Home for Horny Monsters

Hi all! Annabelle Hawthorne back with "Watch me lewd Christmas with monsters!"

New reader? Let me catch you up. This story starts in Chapter 1 with a guy who inherits a house with a nymph in the bathtub. 79 chapters later, he blows up a jukebox at the North Pole with sex lightning while banging a cat girl. Shazaam!

Returning readers, welcome back! We're off to a fun start with the Christmas spirit, and we're about to delve into some delicious mythology surrounding the holiday.

I've had a chance to catch up on quite a few comments and letters, and want to thank everyone again who takes the time to say something positive or give me useful advice. I want to continue growing as an author, and the fine readers at Lit have been very helpful to me in this process. I've got some fun writer's notes at the bottom of this chapter for those who like some "behind-the-scenes" thinking.

As always, don't forget to click some stars, leave some love in the comments, and check my bio for release dates! I try SUPER hard to stick to that schedule so you know how to plan your reading time.

Without further ado,

What in the Dickens?

"And then there were two." Lily scowled at the fireplace. While she had been more than a little angry that Mike had asked her to stay behind, the rational part of her understood why. Nothing would give her more pleasure than antagonizing that elf. Lily could tell that Holly had quite the body hidden underneath her Santa slave-wear. Goading the woman into a sexual encounter sounded positively delightful.

The emotional part of her wanted to rip someone's face off and eat it.

"Not quite, my young demoness." Death moved toward the tree and knelt down to pick up a package. "Tick Tock is not human, so I assume that he is in a wakeful state."

As if in response, the lid of the gift slid to one side and a ribbon emerged, hanging over the side like a dog's tongue.

"We got left behind, Bone Daddy. We're just warming the bench until they return. I'm surprised that you offered to stay. Don't you want to see the North Pole? Meet your big fat hero?"

Death chuckled. "Ah, but then I wouldn't be able to do this." He hopped onto the bench of the sleigh and set Tick Tock next to him, then picked up the reins. "On Dasher, on Dancer! On Francis and Plissken! On Gromit, on Stupid! On Dahmer and Blumpkin!"

Lily scowled. "Those aren't their names."

"Those are the names Tinker told me." Death turned to examine Santa's bag. "I wonder if there are any other presents in here for me? Or perhaps there's one for you?"

"If the legends are any metric, I should have a nice big rock in there."

Death ignored her, his arm already buried deep in the bag.

"How do you suppose he finds the presents? Is there some kind of order to them? Holly gave me that compass earlier without looking, so maybe I just need to think really hard..." The flames in Death's eyes swirled as he pulled a gift the size of a toaster out. "Aha, look!"

He tilted the present toward Lily, a smug look on his face as he tapped the label.

"No shit?" Puzzled, Lily took the box. "How do you know it's for me and not some other Lily?" She examined the label, and sawLily the Succubuswritten on the tag in golden calligraphy. "Okay, that's fair. It's heavy."

"Open it! Open it!" Death was gripping the side of the sleigh so tight that his fingers dug into the velvet upholstery. "Let's see what Santa got you!"

"This is ridiculous." She slid her finger beneath the wrapping paper to rip it, then stopped. A cold breeze moved across the back of her neck and tickled her ears. "Do you feel that?"

Death paused. "Feel what?" He gave the sleigh a squeeze. "It feels nice. I think it's mahogany."

In the kitchen, something fell on the floor with a metallic clatter.

"I thought there was no one else outside the time lock." Lily set the package down on the seat and walked toward the kitchen. The dining room was dark, as the lights had been off when time froze. However, the kitchen light was on, and she could see a moving shadow within. There was muttering, followed by a wet slurping sound in the kitchen.

Turning the corner, she found herself staring at a large figure huddled over the sink. It had pulled one of the pans out of the drying rack and was licking it with a tongue the size of Lily's forearm. Its sloped, abnormally large face terminated in a bulbous nose with thin slits for eyes.

Lily froze, stunned by what she was seeing. The window above the sink was cracked open a couple of inches and she could feel the cold from where she stood. The creature hadn't noticed her yet, and she wondered briefly about the fluid dynamics of air in a time stopped world. Was this creature an undiscovered local? Or had it snuck in somehow?

The lumpy figure grunted in disgust and threw the pan to the floor. It sniffed at the other pans, drool hanging from its lips.

