Home for Horny Monsters

Hey all! Back again with another exciting chapter of HFHM.

New to the series? This tale is essentially written as chapters, and you are currently in Book Three. While everybody appreciates a good stroke piece, you really would be better off starting at Chapter One. Otherwise, you will have no idea who is banging who.

Returning reader? Welcome back! This chapter has a couple of exciting reveals as well as a Legendary class monster for the very first time! What is Legendary class? You'll see ;)

I've gotten some really nice letters and comments from everybody, keep them coming. One of the best ways to support an author is to leave reviews and let others know that you liked it and I definitely appreciate the emotional support.

I can't wait for you to find out what happens next, so without further ado...

Big Hands, Big Feet

The walk back through the tunnels was uneventful. Back in the throne room, Mike had Beth broker a new agreement with the rats. If they wanted to stay, they could, but they needed to close off any tunnels to the outside world that could be used to get in. The rats were hesitant to deny their request, particularly because Tink kept throwing everyone stink eye while holding her club and Mike held Jenny in his arms like a pet.

The doll didn't reanimate on the way back, but he could feel her cold, sinister presence within. He thought back to what he had seen in her illusory world. He was still rather pissed that he had been seen, cock essentially in hand, by Beth. There was still something so very daunting about her, a mental roadblock that prevented him from feeling entirely like himself when she was around.

Then again, who was he really? He thought back to the dual nature of Jenny and Jane. Was Jenny the product of Jane undergoing centuries of anger and abuse, that poor peasant girl now gone forever? Or was Jenny the facade that Jane wore to justify her actions, a true manifestation of her inner id?

With a tentative agreement to revisit the rats again to establish more rules, they were led back to the home by Reggie. Though he was now the monarch, he seemed to take a small amount of pride in leading them back to the house. If there was any anger over the death of the recent regent, he didn't detect any.

"Thank you, Reggie." Beth knelt down to shake his hand. "Let me know if you need anything. Also, if you could fix the locks on the doors, we would appreciate that."

"It would be my honor, Lady Beth." The new king gave them a wave and walked back into the secret passage. Mike yawned and looked at the others.

"I'm beat." He held Jenny out to Beth. "Do you want to take her tonight or should I?"

"I'll take her. She might want to talk later." Beth took the doll. "Oh, and here is this."

She handed over the emerald. It glowed eerily once it was in his hand.

"I'll lock it up in the Vault." He had no idea the extent of its powers, but he instantly knew it would be a bad idea to let anybody else mess with it.

"No use Vault." Tink yawned too, then rubbed her eyes. "Tink find old rat hole in back of Vault. Hide in corner where only doll can fit."

"I see." He sighed. That explained how Jenny had gotten out before. "I'll take it with me, I guess. Hold onto it until the Vault gets properly sealed."

"Sounds like a plan." Beth held Jenny out. She looked like she wanted to ask something, but thought better of it. "Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight." He watched her walk away. Embarrassing moments in the church aside, she had been a wonderful ally to have on his side. He made a brief visit to the kitchen for a drink, pleased that the others had cleaned up the worst of the mess already. He sucked down a beer that he had hidden from Tink behind the orange juice. The little goblin could as well be a dwarf based on how much booze she could handle.

Tink was already in bed, her club leaning against the side of the frame. Mike checked in with Naia, and she took the emerald from him and promised to keep it safe until the Vault was finished. He yawned while climbing into bed, miserable at how soon the sun was going to rise. Tink rolled over and grabbed his arm and he shifted it at the last second to avoid getting bitten.

He closed his eyes, contemplating the dull green glow of the emerald. He could see it as if it sat before him, mounted on a tiny silver stand.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" He spoke the words, but he hadn't wanted to say them. It wasn't his voice either. It was a mix of voices, all feminine.

"I... I guess?" When he responded, he heard his own voice. At least he would know who said what.

"Take it."

"Am I asleep?"

The voice laughed. The image of the emerald was now on top of a marble pedestal and he stood in the sideways tower in the sky. He contemplated the world below where it was early morning, could see the movements of cars and trains beneath him. So many people living ordinary lives, unaware that a man living in a magic house was apparently having a nervous breakdown thousands of feet above them.

