Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all! I have returned to bring you "Let's Lewd Christmas--the beginning of the end!"

That's right, we are officially in the third act. There will be chills, spills, and more than a few fights between now and Christmas morning.

New reader? Welcome! This is a crazy long story, and you're gonna be massively disappointed to learn that not every chapter has sex and that I have low standards for realism. It's best to start at the beginning and binge this shit like you only have your friend's Netflix password for two more days.

Returning reader? I missed you! It's time to delve deeper into what the fuck is going on at the North Pole. This chapter has some wicked character development that will tug at your heart strings, and a reveal that will have you ready to kick the Krampus' ass.

Thanks to all of you who support me by sharing this tale with others. Thanks for leaving stars, comments, and sending letters. On the topic of letters, I have more than a few people who have asked me via email to separate the chapters into books. I have been doing it this whole time! In book description, it says "A man inherits a house full of fuckable monster girls-Part X". The X stands for which book we're in!

Don't forget to check the bio for the next release days, my Oct. is a little crazy, but I will do my best to make sure you still get two chapters.

That's enough from me. It's time to talk about

Last Christmas

The Ghost of Last Christmas didn't waste time with words. Instead, it extended a hand for Mike to take, which he did. The others grabbed onto his free hand, and a dark mist filled the room. Though it looked sinister, Mike didn't feel like the spirit's intentions were malicious. In fact, he realized he could see what the spirit was made of now. It was similar to Freyja's soul, except the threads of Christmas Past were made up of tiny little gears that shifted in sync with each other.

The cabin vanished, and Mike found himself standing in Santa's special workshop. The fat bastard himself was contemplating a large gift with the letter M on it that had been installed into a vise for Mike to find later.

"I believe that's everything," he said out loud, then turned his attention toward Mike. "For next Christmas, anyway."

"What the fudge?" Mike licked at his lips and rolled his eyes. "Okay, sorry. Can he even hear us?"

"These are the shadows of the past," the spirit began.

"Yeah, yeah. They can't hear us or whatever." He dismissed the spirit and put his hands on his waist. "So now I get a pre-recorded message from the past. I'm over these time travel shenanigans. At least the Santa at the mall talks to you in real-time."

Yuki moved to stand next to him, then dug her nails into his side.

"Ow, what the heck?" he groused. Yuki tilted her head toward Holly. The elf was sitting cross-legged on the floor, her chin in her hands and a huge smile on her face.

"It's been a very busy week," Santa began while pulling over a rocking chair. When he sat in it, the wood creaked but held his weight. An elf came in through the door of the workshop with a large plate of cookies and a carafe of milk.

"Thank you, Lester." Santa patted the elf on the head. "This is exactly what I needed."

The elf beamed, then walked away.

"That was Lester," Santa said once the elf was gone. "If everything I've learned is true, this will be his last Christmas. Sometime after I go missing next year, one of the giants will eat him." He shook his head and wiped a tear from his eyes. "Poor Lester."

"What the farts?" Mike stared in disbelief. "The elves are getting eaten? Why isn't he doing anything?"

"That he knows the future with such certainty," Yuki muttered. "He really did know what was coming."

"Indeed," Santa replied. He turned his attention to Holly. "I am so sorry about everything you've gone through, but I'm afraid there's more to come. Your faith in me is a blessing, but I do not deserve it."

Holly sighed. "Santa," she whispered, a dreamy look on her face. "You can rely on me."

Santa nodded, then turned his attention in Freyja's direction. "As for you, old friend, I am sorry for your ordeals as well. You should know that all of it was necessary to get you into your current state."

The goddess snorted. "More like you're lucky we got this far," she muttered.

The big man sighed, then put the plate on his belly and the carafe of milk on a nearby bench. He held up one of the cookies and chuckled.

"In fact, this is partially your fault." Santa glanced over the top of his glasses at the goddess, his lips momentarily stretching into a frown.

"Excuse me?" Freyja stepped forward, but Mike grabbed her by the wrist. A chill ran up to his elbow, but he shrugged it off. Apparently touching her when they weren't naked and fudging was much safer.

