Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here with the next installment of "sorry I edged you on this book for so long, my life got complicated."

(The last 9 months have been a blur, fam)

New reader? Welcome to the madness. To catch you up, Mike Radley got a blowjob from a nymph in his bathtub, now we're in the midst of a legal drama with the Fae. I swear this is pretty much just the plot of Legally Blonde, so mind the ammonium thioglycolate on the way in. To see how it all started and learn the Bend and Snap, go back to Ch. 001.

Returning reader? Welcome back! It has been a fucking journey, my friends, and I'm grateful if you're still here with me. Though things have been rough on my side, I've been maintaining the course and busting my ass to make sure I don't just drop the ball and start writing what would amount to Goosebumps for horny readers (which has given me odd ideas now that I've written that.) The last chapter in this book is coming up next, so make sure you check my bio for posting times.

Huge thanks to the beta team for dealing with this particular beast. Any sort of scene with the Fae can be rather daunting, but it's even trickier when I have to write it for

The Fae Court

When Beth stepped outside the house, it felt like the whole world was holding its breath in anticipation. In the middle of the hedge maze, a golden arch had formed. Surrounded by glittering light, the portal itself looked like a pool of water suspended vertically in the air.

"Looks like our ride is here." Beth looked down at Grace. The Arachne stood between her and Death, her unreadable gaze fixed on the portal. "You ready?"

Grace walked forward without them, a backpack made out of webs strapped to her back. Beth looked over at Death, who stared straight ahead at the portal.

"I am not ready," Death replied. "I feel that the odds have been deliberately stacked against us. Whatever you may say to the Fae Court will fall on deaf ears and they will mete out a most unfair justice."

"Yeah, well, we have all the evidence we need right here." She patted her own bag. "Along with the grimoire, if things become difficult."

Grace didn't bother going around the hedges and just climbed over them. Beth and Death jogged ahead to catch up with the girl, each of them taking one of her hands to slow her down. Beth absolutely did not want the child to go into the portal before she did.

Stepping through the archway elicited the sensation of falling into a pool of cold water, only nothing was wet. On the other side was the interior of a tunnel that opened into what looked to be a coliseum of sorts. Cheers and jeers filled the air as the trio arrived at the opening.

It was the same Fae Court that Beth was familiar with from her last trip here, only it was far different in appearance. The small, stony island in the center of a pool of water was the same, but the risers had been replaced with an entire stadium. They were surrounded on every side with no discernible entrance save for the one they entered through. Up above, there was a circular opening that allowed whatever passed for daylight to illuminate the space.

In the center of the room, slightly backset from the middle, was a pair of thrones. One was shattered, the sharp edges long ago weathered into smooth surfaces. At the other sat Titania.

The Queen of the Fae wore a crimson gown that made her golden hair sparkle as if it somehow burned from within. She stood from the throne and bade them forward with all four hands, her features expressionless. The mere act of seeing Titania had once rendered Beth speechless. Now, though, it was a bit like looking into the sun with a pair of sunglasses on. As long as Beth didn't look for too long, her mind remained sharp.

"Hold." A being made of shadow appeared before the group, clad in spectral armor. "All guests of the Court must be searched."

"Of course." Beth unslung the bag. "But I need to warn you that the contents of my bag are metal, and may harm your body."

"You would bring weapons of cold iron against us?" The spectre sneered and drew a blade.

"It's evidence in our case," Beth replied coolly. "The material in question is not relevant to its intended purpose." She opened the flaps of the bag to reveal the cans inside. "To confiscate them would be detrimental to our case, thus ensuring that these proceedings are unfair." Beth looked past Titania. "Which, I believe, would be in direct violation of the Treaty we have been accused of violating."

"They violated it first!" someone shrieked in the audience. Beth didn't even bother looking at who said that.

The shadow contemplated Beth for several long seconds, then looked over at Titania.

"What else is in that bag?" she asked.

"A book."

"Is that relevant to your case?" Titania asked.

"It was suggested to me that the Fae may be interested in a potential trade involving a book," she replied. When she spoke those words, most of the crowd noises stopped.

"Do you wish to trade such a thing now?" asked Titania, her golden eyes shimmering. "Perhaps for an acquittal?"