"Not quite, but close."

"When I was younger, I used to dream I could fly." He grabbed the emerald sculpture. It was about the size of a chess piece in his hand, a hand that wasn't his own. "I loved those dreams because I would fly straight up into the sky. Away from my mother, my problems and other people. In my dreams, it was so peaceful up in the clouds."

"Congratulations on finding a new piece." The room swirled around him and he was back in his house. The first floor was clean and untouched. He walked against his will to the room with the large dining table and saw the familiar gameboard from before. The board was larger now, revealing the new addition to the house. He set the emerald down on Naia's fountain, next to her game piece.

"Every room has its purpose, every monster has its place." The voice sang these words and withdrew his hand.

"Uh huh." He experimented with the board as he had before. He touched the back wall of the servant's quarters. The board shimmered, but instead of changing, a separate game board appeared to the side of his. Standing in the middle of the throne room was a figurine of Reggy, complete with Potatohead glasses and a crown. "This... this is real, isn't it?"

The voice just laughed at him. He tried to relax, allowing himself to sink deeper into the vision. He examined the pieces on the board, contemplating them. Off in the corner, he saw a pair of pieces laying inside the lid of a cardboard box. He pulled them out to look.

"Lily and Dana." Of course. They weren't on the board because they were traveling. He noticed other shapes on his board, blurry shapes. Those would be creatures he hadn't discovered yet in rooms he couldn't find. Frustrated, he tried to examine some of the pieces, but the harder he looked, the blurrier they became.

"So what's the point in all of this? Am I playing a game?" He was reminded of a movie he caught on TV as a kid. Something to do with the gods using humans as game pieces and sending them out on quests. "Are... are you God?"

There was no answer. Instead, he noticed a shadow sitting at the other side of the table. It was next to a game board of its own, and the shadow's ears perked up when it noticed him. It stood and leaned toward him.

"Oh shit." He couldn't make out this new creature, but the absolute malice it radiated washed over him like a heatwave. It had several game pieces of its own on a board that looked like it had a forest along the edges.

"You have been challenged," the voice warned him.

"Challenged to what?" When he spoke, it was in his own voice. He was back in his bed, Tink clutching his thigh. Early morning light illuminated his bedroom and he groaned. Had he actually fallen asleep? His whole body was stiff as if he hadn't moved a muscle the entire time he was in bed.

The vision had filled him with a certain level of dread, that shadowy figure regarding him from the other side of the table. Was it a Society member? He let out a loud sigh. He was too tired to give it much thought and briefly considered getting out of bed to go talk to Naia, or Ratu, or anyone who could give him a shove in the right direction. Fatigue sat across him like a heavy fog, pressing him into the comfort of his mattress.

"Fuck it." He grabbed the edge of a blanket and rolled over, shoving his face into his pillow. Tink stirred, and he jerked his thigh away before she could bite it. Unless the world was currently ending, he was going to sleep in.

-

It was nearly noon when he walked outside. He held a cup of coffee and wore a pair of sunglasses. He went immediately to the sundial and gave it a good turn, then looked up. He had expected to see Sebastien standing there, but was surprised to see a dark-skinned man in a fancy suit.

Amir. This was the head of the Society, standing right on the edge of his property, a false grin plastered across his face. He fiddled with a rather ornate ring on his finger, then put his hands behind his back. This was the first time anyone other than Sebastien had been on watch.

"Mr. Radley." Amir smiled. "I guess the reports of your journeys are... inaccurate."

"Come again?" Mike only walked close enough to hear better. Amir, according to Lily, was one of the most powerful mages currently alive. To Mike, he looked more like an expensive car salesman.

"For several hours, a locator spell I cast with your name pinged in an overgrown region of South America. I sent many of the others to capture you, but we lost your location hours ago. Naturally, I came here myself to check on the situation." Amir folded his fingers into a gun and a black and purple bolt ripped toward Mike. It struck an invisible barrier at the property line and scattered outward. "Can't blame a man for trying. Anyways, I had hoped to be waiting for your eventual return so I could kill you."