"These are just shadows of what have been," he said in his best spooky spirit voice.

"There are two fundamental truths about this place, my dear Freyja. Although this is home to perhaps the most powerful magic on Earth, it's been confined to revolve around a single, temporal point--Christmas Day." Santa smiled and took a bite of the cookie. When it crumbled onto his beard, Mike could see some of the hairs twitch and reach for the crumbs.

"In this way, I am both its lord and its servant. I can perform a great many miracles, but only if it furthers the cause of Christmas. You see, when you came to me, the only reason I was able to save your life in the first place was because it was part of a chain of events that could lead to the survival of Christmas itself."

"Right, but I'm the reason Christmas is in danger in the first place. So why not just speak up and tell me you know I've been talking to the Krampus?"

"Mmm, so good!" Santa devoured the rest of the cookie. "I really do love cookies, especially when they're baked by the missus. Come. Walk with me."

He picked up the plate of cookies along with the carafe and led them out of the workshop. They hovered behind as he walked. His home was flooded with dozens of elves dancing around and partying.

"I just got back from deliveries this morning," Santa explained. "You can see that everyone is in a pretty good mood. In fact, this was a really good Christmas."

"Who are you talking to, Santa?" An elf with long pigtails stopped him in the hallway.

"Some friends of mine that you can't see, Adora. Will you take some of these to Mrs. Claus?" He grabbed a handful of cookies and gave them to the elf. "She's still in bed recuperating from earlier and could use something to eat."

Adora looked pleased to be given a task from Santa, and ran off.

"Even now, I can feel the magical barrier protecting the North Pole weakening. Whoever is looking for the Caretaker is taking the nuclear approach." Santa tsked to himself as he led them down the stairs. "Those are events I have not been privy to, and would love to hear the story someday."

Santa led them to the basement door. He stopped on occasion to celebrate with his elves, laughing and hugging them. Once across the room, he slid through the door and locked it behind him. They were now alone, the sounds of the party muffled by the thick door and stone walls.

"Anyway, my dear Freyja, the means of your resurrection were all related to saving the future of Christmas. When I made you into Jack, it wasn't just to hide you from the Others. That's what I call them, anyway. I think it's far more accurate than the Ancient Ones, or even the elder gods. After all, they live outside of time and space. Who's to say how old or young they really are?"

He chuckled at this as he led them down the stairs. "My dear friend, if you could speed things along?"

Mike wasn't sure who Santa was talking to until there was a sudden blur of motion. Santa went into fast-forward, traveling down the winding stairs in a matter of seconds. They were outside the chamber with the North Pole inside when he slowed to normal speed.

"Ah, here we are." He opened the doors, then moved inside. The North Pole was glittering with light, sparks swirling beneath the surface as if it had captured a tornado. "This is a new room to most of you. Welcome to the North Pole!"

Holly gasped in awe, but the others said nothing. Yuki looked at Mike, who shrugged.

"I've been here before, will tell you later." He was more than a little surprised that Santa was revealing all of this.

"The source of all my magic," Santa explained, then set his carafe and cookies down on a table. There was a clean mug waiting for him, and he poured some frosty milk into it. "As well as my curse."

From behind the North Pole, a figure emerged. It was the ghost of Christmas Future, hovering just over the floor.

"The spirits are a manifestation of the entity living within the North Pole," Santa explained, waving the spirit over. "As well as an extension of my own unique genealogy. You see, Future can only see what is coming, but cannot remember what has been. Every possible outcome filters through this poor creature, and it is their job to pass on to me any events of note. Freyja is one of those events. When I pulled her from those dark Atlantic waters, it was because Future led me there to retrieve her."

"Okay, maybe Future isn't a total dick," Mike grumbled to nobody in particular.

"She has been hidden all this time in the guise of Jack Frost in order to keep her safe until the time is right for the gods of old to return." Santa reached over his bench and opened a drawer. He pulled out a chessboard and set it nearby. "I assume you're familiar with the analogy I'm about to make, Caretaker."