Snapped from her reverie, Lily slapped her hand on the countertop. "Hey! Potato face!"

The figure turned to look at her, its mud-colored eyes going wide. Growling, it grabbed another pan from the drying rack, then threw it at Lily so hard that the impact knocked her to the ground. Before she could rise, the creature was on top of her, its thick fingers wrapped around her throat.

She tried to say something witty, but the bastard was squeezing too hard. Even if this thing ate mold from inside the walls to keep the house clean, it had officially earned an ass-beating. She willed her tail to appear and stabbed the thing in the neck, injecting it with sleeping venom.

"Ur?" The creature blinked, then stumbled backward and fell on its butt, rubbing at where she had stung him.

"Yeah, that's right, go to sleep, asshole." Lily stood and rubbed her neck. The torn skin closed up beneath her hands as she waited.

The creature growled at her and jumped to its feet, shaking off her venom.

"Fuck me," she swore as the thing ran toward the sink. It jumped at the window above it and turned into mist, passing through the gap.

"Lily! Help!" Death's voice was filled with panic, so Lily grabbed a pair of knives from the knife block and ran back toward the living room. Death was sitting in the sleigh, trying to shove away a pair of figures similar to the one from the kitchen. One of them wore an ugly green hat, while the other had large teeth that protruded from its bottom lip. Both of them were fighting to pull Santa's bag from the sleigh, but Death was wrestling them away.

"Use your scythe," she yelled as she held up the knives.

"It only works on spirits," he replied. "Also, these things are quite strong."

Lily leapt into the fray, aiming the knives for the figure in the hat. Both of the knives cut through the burlap vest the thing wore, but slid across its skin without injury. The creature spun around and clubbed Lily in the face with a meaty fist, knocking her away.

"No!" Death was now sprawled across Santa's sack, the drawstring pulled tight beneath his body as the creatures tried to pull him away. "These are not your toys!"

"Okay," Lily muttered as she moved toward the sleigh. "Let's try this again."

She stabbed both of the creatures with her tail, knowing that there would at least be a temporary effect. They both turned to face her, spreading their arms wide as if to catch her.

"If you think being pinned between two idiots frightens me, you've got another thing coming." She could see that Underbite's eyes were glassing over, while Hat's eyes were wide with rage. Crouching down, she leapt into Underbite, pushing it to the ground and stabbing it several times with her tail. The creature moaned, its eyes fluttering.

One down, Lily thought with a smirk.One to go.

Hat grabbed her from behind by the tail and whipped her into the sleigh. Grunting, she tried to grab hold of something as she was dragged across the floor, but the object came loose and fell with her. It was her present, and she couldn't help but grin when she saw her name glistening in the light.

"Sæt stelpa."Hat grinned at her as it crouched over her torso. The smell of damp soil and mold was overwhelming, and its breath wasn't much better. Hat cocked a fist over his shoulder while grabbing Lily by the neck.

She smashed her present into his face, knocking his hat off. The creature yelped and clutched its nose as it stumbled away from her, leaking green blood on the floor.

"Now use this one!" Death cried as he picked up Tick Tock and tossed him to Lily. She caught the mimic while still lying on her back, and then took aim with both hands.

"You know the drill, toaster." Lily threw the mimic at the now hatless creature. Tick Tock unfolded in mid-air, revealing bladed limbs that scratched and stabbed. Hatless cried out and ran across the living room, toward the fireplace. Like the creature in the kitchen, it folded into itself and turned into a green mist that shot up the fireplace.

"Oh, Lily." Death knelt down to pick up her gift. "I'm afraid the package tore."

"What the hell was in this thing, a rock?" Lily took the remains of her gift from him and tore the paper away. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!"

"That...is a very big lump of coal." Death frowned. "I suppose it's the thought that counts?"

"Fuck that." Lily dropped the heavy piece of anthracite. It gouged a chunk of wood out of the floor and she gave it a kick into the living room, leaving a furrow in the wood where it landed. "These assholes just broke into our home, Death. OUR HOME. They aren't supposed to be able to do that, and I'm about to find out why." She moved toward the remaining creature on the floor and stabbed him a few more times for good measure. If the creature wasn't asleep already, it was faking it really well.

"I am worried for the others." Death sat down on the bench of the sleigh. "This was supposed to be fun."

