job. But why the stranger comment?" Ratu opened up her journal and made a note to herself. "Do you think they're assigning him to Hawaii?"

"I don't know. But I imagine that whatever is going on, he doesn't want them knowing that he drops by at least twice a month for tea and chess." He gestured at her outfit. "Speaking of which, I assume you can get your clothes to behave when the Order comes by?"

Ratu lifted an eyebrow. "Perhaps, but I wonder if I should? They already know that the home is magic, that you have magic, and that there are magical beings who live here."

"But aren't you worried that they'll target you or something?"

Ratu shook her head. "I'm a naga. They have dealt with my kind for centuries. As long as I don't call attention to myself, they should see me as an ally."

"But you said something last night, about how they were the reason you were in hiding."

"Ah. That." She sighed and stared at the ceiling. "I'm not sure that's something I'm ready to talk about yet. I was involved in a very unpleasant... incident that caught the attention of the Order. During their investigation, I was forced to flee my home and go into hiding. Not long after, I found a home here, away from prying eyes." Ratu lowered her gaze, her eyes smoldering. "But I was all alone, back then. Even if he did remember me, I wear a different face now and have a new family, one that will stand up for me should I need them."

"That you do." Beth spoke from the doorway, then entered the room. Mike was suddenly distracted by her outfit. She wore a blue pencil skirt with a sheer blouse that revealed the bra beneath. When Beth pulled up a chair to sit, he got a brief glimpse of her cleavage as she leaned forward.

"Your eyes are going to fall out of your head," Ratu told him. "Honestly, you should be used to this by now."

Mike's cheeks burned as Beth laughed. "Was he looking down my shirt?" she asked.

"He was."

"Good." Beth crossed her legs opposite of Ratu's. "If my magic works on him, then it should absolutely overwhelm anyone the Order sends."

"Wait a second." Mike opened his third eye to get a look at Beth's soul as well as her magic. He could see the lavender loops of light that had extended from her and wrapped around his head. Ratu's head was noticeably clear of magical activity. "Are you targeting just me?"

"I am." Beth smiled, and the loops of light retracted. "I know better than to try this sort of thing on Ratu."

"Indeed." The naga smiled. "You should be more wary of others, Caretaker. We need to work on your defenses."

Mike sighed. He wasn't sure whether it had been nymph magic or the simple fact that Beth had a phenomenal pair of breasts. "I guess so. It was very distracting."

"And that's what we want. If I've learned one thing about the Order, it's that they have a penchant for underestimating what they don't understand. If they knew you could grab someone's soul and yank it from their body, they would have just put a bullet between your eyes." Ratu steepled her hands together. "We are playing a game of deception here. Anything we give them will eventually be used against us, mark my words. As I said earlier, they know you have magic, but not what kind."

He nodded. This was perhaps the fourth variation of this speech he had heard from somebody. Still, it was far better than the ass-blistering verbal assault he had received from Zel about Callisto's involvement at the park. He didn't even blame her for being mad. Afterward, with Zel's words ringing fresh in his ears, he went to the roof with a six pack of beer and sat quietly while Death spent an hour talking about his new favorite Netflix show.

The trio spent about half an hour discussing potential strategies, then moved outside to await the arrival of the Order at the table in the gazebo that had been built as an extension of the front porch. Well over a dozen centaurs were busy tending the massive garden below them, but the geas would likely make them look like gardeners to anyone Mike didn't personally invite into his home.

Right on time, a pair of SUVs pulled between the stone lions and onto the private drive that led up to his home. The lions would only activate if hostile magic was detected. So as long as their visitors were on their best behavior, they wouldn't be torn to shreds. The paved loop ended at a retaining wall well over a hundred and fifty feet from the front door. Ever since a car had been rammed into his front porch, he had made certain to put in contingency plans to avoid further structural damage.

Both vehicles parked at the retaining wall. Ingrid and the men from yesterday got out of one SUV while a group of men and women got out of the other. Mike frowned when he recognized Cyrus in the group.

"Don't say anything," Ratu muttered, then reached over and squeezed Mike's knee beneath the table. "Assume they can read lips or magically hear you from this point forward. Also, one of them is carrying a stone of truth. They will know if someone lies."

He nodded, then stood to greet their guests when they got near. Ingrid, Cyrus, and the aggressive lackey from yesterday walked up the hill toward the gazebo while the other members of the Order spread out across the massive yard. It was immediately apparent that they were inspecting his property, but he couldn't be certain for what.

"Thank you for coming," he said with a fake smile. "Please, have a seat."

Ingrid nodded, then took a chair opposite from Mike. The other man and Cyrus sat down.

"You have a lot more people than yesterday," Mike said. "You expecting trouble from me?"

The lackey snorted. Ingrid threw him a dirty look, then turned toward Mike. "Not really. They're here as part of today's discussion."

"Okay then. Let's discuss." Mike sat down. "By the way, introductions are in order. Ingrid, this is Beth, my attorney."

