Home for Horny Monsters

Hi all!

Welcome to the next chapter of Home for Horny Monsters! I'm your host, Annabelle Hawthorne, and I'll be your tour guide for today.

New to the story? In short, a man name Mike inherits a house, meets some sexy monsters that he occasionally has sex with, and almost 600 thousand words worth of plot, shenanigans and silliness later, his house is under attack by a mysterious shadow man while he is stuck having a (metaphorical) pissing contest with the queen of the fae who has kidnapped the resident banshee.

Returning reader? I missed you, welcome back! Hey, shit is about to get wild, and I'm so glad to be on the ride with you.

Thanks to everyone in the Lit community who has encouraged me to keep doing this. Not only has it been a lot of fun, but this story and its adventures has been one of the few things this year that has reliably brought me joy. Times are tough, and I'm hoping that you are all getting by and that sunnier days are ahead (well, not in the Northern Hemisphere, it's already getting cold as fuck where I am).

Anyway, it's time to get on with the show!

Day of the Dead

Dana was upstairs when she heard the front door explode. Quetzalli emerged from her bedroom with a concerned look on her face, and the two of them rushed to the top of the stairs to look below.

There was a flash of light, followed by a scream from Beth. Quetzalli was already heading for the stairs when a man in a hoodie pointed his wand up at her and hissed something under his breath. Dana shoved Quetzalli out of the way in time to catch the brunt of the magic, and the shockwave carried both of them into the wall, showering them with the shattered balusters of the railing.

"Urgh," Dana moaned as she got to her feet. When she took a breath, she could tell that something had punctured a lung, so she looked over her shoulder to see a large wooden splinter sticking out of her back. She pulled it free and then yanked a few extra pieces out of her thigh and arm.

"Hey, you okay?" She shook Quetzalli by the shoulder, but the dragon was motionless. "I need some help," she called to the rats down the corridor, which shook them out of their stupor, and they came running. Together, they dragged Quetzalli into Mike's bedroom.

"Naia," she called, and was most of the way into the bathroom when the nymph appeared with a terrified look on her face. "I need your help!"

"We're under attack," Naia told her, then saw that Dana was dragging Quetzalli and helped pull her into the mostly empty tub. "My fountain has been frozen by angry spirits, and some man is running around with a wand."

Out back, Cerberus roared, and then the whole house shook. Down below, furniture sounded like it was being tossed around, and then the Jabberwock let out a shriek.

"Sounds like the end of the world," Dana muttered. "Guess I'd better go do my part."

"Dana, be careful," Naia warned her.

"Yes, Mother," she replied sarcastically. She walked into Mike's room and frowned. There wasn't anything she could use as a weapon in here, and the rats that had followed her were watching her as if waiting for instructions. She held a finger to her lips and cracked the door open. She used the selfie cam on her cellphone as a makeshift periscope, grateful that it was still functional, though the screen was cracked.

Out in the hall, a group of shadows were dragging their hands along the walls, shredding the wallpaper and gouging the plaster. The man in the hoodie made it to the top of the stairs and turned away from Dana, striding down the hall with purpose. When he made it to the mysterious door, he went to work right away spinning the gears, and then pulled the lever to the door. The door let out a hiss, and instead of swinging open, sections of it rolled out of the way, revealing that it was a series of moving circles that overlapped.

Dana moved down the hall, staying low and in the middle. The shadows spun to face her, their distorted features flickering in and out of existence.

She held up her fists, not sure what she was going to do with them, when she heard someone laughing downstairs, followed by the flickering of lights. The power went out briefly, and when it came back on, the spirits were grouped at the top of the stairs, as if curious what was happening down below.

"Come play with me!" It was the voice of a child's toy, and then Jenny was there. She tore through the spirits like they were paper, her fingers ripping ghastly holes in their bodies. The spirits fled, vanishing through the walls and floorboards. Jenny's wild eyes briefly met Dana's, and then she stuck out her tongue and dove into the floor like it was a swimming pool. The rats, having enough of this nonsense, scattered.

Dana smirked, then moved down the hall until she was at the door. She picked up Tick Tock and held the mimic to her chest.

