Home for Horny Monsters

Hi all! I'm back with the next exciting chapter of "Leeds is a bastard while Beth fights the Apocalypse!"

New? Don't blame you, everyone is new at some point. You should strongly consider bingeing previous chapters. There's a lot of plot, a lot of fucking, and a giant cast of characters.

Returning reader? Welcome back, you beautiful person! It's so nice to see you, and I wouldn't still be around without your support. So don't forget to click those stars on your way out!

Just a heads up: my (real world) schedule is gonna get weird this fall. Make sure you check my bio for release dates, because I will do my darndest to stick to them so you don't worry that I've disappeared.

Folks, it's time for you to see the glory of Jenny's master plan. If you ever get a chance to play her, you should remember this rule: Never go against a psychotic spirit on

Family Game Night

Pain rippled through Beth's entire body as she reformed in a golden blaze of light next to Murray. Already, the sensation of being hung from a tree was fading from her memory as if it was nothing more than a bad dream.

"Ah, there's our princess now!" War announced with a laugh. "How did you like the gallows?"

She said nothing. Instead, she closed her eyes and took several deep, cleansing breaths.

After being killed the first time, she cried hysterically while huddled in a ball. Murray appeared to her in a place full of white light and informed her that her reconstruction would be on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. The angel explained that the purpose of doing so was to prevent a complete mental breakdown as a result of being killed repeatedly.

That, and it would disrupt the game.

While the memory of being cut in half remained, it now felt like little more than a distant memory or a bad dream. Every death afterward was brutal and terrifying to experience, but the angel made sure that all she retained from them was the memory rather than the trauma.

In a way, she was grateful to the angel for ensuring her mental safety. Given half a chance, she would pluck the fucker and cast him into the Void with Oliver. But seeing as how she was just a mere mortal, she would have to settle for dreaming about revenge rather than enacting it.

"And there goes Alaska," War declared. The territory Beth had held turned red. "North America is officially mine!"

Again, she said nothing. But she did look over at where Jenny was sitting. The doll had been unusually quiet, and it was taking everything in her power not to scream at the ghost.

The original plan had been for Jenny to manipulate her own die rolls using telekinesis. With three-on-three, even a slight manipulation in the odds would be beneficial, and allow their deception to go unnoticed.

Instead, Jenny was sullen. She had lost a few territories without so much as a fight, and had yet to win a single round. When a round started, neither side knew who won until the battle was over, and it didn't seem to occur to the horsemen that Jenny seemed to be exempt. On her turn, all the doll did was add troops and move them away from harm. Reggie would often move troops and try to bolster defenses for Beth, or at least discuss strategies between rounds.

It had effectively become three versus two, with Jenny barely spectating. The doll often wandered off during turns, and would look on in disinterest as the loser was shot, set on fire, or executed in whatever gory manner the winner preferred.

Beth particularly enjoyed her winning rounds. The horsemen didn't seem particularly creative with how they chose to kill her, so would often pick something quick and messy. She tried to rattle them with creative means of dismemberment, and was particularly proud of the time her elves had tossed Famine into a live volcano.

Reggie's unique brand of torture usually involved rats. He strapped a cage full of rats to War's belly and then put burning coals on the top so that the rats would chew their way through the horseman to get away from the heat. There was also the time Reggie dragged Pestilence into the subway tunnels of New York and creamed him with a subway train. It had revealed that the horseman was, in fact, composed of glowing insects.

None of this deterred the horsemen. They shifted troops around and would leave a single troop behind to be taken by their teammates so they could gain continent bonuses. It had pissed her off when the last battle between War and Pestilence had been a simple game of Pinball. War had given his sibling a high-five upon losing, which allowed Pestilence to gain control of Africa.

"Three territories left," War told her. "And then you're out of the game."

Still, she said nothing. Once she was knocked out, Reggie and Jenny would be on their own. Reggie almost had control of Europe, while Jenny had crammed almost all of her troops into east Asia.

It all came down to trust. She wanted to believe that Jenny had some sort of a plan, but she just couldn't see it. The doll's infamous outbursts hadn't shown up even once. They were ignoring her entirely, so it was likely that Reggie would be the next to go. The horsemen would come for Jenny only when she was the last one remaining.

