Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here, and I have returned from the dead!

Okay, I wasn't actually dead, just mostly dead. Hence, I went on a vacation! It was a really swell time. I laughed, I ate, I drank plenty of water (and booze), it was amazing. I even booked myself a massage. The masseuse was really nice, but kept asking if I liked happy endings and got real confused when I replied that I typically prefer cliffhangers. Either way, now I understand why the Yelp reviews for that parlor are all across the board.

New reader? Welcome to the chaos! Once upon a time, our hero got a BJ from a nymph in a bathtub. Now he's battling a vampyr nest in Avalon with the help of Cerberus, who he fucked so hard they became a human.

Confused? If you're aroused by it, keep going, I won't shame. Otherwise, start at Chapter 001 (I get three numbers like James Fucking Bond) and we'll see you back here in a few hours.

Returning readers? Welcome back! I'm so sorry that I've been stretched thin like this, but the full time writing gig required me to divert my attention, much like a parent with several children. You'll be happy to know that I have returned feeling far more refreshed, and that massage loosened up my neck and shoulders, which allow me to better threaten the goblin who dictates all this for me (editor's note: we prefer the term little green men, but aliens took that from us).

I had a few people email me asking when stuff was coming out. Please remember to check my bio, I usually keep it updated with everything you might need to know (and some things you don't).

A huge thanks to the beta team, including Lit's own, TJ Skywind. Thanks to everyone who not only leaves stars and comments, but who share this tale with others. This story has literally changed my life, and it sounds like it's had a positive effect on some of you as well (I love reading those letters, btw, not for ego purposes, but because you all sound so happy).

There's another group of people I would super like to thank, but they have to remain mysterious for now. I've tried to figure out a way to do it, but ended up spending several hours just

Chasing Loopholes

"Archduchess Bethany?"

Beth lifted her head off of Mike's desk, a piece of paper stuck to her forehead. She flicked the offending piece of paper off, her bleary eyes focusing on the spectre of Death standing in the doorway. The Reaper was holding two cups of tea along with a small stack of mail tucked underneath his arm.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"It is almost three in the afternoon," Death said. "You fell asleep about an hour ago."

"Oh." Beth yawned and leaned back in her chair to stretch. She paused with her hands stretched toward the ceiling, her stomach briefly exposed beneath the soft white fabric of her sweater. "Wait. Archduchess?"

"I'm running out of titles to try," he replied.

"That one requires me to be married or a widow," Beth told him. "It does sound cool, but doesn't work."

"Ah." Death sounded disappointed. "Anyway, I got the mail." He walked over to set it on the desk. "I'm afraid it's all junk."

"How are things out there?" asked Beth.

"Grim." Death handed her one of the tea cups. "An odd mist has appeared around the property. I tried to count how many Fae warriors were there and gave up. They won't hold still."

"Did they say anything to you?" she asked.

"More of the same. Where is the Caretaker? Give us the girl. Dance with us." Death shook his head. "They are perfectly aware that they cannot harm me, nor can I harm them. The neighbors haven't noticed anything, but people are getting harassed by the Fae at the park down the road."

"Cheeky fuckers," Beth muttered. "Have...has anybody in the neighborhood gone missing?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Death scratched at the top of his head. "It's only a matter of time, though. Faerie rings have started appearing in the area. They weren't too happy when I destroyed them."

"How did you do that?" asked Beth.

"The little scythe." Death reached into his cloak and produced a miniature version of the wicked blade he normally carried. "It's great for precision work."

"Why do you even have a blade that small?"

"You should see the one I have for insects." Death grinned. "It's a mite smaller."

Beth narrowed her eyes. "Please don't," she warned.

"If it bugs you, I'll stop." Death sipped at his tea, a satisfied grin on his face.

"Do insects even have souls?" asked Beth. "Is there an afterlife for them?"

"Ah. A great question." Death stared ahead at the wall as he played with the teabag in his mug. "They are alive, but lack any true spiritual cohesion. Their soul, for lack of a better word, is made up of the same stuff as yours, but there's not nearly enough of it. The lifeforce they possess doesn't move on. It simply continues in a perpetual cycle. Perhaps as the universe comes to an end, this energy will have nowhere left to go and move on to the next realm, or simply fade away with the final breath of the last star in the sky."