Mike nodded, his eyes now on the board. Santa pulled a wooden figure from his pocket and set it down near the middle. It was Jack Frost, meticulously carved. "You see, I was warned of a potential future that would rely on me having certain pieces in position. So here we have Freyja in the form of Jack Frost. But there are more pieces, aren't there?"

Santa took a minute to pull more figures from his pockets. Mike watched as one side of the board filled up with the Krampus, Grýla and her brood, a giant cat, and what looked like another giant.

"From where you sit, you may think it would have been easier to sweep the pieces away before the game even began, but it isn't that simple." Santa winked at Mike, then touched the side of his nose. For just a moment, the room was gone, and Mike realized he was standing on a giant game board. All around him, blurred figures with boards of their own shifted pieces he couldn't see. In the few moments he was there, he watched one figure overtake another, shifting into their space and claiming their pieces.

They were back with Santa now, everyone save Holly muttering.

"There are events neither of us are privy to. This whole time, you've been under the impression that the Christmas I need you to save is this one, but you are incorrect. Certain events must occur today to prevent a disaster that will end Christmas many years from now. I cannot tell you much, but I think you know that one of the things which had to occur was Freyja's return by your hand."

Understanding bloomed in Mike's mind. Yes, Santa had known everything that was about to occur, but there was a greater purpose for it. It wasn't just some machiavellian effort to piss him off, but something bigger than that.

Santa leaned back and sighed. "Future can only tell me so much, you know. In fact, Freyja's arrival was the first time the spirit mentioned this event to me. Since it will be the end of Christmas, you would think I have some power over it, but that's just a side effect. I needed to alter the events of your present to stack the odds that you will succeed in...whatever it is you're supposed to be a part of."

"Damn." Mike shook his head and looked at Yuki. "I hate the idea of being manipulated like this, but what else was he supposed to do?"

"I like to think he had better options." Freyja crossed her arms. "But what now? Can he just tell us what happens next?"

"Doubt it," Mike said. "Unless telling it guarantees the outcome, he'll keep his secrets."

"Annoying." Yuki moved her fingers through his and squeezed until their palms met. "We'll figure it out together."

Santa waited a few more moments before pulling more pieces out of his pockets. Tink, Kisa, and Yuki went onto the empty side of the board, followed by Death, Lily, and Cerberus. Mike couldn't help but notice they were all wearing Santa hats.

"Do you know what I find interesting and frustrating all at the same time?" Santa drank some milk and then cleared his throat. "You have to remember, Future only sees the possibilities, no matter how small they are. When they speak, it is rare and I make sure to listen." When Santa looked up at Mike, the world dimmed. Yuki and the others faded away, leaving Mike alone with Santa. "Some years ago, a wonderful young lady did me a huge favor and asked for a very special Christmas wish in return. In granting that wish, I accidentally changed the fate of the world."

Mike looked around the room. "Where are the others?"

"This message is for you and you alone," Santa replied. "You'll understand why very soon."

Mike rolled his eyes. "Okay, big guy, I guess I'll bite. Not that you can hear me bitching. Or maybe you can, because Christmas Future is feeding you these lines like candy and you're essentially reading off a script. So you granted a Christmas wish that changed the world. Please continue."

Santa nodded. "My magic is very powerful when it comes to granting Christmas wishes. The same magic that can stop the world until I deliver my gifts or even create pockets of time so I can visit children can easily undo the best laid plans of even the gods themselves. Now her gift was complicated, and I couldn't just magically create the thing she asked for, nor find it in a store. She wanted someone to love her as she was.

"But when she made that wish, I butted up against a powerful geas and her circumstances. Despite what the movies would have you believe, I can't just snap my fingers and bring it all together. And I don't foresee all of it either. I am often a slave to the magic, and don't immediately understand how my actions go about granting such a wish. One time I hid a man's shoes. No idea why, but the magic demanded it. He missed the bus for work and stopped inside a nearby coffee shop to beg for a ride. A young woman was headed in the same direction for a doctor's appointment and was feeling generous enough to give him one.