"We have very different ideas of fun." Lily put her hand on the creature's head and frowned. Even though it was asleep, its dreams were impenetrable. Instead of sinking into its Dreamscape, all she got were fleeting images, most of them of the sleigh itself, followed by the bag.

"Well?" Death sounded worried.

"They're here for the sleigh and the bag." Lily moved her hand away and wiped it off on the burlap vest. "If we leave it here, more of them will come. Since they aren't frozen in time, they must have come from the North Pole, too."

"Santa's helpers?"

"Nope." While she hadn't understood most of the images, the intent had been clear. Whoever these guys were, they hated Santa with a passion. "And there are more of them, like one big ugly family."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Death reached down to the floor where Tick Tock came waddling up on metallic legs. He picked the mimic up and set him on the seat. "We must not judge based on appearances. But yes, they would seem to be assholes."

"We need to move it somewhere else." She frowned as she contemplated her options. There was nowhere in the house that was airtight, and she certainly didn't want the place to get trashed. "How the heck do we even move it, though? I'm strong enough to pick it up, but it's bigger than any of the doors."

"Ah, but Holly got it through the fireplace, did she not?" Death began searching the sleigh. "I am willing to bet there's some sort of user's manual we can look at."

"Death, I understand that this whole childish naivety thing is your schtick, but there's no way that Santa has--"

"Here it is!" Death had lifted the seat beneath him to reveal a small journal with a cover made of wrapping paper. He flipped through the pages and nodded to himself. "Oh, good. It has a table of contents."

Lily blinked in surprise. "Why the hell does Santa need a user's manual for his sleigh?"

"Have you not been watching all those Christmas movies? Santa is always getting in trouble and someone has to come help him. It makes sense that he would--aha!" Death flipped through the pages and nodded. "Um...some of these words are too big for me."

"Let me see." She took the book from Death and looked at the page he was on. "In the event that the sleigh must be transported through confined spaces, it will automatically utilize the properties of relativity and length dilation to..." She felt her eyes glaze over as the description was followed up with a mathematical proof. "I think it's saying it will just fit, because reasons."

"Aha!" Death's voice was filled with glee, and Lily looked up to see that he had pulled a large red velvet coat from under the seat. He belted it over his robes, and the fabric draped awkwardly, the cut designed for a much thicker figure. "I knew he would have a spare!"

"Why would...y'know what? It doesn't matter. We need to get this somewhere safe, but where?" She looked at Beth, still frozen in place. "Do you think we need to take her with us?"

"Ms. Holly said that time is stopped everywhere but the North Pole and where the sleigh is. Once we leave, the house will be safe."

"But that also means that those creatures must have come through when the sleigh did. So why didn't they do anything?" It occurred to her that they had only revealed themselves after everyone else had left. If that was the case, then was it just the three of them? Or were there more? Were those things now time locked outside the sleigh's range, or was there some other magic at work here?

"Everywhere else on Earth is frozen in time," Death informed her. "So we cannot expect to receive help from anyone on Earth. Perhaps the centaurs could assist us?"

It wasn't a bad idea, so Lily got behind the sleigh and pushed it toward the back door. When they reached the hallway, the sleigh narrowed down to fit. Death, while in the driver's seat, squeezed down as well.

"How fascinating," he muttered. "The whole hallway has become larger to accommodate us!" He turned to look at her and grinned. "And you are much wider as well!"

Lily ignored him. When they got to the door, a cold gust of wind came from nowhere and the door opened by itself while playing a sound like jingling bells.

"Ugh, enough of that Hallmark shit!" She pushed the sleigh outside and the door shut itself as the sleigh expanded to its previous size. The shortcut to the centaur village was through a small hut that had been built near the edge of the property. The sled felt surprisingly light on the snow, as she maneuvered it toward the hut.

Up above, she heard the scrambling of feet on the roof. She looked up to see six figures staring at her from above, each one glaring at her with malice.

Lily didn't like that they were outnumbered, and was concerned that the figures hadn't acted yet. It was like they were waiting for something, and it couldn't be good.

When they got close to the hut, Lily opened the door and looked inside. A large rat portal had been chewed into the back of the hut, and she ran through the portal into the yurt on the other side. Shoving the flap open, she started to call for help but paused.

