Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here with the latest installment in the Horny Monsters franchise!

(We'd have far better merch if Hasbro hadn't blocked me from their corporate offices already)

New reader? Welcome to the insanity! This is book 8 of a long ass series with numerous spin-offs about a guy who got a blowie from a nymph in an antique tub, which is pretty much how my grandparents met. I'm pretty sure they don't do that anymore, though, on account of being dead. Anyway, you should probably jump back to Ch. 001 of this story if you want to have any hope in Hell of understanding what's going on.

Returning reader? Welcome back, I've missed you! Life has been so insanely busy, but things are finally normalizing a bit for me, which means I'm hoping to shift back to more regular releases for the next few months (always check my bio for release dates, I update it as soon as I know).

I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to send me a feedback letter. I do read most of them (the spam filter keeps shoving some in weird ass places), and many of you have been very kind about my slow releases of late. Just proves that you all are still the best readers in the world, and I super appreciate it.

Also, one last shout out to people who remember to leave stars when they're done reading. I have no idea why you wouldn't, but a huge majority of you still don't. So for those of you who take the extra second or two to drop some stars, thank you. For those who also comment, you're amazing. And for those of you who leave stars, comment, and then tell all your friends, you are just as legendary as

The Sword in the Stone

It took Mike far longer than expected to return to his own tower. He stumbled a bit and got lost more than once, but couldn't tell if it was due to lack of blood or something his magic had done to him. Charlotte offered to go with him, but he needed some space away from her to figure out exactly what had happened.

Disoriented, he had gotten lost. In the back of his mind, he could feel Charlotte's presence, similar yet more intense than the connection he had with Kisa. Right now, Charlotte was walking around her tower barefoot, humming quietly to herself. Mike could actually feel the cold stone beneath her toes and hear the singing in his ears.

Struggling with this additional source of sensory input, Mike hid himself behind a stone pillar and clutched at his head, trying to shake it off. This was exactly how Cerberus found him.

He didn't know how the hellhound sensed he was in trouble, and he wasn't about to ask. They led him back to the tower where he promptly fell onto the couch and buried his face under the pillows. Both Sofia and Cecilia tried to ask him what had happened with Charlotte, but he just promised them he would explain as soon as he could and then promptly fell asleep.

His Dreamscape was a mess. The island looked as if a hurricane had hit it, and though the landscape itself was amorphous by nature, there were certain landmarks that heavily featured in his mind which had been moved around, almost as if someone had picked them up and dropped--

"Yeah, okay. I see what happened," he muttered to himself. The darkness that dwelt in Charlotte's soul and made her a vampyr had ripped pieces of his soul away. If he hadn't reclaimed them, this would likely be a barren landscape now. He would be little better than the thralls that roamed the castle.

Still, the damage had been done. In his haste to restore some semblance of order, there hadn't been time to focus on putting the pieces back to where they once were. Mike got a running start down the beach and leapt into the air, then spiraled upward to get an aerial view of the island. It had lost most of its color and been cast in shades of gray.

The worst damage had been done in the center, the house itself laying in ruins. He concentrated, his magic hissing in the air like static electricity as he rebuilt that part of his soul. When the house had been repaired, the vibrant colors of the siding and nearby bushes practically glowed in comparison to the dulled features of the island.

"Nice work, Romeo." Lily hovered nearby, her wings flapping. "I was buried underneath some of that."

"That surprises me." Mike frowned at the rest of the mess. "Why couldn't you just tunnel your way free or something? If anyone here could do it--"

"It would be me, because I'm fucking amazing." Lily winked. "But we're a mess down there. That weird fuzzy feeling in your head? It's a hundred times worse for those of us who were squished up, twisted, and tossed about. I wasn't even sure who I was while buried under that rubble."

"Damn it." Mike glared down at the landscape. "Can you help me with this?"

"Naturally. It'll be way faster with two of us." Lily moved behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, nestling her head against the back of his neck.

"That doesn't feel like helping," he muttered.

"This whole place is a giant metaphor and doesn't have to follow logic," she replied. "Now get to work."

The next section were the gardens. The resistance and pressure he had felt from repairing the house had lessened, and the hissing sound in the air wasn't nearly as loud. One segment at a time, he restored the island. Mike's mind felt lighter with every piece that clicked into place.