"She was a couple minutes late for her appointment. While signing in, she had a question for the receptionist. A man across town was trying to call in and had to wait a few minutes before being helped. This meant he didn't walk his dog at his usual time, and he ran into an old friend. I think you can see where this is going, but it's not that simple. Ripples don't travel out in a straight line, Caretaker. They make circles. The man who got the ride was feeling extra generous and dropped his spare bus fare in a street performer's hat. The doctor was pressed for time at the woman's appointment and forgot to ask her an important question. All of these things created a circle of impossible events that eventually led to a young girl's mother coming home from her deployment in time for Christmas."

Mike crossed his arms. "So a Christmas butterfly effect. You toppled a ton of dominos to make something unexpected happen. It makes sense. By doing these little things, you're still hiding in plain sight."

Santa nodded. "You've experienced several of these already. The gifts I've left for you, the minor coincidences. Each one is a planned ripple to keep you on your ordained path."

"Yeah, and I hate it. I don't like the idea that everything I do is at your whim." Mike waved his hand around him. "Have I had any choices of my own since coming to the North Pole? Or am I just a sexy Rube Goldberg device that you've set off in your home in the hopes that I beat up the Krampus and don't fudge your wife?"

"The debate about free will and predetermined events is an old one that we have no time for, Caretaker." Santa didn't seem bothered by Mike's outburst, probably because he wasn't there in real time. "You have to understand that you've been part of the game longer than you think."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"The moment I pulled you from that burning car, I set off a chain of events that nearly drove Future to madness." Santa produced a wooden Mike figurine and set it on the chessboard, right in the middle. It sent out a cascade of sparkling lights that crawled across all of the pieces

"Wait, what?" Mike was breathing hard now, and he looked around for the others. Was this a joke? "It wasn't even Christmas, there's no way you were involved in that!"

"My powers can exist outside of Christmas, Caretaker, as long as they serve to prolong belief. It was a simple feat to appear as an ordinary man and pull you from the wreckage of that vehicle. What I couldn't know at the time was the profound effect this would have on everything."

"That...it doesn't make sense, I..." Mike spluttered, at a complete loss for words.

"You were never supposed to be the Caretaker, Mike Radley." Santa tilted his head forward and looked over the top of his glasses. "I can't always predict how the magic operates. All I knew was that I needed to save this young man before he burned up like a candle, to grant a Christmas wish for someone else. In doing so, the geas chose you over the woman slated to inherit your home."

"Who was supposed to inherit my home?" he asked, his voice little more than a fearful whisper.

Santa shook his head. "It no longer matters. The home is yours. But the sudden shift in fate caused ripples. The Krampus is just one of these ripples, manifesting in the flesh. The dominos are falling, and whether they lead to destruction or salvation is still unknown. You have become the catalyst for many things, Mike Radley, and you need to understand that trouble will come for you no matter where you go."

"I just want to be left alone," Mike said. "I don't see why I keep getting pulled into crud like this."

"That's what happens when you're a player in the Great Game, especially when you've made as much progress as you have. A target has been painted on your back, and you must be ready to protect those you love lest you lose them. These are heavy truths I have burdened you with, but you needed to hear them." Santa sat up in his chair, and the room brightened again. The others reappeared, their attention still on Santa. "So now that you understand why I have stacked events in our favor, I have one more confession to make. Holly?"

"Santa?" The elf moved forward enough that she accidentally passed through Santa's large belly. Mike was a little disappointed that it didn't at least get a token reaction from the big man.

"There's a certain secret I must share with you, one that very few know." He knelt down so the two were eye to eye. "You've been aware for the longest time that I was once a normal man who became more. I am a human soul that has merged with the eldritch entity sworn to protect this place."

Holly nodded.

"And I wish I could have told you earlier, but you wouldn't have understood. You've always been different than the others, but you couldn't have known how free you truly were. The original elves, like Alabaster, were not slaves to the magic like the newer generations. When Mrs. Claus and I made you, it was an attempt to lift those shackles, to create an elf capable of defining themselves outside of Christmas. It's why you were on the special team, sent out to observe humans. It was to help you understand them, and maybe come to terms with all the new feelings you would eventually experience.

"But due to recent events, you have a tiny piece of a human soul inside of you. Even now, you can feel those remaining shackles fading away. It's a degree of freedom I could never have granted you myself."