Home for Horny Monsters

Hi all, I'm back to bring you the next exciting installment of "a bunch of horny monsters fighting and fucking to advance the plot!"

New to the series? This is a story about a man who had sex with a nymph, got bonded to a magical house, married a goblin, boned a gargoyle to save himself from a plant, seduced a succubus while trapped inside a dream, then may or may not have fucked a banshee shortly after battling an angry witch (who he also fucked), and then had 58 more chapters worth of adventures.

Returning reader? Welcome back! I have so enjoyed sharing this story with everyone here on Lit and want to thank all of you for your support and enthusiasm over the years. Clicking stars and leaving comments helps other readers find this tale, and it's so much fun to get messages from new readers who are discovering Mike and the gang for the first time. Don't forget to follow me for release notifications, or just check my bio for when I have scheduled releases. I'm not an organized person by nature, but I do try really hard to stick to the calendar.

Anyway, time to see who this owl-woman is and maybe find out what Beth has planned for the horsemen. This chapter is all about

Taking Risks

They walked through the forest. The owl-woman had transformed back into her bird form and was leading them along a winding path. Around them, the Nirumbi chirped quietly as they watched the motley crew march through the snow, the crunching of the ice beneath their feet disturbed only by the sound of Mike eagerly slurping down yet another can of soup.

"Ugh, I hate split pea and ham," he declared, handing the empty can to Bigfoot, who crushed the can flat between his hands. Bigfoot stuck the flattened can in a small cloth bag he carried that was emblazoned with the wordsCamp It In, Camp It Out.

"Are you done yet?" Bigfoot asked, wiping his hands clean with snow.

"Hell, no. I saved the best for last." Mike swiveled his backpack around, reaching inside to grab a can of New England Clam Chowder. He popped the top and handed it over to Yuki, who heated it up with her foxfire. Steam rose from the can as the soup was heated to a level of perfection that a microwave could only dream of.

"I don't know how you can stand to eat that garbage." Bigfoot shook his head in disgust. "It's like someone who's never eaten clam chowder tried to replicate it. And you're lucky if you get more than one bit of clam."

"You're lucky I couldn't carry more." Mike's stomach growled as if in agreement, and he took the can from Yuki and started drinking it. He had already handed her another can of clam chowder to heat up.

Upon the announcement that the Nirumbi had returned with a shapeshifting owl, Mike had gone outside to greet them. Though he had his doubts, the owl-woman had seemed sincere and he needed to get home as soon as possible. Some doubts had been voiced, but it was ultimately decided that the risk was worth taking.

After loading up his bag with as much soup as possible, the group set out. The Nirumbi had watched silently from the trees until Dana emerged from the cabin. Her eyes no longer glowed from within, but they were rimmed with crimson. She looked almost human again, but the Nirumbi gave her an exceptionally wide berth.

Bigfoot used portals to speed their journey as the owl flew ahead of them. The sensation of the forest shifting around them made Mike a little nauseous at first, but he was too hungry to give it much attention.

"So what can you tell me about the goblin king up there?" Mike nodded in the direction of the owl. "An old friend of yours?"

"Is that aLabyrinthreference?" A smile tugged at Bigfoot's mouth.

"Might be." Mike swallowed a good amount of his can, regretting that he didn't have any crackers.

Velvet appeared next to them, then wrapped an arm around Bigfoot's waist. "Do you remember that movie, Uncle Foot?"

"You two must have watched it a thousand times." Bigfoot's eyes crinkled in the corners. "The two of you would take turns being the girl from that movie. I was usually...was it Ludo?"

"It was." Velvet looked at Mike. "We would take him to the bog of eternal stench, which was just the hot spring, and take turns rescuing each other."

Bigfoot chuckled. "We had to stop watching it when Vee got older. She developed quite the crush on David Bowie."

Mike laughed. "Her and everyone else."

"I busted her kissing him on the TV when the movie was paused." Bigfoot immediately sidestepped through a portal just as Velvet tried to smack him. He reappeared twenty feet in front of them, only to vanish again when she tried to hit him with a snowball.

"Uncle Foot, you take that back!" She was remarkably quick, and her actions upset the Nirumbi watching them. They hooted before vanishing into the woods, leaving only the owl to watch their antics.