The horsemen had learned some time ago how to stretch out their turns. What had started as hour-long skirmishes had become days, depending on the size of the defending armies. Losing Australia had taken almost a month from her perspective, but Murray had assured her that only minutes had passed in the real world.

The men and women of Middle Earth put up a brave fight over the next few rounds. Beth, fully on the defensive now, didn't make any attacks of her own and chose to bolster her defenses. Her brain compressed the last week of her battles into moments as her territories dwindled down to one final location.

She had taken Iceland on a lark and found it a fitting location for her last stand. Her troops managed to buy her another week of in-game time as War attacked her from Greenland with ships that fired missiles into the Icelandic countryside. While the city of Reykjavik burned, Beth's army was forced to retreat inland.

Her final stand was at the volcano. She had ridden her horse up and down the line, doing her best to give a speech about how they were the last line of defense, and that she was so proud. The words didn't come easy, and were heavily plagiarized from different movies. Her people had cheered as they turned as one to face the oncoming army, ready to take down as many of War's troops as they could.

Instead, War bombed the volcano, which caused it to erupt violently. It exploded, the pyroclastic flow incinerating Beth and her troops where they stood. There were no last moments of honor or glory, just the howl of angry winds followed by fire, dirt, and pain.

Hovering above the Earth afterward, Beth couldn't help but break into tears. She didn't have enough energy to acknowledge War, who taunted her failures. Nor could she yell at Jenny for abandoning them. She wanted to believe in the plan, but her faith had finally been broken.

"Since you are no longer a player, you may wait here between rounds." Murray spoke matter-of-factly, as if Beth hadn't just lost the fate of the world in a board game gone wrong. "It is your choice."

"I'll keep watching," she announced, then looked over at Reggie. "To provide moral support."

Reggie nodded his head in thanks.

Several weeks passed as Reggie's position in Europe was gobbled away. The horsemen started a blazing wall of fire that gobbled up the land as they conquered his territories. Reggie was able to hold them off for a bit, but it was purely a numbers game at this point. The horsemen had surrounded Reggie, pressing him from multiple directions. His numbers dwindled faster than theirs, and his remaining troops clung to the Eiffel tower as Famine detonated a nuke right on top of them.

The mushroom cloud could still be seen from space as Reggie reformed. His mech suit was gone, and he wore neither his glasses nor his crown.

"I have failed you," he told her morosely.

"You did your best," she said, kneeling down to pick him up. "We did our best." She gave him a hug, his whiskers tickling her ear.

"The best is yet to come," he whispered in her ear, his voice barely audible. She wasn't even sure he had said anything.

"Do you wish to continue your turn?" Murray asked Famine.

"Huh?" Famine looked up at the Earth, then over at Jenny. She was looking away from the horsemen, her horse squeaking ominously. "Oh, right. Forgot about her. I need to move some troops first, but then I'll pass." He looked to War. "Thought you might have more fun with her."

War grinned, his teeth glinting in the unfiltered light of the sun.

"I'm going to grind you into paste, little girl." He licked his lips in anticipation.

Jenny stopped rocking on her horse. Her head rotated around until she was looking backward at the horsemen.

I look forward to ripping your eyes from your head and shoving them up your ass.Her voice was composed of multiple wavelengths—as if several men and women spoke through her body. With a click, it became a little girl's voice again.That way, you can watch me kick your butt, mister.

War was clearly taken aback. He looked over at Pestilence, who just shrugged. It was the first aggressive thing she had said this whole time, and it was clear that it had caught them off guard.

It was Jenny's turn next. Her territories were massed together, but she shifted the bulk of her troops to the outer ring. Being left alone each turn, she had amassed a rather large force that now formed a barrier around east Asia.

Pestilence didn't have any troops nearby, so moved them around. When War's turn came, he pointed at Kamchatka.

"I attack from Alaska," he declared. He had been building a small army there, and everyone teleported down to the ground and watched as War's military presence came from the sea. Large boats dumped troops and equipment on the shore, but there was no sign of Jenny's army anywhere.

"What the fuck is this?" War stood on the beach, his sword slung over a shoulder. "I don't see anybody here."