"Quetzalli is in Mike's room. She needs protection," she said, and the mimic sprouted legs and raced down the hall.

She moved toward the door, curious at how its mechanisms worked, but froze in amazement at the interior.

The room itself was a giant conservatory made of several round windows, each one looking at a different patch of starry sky. Up above hung the remnants of an ancient telescope that looked as if it was in the middle of being repaired. All around the room were shattered mechanical parts, as if something complex had exploded and never been cleaned up. In the middle of the room was a small table, and the dark figure pored over a set of volumes that sat in the middle of the table before choosing one and picking it up.

"TheGrimoire! You lose, Emily." The man let out a laugh and then hugged the book to his chest. "All you bought was time, and it still cost you your life." When he turned around, he went still when he saw Dana.

Dana noticed two things. The first was that his eyes were black, like Sulyvahn's. The other was that the tome he held was very large, intricately bound in thick leather. Embossed in the middle of the cover was a very large apple.

"Goodbye, dead girl." He pointed his wand at her and she dove out of the way. The ensuing blast ripped apart the floor between them, and she scrambled for cover behind a cog the size of her body. Wave after wave of force struck the cog, causing it to resonate and shift as she circled around it, using it as a shield. He finally walked out the door, the book held tightly against his side.

She had no idea what was actually inside the book, but she did know one thing: she had been killed for it. TheGrimoirehad been one of the possible treasures Daryl had sent her to find, and there was no way she was going to let this asshole leave the house with it.

When she looked down the hallway, she saw that he had gone into Beth's bedroom. Outside the house, there was a loud shriek and something smashed into the roof, showering her with dust. At Beth's room, she opened the door to see that the closet door was open, revealing the mouth of the magical cave.

A hand touched her and she jumped, then turned to see Beth and Kisa standing behind her.

"He's got theGrimoire," Dana said. "And he's headed into the Labyrinth. Who the fuck is this guy?"

"Mike's shadow friend, wearing my former coworker Marco as a meat suit." Beth looked at Kisa, then back at Dana. "Any ideas what he wants with Ratu?"

"None, but that wand of his is nasty. I feel very outgunned here." The house shook again. "What the hell is going on outside?"

"As far as we can tell, the spirits have possessed the Jabberwock and it keeps attacking the house. They've also flooded this place and are tearing it apart from the inside. We need to get word to Ratu, but I can't find any of the faeries, and Sofia's book is missing, so we can't get her help either." Beth wiped some blood off her forehead. "Damn, won't stop bleeding."

"There's got to be something we can—" Dana stopped talking, her eyes on the dark figures in the door of the room. They were flickering in and out of existence, and spread out to trap them in the middle.

"They can touch you when they want to," Kisa warned, then hissed at the one closest to her. The three moved back to back as the spirits encircled them.

"Jenny! We need your help!" Beth yelled, but the ghost didn't appear. The house rumbled again, and Kisa launched herself at the nearest spirit, only to be scooped up and tossed across the room.

Quetzalli appeared in the doorway, carrying a large piece of wood. She swung it frantically at the spirits, only to trip over her own feet and stumble forward through the shadows. As she passed through one of the spirits, the room filled with the smell of ozone as she discharged electricity.

The shadow became motionless, then color filled in its features, as if a dam had broke and allowed paint to fill in all the color. It was a man wearing leather armor from centuries past, and he held up his hands in wonderment, as if surprised to see himself standing there. His features rippled as if he was being projected on water, glowing cracks now appearing along his body.

The other spirits recoiled when he exploded into motes of light, all of which immediately flew out the window. Their attackers evacuated, and Dana ran to the window to watch as the motes of lights shot through the gate to the Underworld. The shadow castle loomed larger than ever, and the phantom militia continued to march toward the house.

Out in the darkness, Cerberus whimpered.

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The faerie queen's face was fixed into a scowl as she walked past Mike to sit on her throne. She crossed her legs and looked down at him, then glanced over at the broken throne by her side.

"Well?" Mike asked. "We had an agreement. You said if I came back to you through the Underworld, you would let me take her. I believe you have an agreement to honor."