"That..." Beth swallowed the lump in her throat. "Sounds kind of awful."

"The end of anything is rarely seen as pretty, archmage Bethany." Death lifted a bony brow. "Is that title okay?"

"It's better, but I'm not technically a mage. Are you looking these up online or something?"

"Er...maybe."

"Well, I appreciate you trying." Beth turned to the closest window. It had fogged up on the outside, and dark forms shifted around it. They occasionally would drag sharp fingers across the glass, creating symbols that attempted to grab at Beth's attention. Even though the Fae couldn't cross the boundary into the house, it didn't mean she was immune to some of their less tangible magical effects. Yuki had been forced to drag her away from a similar rune yesterday after Beth had stared at it so long that she started drooling.

Death was the only one who could safely go outside. Even Naia avoided going to her fountain, just in case they tried to influence her there. The only one particularly vulnerable was Amymone, who slept deep inside of her tree. However, the Fae were currently dead set on Grace or her father, and likely knew that harming Amymone would be considered a massive enough breach that even their queen would condemn them.

Titania. Beth thought about the Queen of the Fae and let out a sigh. If only they could speak with her directly, maybe they could get her to rein in her citizens.

Luckily, nobody in the home was going stir crazy. Their pocket dimension in Hawaii remained unbreached, and none of the centaurs reported any issues after closing up the greenhouse. Things at the cabin were different, however. The Fae were snooping around there, but had done nothing to disturb the Nirumbi, who had greeted them correctly as visitors.

This siege was unlike the others that had come to their home in that they could theoretically just ignore the Fae and go on with their lives. However, there was a massive caveat. Once Mike returned to the mortal realm, he would likely be captured and questioned. Grace would be unable to return to the cabin, not until the Fae could ask her about their missing citizens, and Beth did not trust them to do so politely.

The little Arachne's answers regarding the Fae had been enigmatic enough that Beth suspected something quite major had happened, but Grace had downplayed the truth for reasons unknown. Hopefully her father would have a better way of getting through to her.

Eulalie had shut down the Library a couple of days ago, closing off access to everyone. This was largely to keep the Fae from finding a backdoor into the house that they could use, but was also due to some trouble the Arachne had gotten into involving a witch. For now, it was better to keep the Library's witch problem from overlapping with the home's Fae issues.

"Anything else I should know?" asked Beth.

Death nodded. "I did see Order operatives in the area."

"What?" Beth felt her heart leap into her chest.

"They aren't here for us." Death gestured toward the window. "These events have not gone unnoticed. I spent some time with a nice young mage named Daniella, once she stopped screaming and running away. The Order has been informed that this is a house issue and not remotely our fault. Yet, the Fae may cause issues."

Beth nervously sipped at her tea and let out a groan. "I really hate that those assholes are even here," she said. She had it on rather good authority that the Order had no intention of fucking around with the Radley house anymore, but it wouldn't be the first time the Order had changed their mind. "So are they sticking around to help us?"

"No. Once they learned the truth of their mission, I was informed that all Order operations in the area would cease immediately. For some reason, they have no desire to tangle with either us or the Fae." The Grim Reaper shook his head in disappointment. "This seems rather anti-ethical with their original mission statement."

"Antithetical," Beth corrected, then smirked when she realized something. "How far through the dictionary are you?"

Death shrugged. "Not very. I wished to expand my vocabulary and learned that most of the bigger words are the grammatical equivalent of a bar trick. The majority of people don't seem to understand them enough to properly appreciate them, and I don't seek to mingle with only self-identified intellectuals."

"So you got bored?"

"Perhaps disinterested is a better term. Maybe even fatigued." The Reaper stuck a hand in his pocket and pulled out a biscotto, which was still wrapped in plastic. "I took these from a local coffee shop. Would you like one?"

"When you say took, I hope you meant paid."

Death shrugged. "The woman at the counter refused to look at me. I put enough money on the counter and left. It's not up to me to grease every cog in the wheel of commerce. I will note, however, that I did not leave a tip."

Beth laughed far harder than she should have. The sheer silliness of the exchange was such a juxtaposition to the stress of the last several days that it was the perfect outlet for everything that had been building up inside.