Bigfoot spent a couple of minutes making kissing sounds before Velvet nailed him with a snowball right in the face. Laughing, he waited for them to catch up, then scooped some snow out of his beard and rubbed it in Velvet's hair.

"So about this owl-woman..." Mike muttered.

"Right, sorry." Bigfoot's grin turned to a frown. "She is not a friend of mine. Some years ago, she and her sisters were well known for terrorizing the tribes. They ate anything they could get their hands on, people included, so they were hunted until only two were left. Early last century, they stole a boy from one of the villages. The boy escaped and ran home to tell the elders where the sisters lived. I was under the impression that they had both been killed, yet one survives."

"Definitely not a friend, then." He continued walking, then turned to look behind. Yuki was fine as she walked on top of the snow. Dana trudged forward without any problem. Quetzalli, however, struggled. She was sinking into the snow up to her shins and was obviously tired.

He slammed the rest of his soup and took the last can from Yuki. When Quetzalli caught up with him, he offered it to her and then slid a hand around her waist. "Here, let's walk together."

She smiled and took a sip of the can. "Oh, gods, this is just salt and cream," she exclaimed. "And was that a clam? What's wrong with it? It tastes like someone else ate it already!"

She handed the can back, and he took it.

"More for me, I guess." He bet Tink would have loved it. They had some differences in opinion when it came to cuisine, but he could easily imagine the goblin chugging a can of the stuff in between projects. He really hoped she was okay. As soon as thoughts about the house entered his head, he promptly shut them out. Worry and fear would paralyze him, and he needed his mind in here and now to deal with whatever was coming.

As they crunched through the wilderness, he heard snippets of words nearby. They were solitary thoughts, barely audible in the cold, dark of night. It was the spiders of the woods, just trying to survive until daybreak when they could warm back up and hunt for food.

But it wasn't just the spiders he sensed. Whenever he moved close to the trees, he was under the impression that they were listening. On a few occasions, he would put his hand out to either steady himself on a trunk or move a branch, and he could have sworn that he felt the tree shift beneath his touch.

"Are their dryads out here?" he asked, looking at Bigfoot.

"Nope," Velvet answered. "It's always just been us."

"But the trees..." He looked at a nearby pine. Though it looked like an ordinary tree, he could almost feel its presence in his mind. "It almost feels like they're watching me."

Bigfoot nodded. "The land watches you, Caretaker, as it watches us all. There are many spirits that reside in nature, many of which cannot be perceived. Each tree is alive in every sense of the word. They think and feel for themselves, much like children. Together, they make up the mind of the forest."

"Like a hive?" A chill went up his back.

"In a way. Everything out here is connected, Caretaker. This is an important thing for you to understand." Bigfoot put his hand on a fallen log. "I am very surprised that you can feel it, though."

Amymone. Sex with the dryad had apparently come with a perk of its own. Did the women he slept with gain something from him? Cecilia had that little red streak in her hair, but what about Lily? Or Naia for that matter? He looked at Quetzalli, Velvet, and then Dana. What part of his soul had he given to them? Peering up into the sky, it occurred to him that Abella seemed no different than when he had met her.

He should probably be keeping a little black book with this information in it, but he hated the idea of carrying around his own personal fantasy fuck-list.

The more they walked, the more he could feel the forest. He no longer felt like the trees were watching him, but that they were reaching toward him. When he first heard the whispers, he thought it was just more spiders suffering through their eight-legged anxieties, which were largely narrowed down to eat, hide, and build.

However, the longer he was steeped in these thoughts, the more he realized how much he missed the sun. He longed to feel its rays across his body, and to soak in the cold, trickling water that would come from the melting ice. To feel thunder booming through him as the spring rains came, to feel the songs of the forest embrace him, and--

A heavy hand gripped him by the shoulder, snapping him out of his reverie. It was Bigfoot wearing a smile on his face.

"Perhaps, when this is over, I can teach you to listen to the trees without losing yourself." He gave Mike a firm squeeze. Mike looked around and realized that they were somewhere new. How long had he been lost in thought?

"I would like that," he replied.

"It is an honor to speak with the forest," Bigfoot told him. "Never do anything to break that bond, for it is sacred and the forest will remember."

He nodded, and they all continued.