"Never thought I'd be doing soul surgery on myself," he said as the island neared completion.

"You did essentially take a chainsaw to it earlier," said Lily.

"What was it like in here?"

"A big black waterspout on the horizon," the succubus replied. "It came across the water and just ripped things into the air, but then it all came falling back down later."

"Is..." Mike felt a sick feeling in his gut and he swallowed hard. "Is everybody still here?"

"Currently, yes. Some of us got pulled away, but you managed to bring us all back." Lily rubbed his chest through his shirt. "Our souls are safe, thanks to you."

He let out a massive sigh and the two of them descended to the island. Tink, Kisa, and Ratu were waiting on the beach in bathing suits, the goblin and cat girl playing in the surf.

"Nice work," said Ratu, then jerked a thumb over her shoulder toward a nearby cliff. "New girl is that way."

"Charlotte is here?" That was a bit of a surprise. He had only tried to retrieve his own soul from the woman.

"Yeah, about that." Lily made a face, able to read his thoughts in this place. "This one wasn't a trade, lover boy. She handed that piece over to you for free."

"What?" Mike spun to face the succubus, who was now in a two-piece bikini. "That's a thing?"

"It is," she replied.

"A gift, freely given," Ratu added. "In Avalon, of all places. The symbolism shouldn't escape you."

Mike nodded and walked toward the cliff. He could have flown, but he needed a bit more time to think about how Charlotte had arrived along with Avalon itself. It wasn't just that she had somehow handed over a good chunk of her soul, but the realization that his magic was also Fae in nature. He had been using it in a place of power and things had already changed.

The visions he now experienced were a perfect example. He had seen his own demise. Cecilia's hair had more red in it than ever, the mark of a mortal soul growing like a seed. The recent surge of his olfactory senses, which absolutely made him think of Cerberus.

He, Ratu, and Yuki had long surmised that the soul exchange was typically a one-time process that may have long term ramifications. As each piece of their soul grew inside his own, so too would his in theirs. However, either the process of soul growth had been accelerated during his time in Avalon or he had somehow performed a swap again, specifically with Cecilia and Sofia.

His mind went back to the bathtub, specifically to Cecilia. Cerberus had also been in the room when his magic went haywire, causing anyone within a certain radius to spontaneously orgasm.

Something about Avalon had already changed him. It may have been that Charlotte didn't do anything special other than offer herself freely, a woman who seemed desperate for any other future than the one that Vincentius had written for her.

When he got to the top of the cliff, he found Charlotte sitting on the edge with Naia. The nymph turned and smiled at Mike, then rose and helped Charlotte to her feet.

"She's very sweet," said Naia. "I think she'll fit in just fine."

He couldn't help but stare at Charlotte. Here, in his Dreamscape, she almost looked like a different woman. Gone was the general malaise of undeath, the young woman's mouth quirked up into a smile. She wore modest clothing, the sort a proper young woman from the late 1800s would wear. Charlotte did a little curtsy for him, then gestured at the ocean behind her.

"It's beautiful," she said. "I only wish that the rest of me could see it."

"Well, once we get out of Avalon, I know a place I could take her," he said.

"Good." Charlotte moved close to him and took his hand in her own. "She deserves happiness, you know."

"You speak like she's a separate person."

Charlotte nodded. "In a lot of ways, she is. The others here, they're like a snapshot of the people you know in the real world, updating every time you interact with them on an intimate level. If they were sick in the real world, that wouldn't translate here. What you see is pure, and untarnished."

"I don't know about pure," Naia muttered, staring down the beach where Lily was currently getting trashed on margaritas with Tink.

"You seem to know a lot for someone who has only been here a little bit," Mike said.

"Time works differently here," she replied. "Naia has explained many things to me, but nobody here will tell me what a blumpkin is."

"That was Tink," Naia muttered. "Trying to corrupt the young and innocent."

"She's not that young," Mike said. "Even with some basic math, she's--"

"My body is much older than you think, Caretaker." Charlotte stepped close to him, the scent of asphodel blossoms washing over him. "Vincentius has altered the flow of time on the island many times in the hopes of creating a stronghold to protect him. There were times of famine where some of us would leave the mirror world and wait a day in the real world while years passed in Avalon. Then they would return and feast anew. It was only after the incident with your predecessor that he locked the door and left time as it was."