Her laughter was cut short by the sound of someone pounding a fist on their front door. She rolled her eyes and was almost to the living room when Yuki beat her to the door.

"I've got this one," muttered the kitsune. She snapped her fingers, and the temperature in the room dropped as a crown of ice formed on her head. The kitsune pulled the door open and glared at a figure made of stone and mud that now stood on their front porch.

"Hospitality," the creature demanded, gravel falling out of its mouth when it spoke.

"The owner of this home is not in," Yuki replied coldly. "At this time, we are not allowed to entertain guests without his express permission."

"Hospitality!" The creature slammed a fist against the house, causing the frame to crack. "Hos! Pi! Tal! I--"

Yuki snapped her fingers, sending a blast of arctic air into the Faerie. It was knocked backward off the porch and fell to the ground, frost crawling up its body. A series of icicles bloomed in a scattered circle around it, pinning it in place in such a way that the Fae had to hold still to avoid impaling itself.

"Today, I give you your life," Yuki declared, a maelstrom of ice crystals orbiting her body. "It is not a gift and it is not freely given. What do you offer in return?"

The bulky Fae gulped and shook, whether from terror or the cold, Beth couldn't tell.

"Mercy?" it asked.

"You may think the Radleys are blind to the rules," Yuki shouted, so others could hear. "One cannot force or threaten their way into a home when the owner is away and expect to be given proper Hospitality."

"Mercy?" asked the Fae again.

Yuki glared at the Fae on the ground. "Leave and never return in exchange for your life," she growled, her tails fanning out behind her. Never once did Yuki cross through the boundary of the door, meaning that her tails kept Beth from seeing what was happening.

She did, however, hear the steady beating of feet as the Fae squirmed free of its trap and ran. The Fae shapes in the fog giggled and laughed as their cohort fled, the sound hypnotic and alluring. Yuki shut the door, and the crown of ice vanished from her head.

"You're scary," said Beth.

"Yes."

Yuki turned her attention back to the living room where Grace was in the middle of folding a piece of paper alongside Reggie and a couple of other rats. There were dozens of origami animals all around the room, most of them insects. "They come under the guise of Hospitality, but they're little more than bullies."

No sooner had she spoken than somebody pounded on the door. Yuki's ear twitched, and she moved to the curtain to see who it might be. "It's another one," she grumbled. "Guy who looks like a praying mantis crossed with John Lennon."

"I've got this one." Beth hurried back to the office. She came back out with a piece of paper and some double-sided sticky tape. On the paper, she had writtenKnock if you would like us to gift you with our presence.

Yuki laughed. "Will that actually work?"

"They aren't exactly pestering us with their brightest." In fact, Beth had no idea if such a thing would work, but the Fae took gifts very seriously. She pushed open the door and stared up at the mantis-shaped John Lennon, who clacked his mandibles angrily. His blade-shaped hand was frozen mid-knock.

"I demand--"

"A high-five?" Beth slapped the open palm of the Fae. "Given, as requested. What will you give me in exchange?"

The Fae's bug eyes changed colors as it spluttered angrily. Beth stuck the sign to the outside of the door and pushed the paper smooth. When she turned back around, the Fae was still blustering.

"If you're trying to think of adequate compensation, I'm trying to decide between a hundred years as my personal servant or having you leave me alone for the next hundred years. If you can't choose, I could always toss a coin."

The Fae went silent, its mouthparts flexing in frustration. Beth wasn't entirely sure if such an agreement would be legally binding by Fae terms, but it was also clear that Bug Lennon wasn't either.

Beth pulled the silver coin out of her pocket. It was almost hot to the touch. "I've got a coin right here."

"I choose the second option!" Bug Lennon bolted off of the porch, his wings fluttering as he hopped away into the mist. Beth smirked and went back inside where Yuki stood waiting.

"What would you have done if he chose the first option?" asked the kitsune.

Beth shrugged. "No idea. Probably would have ordered him to go plant a forest. Something useful, anyway."

The kitsune chuckled and moved back into the living room just in time to keep Grace from biting the head off of an origami mantis. The symbolism was not lost on Beth. She flopped onto the nearest chair and let out a loud huff just as her phone chimed back in the office.

"Damn it," she muttered. Before she could get up, Death came into the room carrying her phone. "Oh. Thanks."