That's cause we're playing hide and seek, silly!Jenny's voice came from the distant hills.Can you find all of us?

"I'm not here to play games, I'm here to kill you!" War's voice magnified and bounced off the hills like distant thunder.

That's too bad! I'm here to play games with you!The clouds up above formed into a rocking horse with a figure on top. A demonic face formed by opening holes in the cloud, revealing blue sky behind.And you can't kill me until you find me.

War almost dropped his sword. "That's not how this works! You have to face me!"

It's a game of war, silly! If you don't like it...quit!

"She is correct." Murray hovered in the sky behind them like a marionette. "For the turn to end, one of you must kill the other."

"Fucking hell." War stormed off with his troops. Beth wanted to laugh, wanted to have hope, but was afraid to voice it out loud.

Down by her side, Reggie was wringing his hands together in anticipation, a giddy gleam in his eyes.

War's troops scoured the countryside for hours. As spectators, Beth and the others were able to hover above the scene and move about, unrestricted by physics. War and Jenny were the only ones confined to the playing field, and Jenny was using it to her advantage.

Night was falling before anything happened. The movement was so subtle, that Beth thought she had made a mistake. One of War's soldiers had walked behind a boulder and had simply vanished in the shadow of the rocks. Not a sound was uttered, and the nearby troops didn't see what happened either.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away,Jenny announced.You suck at this game.

War said nothing, but Beth saw that the veins in his neck bulged dramatically. He tapped his sword on the ground, then growled in frustration.

"What are you playing at, Raggedy Anne?" He looked up around. "You mad that nobody ever loved you?"

My little girl grew up to be a complete whore.Jenny giggled.She was your mom.

This actually made Famine burst into laughter. It quickly became a belly laugh, and Famine wiped some tears from his eyes.

"Oh, she's trying to go so hard on you," he cried. "Stupid girl doesn't even know that we don't have a mother."

That's what the angels told you so you wouldn't feel sad.Jenny's voice was behind them now.Just you wait, fat-ass. I have something special planned for you.

"Whatever you say." He sat on a couch that appeared behind him and pulled popcorn out of the air. Beth recalled a particularly bloody confrontation Reggie had with War where Famine had pulled out a charcuterie board and feasted on cheese and apple slices as the two of them leveled a city.

Pestilence buzzed something at Jenny.

Nobody cares what you have to say,she replied in a sweet voice.You're just a bag of farts.

The sun set on Kamchatka, and all hell broke loose. As the shadows grew longer, War's troops disappeared at an exponential rate. Once the disappearances had been noticed, gunfire erupted as they tried to fight an enemy they couldn't see. War had his soldiers set up a base at the foot of a hill and trained spotlights on the surrounding area. Instead of chasing away whatever hid in the shadows, it just revealed a landscape soaked in blood.

"What the fuck is this?" War, just as baffled as his troops, ordered them to form up on the perimeter wall of their base. Shadows flitted about, but the soldiers were unable to catch one properly in the light.

As I lay me down to sleep,Jenny began.

"Fuck off!" War replied.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.The shadows moved so abruptly now that they left large dust trails behind them that blew across the base like fog.And when you die because you suck...

"Shut up!" War was so angry he hopped over the walls of the base and charged at the shadows. He swung his sword at them, creating a commotion that drew everyone's attention. In the span of an instant, the lights at the base went out and the soldiers left behind screamed in agony. An explosion rocked the structure, and Beth caught a brief glimpse of twisted beings that disappeared into the darkness, beings made of teeth and knives.

I'll find your mom and then we'll fuck.

War was the only one left. He yelled at the sky, but the shadows avoided him. Despite his shouting, the shadows left him to seethe.

"What is she playing at?" Famine leaned forward on his couch.

Now quit being a bitch and find me!Jenny giggled.When you do, I'll put you out of your misery.

"This has to be against the rules!" War turned to Murray. "She can't make me find her, this territory is huge and she's just a doll!"

All is fair in love and war,Jenny replied.And I love playing games with you!

Murray stared at the scene below, then nodded.

"These are the terms you agreed to," he stated. "You would play a game of conquest where you were able to fully participate. At any point, you may choose to stop playing, but that would be equivalent to forfeit on the part of the player."