Ingrid leaned across the table and shook hands with Beth. Mike could feel her magic washing outward, and saw that Ingrid's eyes dipped to Beth's breasts.

"And this woman over here is Ratu."

"Is this also your attorney?" The lackey gave Ratu an appraising look. "What firm are you hiring from?"

"She's more like a spiritual advisor, matters of the soul and all that." Mike bit his tongue before saying any more. He could sense the animosity washing off of the guy. "I find that it's cheaper than having an attack dog who barks all the time."

This got a smirk from the man. "My name is Wallace. I'm Ingrid's partner."

"You'll have to forgive Wallace. He can be an asshole six days a week." Ingrid gestured to Cyrus. "This is Master Cyrus. He's a specialist in dimensional magic."

"Mr. Radley." Cyrus rose and shook Mike's hand. The tiny scrap of paper in Cyrus' palm had something sticky on it that made it easier for Mike to hide as he withdrew his hand.

"Well, thank you again for meeting us here. This is a far better place for a chat than the local playground." Mike paused as Lily walked up with a large serving dish and a carafe of coffee. The dish had several different sweets along with mugs for everyone. Everyone but Ingrid grabbed something from the tray while Lily made herself comfortable in an empty chair.

"And who is this?" Wallace asked. "We have your attorney and your priest, so I wonder if she's your servant?"

"That's Lily. She's my intern." Beth toyed with the collar of her blouse, which caused the top button to come undone. "She might take some notes while we speak. My memory is good, but I like having a written copy for review."

"Interesting." Wallace smirked. "Do you all live here with Mike?"

"No, of course not." Beth grinned at Wallace. "What would the neighbors think?"

"I do," Ratu conceded. "This home is a safe haven for me."

"Safe from what?" Ingrid asked.

"It's a big world," Ratu replied. "Speaking of worlds, why do we need a dimensional expert at our table?"

Cyrus cleared his throat and leaned forward. "Mr. Radley, we understand that you have offered to help the Order with its mission in Hawaii. We are under the assumption that the magic of your home is somehow tied to your well being."

"Go on." Mike was insanely curious what the scrap of paper in his hand said, but knew better than to look now. He noticed that Lily was desperately trying to make eye contact with the old man and her blouse had also come unbuttoned at the top. She had a pencil and paper, but all she'd done so far was draw stick figures with dicks for heads.

"With your absence here, the Order has generously decided to leave behind a team to ensure the security of your home." Cyrus held up a hand before Mike could protest. "And I have no doubts that you have magical defenses of your own. In fact, I am fully aware that a magical enchantment is preventing us from seeing the true nature of your gardening staff. For example, that young man over there."

Mike turned his head to where Cyrus pointed. Suly stood at a nearby bush, pruning some roses that had bloomed earlier in the week. The dullahan waved at everybody and blew Beth a kiss before continuing his work, all while black mist leaked from the slit in his neck.

"He kind of looks like a discount Edward Scissorhands," Wallace mumbled.

"And I suspect his pale countenance is related to his magical genealogy." Cyrus turned back to the table. "It is clear you have a community here. One of our missions is to ensure that magical communities remain safe from outside threats. Once you join our efforts, there exists the possibility that someone who seeks to exploit these individuals will become aware of your home and come snooping around."

"It kind of feels like you're the ones who are snooping around." Lily pointed to a member of the Order who disappeared into the hedge maze. "How can we be sure that you aren't here to exploit the locals?"

"You can't." Cyrus sat back and sighed. "But trust needs to start somewhere. We are trusting that you can actually assist us with our problem in Hawaii. Time and effort have already gone into making preparations for you to join the team that will push up to the crater and examine the threat. We know very little about you or the creatures who live here. What better way to build relations with the Order than to allow our people to set up a small security team to ensure that everything remains safe during your absence?"

"Or you could just fuck off." Lily picked up her coffee and sipped it. "Since you're worried about time and effort and all of that."

"Do you let your intern speak for you?" Wallace asked, his cheeks turning red.

Mike shrugged. "It's so hard to find good help these days. Besides, I like the mouth on this one."

Cyrus cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Look. I understand that we're just a bunch of strangers who have arrived on your doorstep, Mr. Radley, but we have come to you with open hands in the hopes that--" Cyrus reached for his coffee and promptly dropped it on the edge of the table. The mug exploded, sending shards of ceramic and coffee everywhere.

Wallace and Ingrid immediately grabbed napkins to hand to Cyrus. Mike looked down at the piece of paper in his hand. It was a list with five items on it.

Establish contact

Assess potential threats

Try to arrange tour of grounds

Inspect boundaries of geas/enchantment

Arrange travel itinerary for Radley family

The third item had a star next to it and had been underlined. Mike crumpled the paper up and stuffed it in his pocket as the Order team quickly settled. Beth had leaned forward to hand them more napkins, and both Wallace and Ingrid were having a tough time not looking down her shirt.