"So you got to leave the island?"

"Not me." Charlotte smiled sadly. "I always stayed behind for the children." The young woman looked down at the beach, where Ratu had summoned an earthen barrier to separate herself from the others. Yuki, Abella, and Amymone had arrived as well, summoning small hammocks to lounge in. "It will be strange not being in charge of anyone here. I can't remember the last time I had nothing to do but relax."

"It's not always fun and games." Naia winked at Mike. "There is still one person we have to keep out of trouble."

"Then I shall do my part." Charlotte took Mike's hand and kissed the back of it. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied. Charlotte blushed and excused herself, walking slowly down the cliff and leaving Mike behind with Naia.

"She seems nice," he said.

"She is," Naia replied. "She is also very naive, and young. In spirit, anyway."

"How so?"

"She was barely nineteen when she was turned," Naia replied. "That part of her is locked in time and is unlikely to change in here. It is something that would serve you well to remember back in the real world, as well."

"That I'm apparently the master of a nineteen-year-old vampyr?" Mike didn't know what to think of that.

"It goes deeper than that and you know it." Naia pressed herself against him, leaning her head against his chest. "She may be tough on the outside, but her heart is a fragile, delicate thing. It would serve you well to remember that."

"I promise," he said. After all, if Naia was making special mention of it, then it was absolutely important to know. "Are you all okay in here, now?"

"We are." She stepped away and stared into his eyes. "But even better, you're okay out there."

Lifting her hand from his chest, she booped him on the nose, and he was suddenly awake, his eyes on the ceiling. The view was soon replaced by Cecilia's concerned face.

"He's awake," she cried, then threw her arms around him and held him tight. Sofia came next, and Mike managed to gently push aside the banshee so that he could sit up. When he looked at the cyclops, she was scowling.

"Let me guess," she said. "You fucked her."

Mike didn't even feign indignation at the accusation. "To be fair, I was just going there to let her drink my blood."

"But you fucked her."

"Yeah. Now we've got some sort of weird vampyr-master relationship and I don't know how I'm going to find the proper Hallmark card for our first anniversary." He rubbed at his face. "Turns out it messed up my soul, too, but I just fixed the damage. How long was I out?"

"A couple of hours," Sofia replied. "We're supposed to get ready for the party, too."

He nodded. "Then we're short on time. Just so you know, Vincentius thinks I'm a thrall right now and is planning to slaughter everyone."

Sofia raised her eyebrow. "I doubt Hallmark has a card for that situation either. But it's pretty much what we expected."

"Yeah." Mike rubbed his temples and slid off the bed. "Guess we're going to be cutting things close. Is Taylor here already?"

"Not yet, but Cerberus smells him in the castle." Sofia crossed her arms. "If you're feeling pressed for time, you can give up on your idea regarding Excalibur. I think it's a waste of energy."

Mike's eyes dropped to Sofia's waist and he grinned. "I have it on good authority that pulling the sword from the stone is a double-win for me."

"Pig." Sofia chuckled. "You have no reason to believe you can claim it, so why bother?"

Mike smirked. "I mean, if you really want, we could go double-or-nothing on your bet."

"It's not even technically a bet," said Sofia. "I don't get anything if you fail. And it's not like I have another ass to put on the line. You haven't met that kind of woman."

"Yet," Mike joked. "I haven't met that kind of woman, yet."

Sofia snorted. "I have no idea how you can act so silly when everything has gone to shit."

"It's a form of self-medication at this point," said Mike. "Angst, anxiety, and dread aren't gonna do me any good later. At least, for now, my emotional self-denial allows me to be functional."

Cecilia wrapped her arms around him from behind. "A ghrá mo chroí, I believe in you."

"Thanks." He smiled weakly. "That makes one of us."

"Then one shall be enough." Cecilia kissed his cheek just as a heavy door creaked down below in the main room of the tower.

"The tailor's here," yelled Sulyvahn. "And he brought Taylor with 'im!"

"If we get out of this alive and transplant all these people, I'm giving them a book of baby names." Mike stood up and stretched, then grabbed his stomach and winced. "Ow, damn. My abs hurt."