She held out her hand and a scroll appeared, identical to the one she had given him. "Should you find a way to enter my court via the Underworld itself, I will allow you to leave here with your dear Cecilia. Per your addendum, the two of you will leave unharmed, as well as intact. Hmm." She rolled up the scroll and tucked it away in mid-air, clearly using some sort of extra dimensional magic. "I'm curious, Caretaker. On your way in, did you happen to...meet anybody?"

That was an odd question to ask, and he thought briefly of the cave he had seen. "No. Was I supposed to?"

The queen frowned, then pulled out another scroll and opened it. "Let's just say that I had an agreement with someone else to stop you. It was more of a favor than an agreement, really. Did you have help getting here?"

He thought of what had happened to Quetzalli. "Does it matter? I do believe there was nothing in the rules about getting help from others."

"You are right. I am curious is all. When a deity's claim to fame is keeping others from breaking oaths, one really must expect better of them." She was near the bottom of the scroll now, and her features pinched. "Ah, there it is, the free-will clause. I'm not sure how you got away from her, but no matter. This is what I get for relying on others to do the work for me." She tucked this scroll away in midair as well and then sat in her chair, a glare fixed on her face.

"So...we can go?" He looked around, fairly certain that an ambush was about to occur at any moment.

"I'm certainly not going to stop you." She clapped her hands and a pair of tiny attendants flew from behind her throne and brought her a small bowl with fruit in it. She picked a pear that practically glittered and took a bite out of it, juice running down her chin.

"Ooookay, then." Mike turned his attention back to the cage. Seeing no discernible door, he looked over at the queen. "I don't suppose you would just let her out, would you?"

"I'm not keeping her here. The cage is your problem, not mine." She now had a fresh goblet full of wine, which she sipped. "If you can't get it open, you might have to come back later."

"There's no reason for you to be nasty," he said, then turned his attention to the cage.

"We could come to an agreement, if you like." She sipped her wine coyly. "Though I doubt you will enjoy the terms."

He smirked. "No need." He set his backpack down and opened the main pocket, then dug down past the sandwiches. He pulled out the hacksaw, then lifted out a blade, still wrapped in cardstock. "Figured you may try something like this."

"And you really think that will cut through those bars?" asked the queen.

"This is a top of the line blade. I had Tink test the top five for me and give me her opinion on which would be strongest." He unwrapped the blade, revealing a black surface that absorbed the light. "Once we narrowed it down, I had Ratu enchant it for durability."

"How...ingenious of you." The queen sat and watched as Mike picked a couple of junctures on the cage and started sawing. It was slow progress. The blade stuck on more than one occasion, but when he finally got through the first bar, he looked up to see a huge smile on Cecilia's face.

"Keep going," she encouraged him, then touched his face through the bars.

By the time he got the blade through a second time, he was covered in sweat. The queen said nothing to him, content to watch. On the third cut, he was about halfway through when the blade snapped.

The queen chuckled. "Looks like your magic failed, Caretaker."

"It's a good thing they come in two packs." He stuck his hand in the bag and felt around, but the second blade was missing. "Hey, did you take it?"

"Me, personally? No. And I've been here the whole time, it must have been an independent agent, acting entirely on their own."

"Man, of all the luck." He looked at Cecilia and winked, then dug to the bottom of his bag and pulled out a sandwich from the bottom. He opened the wrapper to reveal a tuna salad sandwich dripping with mayonnaise.

When he opened it, he heard the queen gag, and he dug his fingers in and pulled out another wrapped blade. "It was tough trying to figure out which you'd hate more, this or the meatball sub. It's actually quite good, and perfect for hiding a blade in. Figured someone would search my bag on the way in and a cake would have aroused too much suspicion."

"You expected treachery?" The queen's voice was ominous now, and had an edge to it that could bleed a rock.

"Nope. I expected you to meet the terms of our agreement. Nothing more, nothing less. The cage bit is getting old though, I must admit." He slotted the blade into the hacksaw and started cutting.

"You know, it will likely take you some time to finish getting her out."

"Uh huh." He ignored the queen, his sole focus on the bars in front of him.

"Could be an hour or two, easy. I wonder if you are aware of what is happening at your home right now?"