"My pleasure." Death's eye lights flickered.

Beth unlocked her phone and saw that she had a rather long text from Eulalie. With the Library on lockdown, the Arachne was using some random server in a Fae-proof building in New Zealand to send messages. As Beth read through it, she got up from her chair and headed for the stairs.

"Everything okay?" asked Yuki.

"When has it ever been?" Beth put her phone away. "Mike learned that one of the former Caretakers escaped from Avalon, and he wanted to know if Kisa could check with Naia. However, Kisa is stuck in the Library, so the task fell on me."

Yuki grinned. "Have fun."

"We'll see." Beth walked up the stairs and into Mike's bedroom. The temperature in the house was colder than usual. Part of that was due to Yuki's magic. Their HVAC system was struggling with keeping the place warm, and Tink wasn't around to smack it with a hammer, or whatever it was she typically did.

Just how much did the little goblin do? She was so incredibly efficient at her job that it was hard to accurately gauge what may be going wrong with the house.

When Beth stepped into the bedroom, she could hear Naia singing from the bathroom. The nymph was lounging in the water-filled tub, her eyes closed as she sang happily to herself.

"You're in a good mood." Beth sat at the edge of the tub.

"Don't tell anyone, but..." Naia's sapphire eyes opened and she smiled. "I'm faking it."

"Faking it?"

"Trying to keep my mind off of...that." Naia gestured toward the closest window. "It's been a while since I've been forced to stay inside. I don't really care for the amount of potential violence waiting for me outside, and I really don't like the idea of having to hide inside my spring. These last few years have been far too interesting for my taste in terms of the dangers we've seen."

"Do you regret it?" asked Beth. "Choosing Mike?"

Naia's eyes sparkled. "Not in the slightest. This home has seen more love in the last couple of years than all others combined...I think." The nymph put a finger to her lips as if lost in thought. "I guess I can only assume. It's more of a feeling I get than something I can prove."

"Right." Memories of the house were locked after a Caretaker passed. At least, they were until certain conditions were met. "Speaking of stuff you can't remember, Mike saw a vision of a Caretaker named Natalie."

"Oh?" Naia sat up, her full breasts causing ripples in the water as she moved. "What did he see?"

Beth explained the vision that Nyx had shown to Mike. At one point, Naia's features had lit up in recognition, and she nodded her head.

Once Beth was finished, Naia spoke. "Natalie had an agreement with a powerful vampyr named Vincentius. He claimed to be a player in the game called the Conqueror and asked her for sanctuary. At the time, she was under the impression that the path to power came from bringing more cryptids into her care, so agreed to help him hide the magical mirror that led to Avalon beneath Machnaimh Abbey in exchange for the Abbey itself. She thought it would be some loophole where anyone inside of Vincentius' pocket world would count toward her total and that the Geas' protection would then extend to the Abbey."

"Not a bad idea," Beth commented.

"During that era, there were humans still living at the Abbey. They were employed by Vincentius, or rather they were held under his thrall. Natalie was able to talk with them and realized after some time that the power she might achieve by "hosting" Vincentius was very much against her nature as a Caretaker and might actually prevent her from winning the game."

"And so she tried to take him out?" asked Beth.

"Her plan failed spectacularly," Naia said. "Though he seemed to be a false player in the game, he is extremely powerful. Therefore, her backup plan was to take Merlin's tower. Maybe she'd find something to make her powerful enough to even the odds later on."

Beth let out a sigh. "Do you know how she got home?"

Naia shook her head. "No, but we may be able to find out." She patted the water. "Want to sift through the memories with me?"

"We can do that?" asked Beth. "I thought you could only share memories with Mike?"

"Technically, the Caretaker, but..." The nymph giggled. "He recognizes you as an equal and potential successor. We've bent so many rules that I half expect the Architect to return and yell at us."

"Unless they wanted us to," added Beth. She was already slipping out of her clothes. Yeah, she could just use magic to dry herself, but clothing wasn't designed to be comfortable in water.

"I hadn't considered that." Naia held up a hand to assist Beth into the tub. Once Beth was immersed in the warm water, Naia sank beneath the waves and reappeared underneath Beth, holding her so that the back of Beth's head rested between her breasts.