Cecilia giggled and Sofia snorted.

"That's what happens when you get into a tickle fight with a vampyr," said Sofia as she moved toward the door. "C'mon, Cecilia. Let's see what our dresses look like."

The banshee clapped her hands and levitated out of the room, turning into a spirit and passing through the wall instead of the door. Mike stretched a few times, rubbed his sore belly, then walked out to see Taylor and his apprentice handing out garments. The man looked up at Mike and waved, then patted the large trunk he'd brought with him.

"It's all ready, Lord Radley."

"Call me Mike," he replied, walking down the stairs. "It's short for Michael, by the way. Or Mikey. Mickey. Michelangelo. Feel free to add these names to memory."

"I'll just call you m'lord," said Taylor. "That way, I'm not stepping on any toes in regards to courtesy."

Mike sighed and waited for Taylor to hand him his suit. There was a privacy screen nearby, which he used because he wasn't wearing underwear. That, and also Taylor wouldn't learn about the nagahide undershirt. Besides, showing your dick to strangers was considered rude, especially if they weren't going to be on a first name basis, well...

He felt Charlotte snicker in the back of his mind and paused. She was clearly still plugged into his thoughts.

Are you there?he asked.

I am, m'lord. Charlotte giggled, and now he wondered if this was the one in his head or the real-world version.Wait, what do you mean by the one in your head?she asked.

Mike frowned. He could give her the boot, but wanted to see if she could behave on her own.It's rude to just be in here reading my thoughts.

There was a moment of silence, and then she vanished. Mike let out a sigh and slipped into his clothes.

"Is everything okay, m'lord?" asked Taylor, clearly having heard Mike's reaction to Charlotte.

"Yeah." Mike was actually surprised at how comfortable the clothes were. The black slacks hugged his legs. The waistband was higher than he was used to and covered his lower stomach. A silken white shirt was next, but it was mostly hidden beneath the black and crimson tailcoat. He spent a few minutes checking the fit, then stepped out from behind the privacy screen to use the small mirror that was in the room.

"You look great." Taylor came over and seemed to be wiping imaginary threads or dust from the shoulders of the jacket. "The eye of every woman will be on you tonight!"

Mike frowned at that statement, but still studied his reflection. He was just the right cross between badass and regal, and wondered how he would look with a sword slung across his hips.

Chuckling, he held up one hand and summoned a ball of lightning above his palm. Taylor stepped back as Mike admired himself in the mirror.

"Awesome," he muttered. He looked like the hero out of a magical steampunk game. Well, minus the cool techno baubles. Maybe if he found some gears and stuck them to his lapels...

"Ye do cut a dashing figure," said Sulyvahn from nearby. The dullahan was in a similar version of the outfit, but had a vest instead of a tailcoat. He was also wearing a top hat. "We be a pair of blokes ready fer a night on th' town."

"A couple of rogues," Mike replied. "Women want us. Men want to be us."

"Aye!' Sulyvahn laughed, then turned to Taylor. "Ye did a lovely job."

Taylor beamed, then spent a minute adjusting the fit of Mike's sleeves. The tailor stood back and studied Mike with pride in his eyes, then clapped his hands together.

"You all are wearing my best work," he declared. "I rarely get a chance to stretch my skills as I have in the last day."

"You don't make fashionable clothes that often?"

Taylor shrugged. "Usually, I just resize old clothing. Many outfits are just hand-me-downs anyway, and most people only have a single dress or suit for celebratory occasions."

"That seems kind of sad, actually." Mike frowned. "What sort of special occasions do you celebrate?"

"Weddings. Most births. Oh, and our Ascension day."

"Ascension day?"

"When we meet with the Caretaker and ascend to Heaven," Taylor said with excitement. "I've heard stories that Heaven has a bright blue sky that extends forever in every direction! The Caretaker told us all about how there are angels waiting to serve us for all eternity, and we'll get to see our friends and family. The Caretaker's father lives there!"

"Wait, hold on." Mike put up a hand. "Who is the Caretaker's father?"

"God," Taylor said without hesitation. "The Caretaker cares for us here in the mortal realm. But his father cares for us in the afterlife!" Taylor puffed up and did a remarkable imitation of Vincentius. "My Father's house has many rooms. If that were not so, I would not have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you."