Guided by starlight and foxfire, they finally arrived at a small rock formation surrounded by snow-dusted bushes. The owl landed just ahead and transformed back into a humanoid, her dark eyes devoid of emotion. Before them, the night sky had been blotted out by a mountain.

"We are here," she announced. Mike couldn't help noticing that Bigfoot looked around with grim recognition.

The owl-woman raised her arms and waved. Around them, the forest shifted as creatures slowly revealed themselves. Most of them were beast-like, but almost all were frightening to behold. A large bear with no fur and an oversized head regarded Mike with bared teeth. Above the rocks, a large eagle with a moose head landed, then stood to reveal the body of a man. More than a few serpents circled the area, but they all remained back.

"If this is an ambush..." Yuki growled, but the owl-woman held up a hand for silence.

"This is not an ambush. We have brought you here so that you can see our numbers. Other than the Nirumbi, none of us here were part of the assault on your home." The owl-woman chirped softly, and a few Nirumbi came forward. "Time is short. We must descend into the earth."

"Why can't we talk out here?" Mike asked.

"There is much to discuss," replied the owl-woman. "And you must see to understand."

Mike looked at the others. Uncertainty was written on their faces, but Bigfoot nodded.

"I know these caves well," Bigfoot explained. "If they hope to lose us, I can get us out. I believe I know what we have come here to see."

Mike nodded, then looked at the others. "At the first sign of trouble, you know what to do."

"There will be no trouble, Caretaker." The owl-woman hopped down from the rocks and landed silently on the snowy ground. Her feathers swirled around her like a cloak. "You have survived the Nirumbi's arrows and they now believe you to be one of the forest gods, like Bigfoot. Your companions are frightening, but the one who eats the dead frightens them the most."

Dana raised an eyebrow. "Technically, anyone who eats meat eats the dead."

"Do you know why the Nirumbi eat their own dead?" The owl-woman stepped back toward one of the bushes, then grabbed a branch and pulled it to reveal a narrow opening. "By eating the flesh of their dead, they gain the strength of the fallen warriors. You consumed the flesh of many of their warriors while they lived, which is even more powerful, but considered taboo. They fear the strength you have gained."

Dana smirked, then made a fist. Hidden in the trees, the Nirumbi chirped in fear, then went silent.

"Good. They should be afraid. Shall we?" Dana went first, ducking her head to go through the opening. Mike looked at the others, then up toward the sky. Abella hadn't bothered landing, but now circled even higher than before. It was clear she intended to keep watch.

"Time is of the essence, Caretaker." The owl-woman regarded him with mysterious eyes that reflected the starlight. "If you wish to beat the Devil of Jersey--"

"Yeah, yeah." He crouched down and moved forward into the darkness. If it meant defeating Leeds and getting home, he would walk through fire if need be.

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"Well? What do you think?" Beth frowned nervously at Opal, who was perusing a copy of Risk's instruction manual and the sheet of notebook paper where Beth had written her own ideas. The slime frowned as if in deep thought, then nodded her assent.

I think it could work, she signed.But you will have to be careful with the wording. The angel will take the agreement literally.

"Indeed." She stood and moved toward the window. They were sitting in the lounge with the Egyptian artifacts pushed aside to make room for everyone. The various books and pictures had been stacked on top of each other so that they could cram the statues and assorted items onto the shelves where they would be out of the way.

With the deadline looming, she wanted to be able to see the horsemen in case they arrived early. After her lengthy discussion with Reggie and Jenny, she had chosen this room to sit down and draft out her plan. Lily had read over it and pronounced the whole thing insane, but believed it could work. Needing further assurance, Beth had brought it to Opal. Though she still had lingering doubts, she couldn't help but trust Death's instincts about the now sentient ooze.

Opal thumped on her tub to get Beth's attention.I do foresee at least one problem. Can you trust Jenny to stick with the plan?

Beth licked her lips, then nodded. "Jenny is a lot of things, but she loves this house in her own way."

But you're basing this whole thing off the Clue incident. Opal frowned, and then ripples appeared along the surface of her body.This is like playing Russian Roulette with a nuclear weapon instead of a gun.