He paused and looked at the queen, his lip twitching. "What did you do?"

"Me? Nothing. I have had no hand in the events of today, Caretaker, this act of villainy was perpetrated by the one who informed me that you were coming." She reached behind the throne and pulled out a mirror decorated in silver and gold embellishments. She handed this to an attendant, who flew it over to Mike.

When he took the mirror, he could see his house, besieged by a spectral army. In the front yard, Abella was busy ripping off part of the Jabberwock's wing while Yuki froze its feet to the ground as it bounced around the yard, destroying everything. An ice wall had been built between the lions, and Mike couldn't figure out if it was there to keep something in or out.

"They are failing," the queen said. "The shadow has made his move, and when he is done—"

"My world will burn, I get it." He licked his lips nervously and watched as the mirror flipped between the occupants of the house. It bounced from face to face, showing fear and anger everywhere he looked. Sulyvahn was busy whipping souls into shreds in the front yard, and the rats were fleeing the home in a panic as the spirits tore it apart. The faeries were flying high above the home, safe from the melee below. Asterion was lying unconscious somewhere in the Labyrinth, one of his horns broken off.

"I could send you home right now if you wish." She pointed over his shoulder and he looked to see that an archway had formed behind him. "All you have to do is agree to the terms and you can be home right now."

"I..." He looked at the queen, then back at the door. His home was being torn apart, but even worse, the others were in danger. "What terms?"

"Leave Cecilia here." The queen was standing next to him now, her voice like honey. "I will allow her to leave in time, Caretaker, but walk away from her and never look back. Is one woman really worth the potential loss of your family?"

He let out the breath he had been holding, then looked at the mirror again. It flitted between everyone's face, then stopped on Beth's.

"She is eternal, Caretaker. You can have no true life with her. But this woman, Beth? She is one of your own kind, you could grow old and have a family with her." The words were low and borderline hypnotic, and she was leaning over him now, her scent overpowering him. He closed his eyes and sucked her in, his head filling with images of distant fields covered in honeysuckle flowers.

The mirror was in his hands now, Beth's face filling the frame. Her hair was blowing dramatically across her face, and her lips were plump and full. The image backed away, revealing that she wore a costume of some sort that hugged her body, and he felt his cock twitch.

"Your life will never be normal, but with her? It could be close."

He sighed, and looked up from the mirror. "Do you really think I could be happy with her?"

The queen nodded. "I do."

The incident with Zel and possibly knocking up Kisa came to mind. He wasn't ready for children yet, and maybe he never would be. Fatherhood wasn't something he had ever considered, but if it were ever going to happen, Beth made the most logical sense. It would be such an easy decision to just go, to save them. Nobody would blame him for coming back.

"I'm not saying the thought hasn't crossed my mind. There really is a lot of potential there. She's smart. And brave. She faced down a demon on more than one occasion, and she's definitely one of the strongest people I know." He looked into the queen's saccharine smile. "If I had to pick the one thing I admired most about her, do you know what that would be?"

"Tell me," she whispered, her eyes glinting.

"That I can trust her." He handed the mirror back to the queen and held up his saw once more. "There will always be a disaster waiting to fall on my head. If I can't trust her and the others to handle it, then I don't deserve them."

He turned his attention back to the cage, a smile breaking across his face when he heard the mirror shatter on the ground behind him. Cecilia's lips trembled and he reached through the bars.

"I came for you. I am not leaving without you." And with that, he resumed cutting.

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Beth stared at the door to her closet, her hand nearly on the knob. If she opened it, she could run to the Labyrinth, maybe even stop Marco from reaching his destination. It was highly likely that Ratu would know he was coming, and she felt like her presence alone wouldn't be enough to affect any sort of change.

She put her hand on the door and sighed. Even if she caught him, she had no way to fight him, especially now that he had his hands on the mysteriousGrimoire. Would Mike be amused to know that the damned thing actually existed? If the shadow really was in control, then there was no way to use words to settle this, and words were her strength.

The Jabberwock roared and collided with the house once more, causing plaster to rain down on all of them. Dana looked at Quetzalli, who in turn looked at Beth.