"The book in my bag in exchange for an acquittal of all charges levied against my client?" Beth shook her head. "Why would I trade something for nothing? Those charges are positively slanderous and lacking in merit. If the Fae Court wants the book in my bag, they have to offer me something of value beyond what I intend to collect from them on this day."

"Bold words," whispered a feminine voice in Beth's ear. She shivered at the sensation of fingertips along her skin and turned to see a woman in a black gown with midnight eyes. Her skin was a royal blue hue that could only leak from the highest quality fountain pens. The woman leaned back in a regal pose, as if to allow Beth to take in the sight fully.

"Are you the one Callisto knew as Mara?" Beth asked.

The woman laughed. "I am indeed. How is the young mortal? Have you come to break my legs?"

Beth kept her face neutral as she sized the Fae princess up. Already, she had a strange compulsion to admit that Mara's broken legs were on her mental list of demands to make. Technically speaking, though, Beth wouldn't be the one doing the breaking.

She shook off the strange spell that had settled over her. The Fae could compel her to tell the truth, but they could not force her to speak. "I am the legal representative for the Radley family." Beth stuck a hand in her pocket and pulled out the silver coin. "The Caretaker paid me a retainer to work for him, so here I am."

The moment the coin was out, she felt it heat up as hundreds of Fae tested the strength of her contract in order to penetrate her mind. The metal became hot enough that it seared her skin and she feared that she might drop it. Would it still protect her? She thought it might, but didn't dare let it slip.

"Enough," Titania declared, and the coin went cool in Beth's hands. "This relationship between Beth and the Caretaker is not currently in dispute. She is allowed to speak for the family."

"But shouldn't we all get a chance to verify her claims?" asked Mara with a pout. "Surely you wish for each of us to be sure. Isn't experience the true teacher, after all?"

"If you wish, everyone is welcome to try it one at a time," Titania replied. "Delaying these proceedings in order to test the veracity of her claims is well within your purview. However, having so many Fae focus on it all at once could cause more harm than has been done already."

Mara frowned and saw that Beth had already pocketed the coin. She lifted up her hand to reveal that her fingertips were burnt and starting to blister.

"This seems like the definition of harm to me," Beth said. "Which would be a violation of both our treaty and this Court. Have you brought me here to do me harm? Is this how the Fae Court treats people who have been invited here? Would that not be a breach of Hospitality?"

Mara laughed and extended her hand to touch Beth's. "Of course not. Allow me to help."

"In exchange for what?" Beth replied, yanking her hand back. "I would rather take compensation from all those who contributed to this injury."

"I suppose wecoulddo that," Mara supplied. "However, they have chosen me as their representative for these proceedings. I am the Accusator of the Fae Court. If you wish, we could talk about what harm has technically been done, and then demand recompense from all those involved. However, I feel that the actions of singular Fae were negligible in comparison to the whole, and it's entirely possible that individual compensation may fail to yield the value of the gift I offer freely."

"And that is?"

"Let me heal your fingers," Mara replied. "After all, when this is done and over, I want you to know that you failed even while trying your best."

"Cocky, I see. I accept your gift." Beth held her fingers out and allowed Mara to touch them. The skin knitted itself back together. At first, Beth thought she had been healed, but she was able to see how the magic had been woven. This was not a magic that sped up the recovery of her flesh. Instead, she watched as the burns seemed to play in reverse, as if time itself had been reversed.

Beth flexed and wiggled her fingers, then summoned her magic into each of them. She looked up to see Mara grinning like a devil, her mouth almost shark-like in appearance.

"Speaking of harm, I would like to let the accused and her legal team know that the time stream here has been synched with Earth's," Titania said. "There was some debate regarding this, but it was the Court's decision that this was the best course of action."

Mara smirked. "You're lucky time isn't moving much faster here. Otherwise, this trial would be over in the blink of an eye from your family's perspective."

"You really think you'll win, don't you?" Beth patted the woman condescendingly on the arm. "I bet that's how your brother felt when he came to Earth to ambush a pair of children and got canned."