The centaur village was silent. At a nearby fire, the flames were frozen in place as a storyteller was in the midst of sharing a tale with a small group of centaur children. Across the yard, a tent flap was in mid-curl behind a centaur woman who had just exited and was now frozen mid-stride.

Lily ran back through the portal, licking her lips nervously. The centaur village wasn't even on Earth, it was a pocket dimension. Did that mean time was frozen everywhere? How would such a thing even work?

"Centaur village is a no-go," she announced as she stepped back outside. Death was staring at the roof where more figures had appeared. There were nine of them now, including Hatless.

"What are they waiting for?" Death asked. He was answered by a low growl as a dark figure appeared over the roof. It blotted out the sky as it moved across the roof of the Radley home, then turned its head to reveal a pair of bright yellow cat's eyes. They looked huge in the moonlight, and the darkness of the pupils sloshed like ink.

The giant cat hopped off the roof and landed on the snow without leaving so much as a pawprint. Its dark, ashen fur was tipped with white and it had the wild look of something feral. It bared its fangs and swiped at the sleigh with claws the size of daggers.

"No! Bad kitty!" Death summoned his scythe and swiped at the cat's paw. The cat hissed and pulled its foot back.

"I thought you could only hurt spirits," Lily said.

"He doesn't know that," Death replied.

The giant cat circled them as Lily moved next to the sleigh. The cat stood nearly twenty feet tall and had the stocky build of a lynx. Its tail twitched behind it as it looked for an opening.

"The village is time-locked as well," Lily said. "We're on our own."

"Hmm." Death waved his scythe at the cat, then looked at Lily. "Maybe it's not that everything else is frozen in time, but that we are trapped in a single moment."

"Sure, whatever." Lily didn't care about the how or why of time-locking and picked up a snowball and threw it at the cat. It exploded harmlessly against its fur. "But it doesn't help our current situation."

"Hmm." Death jabbed at the cat, but it was getting bolder. It was only a matter of time before it figured out Death couldn't hurt it. "I can think of someone who could protect us from a bad kitty cat."

"Cerberus?" Lily looked down the hill at the gate. "There are so many reasons that it won't work, but let's go to that single moment theory."

"The Underworld has never cared much about the proper flow of time. If something can be killed during this moment, then the Underworld would still let us in," Death replied, then swatted away a paw. The blade of the scythe passed harmlessly through it, and the cat pulled back its paw, eyes wide in shock. The cat lifted its foot and inspected the pads with discerning eyes.

The damned thing grinned.

"Oh. Oh dear." Death looked at Lily. "Perhaps you should just push us toward the gate and pray for a Christmas miracle?"

"Damnit, bone man, demons don't pr--" She ducked as a claw slammed into the side of the sleigh, making it slide across the snow. Death used the butt of his scythe like a pole to guide the sleigh. When the cat struck again, the figures on the roof began their descent, scrambling down the drains to get to the ground.

The cat batted at the sleigh, launching it forward. Lily tumbled into the back of the sleigh where the bag was. It pressed against her, pinning her in place and crushing a couple of ribs. She couldn't see anything but could hear the figures shouting to each other. By the time she pulled herself free, they were sliding down the hill toward the gate to the Underworld.

"This is much more fun than those saucer sleighs," Death declared as he grabbed her and pulled her into the front seat. "I would advise you to hold on tight."

"Death, we're crashing!" She tried to unfurl her wings to fly away, but the cat was right behind them. With an outstretched claw, it tore a hole through the membrane of one of her wings. Pain lanced through Lily's body as she fell forward, her eyes widening as she held on tight to the sleigh.

Death didn't acknowledge her. Instead, the Grim Reaper loudly sang Jingle Bells as the world around them distorted, the bars of the gate spreading themselves far apart as they slipped through an opening that was a couple of inches wide. Behind them, the cat's face looked like pulled taffy as it let out a growl of rage and raked its claws against the indestructible iron gate. Sparks sprayed into the air and danced in the snow, then the swirling mists of the Underworld wrapped around them, obscuring the house from view.

� � �

� � �

The ice wall that had blocked the elevator exploded into large chunks that hovered in place. Yuki held her breath as she watched them rotate for a couple of seconds, then form into a giant archway. It wasn't so much that the ice had been reformed, that didn't bother her. She had felt it react with excitement, as if eager to obey the commands of whoever was behind those doors.