Cyrus was trying to tell Mike something, but couldn't, not with the Order around. Even the list had been innocuous enough that Mike realized the mage might be worried he would be found out. Still, the message had been received. Mike sighed dramatically and stared up at the roof of the gazebo as everyone settled, then looked at Cyrus.

"I have some apprehension over leaving an armed force at my doorstep," he admitted, choosing his words carefully. "Yes, my home has certain defenses. Serious efforts have been made to break inside."

"Oh?" Wallace perked up.

Mike waved him off. "Look, there's a lot to accomplish today, but I can tell you right now that I am stuck on this idea of extra security in particular. Perhaps a compromise is in order. If you would allow me to show Mister Cyrus around, he can tell me more about what it is you all can do for me to bolster my defenses. In the meantime, you two can make travel arrangements with Beth and Ratu about Hawaii. I trust their judgment."

Ingrid nodded eagerly, then looked at her partner. "I feel this is the best use of our time."

"Lily?" Mike looked at the succubus and grinned. "I saw that one of the Order wandered into the hedge maze earlier. Will you please double-check and make sure the Jabberwock hasn't eaten him?"

Lily held back a grin as she rose, then grabbed three donuts.

"I'm sorry, a what now?" Wallace looked uncomfortable. "Did you say jabberwocky?"

"Jabberwock," Mike replied. "And yes, we have one."

"And you just, what, didn't feel like mentioning it?" Ingrid looked like she was going to rip his head off.

Mike shrugged. "I don't mention lots of things. As long as your guy doesn't provoke it, there won't be a problem. Since you didn't come here to start a fight, I wasn't worried. Mister Cyrus, shall we?"

"It's Master Cyrus," the mage replied, moving uncharacteristically slow. The two of them wandered away from the gazebo and toward the far edge of the property. The centaurs watched them with curiosity as they crossed the lawn and approached the tall stone barrier that separated his property from the neighbor's. To be honest, the sheer size of his home looked ridiculous in comparison to the nearby houses. A long-term project he had been working on was to buy up the surrounding homes so that he could eventually gate off the road leading to his house. Other than the house across the street, the rest of his block was still adamant that they weren't going to sell, and Mike wasn't about to force them out.

"So you think your people can help us protect this place?" Mike asked, unsure how to begin.

"Not in the slightest," Cyrus replied with zero humor in his eyes. "In fact, this is a planned deception."

"Beg pardon?" Mike noticed that one of the Order's women was nearby. He kept an easy expression on his face so she wouldn't come any closer.

"They originally came for your help, this much is true. However, the higher ups want what's on your property and decided to use your absence to acquire it. They are putting me in charge of a team." Cyrus scratched at his whiskers and inspected the stone wall as if it were a work of art.

"And?" Mike didn't know what else to say.

"This doesn't sit well with me. Something isn't right." Cyrus moved along the wall, his back now to the front yard. Mike fell in step beside him. "In the past, we've made such moves, but nothing so blatantly duplicitous. You explained to me once that nobody could enter without your permission, yes?"

"This is true," Mike admitted.

"Good. Because under no circumstances should you grant it. Since the Order is planning to double cross yo...do you have any idea how deep the barrier goes? I imagine the geas is a giant sphere." Cyrus' tone shifted.

Mike realized the shift meant they were being scryed. "I can't say for certain, honestly. I've never seen the bottom of it, but the top seems domed."

"Which makes sense, because spherical symmetry is far more efficient than--" Cyrus frowned. "Sorry. I'm not entirely sure whether it is you or me they are watching."

"Don't worry about it."

"Like I was saying, we should make preparations. I need you to agree on allowing us a ground team, or something nearby. Remain suspicious of our intentions, otherwise they will think this was suddenly too easy." Cyrus abruptly changed topic again and asked Mike about weather anomalies, whether the home had ever changed shape, and if his water came from the city or some unknown source beneath the home. Mike answered the questions he could, then came up with some of his own that pertained to Order security.

They had walked around the perimeter of the building in time to see one of the Order agents staring into the open door of the greenhouse. Mike casually jogged over in time to see the agent's face go blank as if he forgot what he was doing. When he saw Mike and Cyrus approaching, he gave a polite nod and wandered off.

"That was weird," Cyrus commented.

"Satisfy my curiosity. When you look in the greenhouse, what do you see?"

Intrigued, Cyrus opened the door and looked inside. His face screwed up in concentration and his eyes kept going blank.

"That you need to prune back some of your plants," Cyrus muttered, then closed the door.

Mike suppressed a laugh. The interior of the greenhouse was essentially a different world, and Cyrus had been unable to see it. They had experimented with the geas on a few different occasions, such as having Cyrus look in the windows of the house, but Mike had never brought the mage to the backyard. Ever since he had upgraded the magical enchantment protecting his home with a drop of Santa's blood, he had yet to discover any gaps.