"Your locator spell is broken." Mike sipped at his coffee. "Clearly I am still here and haven't left."

"Or clearly you have returned. You are a man of many mysteries, Mr. Radley."

"Yeah." He turned away from Amir, then paused and turned back. "Any luck finding your succubus?"

Amir's features flinched. "She has been rather elusive, but I am a patient man. I have lived for countless centuries and will undoubtedly live countless more. That is why I have decided that I no longer care about gaining your cooperation. It would be far easier to kill you and whoever shows up to claim your inheritance. If I do this enough times, eventually someone will sell me this place."

"It's a shame you have all the time in the world, yet you spend it being a huge douchebag."

"That is a matter of perspective." Amir's smile reappeared. "As the wind wears down the mountain, I too shall see this through."

"Uh huh." The way Amir was looking at him now, he knew that he should be terrified. In a way, his death certificate had already been signed by the man. However, he had slept poorly and was officially too grumpy to care. "Anything else you have to say to me? I'm pretty busy these days. Found a dragon in the basement, I'm having him neutered so he quits humping the washing machine. Leaves terrible stains on all my clothes."

"You have a dragon?" A look of disbelief crossed the man's face. Mike ignored the man and walked back to his door. He stopped long enough to stare at the swing, wondering how long Cecilia would be gone. At the thought of her departure, his mood darkened.

In the early afternoon, a moving truck arrived. It was all the items from New Castle. He had them dropped off on the driveway and tipped the movers well. Beth came out with her list and verified that each item had, in fact, been returned.

The fairies helped him sort the items into magical and non-magical piles. Surprisingly enough, most of the items were non-magical. These Mike used to re-furnish the second floor with help from Sofia and Beth. The rats had unblocked the remaining doorways and closed up a couple of the portals already.

Tink spent her evening and the following morning in the Vault. When she came up for breakfast, she was muttering under her breath, her face and arms covered in soot. Between inhaling her eggos, she mumbled something about a magical item that had blown up in her face and had gone back down to the basement wearing a thick apron and heavy gloves. The Vault was eventually declared repaired before Tink flopped down on Mike's bed and slept for nearly fourteen hours straight.

He expected to have another dream about the game board, but it never came. Cecilia still hadn't returned, but Sofia assured him that many death myths claimed a personal escort could take time, especially when they were troublesome spirits that didn't want to go.

Somehow, it didn't help him feel better. He used his nervous energy to help Reggie transform the servant's quarters into a sitting room. They had both agreed it would be more pleasant than storming into the throne room whenever they wanted to talk. To his credit, Reggie had some of the rats participate in cleaning up, and they even gave Beth an old, beat up dollhouse meant to be a temporary replacement for Jenny.

The doll hadn't moved since they returned, but Beth assured him that Jenny's weird little outburst had worn her out. He was happy to hear that the two of them were at least talking and that the grumpy ghost was okay. He cleaned up the dollhouse and Beth convinced Jenny to accept it until Tink could build her a better one.

Ratu had taken the gem to the Labyrinth for study and hadn't been seen since. Utilizing the fairy messaging system, she informed him that the emerald had her thoroughly stumped. The magic it contained wasn't easily cataloged and she couldn't get it to replicate the effect of animating furniture.

Another day passed without answers or Cecilia. Mike turned the sundial the next morning, ignoring the figure in white who watched him from the sidewalk. They were able to repair damage to the first floor and Jenny's new dollhouse was rebuilt and waiting for her. The rats agreed to avoid the front room, not as a punishment, but because everyone feared Jenny would kill one on sight.

Sitting at the large table in the dining room, Mike was busy clicking through websites on his laptop. He had sent out final emails this morning to his few remaining clients with references for other webmasters he recommended. He had thought to hold onto some semblance of his old life, but he had come to terms with the fact that he found no joy in working for others, nor did he have the time. He had ordered replacement plates and silverware for what the poltergeists had broken and had gotten some new furniture for the front room. Tink, Sofia, and Abella had worked to repair the table, but it still had several large cracks where it had broken apart.

Beth sat across from him, her nose buried in one of the Harry Potter novels. An abandoned crumpet was on the paper plate in front of her and she stirred occasionally at a large cup of tea.