Beth's comment received several cheers and jeers from the stands. Mara's facial features widened as if she were about to explode in slow motion. Beth smiled defiantly and turned away from Mara, knowing full well that any action on her part would be dealt with harshly.

They were the ones who had started this stupid game. Beth wasn't just here to win. She fully intended to absolutely smash this place into the ground and leave no doubt in the Court's mind that fucking with the Radleys was a dire mistake.

Mara snapped her fingers and the shadowy guard turned to face the Queen.

"That bag is bigger on the inside," he said. "For the safety of the Court, I wish to confiscate it and ensure that the contents are as she claims."

"This would cause a chain of custody issue," Beth replied. "As it has been implied, this hearing is an accusation of guilt by the Fae Courts themselves. As an employee of the Court, this is tantamount to handing our evidence over to the prosecution and allowing them to make it disappear."

"Are you suggesting we would tamper with your evidence?" asked Mara, one eye wider than the other. Beth heard the Court go silent in order to hear her response.

"Well, without having the proper opportunity to meet every member of the Court individually and discuss their personal history involving honest or dishonest behavior, I am merely erring on the side of caution in regards to upholding the responsibilities of my job." Beth shrugged. "If the Accusator would like to grant me a personal guarantee as to the honorable behavior of every single member of the Court here, I would be open to negotiating the proper handling of such materials with the Court."

The comment regarding a personal guarantee elicited cheers from some families and jeers from the others. With her knowledge of the Seelie and Unseelie being so divided, there were going to be people who would absolutely love to shove Mara onto her own hook. Sure, it may mean dismantling Beth's primary defense and ruining the Radley family forever, but that was a small price to pay to destroy a political rival.

"Since the Court is so interested in seeing the evidence individually, perhaps I could just reveal the contents of my bag?" Beth flipped the bag around her shoulder and held it out. She wished Tick Tock could have come with them, but the outsider wasn't allowed. The mimic would have been a perfect guardian for the bag. "I would be more than happy to show you everything now since you feel sounsafe."

More cheers and jeers. This place felt more like a wrestling match than a courtroom full of immortal royalty.

"I will leave this decision to the Accusator," Titania said. "It is my job to hear the evidence and proclaim judgement only. Such is the will of the Court."

Mara seemed nonplussed by this answer, but Beth could tell otherwise. If she were to pull out all of her evidence now, it would prevent anyone from stealing it from her later. She and Death had deliberately spoken about the evidence outside of the house, perfectly aware that they were likely being watched.

"This bag only contains evidence?" she asked.

"And that book I mentioned." Beth moved to reach into the bag and saw Mara tense up. Instead of pulling it out, she tilted the bag so that Mara could see the worn leather cover. The Accusator seemed to relax once she realized Beth wasn't about to start casting powerful magic.

"Then I have no qualms regarding its contents," she replied. "However, I wish to know what is in the child's bag."

Grace, who had been quietly listening this whole time, reached back over her head and shoved her hand into the spiderweb backpack. She pulled out a stuffed teddy bear in a trench coat.

"Pawpaw Cyrus," she said, then hugged the stuffed animal.

Mara frowned. "Is this a joke?"

"Children in the mortal realm often carry stuffed animals as a means of emotional support," Beth replied. "As she is a child undergoing proceedings that would be daunting for even an adult, it was decided that she could bring it along."

"Does it...do anything?"

Grace nodded, then turned the stuffed bear around and put her fingers in its armpits. She made the bear wave at Mara, which elicited some chuckles from the spectators.

"Is that all?" Mara asked. Grace shook her head, then deftly looped some webbing around the bear's limbs and dropped it. Pawpaw Cyrus did a little marionette dance for the Court, which actually earned her some light applause and more laughter. Seeing this, Mara scowled and waved a hand dismissively at Grace.

"I've seen enough. She can keep the toy."

Grace scowled at the Accusator while her back was turned. When people laughed, Mara turned back around to see Grace staring with a neutral face. The Fae Princess looked at Death now, her dark eyes moving to gaze at his scythe.

"As for you, this is clearly a weapon," she said. "What is your purpose here? This is clearly intent to do harm."