"I know. But unless you have a better idea, this is what we've got." She looked over at Tink, who was still grinning in her sleep. The blanket they had covered her with was slipping off, so Beth adjusted it. Noticing that the goblin was still wearing her goggles, she slipped them off of her head, and sat down on the couch.

"Tick Tock, keep these safe?" She held the goggles out and the bag at her feet opened its mouth, dropping them into the unknown. She then looked at the Grimoire. She had set it on the table, a large slab of black marble with no legs that had hieroglyphics carved into the edges. It had been covered in a bunch of magazines that Death had borrowed from the Library, but Beth had put those away a bit ago. The Grimoire was next to a glass of milk and a plate of mostly frozen Eggos. The chill in the house meant that they would take forever to thaw, but she needed something to smear peanut butter on.

Sighing, she stared at the Grimoire. The cover was embossed with an apple, and the thick binding made it feel heavy. She picked it up and opened it to a random page, which was blank.

"If you had the ability to use magic," she said, directing her question to Opal, "but could only learn one thing, what would it be?"

I wouldn't mind being able to walk,Opal signed.

"That makes sense." This book held so many secrets, but it also held knowledge she could readily use. The words within would allow her to tap into the universe itself, to master the elements or maybe even reality itself. Naia and the others had explained that there were issues with taking shortcuts, but she had cast the spell in the basement without any problems. So why couldn't she just learn a few basic spells now that would speed along her growth?

Opal thumped her tub, then mimed fire coming out of her eyes once Beth was looking.

"Yeah, there was that." She closed the book again. "But I don't want to look up any Words of Creation. What about something simple, like a light spell? Or flight? Do you remember when the shadow used this book to cast that ball of light that blasted holes through everything?"

That's not a memory I have,responded Opal.

"I keep hearing that magic has a price, but I'm not really seeing it."

Not all costs are things we can measure.Opal paused for a moment, as if deep in thought.Look at Ratu, for example. Vast knowledge of enchantment. Powerful sorceress. But why is she living in the Labyrinth? Why not have her own castle somewhere?

"Hmm." It wasn't something Beth had thought of. "You don't suppose it's just personal preference?"

I doubt it.Opal paused, her face rippling violently.In a way, I am the cost of magic. You have helped create a thinking being. Are you not responsible for my well-being? Think about the basic ethics of the situation.

Beth shook her head. "I didn't cast a spell with you as a by-product. You were the result of a very strange sequence of events."

Again, you're thinking in terms of things we can measure. How do you explain Emily? Her obsession with magic led to her downfall.

"She got possessed, that's..." Beth paused. Emily had been attempting to gain magical knowledge which had led to her being possessed by the shadow, who then wore her body like a meat puppet. "Using magic doesn't always extract a price. Sometimes, it's the act of obtaining it that can lead to negative ramifications."

I think you've got it.Opal relaxed and slid most of the way back into her tub.Whatever you decide to learn from that book may change you. But you won't know until after it happens. Lily wasn't prepared to learn a Word of Creation and look at what it did to her.

"You're right." Beth contemplated the book again. It was a decision that warranted some thinking. The spell she had cast in the basement had been easy enough, and she didn't doubt there were hundreds more. It was a book capable of opening right to the spell you needed, the ultimate shortcut. She could see why the Society and the shadow had wanted it. Immense power waited for any who were ready to seek it out.

She bit into her frozen Eggo and blanched. Even with peanut butter, it didn't taste great. Contemplating her meal, her gaze slid over to the Grimoire. Would there be a spell that could cook her food? Surely a spell that low-key wouldn't extract too big a toll.

Five minutes later, Beth stood over the smouldering remains of a pair of burnt Eggos and a smoking blanket. Luckily, the fire hadn't been magic in nature, allowing her to beat out the flames with a nearby blanket.

"That was stupid," Kisa told her, which made her jump.

"You saw that?" Beth realized it was a dumb question as soon as she asked it. Kisa hadn't left Tink's side, and the goblin snored quietly on the couch. The look on Kisa's face made it clear that she thought it was a dumb question as well. She picked up the Grimoire and ran her thumb along the edges.

"Every time I see you with this book, it makes me wonder. For instance, if there is a spell in here that could turn me back? Or maybe one to restore my memories." She opened it up to a random page, revealing a series of silvered letters that beckoned to them both. "And do you know what it reminds me of?"