The sound of scrambling claws announced Reggie's arrival. For whatever reason, he had started showing up for meals. At first, Mike had found the rat's continued presence annoying. However, after a couple of days, he realized that Reggie was a lot like he was. The rat had only been a mouthpiece for so many years that he had had no confidence or hopes of advancing his lot. Now, however, he had been given a chance to shine by the very people who would be his enemies and seemed determined to develop that relationship.

"Lord Mike. Lady Beth." He had to sit in a booster seat Tink had built for him, his paws folded politely.

"Good morning," Beth told him, then slid over her crumpet. Reggie broke off a piece and stuffed it in his mouth.

"How's the kingdom?" Mike pushed over the rest of his omelet. Sofia was still sore about the mess they had made of the Library, so he and Beth had started sneaking him her cooking.

"We are doing well. We have rebuilt part of the warrens and moved our living quarters around. Now that we can move around, we were offered refuge down in portions of the Labyrinth.

"Really? Ratu was okay with that?"

The Rat King nodded. "We have built a series of portals through the maze that allow us to check her traps for her. She also had us build her some shortcuts through the Labyrinth so that she could get here faster. Sir Asterion was not a fan of this, but she placated him with something called... time off?"

When Reggie said time off, Mike caught Beth grinning.

"He doesn't have to be in the Labyrinth all the time anymore," she explained. "He's been allowed to come up and visit the garden. We actually had a nice walk in the greenhouse yesterday. We found a great little waterfall and had some lunch there."

"Yeah. There are a couple good ones there." A chuckle escaped his lips. He hadn't really thought of the greenhouse as a place to go for a pleasant walk. Since he was on permanent house arrest, it was likely that he would be doing that fairly soon. "Actually, Reggie, the greenhouse might not be a bad place for your people to look for potential homes. I don't know how big it is, but other than a few extremely dangerous plants, nothing else lives there." At least, that was what Zel had told him.

"We prefer our comforts to be made of wood. Unless you are offering to build us homes, we will stick with our current domiciles."

"Of course." He drank some more coffee and contemplated his computer screen. He felt like he had a million other things he should be doing right now and couldn't focus on any of them as a result. He excused himself from the table and wandered the house, peeking into random rooms.

Zel sat in the front room next to Jenny's dollhouse. She was reading a book on herbs that she had borrowed from Sofia. Every couple of seconds, she would scribble furiously in her notebook. She still hadn't reverted and was taking advantage of being able to walk around the house without destroying the floor.

Out front, Abella was having a spirited game of tag with the fairies up above the sundial. She moved surprisingly fast, snatching Cerulea out of the air with her feet. Carmina and Olivia laughed, racing in circles around her. Out on the sidewalk, Sebastien watched with interest. Mike suspected that any Society members involved in the battle on his front lawn could now see everyone who had been involved, and this confirmed it. They were a potential thorn in his side that would never go away unless he did something.

Like usual, he had no idea what that something was.

Tink was busy fixing up the office, so he left her to it and walked up the stairs to his room. He took off his clothes and climbed into his bath, the water rapidly drawn at the perfect temperature for him.

"Rough morning, lover?" The water folded around him when he lay down in the tub, becoming her arms and legs.

"Maybe. I don't know. Feel like I have a lot on my mind, but I can't pinpoint it."

"I think it's your brain decompressing. You've done an impressive amount since moving in and, as of right now, you aren't fighting for survival."

"That's just it. I feel like I am, somehow. I'm in a dark alley and am about to get robbed, or something." He reached up and played with her hair. "And the strange vision I had keeps bothering me."

"The one with the game pieces?" He had told Naia about it the next day. She had no idea what the vision had been.

"Yeah. There's a challenger. But now what? Is someone going to show up on my front lawn and try to fight me? Or will it be like Lily and someone will try to kill me in my sleep? And I'm worried about Cecilia, and Lily, and even Dana." He took a deep breath and let it all out at once. "I'm also worried about what Emily was hiding."

"You're welcome to look with me." Naia's hands squeezed his shoulders. "Where should we start?"