The Grim Reaper stared at the woman, the fire in his eye sockets changing from blue to red, then white. After several long moments, he turned to look at the scythe, milking the dramatic tension.

It wasn't just for show. Beth was hoping that any delay could be used to buy Mike more time to return. While she still expected to keep Grace safe, she wasn't entirely sure what might happen afterward.

"Do you speak of this, Accusator Mara?" Death twirled the scythe so that the blade made a full rotation. "Does it fill you with dread? Are you frightened of it?"

Silence reigned supreme as everyone eagerly leaned forward to listen. With the Court so large, it was hard to see any detail on the faces that were further back then the closest ring, but she could see that the spectators had brought picnics with lavish food along with servants who carried wineskins.

"I feel neither of those things," Mara replied. "But fear is not the chief indicator of potential danger."

"Death, in and of itself, is not dangerous," he replied. "It is the natural order of things, and it is inevitable. People generally fear what comes after, not the act itself. You see, this weapon does not represent a threat, but a promise. One day, all of you shall feel its sting as I sever the threads that bind you to life."

"He just threatened us!" somebody shouted.

"No," Death shouted back. "I promised! If my grammar is better than yours after only a few, short years, then you have clearly wasted your time on asinine pursuits. What business do you have sitting on a Court that makes decisions when you cannot tell one word from another? Off with you."

The Court erupted, finding absolute delight in Death's rebuttal. The person who had shouted, a Fae prince with a crown made of wood, turned bright red and leapt from his platform, his wings fluttering as he hovered in the air. He drew a blade from his hip.

"You have no honor!" he declared. "I demand a trial by combat!"

"What I have is no fucking tea!" Death shouted. "For I have come to the Fae Realm as a guest and not a single one of you has offered me Hospitality! How dare you speak of honor, sir!" The Grim Reaper spun, his cloak fluttering dramatically. "If this Court wishes to settle the matter of Gracelynn Radley by a duel to the death, then I accept and shall battle on behalf of the Radley family!"

The stadium roared, the sound loud enough that Beth had to cover her ears. The Fae with the sword visibly paled as several members below him actually flew up to restrain him.

Beth moved close to Grace, her eyes wide as Death hammed it up for the rapt audience.

"What is this? Is this Court full of cowards?" He swung his scythe menacingly in the direction of the Fae who had challenged him. "It takes all of you to bully a child, but none are mad enough to stand against one such as me?"

Now other members of the Court were drawing weapons, incensed by Death's words. Beth turned toward Mara and saw that the woman was positively furious. Seeing an opportunity, she turned toward Titania.

"Is this the Hospitality of your Court?" she asked. "Have we ever shown your people such unrestrained hostility upon visiting our home?"

Titania's golden eyes flashed, and the coliseum went quiet. Those who had flown out to challenge Death fell from the sky like leaves, fluttering wildly as they crashed into the ground.

"As the neutral governing party in these proceedings, it is the job of the Court itself to provide Hospitality," she declared.

"And since the Accusator represents the Courts, that should have been her job?"

"At no point was Hospitality denied." Mara's voice was smooth as glass, but the way her eyes slid across those on the ground indicated that she was nervous. "We were simply establishing that no ill intent was established before offering it."

"And yet somebody challenged me to a duel," Death declared. "For the simple crime of explaining how death works. Tell me, Accusator. Did enough of your people accept my challenge that your hand is now forced? If so, then I would like to set the terms of such a fight as is my right."

Mara's skin turned a pretty shade of blue that reminded Beth of a summer sky. It was clearly her version of going pale. A duel to the death with the Grim Reaper was an impossible task, and surely the Fae Princess knew this. "A very small majority of the Court have lost their temper," she replied. "As such, their decision does not constitute a change in these proceedings."

"What a shame," Death replied. "To finish answering your earlier question about my presence here, I come to provide evidence and act as a proper witness. I also come as Gracelynn Radley's uncle."

The room remained silent, other than the groans of those who had fallen from the sky. Already, shadow servants were dragging them away.

"Her uncle?" Mara asked.

"Not by blood, but by choice. For I have accepted her as my own, as she has accepted me." To emphasize his point, Death moved next to Grace and extended his free hand, which she took. "We are family."