"But this isn't conquest, it's fucking hide and seek!"

Aw, are you gonna cry?Jenny giggled.You can quit if you want.

"And if she's hiding, why can I hear her?" War swung around, squinting in the darkness. "Does that mean she's nearby?"

"Her ability to speak doesn't affect gameplay," Murray said. "She doesn't have lips, and so I allowed her to use her psychic abilities for communication purposes.

War hollered illegibly and threw his sword before storming off. A couple of hours passed before Jenny started singing nursery rhymes in a discordant manner that set Beth on edge.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this shit," muttered Famine. "Hey, angel! Since it's obvious already that she won this round, would it be okay if we helped find her? It doesn't technically affect gameplay, right?"

Murray went wall-eyed for a moment, then nodded.

"It would be permitted," he informed them.

"C'mon." Famine rose from his couch and looked at Pestilence. "Let's find the little bitch so that we can move on."

Beth looked at Reggie and let out a sigh. "Should we go find somewhere quiet to sit? It could be a while."

The rat king looked at her with quivering whiskers, then let out a hearty laugh.

"Why would I stay?" he asked. "I'm not technically playing anymore, remember?"

With a flash of light, Reggie was gone. Beth's jaw dropped open at the ramifications of his statement, then looked across the dark hills of Kamchatka. How long would Jenny make the horsemen look for her? Had this been her plan the whole time? Already, she could hear War absolutely losing his shit in frustration. The horsemen were capable of many things, but apparently, patience wasn't one of them.

With a grin, Beth willed herself back into space.

🏠🏠🏠

"I would have expected the entrance to Hell to be bigger," Eulalie said, staring at the wrought-iron gate behind the house.

"It goes to the Underworld, not Hell." Amymone had her face in one of the books from the Library. It was a primer on dimensional folding. "And I'm not seeing a damn thing in here about reconnecting it."

"Not without Mike." Naia pouted on top of her fountain.

It was late at night. Suly had escorted Cyrus back to his apartment to get a change of clothes and spend the night there. While the mage was gone, Eulalie had come over to the house to speak with the others. The rats had set up a perimeter around the house with instructions to chase off anyone who came snooping.

Eulalie was rather proud of how far her relationship had come with the rats. They were much smarter than they had originally seemed, and a couple of them seemed to understand some sophisticated commands. She noticed that a self-appointed group of rats now followed her around while carrying spears.

She knelt down to drink some of the deer the centaurs had brought her. Hunger had gotten the best of her earlier that day, and she had sent out an emergency request for food before she snacked on a rat. The deer was trussed up nicely in a cocoon that she could easily move around, and neither Naia nor Amymone seemed to be bothered by it.

"How does it taste?" Amymone asked. "I'm curious."

"Imagine a smoothie made of butter and meat that has little chunks in it," Eulalie replied. "And when you drink it, you can feel warmth diffuse throughout your entire body."

Amymone nodded. "I figured you were a good person to ask since you can eat that and human food."

"We don't technically eat," Naia said. "Amymone absorbs nutrients from the sun and earth. She also likes it when I do this."

The nymph sprayed the dryad with water from her hands, which caused Amymone's dress to cling to her body, revealing her nipples. Amymone licked her lips and absorbed the liquid into her skin, which made her dress stop sticking to her. The gesture was blatantly sexual, but Eulalie ignored it.

"So we don't have a way to connect to the Underworld through this gate?" she asked.

"Mike might be able to." Naia stood up straight, the runes on her torso glowing through the fabric of her dress. "The geas is supposed to regulate everything that happens here. When I choose the new Caretaker, I am able to bring the true house into this world. Whoever took the house will be strong, but Mike's bond will be stronger. With his help, I might be able to reconnect the gate, and then we can try to find the house in the Underworld."

"That sounds like a pretty big assumption." Eulalie wiped some blood away from her mouth, then looked at the runes on Naia's body. Her human eyes found them difficult to look at and comprehend, but her spider eyes saw how they actually floated in and out of Naia's body on the surface of her skin. For some strange reason, she got the impression that the runes were multi-dimensional, and were doing their best to fit along the curves of Naia's body.